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Is full disclosure [of an affair] always best [after the marriage has ended]?

daisygirl19

By daisygirl19
in General Relationship Discussion

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daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

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I see your therapist's point...but I don't share his/ her hope that telling will achieve the desired effect.

 

My H (fMM) disclosed to the xBW - for his own reasons - and she chose not to believe him. She chose to believe that his leaving her was just a ruse to get her to agree to MC. During the D, she did not stop trying to lure him back. Even seeing me, knowing he and I and the kids were living as a family did nothing to dull her conviction that he would ultimately take her back. Even when the D was finalised. Even when we M. She clung to limbo, she clung to hope. She just wasn't ready to accept reality.

 

Now, many years later, she has moved in with a man, who shares the same first name and appearance as my H. We're hoping that it's a sign she's moving on, finally - even if he's a knock-off of my H. But before she was ready, she simply wasn't ready.

 

Your SO's S2BXBW may be in a similar space. Telling her will achieve nothing in relation to getting her to move on. She'll just tune it out, the same way she's been tuning out his role and her own in the death of their R. She is deeply invested in her own view of how things went down, and she simply can't afford to consider alternatives at this stage. Maybe in a decade or so, you'll also be lucky.

 

Thank you...this rings very true.

health Established Member

health

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We are not yet married. We are in counseling to help us deal with the way we started this relationship and the best way to move forward for all involved, most especially our kids.

 

His ex is still very bitter and hurt, understandably. Her anger is hurting the kids, and his relationship with them. I think that's the main reason the therapist thinks he should "come clean" with her. The therapist seems to think him finally being honest with her, and I guess validating what she already "knows" will help her move on.

 

Stop blaming his ex wife. Her anger is hurting the kids? The affair you took part in is hurting the kids first. Her anger is the natural consequence of what occured.

 

This is a crazy situation and my bad if I seem harsh. These are the steps I feel you should go for.

 

- Let the ex know everything - because the truth WILL set her free and have her get her closure faster then her wondering what happened

 

- then move on accordingly

 

- your going to have to deal with so far an untrustworthy individual - her ex your new guy

 

- he has to change for you and hopefully not cheat on you and destroy what you guys have

 

- good luck

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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I can see where the therapist is coming from and don't believe it is out of malicious intent at all.

 

As the XBW is still asking whether it was a PA....then let her have the truth ... though I'm sure she already knows. Maybe focusing on the actual state of the marriage in the years before is more beneficial... but without placing blame on her. It takes two for things to decline.

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health Established Member

health

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Also your daughters go to the same school. Are they friends? You kinda can't help any teen gossip on this that may ensue

 

- your love for him and you is creating a new life. It has a bad foundation, but maybe you can uproot it and start fresh

 

- his ex wife has to move up and onwards but give her alot of time to do so

She should be cordial for the kids cause she'll be in your life as long as your new man is

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minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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i really think your SO should listen to the therapist's advice --- after all, the therapist actually knows you both PERSONALLY & knows your story better than we do.

 

and at the end of the day - what is the worst thing that can happen? things will be the same, she will continue to blame you & her dynamic with the X will be the same. i think your SO should take that step in trying to make amends and develop an honest relationship with the X, finally. so i think your SO & his X can either benefit from that discussion OR things will stay exactly the same.

 

i don't think he needs to disclose the details of your PA - but he needs to address the issues and unhappiness he felt before the affair and the fact that the marriage just wasn't what made him happy.

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daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

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Stop blaming his ex wife. Her anger is hurting the kids? The affair you took part in is hurting the kids first. Her anger is the natural consequence of what occured.

 

This is a crazy situation and my bad if I seem harsh. These are the steps I feel you should go for.

 

- Let the ex know everything - because the truth WILL set her free and have her get her closure faster then her wondering what happened

 

- then move on accordingly

 

- your going to have to deal with so far an untrustworthy individual - her ex your new guy

 

- he has to change for you and hopefully not cheat on you and destroy what you guys have

 

- good luck

 

I'm not blaming her, in any way. She didn't ask for this, she had no say in it. I get that.

 

Still, at some point, the rest of us need to move on in a healthy way. We can't go back and change what happened.

 

How does he change for me, if it's not by being honest with her?

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daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

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Your therapist needs to be fired. Her logic is so flawed.

 

 

Why?

 

 

The BS was not having an affair and never looking to end her marriage and see her family broken up.

 

 

The BS will always view the AP as the one to blame. There is no motivation for the BS to stop hating and forgive the AP. This BW I am afraid will never have the motivation to stop blaming you and forgive you.

 

 

However the BS is motivated to forgive the WS because there is no way the BS can recover their marriage and still hate their WS.

 

 

So when her exWH gives her a full confession she will let him be forgiven because her actions show that she still wants her family together.

 

 

Yes the BW will give the ex WH some initial heat though his confession will never take any of the heat off of you from her.

 

 

 

 

So if you get her exWH to try this tactic please let us know how it works.

 

Ok.

 

That hurts, but the truth often does.

health Established Member

health

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I'm not blaming her, in any way. She didn't ask for this, she had no say in it. I get that.

 

Still, at some point, the rest of us need to move on in a healthy way. We can't go back and change what happened.

 

How does he change for me, if it's not by being honest with her?

 

 

 

Right, and that's the kicker. He needs to be honest with everyone but he's not. It's kinda a scary situation to be in with tonnes of work ahead for all involved. But hey I hope the best for eveyone involved.

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daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

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Right, and that's the kicker. He needs to be honest with everyone but he's not. It's kinda a scary situation to be in with tonnes of work ahead for all involved. But hey I hope the best for eveyone involved.

 

Very true. I am willing to put in the tons of work.

 

Thank you

Lady2163 Established Member

Lady2163

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Very true. I am willing to put in the tons of work.

 

Thank you

 

I don't know that there is anything you can do to make this better.

 

Confirming that there was an affair is not going to make her "like" you any better. She will sort of forgive her exH, because he is the father of her children.

 

Here's the thing, the kids are going to get older and ask questions. Or they will get older and resent their mother for being so hateful and angry. Most likely, the kids will do both.

 

Best thing you can do is be the household that provides structure and unconditional support. If they do start asking the tough questions, you and your SO need to be prepared what to tell them and to keep it age appropriate. I have zero advice whether to lie to them or tell them the truth. However. Whatever you tell them, needs to be the same thing you tell his exw.

  • Like 1
Ladyjane14 Established Member

Ladyjane14

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We are not yet married. We are in counseling to help us deal with the way we started this relationship and the best way to move forward for all involved, most especially our kids.

 

His ex is still very bitter and hurt, understandably. Her anger is hurting the kids, and his relationship with them. I think that's the main reason the therapist thinks he should "come clean" with her. The therapist seems to think him finally being honest with her, and I guess validating what she already "knows" will help her move on.

 

Therapists are typically more interested in treating the person in front of them. So, I'm not so certain that your therapist's recommendation is so much about helping the betrayed wife accept her circumstances as it is about making sure that her cheating husband has to face his current circumstances.

 

IOW, what he did by sneaking out of the marriage without telling the truth is conflict avoidant. And he'll continue dealing with whatever problems come up in life in the same fashion until he learns NOT to be conflict avoidant. That skill is learned by facing conflict head-on.

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Ladyjane14 Established Member

Ladyjane14

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I honestly think your therapist has malicious motive here, wants this new relationship to implode, assuming that it can't sustain the inevitable fallout between your bf and his ex. As others said her reasoning makes zero sense.

 

The ex may logically know that she won't fare well in court, but hearing about the affair when she's already in the throes of grief would, I think, send her into a rage that would manifest as a vicious custody battle.

 

I really hope your bf chooses not to do this. If the ex-wife isn't specifically asking for details from him about the affair (which may come later, and at that point could be considered a normal phase of the grieving process, I think), no good can come of it.

 

I wouldn't agree that it's some kind of malicious intent. If the guy snuck out of his marriage rather than faced his demons, his demons are taken into the next relationship with him. Conflict avoidance kills intimacy because emotional honesty never fully develops.

  • Like 1
minimariah Established Member

minimariah

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That skill is learned by facing conflict head-on.

 

i agree.

 

one more thing - the OP's SO just doesn't care about his ex. it's one of those things... you know you were wrong and you know you should face that person, apologize and make amends but you REALLY don't feel like doing it. you're... emotionally lazy, to put it that way. because you do not care about that person at all, you pretty much forgot about them. indifference - that's what's going on, i think, in the SO's mind.

 

and i think him being conflict avoidant is actually a result of that indifference - he is, after all, going to couples counseling with his new lady so there is that.

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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Daisy....

 

Have you or your SO ever thought that the BW could decide to tell her kids the truth (about the affair ) when they are a bit older ..... and how you would both handle that?

 

I know you can never prempt what's going to happen ... but you could be getting through things well only to face a setback.

 

It could be many years of therapy for you and others involved down the line.

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daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

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Daisy....

 

Have you or your SO ever thought that the BW could decide to tell her kids the truth (about the affair ) when they are a bit older ..... and how you would both handle that?

 

I know you can never prempt what's going to happen ... but you could be getting through things well only to face a setback.

 

It could be many years of therapy for you and others involved down the line.

 

Yes. She's already threatened it. I doubt she'd actually do it, but who knows. Personally, I would prefer to be honest with my kids. He has a harder time with his kids knowing he is less than perfect. He's addressing it in therapy. I feel strongly that the answer needs to be the same for everyone.

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daisygirl19 Established Member

daisygirl19

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i agree.

 

one more thing - the OP's SO just doesn't care about his ex. it's one of those things... you know you were wrong and you know you should face that person, apologize and make amends but you REALLY don't feel like doing it. you're... emotionally lazy, to put it that way. because you do not care about that person at all, you pretty much forgot about them. indifference - that's what's going on, i think, in the SO's mind.

 

and i think him being conflict avoidant is actually a result of that indifference - he is, after all, going to couples counseling with his new lady so there is that.

 

I think this is spot on. I think she wants him care, wants him to understand exactly how much she is hurting, and because he caused it, she's looking to him to fix it. She's actually used those words.

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