Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) This is about the third or fourth time this has happened to me. After deciding enough was enough with one girl (qv my other big thread), I got back in touch with a lady I was seeing previously/in the early stages of the other one. It had really only been a week or so since I stopped seeing her, I never formally broke it off, I simply ghosted for a while. We did get on very well, but her communication skills are lacking, and she seems a tad...shallow...constantly asking me whether she looks good in this dress or that, what part of her outfit I like, is this colour good on her... She also got very attached to me very quickly, whilst I was seeing the other woman she texted me a few times, and about the same time I decided to stop seeing that person, she told me how sad she was that I hadn't contacted her, did she do something wrong, she's sorry about a text argument we had (about my having a female flatmate, which she got jealous over)...etc... She wasn't giving up on me... So I saw her again, and that very date we had sex for the first time...not at all surprising considering how touchy-feely she was, and how passionately she kissed me before that moment. She classified as as boyfriend/girlfriend, and we continued seeing each other regularly, she stayed over...etc... But all up it's been 4 weeks since we met. When she came over the other day, she had bought a matching keyring set with a key and a heart, that the key fitted into, telling me that I had the "key to her heart" Quite the sweetest, most romantic thing someone has done for me in a very long time... BUT... I don't love her. She is...head over heals, she pines for me if we aren't together for a day...tells me she misses me as soon as I arrive home after dropping her off... She showed me she had added pictures of us to her lock and phone wallpaper, asked me why I hadn't done the same... I like this lady, she is sexy, amazing in bed, beautiful, funny, happy and just great fun to be with. But she is also jealous, a little controlling, and a tad superficial. Of the "three C's, (Chemistry, Compatibility, and Communication) we have two just fine... But her English skills, and apparent superficiality are challenging for me to overcome... I have already broken up with girls before at this stage, and she is in deeper than any girl I've dated previously in such a short timeframe...She is flying back to China for two weeks, and I saw her for a few hours the night before (last night), she held onto me for ages, and cried... She's gone now for two weeks, so I have time to think about what I'm going to do... Do I stay and hope that as her English improves, her conversation abilities will improve, so that we can have deeper, more meaningful talks, so that we can share movies and TV? I'm frankly sick of hurting people, I've done this too many times, I'm just a normal guy, nothing amazing, why on Earth do I seem to find myself in this situation? Frankly I find my Japanese flatmate more attractive, have better conversations with her.... Oh boy I hate this... Edited March 24, 2016 by Smoothman
xpaperxcutx Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Is she a citizen? Maybe she's latching onto you for a green vcard.
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 Is she a citizen? Maybe she's latching onto you for a green vcard. Nope...I've dated enough Chinese ladies to identify a fake...she's genuine. It's called "PR" in Australia... She'd have to marry me and stay with me for two years to qualify... Not quite as easy as that... Besides... Those tears were real...
xpaperxcutx Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Nope...I've dated enough Chinese ladies to identify a fake...she's genuine. It's called "PR" in Australia... She'd have to marry me and stay with me for two years to qualify... Not quite as easy as that... Besides... Those tears were real... I'm from the US so we call it a green card. And it takes about the same time over here as well. As a Chinese American I can tell you most Asian girls do come on strong because they watch too many romantic dramas.... Yeah she's in love with you because she lets her emotions control her.
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 I'm from the US so we call it a green card. And it takes about the same time over here as well. As a Chinese American I can tell you most Asian girls do come on strong because they watch too many romantic dramas.... Yeah she's in love with you because she lets her emotions control her. So she's in love because of...television? Gee, and here I am thinking it was my winning personality, looks, and sexual prowess...
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Maybe you're attracting the wrong type of women. You already admitted that you have that 'knight in shining armor' syndrome so it is possible the energy you're putting out there isn't helping. Why not be on your own, take a break from women and dating? 1
Popsicle Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I don't see that she did anything wrong, however, you weren't being honest with her, so now you have to be. And, look, don't do anything like this again. You need to learn to say no to people you don't really like or see a future with. Take the time necesssary to be more in tune with your own feelings and needs. Everyone benefits from this. 2
Jabron1 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 My advice is to just be yourself. And always follow your heart.
Emilia Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 You sure attract crazies. If very insecure and unstable women keep getting involved with you, you want to check the vibe you give off. Your boundaries - or lack of. 2
Jabron1 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 But her English skills, and apparent superficiality are challenging for me to overcome... Well, sir. You seem to be forgetting about a much more universal language... The language of love. There's a book called the 5 love languages. Katiegirl swears by it. Perhaps that can help? 4
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 Is this G or J? G...J was..the other one...
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 Well, sir. You seem to be forgetting about a much more universal language... The language of love. There's a book called the 5 love languages. Katiegirl swears by it. Perhaps that can help? I'll look into it... But love had to be mutual..right?
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 You sure attract crazies. If very insecure and unstable women keep getting involved with you, you want to check the vibe you give off. Your boundaries - or lack of. Intense..maybe..but not crazy. I've had crazy..sure...so I know. Look, she's a lovely girl...it's a case of.."it's not her it's me" Vibe...what vibe... I'm serious...I dated just two people...and this is the result. I don't date ten, or a hundred, and select or be selected by these two... What "boundaries" are you refering to...?
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 I don't see that she did anything wrong, however, you weren't being honest with her, so now you have to be. And, look, don't do anything like this again. You need to learn to say no to people you don't really like or see a future with. Take the time necesssary to be more in tune with your own feelings and needs. Everyone benefits from this. I never suggested or implied she did anything wrong. I also wasn't dishonest with her..I never told her I loved her. I DO like her...a lot... I like her company, she's crazy good in bed, considerate, loving, affectionate... My question is...am I being too fussy? Given time...maybe she'll be a great communicator...
Phoenician Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 “The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” you don't love her do you want the biggest coward ?
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 “The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” you don't love her do you want the biggest coward ? Silly and pointless quote... My intention IS to find a woman to love. My motives are not at question I can't love everyone.
scorpiogirl Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 This is about the third or fourth time this has happened to me. After deciding enough was enough with one girl (qv my other big thread), I got back in touch with a lady I was seeing previously/in the early stages of the other one. It had really only been a week or so since I stopped seeing her, I never formally broke it off, I simply ghosted for a while. We did get on very well, but her communication skills are lacking, and she seems a tad...shallow...constantly asking me whether she looks good in this dress or that, what part of her outfit I like, is this colour good on her... She also got very attached to me very quickly, whilst I was seeing the other woman she texted me a few times, and about the same time I decided to stop seeing that person, she told me how sad she was that I hadn't contacted her, did she do something wrong, she's sorry about a text argument we had (about my having a female flatmate, which she got jealous over)...etc... She wasn't giving up on me... So I saw her again, and that very date we had sex for the first time...not at all surprising considering how touchy-feely she was, and how passionately she kissed me before that moment. She classified as as boyfriend/girlfriend, and we continued seeing each other regularly, she stayed over...etc... But all up it's been 4 weeks since we met. When she came over the other day, she had bought a matching keyring set with a key and a heart, that the key fitted into, telling me that I had the "key to her heart" Quite the sweetest, most romantic thing someone has done for me in a very long time... BUT... I don't love her. She is...head over heals, she pines for me if we aren't together for a day...tells me she misses me as soon as I arrive home after dropping her off... She showed me she had added pictures of us to her lock and phone wallpaper, asked me why I hadn't done the same... I like this lady, she is sexy, amazing in bed, beautiful, funny, happy and just great fun to be with. But she is also jealous, a little controlling, and a tad superficial. Of the "three C's, (Chemistry, Compatibility, and Communication) we have two just fine... But her English skills, and apparent superficiality are challenging for me to overcome... I have already broken up with girls before at this stage, and she is in deeper than any girl I've dated previously in such a short timeframe...She is flying back to China for two weeks, and I saw her for a few hours the night before (last night), she held onto me for ages, and cried... She's gone now for two weeks, so I have time to think about what I'm going to do... Do I stay and hope that as her English improves, her conversation abilities will improve, so that we can have deeper, more meaningful talks, so that we can share movies and TV? I'm frankly sick of hurting people, I've done this too many times, I'm just a normal guy, nothing amazing, why on Earth do I seem to find myself in this situation? Frankly I find my Japanese flatmate more attractive, have better conversations with her.... Oh boy I hate this... None of this is happening to you. If anything, this is happening to HER. You should tell her that you disappeared because you were with another woman and then you had sex with her but don't feel she's up to par. That should assist you in making your decision. 5
Tribble Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Let me get this right. You aren't in love with her....after 4 weeks? Of course you aren't! And she isn't in love with you either. Its been 4 weeks for goodness sake. Like, yes. Lust, most definitely. But love? Do me a favour. And the reason it keeps happening to you is because of you. You ghosted on this woman because you found something you thought was better. When that failed, you can back and slept with her straight away. Where is the getting to know you? Checking to see if you have compatibility? Some women really bond after sex (some, not all). So if you want to avoid this situation in the future, hold off on the sex until you know you want to see where this goes. I'm not saying wait for love. Just wait for feelings that can progress in that direction. You don't sound like you were ever into her really, just lukewarm. If you're looking for love and a partner, this isn't the way to go about it. 1
Popsicle Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I never suggested or implied she did anything wrong. I also wasn't dishonest with her..I never told her I loved her. I DO like her...a lot... I like her company, she's crazy good in bed, considerate, loving, affectionate... My question is...am I being too fussy? Given time...maybe she'll be a great communicator... No, she won't. And again, you need to learn to say no to people sooner. There are people you make like but not enough. To keep hanging out with them when they really want you is cruel. 1
Gershwin Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I don't blame her because: You weren't being honest with her from the start How would she know not to text you if she never knew you were dating another woman (& stringing her along while you waited for the other's decision?) You've never expressed to her what incompatibilities you two have You welcomed her attachment & never dissuaded her from thinking you two are BF & GF You never ended things properly, simply ghosted after an argument You had sex as soon as you got back with her She's right about the flatmate after all, but you convinced her that she's just jealous & perhaps not modern enough to accept 40 something man getting a female flatmate Also, she's a PR, she can get citizenship on her own if she wants to... 4
Author Smoothman Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 I don't blame her because: You weren't being honest with her from the start How would she know not to text you if she never knew you were dating another woman (& stringing her along while you waited for the other's decision?) You've never expressed to her what incompatibilities you two have You welcomed her attachment & never dissuaded her from thinking you two are BF & GF You never ended things properly, simply ghosted after an argument You had sex as soon as you got back with her She's right about the flatmate after all, but you convinced her that she's just jealous & perhaps not modern enough to accept 40 something man getting a female flatmate Also, she's a PR, she can get citizenship on her own if she wants to... I did say that I would date multiple people until I meet the right one, that was like a date 2 conversation. No, I didn't tell her specifically that I was, but you don't, do you? In fact we DID talk about my concerns, part of the whole conversation strong her jealousy of my flatmate (at that stage I didn't even have one, just looking). I told her I need someone I can talk to easily, share things with... I saw "Hall Caesar" with her, and we left half way because she simply couldn't follow it at all. So she DID know, DOES know... I saw her again because in EVERY OTHER RESPECT she's great... She's meet my flatmate, several times, and they get along well, in fact... Just to set the record straight.
thecrucible Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I don't see that she did anything wrong, however, you weren't being honest with her, so now you have to be. And, look, don't do anything like this again. You need to learn to say no to people you don't really like or see a future with. Take the time necesssary to be more in tune with your own feelings and needs. Everyone benefits from this. I agree. I know it takes two to tango but OP could have avoided having sex with her if he wasn't sure about her and could sense that she was getting more attached than he was. To her the sex took their relationship to another level. 2
Author Smoothman Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 I agree. I know it takes two to tango but OP could have avoided having sex with her if he wasn't sure about her and could sense that she was getting more attached than he was. To her the sex took their relationship to another level. That's done, can't change the past. What do I do now?
Jabron1 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 That's done, can't change the past. What do I do now? How about finally taking some responsibility? You let that other woman control the relationship, and it led you to the friend-zone and being exploited. Now, you're letting this woman control the relationship, and it's led you to being her boyfriend, and you don't want that either. The common denominator in all this is you. Stop playing the victim, and start leading. 2
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