emotionsmessmeup Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 I am doing some self searching.. and I want to know...hwo do i deal with this.. we were together for 5-6 years (i was a virgin)..and then he started talking to other girl (another virgin)..(just talking so i didnt mind).. but he left me for her... deep inside i know he left me for her..! I gave my 100 %.. I am 5.8 fair.. she is short and ugly... We deeply connected..hey it lasted 5 years...and then he left me for her..! and they are happy...! now my question is..how do i deal with it..! HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT... is it my ego..maybe..but this is just unfair.. why do i get the pain of heartbreak and she does not! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY its not fair..
ImaManDammit Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Its never fair my dear. With the rare occassions, breakups are usually unfair to one of the two people involved. So was it worth it? Would it be worth it again knowing you may feel this hurt again. Absolutely. Don't be victim here. Learn from this experience and take into your next relatonship so it can be better and strong. You spent 5 years together but relationships are not bank accounts that you can draw upon later. That's why its important to enjoy everyday, because you can never go back. So take you're time to grieve, that is your right, but don't dwell long because you are potentially forfeiting days of happiness
simon_uk Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by emotionsmessmeup deep inside i know he left me for her..! I gave my 100 %.. I am 5.8 fair.. she is short and ugly... But it could be that he thinks you are a 2.4 and he may think that the new girl is a 9.7! The point is it doesnt matter what she looks like or what you look like. It has more to do with a connection. Maybe he just doesnt feel that anymore but thats ok too because you dont want to be with somebody who doesnt feel the same way about you as you do for them do you? It is tough, I know, I have the same thing but dont beat yourself up. One thing I have learned is women tend to trade up when they get their next partner whereas us men tend to trade down! lol Seriously there is no answer but just be glad that you werent married when this happened. Thinsg will work out for you hun, honestly.
dgiirl Posted June 15, 2005 Posted June 15, 2005 Originally posted by simon_uk It is tough, I know, I have the same thing but dont beat yourself up. One thing I have learned is women tend to trade up when they get their next partner whereas us men tend to trade down! lol Heh, I hope that's true. I havent even seen my stbxh's other woman yet. I just hope she's a spender and milks him for all his money Seriously there is no answer but just be glad that you werent married when this happened. Thinsg will work out for you hun, honestly. That's the truth. Dont worry so much about this other girl. They deserve each other if he's going to go cheat on you, and she knows he had a gf. Just count your blessings that now you have the freedom to go find someone who truely does love you. And in the meantime, you can have lots of fun flirting with the boys
moon Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Don't be victim here. Learn from this experience and take into your next relatonship so it can be better and strong. No, I am beginning to not agree with this at all. Grieving isn't all you need to do emotionalmessup. You have been totally abandoned for another person. You were with this person for a long time. Long enough to feel that you knew them and that you could trust them. If this was a short term relationship, I'd just say take your time get over it and then move on. But you know what.....I don't think it's that easy. In the long run this type of ending of a long term relationship, with no exact reason why, will hurt you eternally (I've already heard this from a lot of people who this has happened to). The pain doesn't just go away with time. It's a total betrayal. Yes, all break ups are bad, but some are worse than others. Some do some major damage to your self-esteem and your whole outlook on life for a long, long time. Sort of like rape or being physically abused. I am finally beginning to get this. I totally advise you to get into therapy and start working through this pain. Because it's real pain. It's real hurt and you should feel bad. It's not fair at all and this guy totally blindsided you. Getting into another relationship stronger won't happen until you really go deep and deal with this type of break up. You probably won't trust another man for a long time. And your next relationship could be worse if you don't deal with it. So please get some help for it. The same thing happened to me and it's really f*cked up my whole ability to trust people. Of course I go on, but I still don't date at all. I know people say grieve and get over it, but do you tell a person who's been a victim of a horrible crime to grieve and get over it. No, more than likely there is a lot of post traumatic stuff that you'll need to deal with in order for you to actually have a good relationship again. More and more I am believing this is the truth. I go to therapy and was just talking to my therapist about this last night. She said the wound can go very deep and you need to heal it properly. It can really shatter your whole self concept. Good luck. I know it sucks!!!
moon Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Emotionsmessed up, I'd just like to add that no contact and all that's a given. That's of course what you should strive for (as most people will tell you on this website). But at the same time, you will probably be crippled with this for a long time and it's not going to be as easy as thinking to yourself if I just get over the pain the next guy will be great WRONG. You'd be a very lucky girl if it was that easy. You'll see men in a whole new light. You'll see one you might like and you'll think to yourself---is he going to f*ck me over and leave me for somebody else? Is he going to cheat on me and lie to me? By the time you've processed all your fears, you won't even give the guy a chance. You'll be paralyzed with fear. That's what is going on with me these days. I'd like to get back into the dating pool, but I am too afraid the same thing will happen again. I have major trust issues now. I have no desire to go out with my ex again, but he definately left his mark on me. So once again.....read books, go to a therapist, be alone.....do whatever you have to to go very deep and heal yourself!! But it's not going to be as easy as giving it some time, NC and the next time around it'll be different. No the kind of pain you are feeling doesn't just go away. A friend of mine told me that this happened to her and ten years later she still remembers the betrayal and has had subsequent bad relationships since (each time hoping things would be different). You really got to deal with it and forge a new self-concept. Because the one from your past is most likely shattered from what this guy did to you. He f*cked you over BIG TIME. It's not just an ending of a long relationship it's like suicide with out a note. It's the worst kind of hurt and pain. So hook up with some therapy asap. It's most likely going to be a long road to actual recovery. Unless you just want to band aid it for a while until you get hurt again and again.
ImaManDammit Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by moon But you know what.....I don't think it's that easy. In the long run this type of ending of a long term relationship, with no exact reason why, will hurt you eternally (I've already heard this from a lot of people who this has happened to). The pain doesn't just go away with time. It's a total betrayal. Yes, all break ups are bad, but some are worse than others. Some do some major damage to your self-esteem and your whole outlook on life for a long, long time. Sort of like rape or being physically abused. I am finally beginning to get this. I disagree and I never said it was that easy to to it, but in the end that's waht needs to be done. There's really no set time limit to grieve, as long as there is progress. There are different stages of grieving and you bounce back and forth through them, and depending on the situation some thing take longer than others. Ultimately the end result is the same, coping. And I hope you are not comparing rape to a relationship breakup. Yes I agree both can be tramatic, but shouldn't be compared to side by side. I totally advise you to get into therapy and start working through this pain. Because it's real pain. It's real hurt and you should feel bad. It's not fair at all and this guy totally blindsided you. Getting into another relationship stronger won't happen until you really go deep and deal with this type of break up. You probably won't trust another man for a long time. I'm an advocate of therapy, but lets not jump the gun here. She has to establish certain things herself in order to really determine if therapy is going to do her any good. Some people need to be "ready" for therapy. I think its to early for her to assess this, and its definitely not the cure all. I'm not saying that this is not a big deal to her, but its similar to getting a divorce. Some people handle it with time with the support of family and friends, and others don't and need to seek other assistance. But the first thing is give the person encouringing words like, "we understand", "we've been there", "its ok to grieve", and "when you're ready yu will move on". Your life hasn't ended.
dgiirl Posted June 16, 2005 Posted June 16, 2005 Originally posted by ImaManDammit And I hope you are not comparing rape to a relationship breakup. Yes I agree both can be tramatic, but shouldn't be compared to side by side. I agree with IMD. I do understand where you are coming from Moon. My stbxh simply walked out of the marriage, and told me he never loved me. At first I felt violated and disgusted as if I was raped. I kept obsessing over the thoughts of us together, and how I felt used and betrayed and was wondering what he was thinking all those times. Over time I've come to realize that I'm not a victim, and obsessing over those thoughts made me a victim and I didnt heal. A victim is someone who lets a tramatic event ruin their life, and I refuse to do it. After about 4 months, I'm starting to give myself my own closure. I dont want to hear my stbxh's reasons because they are simply messed up, and everyone I talk to cant even fathom that being true. He's simply saying those things because he's messed up in the head himself. He desperately wants out of the marriage, and he's giving himself any excuse to make it the right decision. He has to live with this decision, and I just have to keep moving on. But for my own sanity, I have to believe that the times we shared together, we did have a real connection. It just wasnt one sided, regardless of what he claims is the truth, I refuse to believe it. But right now, it doesnt matter. The relationship is over. I cant change the past, but I can change my future. And I have to have faith that not every guy will treat me the same way my stbxh did. I have to believe that there are guys out there who will communicate their feelings and work on the relationship before just walking out. And I dont want to let my stbxh ruin my future relationships. Do i think it's going to be easy to get into another relationship? Not a chance. But I have to be patient and wait for a guy who will understand my situation, and be caring enough to work through my issues together. If not, then I dont want him either. I agree that therapy is a good thing. But I dont think it's a good thing right at the moment everything happens. You need to give yourself some time to grieve and understand what's going on. Otherwise, the therapist is just going to sit there and watch you cry.
Iwishiknewthen Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 frustrating i wrote you a whole reply emotionsmessed up and i thought it was really good and inspiring and then my comp crashed. anyway i agree with EVERYthing moon said. it is traumatic and as bad a lot of things can be. sorry i am so frustrated i crashed. just wanted to say i can relate to u and when i remember what i said, i will write back. youre not crazy, youre in shock, i am in the same situation. i was with him for 5 years. i pray, meditate ask God for strength. ........................sighs i wish i had that letter i do other things to..that letter was a gem. its late, i am tired, havent slept right since that idiot traumatized the heck out of me and now i lost my response to you. sighs..........just keep your mind as busy as possible and feed it good thoughts and experiences. i know its not the same as loving him and being loved by him...no way. but we all need to deprogam our minds and trick out body's with hormones that aid us in dealing with this major crash we are going thru. and we can all see this as something we all need to conquer together. even if we dont know one another and out pain is personal. lets see it as a group effort here, to live happier healthier lives so we wont feel like we are the living dead or living hell in longing. thats no way to live and we all deserve better here. God Bless
Recommended Posts