about "outta city" guy

March 23, 2016

So I like so many woman, have dated men I am not interested in. I date them for a few months get to know them, think that maybe I like them, but know deep down, i'm not interested so, I end up dating for the sake of it.

I think I have a " scarcity mindset" where I believe all the good guys are taken so the ones left are just ones I have to settle for. Has anyone ever felt like that before?

But finally i met someone I really, really, really like, we felt an instant connection with one another, in fact he was the first to express he felt an instant connection.

At first I felt it all felt so fast. He lived in another city but he was coming to my city anyway to live eventually anyway for work. I expressed that I felt that it was all too fast, and he said he knew it felt fast too, but because he had never felt this connection before with anyone he decided to embrace it.

We both admitted that we were falling in love. It felt surreal.

When we finally met up, instead it being really awkward, we were all over each other. That night we were naked, sex, he even went down on me, I haven't had any guy do that for me for over a decade. I was truly, truly grateful.

But in the morning we both felt lost. We both felt overwhelmed. We realized we didn't know each other. When he left in the morning to get on his plane. We decided to be friends until we got to know each other properly.

At first I found the transition hard. We were so lovey dovey and then bam, we were just friends!? it felt really bizarre and I felt empty

So then after crying on the phone and he feeling bad about him hurting me, and after a week of reflection, I realised " hey, he's right, we don't know each other, we need some time to get to know each other and he isn't even in the same city"

So then the text messages became fewer and fewer, they went from all day, to twice a day to once a day. Then I wouldn't text him until he text me, and My text messages were very short and sweet.

I found myself playing games, just to protect myself so I wouldn't feel attached.

Then this week I have accepted a few dates, just to keep my options open. I am feeling like perhaps this guy realised after we had sex that he wasn't all that into me, I have asked this of him, but of course he says he still does, but his actions speak otherwise and now I feel like I have detach myself slowly from him as i feel he has detached myself from him.

I am angry at myself because I feel and look like a fool, liking someone who doesn't like me!? stupid, stupid, stupid. So I started dating others...

Has anyone been through something similar and can someone offer me advice while I sort of recover from this failure to launch scenario?

xo D

March 23, 2016

Too many unsatisfactory men?

Spend some time on your own, improving your relationship with yourself.

Take care.

March 23, 2016

The weird thing is that i was fine being single, after all I have been pretty much without a relationship for several, several years. I date to fill in the time, to learn, to grow, to expand, to make me realise I am attractive.

I was fine being single, I had a long, long time to get at being single. To follow my dreams, to study, to travel, to learn, when this guy came a long, it was a surprise.

But I feel like perhaps for me, I am just better on my own? when ever I have a quasi-relationship it turns to poop and i have to start all over again. I'm always " self-improving" I think that there is nothing wrong with me, but when I get into these relationships and the guy starts fading out, I start to doubt myself. Then I think " screw this, I may as well date a whole bunch of men, to A.) help me get over it and to learn and grow as a person and B.) detach myself from the one that has hurt me.

Seems to be what's an accepted practice these days

March 24, 2016

You must do what feels right for you.

Its important to keep ones centre of gravity within oneself, whether single or coupled.

For some people when in a couple, their centre of gravity becomes misplaced, and they 'wobble.'

Their sense of self becomes unstable.

I'm not saying that this is what happens to you, but it's not uncommon amongst people in general.

Take care.

March 24, 2016

I think that's what is happening to me Satu, and i am not sure how to control it or to regain that confidence. I use to be so sure, now all I do is doubt. And i spoke to him today. I think I feel afraid that I'll get rejected again and all these passive-aggressive whatever comes out of me. I think i have to build this wall, to stop myself from feeling attached, because I am afraid he's detached.

Does this make sense?

March 24, 2016

My advice in situations like this is: fall down 7 times, get up eight. Or whatever that good saying is!!!

You risked things that's a good thing. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. You are doing the right thing by going on new dates (the get up part). You are only doing the wrong thing by thinking you've done something wrong or failed. If it's been 10 years, I think you are doing the "rightest" thing for people like you: you took a chance; you put yourself out there. Instead of classifying it as a total failure, try thinking of it as an almost success (or even a success). By putting yourself out there and taking a chance, you got closer to find the right guy for you.

Ok specifically about this guy. I wouldn't give up yet. It was probably too much too soon. Doesn't mean it's done for good. You both pulled back considerably. Could you make a real effort at being friends? And then see what happens. One of my friends is MARRIED to her guy from a scenario much like that. You can't act passive-aggressive. You need to act like easy-breezy when you talk to him (and make it so). Where you are in your life is exactly where you are meant to be. If you have goals, as long as you are putting good effort toward them, you are where you are meant to be. Settle into that. Thus the fact that it didn't completely stay on the fast track is not a bad thing. Ironically, you came to this conclusion yourself (you were moving too fast, etc) and then self-doubt and insecurity got the best of you. You have to act like you are fine being friends and/or getting to know one another. the disappointed vibe/failure vibe/guilt vibe is bad for both of you and definitely for a budding relationship. Act like your life is moving forward happily and you enjoy him in your life (if in fact you do), that will pay the best benefits. At the VERY least, putting yourself into a "winning" state of mind, will be a good mindset and vibe to be putting out on these new dates. You never know where life will take you.

Once I had a bad night at a party as things were falling apart with the guy I was dating at that time. The next day I was so sad (and hungover!!). One of my friends dragged me out to what should have been a nothing BBQ and there was NO reason to believe anyone to meet would be there and I wasn't really in that mindset anyway. I was in the mindset to have a good girl time, mainly because pressure was low with that group and no reason to be thinking there would be amazing guys at that BBQ. Through her I ended up meeting a gorgeous, great guy that day and basically had a new bf a week later. Life can change in a day if you are open to it. My point is that if you act like you are exactly where you want to be in life (to point that you start believing and living as such) it draws things to you. Make all your interactions positive ones in the sense that they are your choice and what you want to be doing--bring your best to what you do and the choices you make in life. Don't let things happen TO you. So if you keep talking to this guy, be a flirty friend and see what happens. If you decide it doesn't serve you or it is preventing you from reaching dating goals (ie you are hung up and leave no room for others by keeping him in your life) then don't do it. Be the creator of your own life. It definitely will alleviate some of what you are feeling. Good luck

March 24, 2016

My advice in situations like this is: fall down 7 times, get up eight. Or whatever that good saying is!!!

You risked things that's a good thing. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. You are doing the right thing by going on new dates (the get up part). You are only doing the wrong thing by thinking you've done something wrong or failed. If it's been 10 years, I think you are doing the "rightest" thing for people like you: you took a chance; you put yourself out there. Instead of classifying it as a total failure, try thinking of it as an almost success (or even a success). By putting yourself out there and taking a chance, you got closer to find the right guy for you.

Ok specifically about this guy. I wouldn't give up yet. It was probably too much too soon. Doesn't mean it's done for good. You both pulled back considerably. Could you make a real effort at being friends? And then see what happens. One of my friends is MARRIED to her guy from a scenario much like that. You can't act passive-aggressive. You need to act like easy-breezy when you talk to him (and make it so). Where you are in your life is exactly where you are meant to be. If you have goals, as long as you are putting good effort toward them, you are where you are meant to be. Settle into that. Thus the fact that it didn't completely stay on the fast track is not a bad thing. Ironically, you came to this conclusion yourself (you were moving too fast, etc) and then self-doubt and insecurity got the best of you. You have to act like you are fine being friends and/or getting to know one another. the disappointed vibe/failure vibe/guilt vibe is bad for both of you and definitely for a budding relationship. Act like your life is moving forward happily and you enjoy him in your life (if in fact you do), that will pay the best benefits. At the VERY least, putting yourself into a "winning" state of mind, will be a good mindset and vibe to be putting out on these new dates. You never know where life will take you.

Once I had a bad night at a party as things were falling apart with the guy I was dating at that time. The next day I was so sad (and hungover!!). One of my friends dragged me out to what should have been a nothing BBQ and there was NO reason to believe anyone to meet would be there and I wasn't really in that mindset anyway. I was in the mindset to have a good girl time, mainly because pressure was low with that group and no reason to be thinking there would be amazing guys at that BBQ. Through her I ended up meeting a gorgeous, great guy that day and basically had a new bf a week later. Life can change in a day if you are open to it. My point is that if you act like you are exactly where you want to be in life (to point that you start believing and living as such) it draws things to you. Make all your interactions positive ones in the sense that they are your choice and what you want to be doing--bring your best to what you do and the choices you make in life. Don't let things happen TO you. So if you keep talking to this guy, be a flirty friend and see what happens. If you decide it doesn't serve you or it is preventing you from reaching dating goals (ie you are hung up and leave no room for others by keeping him in your life) then don't do it. Be the creator of your own life. It definitely will alleviate some of what you are feeling. Good luck

There are lots of things about this experience that I am grateful for. I got sex, there was some oral sex that I am grateful for and I got to spend some time with a lovely, lovely person and it felt like love. It felt the closest thing to it. So there are lots of things that I really, really appreciate. I just have this fear of it falling to pieces so sometimes I find myself doing this sabotaging behavior like trying to put a wall up because I am in fear that he will reject me, just like tom, dick and harry. Like I said to a friend, I don't think I could go through another " failure to launch" situation again. However, I have had men interested in me, but i didn't like them. So I do have men interested in me, i just think it's a hard thing to find, a man treating you well/someone that your'e interested in and attracted to. My friend has just found the right guy for her, someone she could get married to, at 48 years old. So she spent all her dating life, dating duds before she met the right bloke. Unfortunately, she can't have any children, but she is just full of gratitude that she finally met someone she loves and that truly loves her.

March 24, 2016

There are lots of things about this experience that I am grateful for. I got sex, there was some oral sex that I am grateful for and I got to spend some time with a lovely, lovely person and it felt like love. It felt the closest thing to it. So there are lots of things that I really, really appreciate. I just have this fear of it falling to pieces so sometimes I find myself doing this sabotaging behavior like trying to put a wall up because I am in fear that he will reject me, just like tom, dick and harry. Like I said to a friend, I don't think I could go through another " failure to launch" situation again. However, I have had men interested in me, but i didn't like them. So I do have men interested in me, i just think it's a hard thing to find, a man treating you well/someone that your'e interested in and attracted to. My friend has just found the right guy for her, someone she could get married to, at 48 years old. So she spent all her dating life, dating duds before she met the right bloke. Unfortunately, she can't have any children, but she is just full of gratitude that she finally met someone she loves and that truly loves her.

Sure it's a hard thing to find. Interesting than that you would classify finding/almost launching into a relationship as failure. You got close. you are assuming that the pullback means it is over and a done deal. People get afraid usually at some point or another. Facing your fears got you close to what you wanted by putting you in the path of this guy which is a good thing. you can't let fear or how you classify what happened prevent you from having your future hopes and desires come true. I'm not saying that you are not grateful. But you asked how to make it through this or something to that effect and I am saying you need to categorize it differently in your head and let it motivate you to keep trying and putting your best into things (especially with guys) because you are "this" close. What has the biggest potential to stop you is feeling like a failure or this melancholy. I think it's great to find one's true love, but over-romanticizing things for some people can be dangerous. And same with seeing yourself as a failure. I don't see things as over with this guy but I suspect they will be if you communicate with him from one mindset vs another. I know you can do this--you just need to believe in yourself.

March 24, 2016

Thanks. That is one of the most supportive and the nicest thing that anyone on this site has ever said to me. Some people are quite negative and say some appalling things to strangers. I think it's been a long time since I have felt this vulnerable too and I'm not use to it. I'm use to being strong, independent and on my own. I was pretty much single for 12 and a half years. Don't think anyone can beat that! So for me, he is a big deal. Even though I've dated men for months ( is that classed as a relationship? I never know the difference) to have a full blown relationship i haven't had for many years so I sometimes cry spontaneously over it because I am emotionally confused as to what I am personally feeling at this stage of my life. It feels unreal and surreal and bizarre. Usually I am super cool, calm and collected.

March 24, 2016

maybe if you let yourself be excited for once, and enjoy the ride, you will get to where you would like to be.

March 24, 2016

maybe if you let yourself be excited for once, and enjoy the ride, you will get to where you would like to be.

Have you even read what the thread is about? I never said I wasn't excited. I'm just going through an emotional roller-coaster ride at the moment. These feelings are new. All of this is new.

March 25, 2016

Thanks. That is one of the most supportive and the nicest thing that anyone on this site has ever said to me. Some people are quite negative and say some appalling things to strangers. I think it's been a long time since I have felt this vulnerable too and I'm not use to it. I'm use to being strong, independent and on my own. I was pretty much single for 12 and a half years. Don't think anyone can beat that! So for me, he is a big deal. Even though I've dated men for months ( is that classed as a relationship? I never know the difference) to have a full blown relationship i haven't had for many years so I sometimes cry spontaneously over it because I am emotionally confused as to what I am personally feeling at this stage of my life. It feels unreal and surreal and bizarre. Usually I am super cool, calm and collected.

Of course he is a big deal. Because he represents a lot more than just the guy he is. He is also the solution to the way you've been feeling about yourself lately. He represents maybe an ideal guy and also gives you hope that you can get back to being and expressing this cool person you are. Best of everything. That's why it's so easy to get attached to these ones.

If you can, try to harness what was good that YOU did to get to this stage with him. Those feelings. Those came from you and you can generate again (with him or someone else). You need to re-access those feelings, latch onto them and feelings YOU were able to create and re-channel them to anything that comes into your path (guys, people, friends, work, all things). That is how you build your confidence back up and stay in a good place which will benefit you WHENEVER good opportunities cross your path. Correction: it allows you to create good opportunities for yourself. So dial down the importance that THIS guy gave you this or was source of it. You were the real source. He was just a minor player. You can recreate with someone else too. There is something in psychology (forgot what it's called) but basically it is an inward or outward focus. The happiest people credit themselves (sounds conceited) as being the reason (source) of good things occurring. So in other words, they don't outsource their happiness. Or over-romanticize about a guy or a relationship. There's an inherent confidence that since you were the source of those good feelings you can do it again (with him or with someone else).

In conjunction with this, the happiest people when something goes wrong blame the others or stay kind of neutral. They don't turn inward and think something is wrong with themselves (kind of conceited again but still). There is data and research to back this up. REMEMBER IT LIKE THIS:

*When good things happen, it is BECAUSE of you.

*When bad things happen, it is because of an outside thing (not you).

The science behind this is it allows happy people to get over bad occurrences relatively quickly and not dent their self-esteem. When it is about something good, it bolsters their self-esteem and is not quickly forgotten. Make sense?

I can see that at going on 12 years it would be somewhat normal to start getting down on yourself if you have really wanted a relationship most of that time. What I think you should do is work on your mindset and classify this as a success, due to how close you got, that it is still an open opportunity. Use it to spur on additional success.

March 26, 2016

Of course he is a big deal. Because he represents a lot more than just the guy he is. He is also the solution to the way you've been feeling about yourself lately. He represents maybe an ideal guy and also gives you hope that you can get back to being and expressing this cool person you are. Best of everything. That's why it's so easy to get attached to these ones.

If you can, try to harness what was good that YOU did to get to this stage with him. Those feelings. Those came from you and you can generate again (with him or someone else). You need to re-access those feelings, latch onto them and feelings YOU were able to create and re-channel them to anything that comes into your path (guys, people, friends, work, all things). That is how you build your confidence back up and stay in a good place which will benefit you WHENEVER good opportunities cross your path. Correction: it allows you to create good opportunities for yourself. So dial down the importance that THIS guy gave you this or was source of it. You were the real source. He was just a minor player. You can recreate with someone else too. There is something in psychology (forgot what it's called) but basically it is an inward or outward focus. The happiest people credit themselves (sounds conceited) as being the reason (source) of good things occurring. So in other words, they don't outsource their happiness. Or over-romanticize about a guy or a relationship. There's an inherent confidence that since you were the source of those good feelings you can do it again (with him or with someone else).

In conjunction with this, the happiest people when something goes wrong blame the others or stay kind of neutral. They don't turn inward and think something is wrong with themselves (kind of conceited again but still). There is data and research to back this up. REMEMBER IT LIKE THIS:

*When good things happen, it is BECAUSE of you.
*When bad things happen, it is because of an outside thing (not you).

The science behind this is it allows happy people to get over bad occurrences relatively quickly and not dent their self-esteem. When it is about something good, it bolsters their self-esteem and is not quickly forgotten. Make sense?

I can see that at going on 12 years it would be somewhat normal to start getting down on yourself if you have really wanted a relationship most of that time. What I think you should do is work on your mindset and classify this as a success, due to how close you got, that it is still an open opportunity. Use it to spur on additional success.

I just want to say thank you so much for not judging me. Not that I would assume you would. But you get a lot of people that don't offer advice but tell you how silly you're being. And I think you can understand that my feelings are valid because they are real and they are what I am feeling. I think your advice is practical and thanks so much for it. I talked to him on the phone as a little update. I was trying to be a bit more " walled" just to not seem too needy, but he saw right through me and right through my little wall! oh god I am so clueless! he said " if you could only hear yourself and hear how passive aggressive you're being" and then instead of giving up he just laughed and told me to tell him how I really felt. I told him and he said " there is nothing I can give you here and now, but if I could I would give you a hug, look you in the eye and tell you it's going to be alright". Not such a bad guy!

March 26, 2016

I just want to say thank you so much for not judging me. Not that I would assume you would. But you get a lot of people that don't offer advice but tell you how silly you're being. And I think you can understand that my feelings are valid because they are real and they are what I am feeling. I think your advice is practical and thanks so much for it. I talked to him on the phone as a little update. I was trying to be a bit more " walled" just to not seem too needy, but he saw right through me and right through my little wall! oh god I am so clueless! he said " if you could only hear yourself and hear how passive aggressive you're being" and then instead of giving up he just laughed and told me to tell him how I really felt. I told him and he said " there is nothing I can give you here and now, but if I could I would give you a hug, look you in the eye and tell you it's going to be alright". Not such a bad guy!

I guess I kinda miss him

March 26, 2016

I just want to say thank you so much for not judging me. Not that I would assume you would. But you get a lot of people that don't offer advice but tell you how silly you're being. And I think you can understand that my feelings are valid because they are real and they are what I am feeling. I think your advice is practical and thanks so much for it. I talked to him on the phone as a little update. I was trying to be a bit more " walled" just to not seem too needy, but he saw right through me and right through my little wall! oh god I am so clueless! he said " if you could only hear yourself and hear how passive aggressive you're being" and then instead of giving up he just laughed and told me to tell him how I really felt. I told him and he said " there is nothing I can give you here and now, but if I could I would give you a hug, look you in the eye and tell you it's going to be alright". Not such a bad guy!

Thank you. I strive to give practical and helpful advice so that is a compliment to me. Hmmmm, so it didn't bother you when he called you passive aggressive? I guess it could be an honest assessment, in which case you are developing a real friendship and open communication, which is a good thing. I would take some space because you want to talk to him in those times when you are not doing that to him. So when you feel good and not have an underlying anger or expectations that aren't being met by him in your opinion is the right time to talk to him.

He did say the nice comment at the end. I'm just most concerned about how you feel about yourself, yourself interacting with him and your ability to keep the spark going with him--which is where the advice in this post comes from. just put yourself in his shoes and ask how long you would remain interested in someone that is "disappointed" in you and feels let down by you. Don't underestimate a guy's ego. That is best creating spark in making a girl they already think is amazing and independent of him amazing and cool impressed. People tire of bolstering up the other person so that's why I'm saying be cautious about talking to him when you feel like that. you are still in those beginning stages where it's important to show your best sides. The deep stuff can come in time.

Think about it: probably moving too fast is why he needed to pull back. Heavy feelings is going to have the same effect on him. I like that he is telling you that you can be real with him. Tuck that away for future reference. Be real with him by allowing him into deeper stuff about you that isn't too negative or focused on the relationship progression--flirting, and other good secrets are good to share. That is developing a real friendship. It sure sounds like he is open to giving it a chance but I do think you need to be cognizant on how you go about it. Basically if you could do this, I think you would be golden: imagine that the relationship is exactly as you want it to be. You don't need to discuss status or stuff like that or future plans--that's too much for where his head is. But before he told you that you guys needed to go slower, you were on top of the world, feeling like your best self and full of life. Act like that when you talk to him or see him. Don't think beyond that. Let things unfold.

It is your responsibility to manage your expectations about what is going on between you two. If you really don't think this slower pace is worth it, do both of you a favor and walk away. I think you know it is worth it but want it both ways--or actually want to just progress with him as it was before (fast) but feel rejected. You need to make peace with and accept that the slower pace is something you agree with and want too and embrace it if you continue to talk to him. You can even give yourself internally a timeline for when you will assess it again but drop it (feeling like you are missing out or were rejected) in the meantime. That should put the brakes on the passive-aggressiveness.

March 26, 2016

Thank you. I strive to give practical and helpful advice so that is a compliment to me. Hmmmm, so it didn't bother you when he called you passive aggressive? I guess it could be an honest assessment, in which case you are developing a real friendship and open communication, which is a good thing. I would take some space because you want to talk to him in those times when you are not doing that to him. So when you feel good and not have an underlying anger or expectations that aren't being met by him in your opinion is the right time to talk to him.

He did say the nice comment at the end. I'm just most concerned about how you feel about yourself, yourself interacting with him and your ability to keep the spark going with him--which is where the advice in this post comes from. just put yourself in his shoes and ask how long you would remain interested in someone that is "disappointed" in you and feels let down by you. Don't underestimate a guy's ego. That is best creating spark in making a girl they already think is amazing and independent of him amazing and cool impressed. People tire of bolstering up the other person so that's why I'm saying be cautious about talking to him when you feel like that. you are still in those beginning stages where it's important to show your best sides. The deep stuff can come in time.

Think about it: probably moving too fast is why he needed to pull back. Heavy feelings is going to have the same effect on him. I like that he is telling you that you can be real with him. Tuck that away for future reference. Be real with him by allowing him into deeper stuff about you that isn't too negative or focused on the relationship progression--flirting, and other good secrets are good to share. That is developing a real friendship. It sure sounds like he is open to giving it a chance but I do think you need to be cognizant on how you go about it. Basically if you could do this, I think you would be golden: imagine that the relationship is exactly as you want it to be. You don't need to discuss status or stuff like that or future plans--that's too much for where his head is. But before he told you that you guys needed to go slower, you were on top of the world, feeling like your best self and full of life. Act like that when you talk to him or see him. Don't think beyond that. Let things unfold.

It is your responsibility to manage your expectations about what is going on between you two. If you really don't think this slower pace is worth it, do both of you a favor and walk away. I think you know it is worth it but want it both ways--or actually want to just progress with him as it was before (fast) but feel rejected. You need to make peace with and accept that the slower pace is something you agree with and want too and embrace it if you continue to talk to him. You can even give yourself internally a timeline for when you will assess it again but drop it (feeling like you are missing out or were rejected) in the meantime. That should put the brakes on the passive-aggressiveness.

Just curious, If I am in a weird mood ( because sometimes it comes on quite suddenly when I talk to him and I end up feeling sad) Should I just say " can I arrange to call you again, when I'm not feeling so sad? I think it's best this way... or maybe I can make up some excuse like " quite busy, in the middle of something but I can talk later on" or something

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