Natalie92 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. Broken up a few times briefly. This is a long story so I do apologise. I just feel I need to get it out. Recently we have been great, after our previous argument of me not trusting him. This came about because I, for no reason, checked his Facebook messages. There were flirty messages to a woman but after confronting him he says that there was nothing going on , he has known her for years and is the sister of one of the people he used to go to school with and has always spoken to her in that way. We got over that. The other day he broken the news that despite all we have spoken about, he wants to put off buying a house because he wants to see more of the world with me, he was crying his eyes out saying he was scared to lose me and that he loves me, this was tough to hear but again were getting over that too. Last night he said that he hasn't been happy for a while, hearing the reason why,I understand. I can't cope with not getting the attention off him, when he's out I will text him a lot to the point I get upset and start being horrible. I need to stop as this is not acceptable. I'm just so scared that he will leave me. I need help and advice on what to do. I love him more than anything
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 You need to realize that if he's going to cheat he will and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't control him. You can only trust him. He's your boyfriend. Nobody else's. You should lighten up if you love him because the way you're torturing him with your insecurities is not love. Go easy on him or you know...self-fulfilling prophecy and all.
Author Natalie92 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 I'd just rather he told me if he didn't want to be with me rather than cheat. I do believe that he would never cheat on me. I just need to deal with my own insecurities as that's the main problem. But I have no idea how to do this, I haven't always been like this and I don't know why I am now. I know if I don't change then t will come to an end but I really don't want that. 1
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 If you know he'll never cheat on you then trust him. Every time you're stressing yourself out remind yourself that you trust him. That's all. 1
Author Natalie92 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 Ok, but it's like now. He told me he was going out with his sister tonight, I saw the texts. But she has been posting a lot of things on Facebook which now makes me believe that she isn't with him. What would you think? He hasn't replied to my text. This is when my mind starts wondering when it shouldn't!
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Stop reading her Facebook and driving yourself crazy. What sister would allow her brother to post on her page anyway? You're really looking to not trust him. And if you don't then you should break up with him because nobody wants to be with somebody who they can't even trust.
preraph Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 You do need to deal with your insecurities because any guy can cheat no matter how much you nag and monitor. You would benefit by just getting some counseling and finding out why you are so afraid to lose a man. I mean, come on, we all lose in love sometime and then we move on and love again. There are people who become codependent or financially dependent, and that's not healthy. You should set yourself up to where you can't be afraid to lose him for financial reasons by being your own provider. You'd probably benefit by living totally on your own for a couple of years to bolster your confidence that you can do it and that losing a man isn't the end of the world. There's plenty more where that one came from. The worst pity about this whole thing is you can't be enjoying the relationship because you're letting it stress you out, when all the stressing might actually drive him away, because who wants to live with that neediness? So if you can't chill out and relax and just TRY to enjoy what you have, then do get some help with it and you'll be happier. You can't stop him from leaving sometime, no matter what you do, but stressing all the time is the opposite of attractive and can drive people away. I mean, really, what are we talking about her? To you the worst case scenario seems to be that a cheater would cheat and leave. Trust me, if he IS a cheater, which there's no evidence he is, him leaving is the BEST thing that could happen and the sooner the better. Meanwhile, get and stay on birth control. 1
Author Natalie92 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 I don't feel that I depend on him. We both go and see our friends etc but I just get frustrated if he doesn't text me back while he's out. Pathetic I know and I have realised this. Whereas he has said to me that he doesn't text me when I'm out as he knows I'm busy. Me being me take that as he doesn't care or he doesn't want to talk to me. I am worried that he will get fed up of it all and I don't blame him. We just go through rally good patches and then crappy patches. I am also scared that he is only staying with me at the moment as we have booked a few holidays. He says he isn't staying with me for that but something in my head is telling me different :/ I appreciate your responses as this is helping me get it all out and realise what I'm doing to the poor guy!
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Stop texting him when he's out then. Let him have fun with his friends rather than bothering him the whole time. He's with you and made future plans with you. Not anybody else. 1
Author Natalie92 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 I am trying. I told myself I would nev turn into this needy girlfriend and I have! I'm so annoyed with th myself for it. He has been nothing but great to me and all I want is for us to be happy again. I just feel were on a slippery slope
amaysngrace Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 You're the one who is putting your relationship at risk. Don't you have anything that can be doing other than stressing about something that may or may not even happen? Can you read or take a walk or a bath or something or go shopping? Is seems like you have too much time to think and not enough to do. Go do something.
PinkElephants Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Is there a reason you're so insecure and unable to cope without his attention? Was there an event in your past, either in this relationship or something else, that caused you to feel like you're not worth staying with and that's why you're seeking constant validation? Lastly, what would it take for you to feel secure in this relationship? If there's nothing reasonable that he can do then you might have a problem that needs to be addressed within you. Whatever the answer is, I hope you're able to curb the urge to bombard him. I dated a guy, a gentle, thoughtful, supportive, insatiably insecure guy. He started accusing me of wanting to leave him for someone hotter or wealthier and it got worse over time. I tried reassuring him but eventually gave up because he couldn't be soothed; I don't know what had happened to him before he met me but he wouldn't stop and nothing I did made things better. So I left just like he said I would. Not for another guy, just to be alone and have some peace.
Author Natalie92 Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 (edited) Basically, without seeking anyone's attention, I hate myself. I hate what I look like, he told me last night that he is fed up of telling me in gorgeous and me not believing it. I don't know what it would take for me to get over this. He now wants to talk tonight so of course all I'm thinking now is that he's going to leave me. I don't know what to do. I would be so heartbroken. What can I say to him to make him realise that I want to change and I will change my ways? Or have I lost him for good? Edited March 24, 2016 by Natalie92
BoughtAtAPrice Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I have recently gone through some very similar feelings to yourself in a new relationship and I would suggest you go and see a counselor to have a good talk about this in a safe, private environment. They really do help. Also I did some research into attachment styles and also fear of abandonment (I was cheated on in my 15 year marriage and we broke up a few years ago - it left me with lots of insecurity) Learning a few things about myself and why I think the way I do really, really helped me understand why I got so wigged out when my boyfriend goes out with friends or I start to get triggered and have dark thoughts, imaginings and worries about what he is doing or why I shouldn't trust him. I learned to realise that my past is not my present and my current boyfriend is not my cheating ex. It's still not easy but I am getting there and you can too. 1
ChickiePops Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 You are going to drive him away if you don't deal with your issues quickly. Have you ever seen a therapist? I'd make an appointment, preferably for tomorrow. If I was with someone who was as insecure as you I'd get fed up too. These are YOUR issues, not his, and it's your job to fix them, so get started. 1
ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 sounds like he is having cold feet, i dont think u have done anything wrong. sometimes its just the other person. and most the time u wont get a clear answer. i have been in a similar situation. got no answers. i know u love him, but u need to feel love back as well. is there something he is hiding? and not speaking the truth. in my situation my partner was crying so badly, and said it was because 'someone had died' but in the end it was becuase he had been unfaithful
PinkElephants Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 I hate myself. Why? I hate myself. I hate what I look like, he told me last night that he is fed up of telling me in gorgeous and me not believing it. I don't know what it would take for me to get over this. What can I say to him to make him realise that I want to change and I will change my ways? Or have I lost him for good? In one breath you're saying, "I can't change, I'll never get over my self-hatred." In the next breath you say, "How can I make him realize I'll change?" Which is it? Your self-loathing sounds like a deeply rooted issue and the willingness to change is desperation and possibly insincere. There may be nothing you can do at this point. He's had 2 years of being emotionally drained; he's been trying to fill your "need" bucket which is bottomless. By the time I left the insecure guy there was nothing he could have done to change my mind. I was tired, resentful and simply didn't respect him anymore. What can I say to him to make him realise that I want to change and I will change my ways? Don't say anything. DO THE WORK. Change. Don't give him empty fluff to delay the abandonment. Be a person he can't bear to leave. I hope you'll address your issues. You acknowledge that you've behaved in an unreasonable and unacceptable way which is the first step towards change. It could be a very positive move for you no matter what happens in this relationship. 2
mikeylo Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 Be a person he can't bear to leave. I'm going to use this line somewhere ! Applies to both genders.
stillafool Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 You need to seek therapy for your insecurity. No one likes to have to check in all the time just to ease someones fears. It's a turn off. When your bf goes out with his friends why don't you go out with yours so you will be having so much fun that you will forget about him? Sitting home, stalking FB is going to drive you nuts.
Author Natalie92 Posted March 25, 2016 Author Posted March 25, 2016 Hi guys, thanks for all of your messages, it has made me realise how selfish I have been. I have told him i am going to change I just need to prove it now. Things just don't feel the same anymore, he doesn't seem that interested in sex etc since we started this whole problem. I guess it's going to take time for him to realise that I want to change and become a better person. I'm just scared it's too late, but he just doesn't want to admit it and neith do I :,(
OneLov Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 It's not about being selfish; it's about not being crazy. You're still worrying about things you cannot control. Stop it! The only thing your behavior will do is drive him away. Just chill and results will follow.
spiderowl Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 I don't think you can do anything about this guy. He may well already have checked out. Don't blame yourself. Yes, you have been insecure, but now you know it can be a turnoff and that there are limits. Let the guy worry about what you've been up to all evening instead of the other way round. Despite what people are saying about it being your problem, I am getting a sense that there is something amiss here. I do feel he is backing out. You can't stop him. Let him go. Concentrate on making yourself feel good and caring for yourself. At the end of the day, trust your instincts but moderate your behaviour.
Author Natalie92 Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 I keep getting mixed messages from him now. One minute he's really nice and acting like he used to, then other days it's like he can't be bothered I get that he needs time but it's horrible not knowing what's going on in his head.
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