bling3 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I’ve been dating someone for 2 months. I’m 42, he's 49 both divorced with kids similar ages. He had a 2 year relationship while he was separated, then another for 1 1/2 yr that ended in October mainly because she was too young, wanted kids and in different places in their lives. He’s always pursued me, called at least once a day, went on a date at least twice a week. We had sex on the 2nd date, but his actions never changed and this isn’t about sex at all. During our 1st date, he told me he was friends with his past x-gf. During lunch, I asked if he was still speaking with her. He said yes, not often, mostly about his work. He called shortly after and said he wanted to spend more time with me, now is a good time to discuss our relationship since we haven't. We agreed that we weren't seeing anyone else and agreed that's what we wanted, he asked for dinner on Monday. Monday(8 days ago), we have dinner and a GREAT fun time, talked about a lot more in depth about what we were looking for, were both on the same page. He was affectionate,no signs of hesitation. I said you can’t move on if you’re still speaking to your xgf, he agreed and said I am going to change that. She was the first woman that met his kids, but said she’s not for him. He’s trying to get more custody with his kids, has a lot going on with his practice and schedule. I felt really great when we left and he was happy, kissing me etc. He said its hard for him to express his feelings, he’s complicated but was open to just letting things happen. I have given him advice on things, he said I had a lot of wisdom and appreciates it. He appreciates my patience with his schedule, loves what we we have, spending time with me, realizes he is not easy to date. He’s scared of another failed relationship, he knows he is closed and is trying to be more open with feelings. I explained I was happy the way things were, and to let's see where this goes as long as you’re open, it will progress, he agreed he is open. I drive him to his car, he starts making out with me passionately. I asked if we were going back to his place. He said I would love to, I want to be with you so much, but before I fall in love with you, I need to sort things out. I want to do this the right way and no I’m not getting back with my x-wife or x-girlfriend. I’m someone he can see himself with long-term so WHEN he calls, know that he will be ready to give me his all. I said what if I'm not available, he said that's the chance he has to take. So by saying that, he knows I'm not waiting. Neither of us have reached out since. I don't think he is getting back with his x, I honestly think he is torn between needing to be alone and starting another relationship which he is afraid of failing. I don't think he is a jerk either, not intentionally anyway. There is no question that he really liked me, none at all and no weird feelings that anything was wrong. Will he come back? It's been about 8 days. I can't get over this without closure or at least trying to reach out. I don't want to have regrets because I already regret not asking more questions but I was speechless. I want to send him a text in a few days to say "hey, how are you? I've been thinking about you" or even add, "I'm here if you want to talk." I thought waiting 2 weeks would give him some time to miss me then I would see what his response to my text is. Doing nothing is making it harder since I am in total shock. I also want him to know that I am not bitter and that the lines of communication are open. I know what he did was wrong, but I need to somehow understand it. If he doesn't respond to my text, then at least I have an answer. If he does, I guess it depends what he says. Any thoughts???
Zahara Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 - He called shortly after and said he wanted to spend more time with me, now is a good time to discuss our relationship since we haven't. - We agreed that we weren't seeing anyone else and agreed that's what we wanted, he asked for dinner on Monday. - Monday(8 days ago), we have dinner and a GREAT fun time, talked about a lot more in depth about what we were looking for, were both on the same page. - He was affectionate,no signs of hesitation. - I said you can’t move on if you’re still speaking to your xgf, he agreed and said I am going to change that. So, he went from indepth conversation about the relationship to he's not sure as soon as you mentioned the ex-gf? Hmm...I smell BS. Will he come back? It's been about 8 days. I can't get over this without closure or at least trying to reach out. I don't want to have regrets because I already regret not asking more questions but I was speechless. I want to send him a text in a few days to say "hey, how are you? I've been thinking about you" or even add, "I'm here if you want to talk." I thought waiting 2 weeks would give him some time to miss me then I would see what his response to my text is. I think there's something more going on with him. It's very odd that the conversation took a sudden turn. He told you that he would take the chance of losing you so that means you move on. That in itself should tell you that whatever he's trying to "figure out" weighs much heavier than the thought of losing you. Doing nothing is making it harder since I am in total shock. I also want him to know that I am not bitter and that the lines of communication are open. I know what he did was wrong, but I need to somehow understand it. If he doesn't respond to my text, then at least I have an answer. If he does, I guess it depends what he says. Any thoughts??? Don't chase a man that isn't chasing you.
Author bling3 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 He didn't say he was unsure when I brought up his xgf. I brought that up way before. What you wrote, is not the order in which I wrote it. You must have misread.
Zahara Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 - Monday(8 days ago), we have dinner and a GREAT fun time, talked about a lot more in depth about what we were looking for, were both on the same page. - He was affectionate,no signs of hesitation. - I said you can’t move on if you’re still speaking to your xgf, he agreed and said I am going to change that. I used the quote function and quoted what you wrote. That's the order you detailed in your post. He didn't say the words but there was no doubt that he became unsure about your relationship.
Author bling3 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 I fixed this part because I think it was confusing.......the conversation with the x was not towards the end, it was in the beginning and didn't have anything to do with him changing. We continued and spoke more about everything, wants needs etc. I left there thinking everything was perfect.
Zahara Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I fixed this part because I think it was confusing.......the conversation with the x was not towards the end, it was in the beginning and didn't have anything to do with him changing. We continued and spoke more about everything, wants needs etc. I left there thinking everything was perfect. Regardless, you both spoke in-depth about the relationship and for some reason he then stepped back and became unsure and is now taking the risk of losing you. This is a two month relationship. You really don't know him and what his true intentions are. Maybe he has unfinished business with his ex-partners. A red flag that he was already in a long term relationship even before his divorce was finalized. I'm not sure how long after that ended that he was in another long term relationship. Soon after that ended he started dating you. It doesn't seem like he even allows himself to completely detach and remove before bouncing to the next person. If someone told me that they will take the chance of losing me, that would indicate to me that they're letting me go. Don't contact him because it isn't your responsibility to win him over. Try to move on with your life and if he comes back you can decide from there. But don't chase him.
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 JMO, but I think if a man is willing to lose you, he's not that into you. 1
Neffer Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Just my read on this, I could be mistaken, but here it is: Something is fishy here; for all his "honesty" and openness it seems like there is information being withheld. I have the sneaking suspicion that he is actually involved with/talking to one of his exes. It just seems like there is another party involved here. That he was letting you down easy to see how things would progress with the other woman. I think he has left the door open to go back to you if things do not work out with the other party; he has left you hanging with no definitive answer on what you/your relationship is (or was). It seems like very selective honesty on his part. Manipulation. Something is hidden here. Be careful. I would leave it alone and look for another man who is able to be available to you. This relationship is very new and already there are major issues. I think you should assume its over Edited March 23, 2016 by Neffer 1
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Just my read on this, I could be mistaken, but here it is: Something is fishy here; for all his "honesty" and openness it seems like there is information being withheld. I have the sneaking suspicion that he is actually involved with/talking to one of his exes. It just seems like there is another party involved here. That he was letting you down easy to see how things would progress with the other woman. I think he has left the door open to go back to you if things do not work out with the other party; he has left you hanging with no definitive answer on what you/your relationship is (or was). It seems like very selective honesty on his part. Manipulation. Something is hidden here. Be careful. I would leave it alone and look for another man who is able to be available to you. This relationship is very new and already there are major issues. I think you should assume its over Bingo! Not just the bolded but the entire post. Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl
Recommended Posts