Please, advise: After 17 years my marriage ended

[Taurus1358]

I need advise, urgently. After 17 years my marriage ended, most of what happened was my fault, there was no infidelity nor abuse but there was a great

lack of maturity on my part.

 

We had a great time together, I was the one who wanted out thinking that the grass was greener on the other side ( BIG MISTAKE!!! ). In spite of having an amicable separation ( with kisses and all ) all of the sudden my ex decided that she

didn't want to communicate with me again, I visit her home because I raised her son and love him like my own, her mother was like my own and that is another reason why I drop by once in a while.

 

I accepted her decission not to see me or talk to me even though I can't find a logical reason for it ( she wanted to remain friends, in her home I was always going to have a family, etc, her words ). When I go by the house and she is there she doesn't come out of her room not even to say hello. I know she is not seing anyone even though it's been 1 1/2 years since we separated, we are now divorced.

 

My problem is that, even though I am dating I can't forget her, I found out that she is the only one I really want to spend my life with, I have met prettier and younger women, but I can't get her out of my head. I don't want to show up in her job without notice in order to talk to her, I don't want to impose myself, I don't want for her to think that I have no self esteem, therefore, I don't pursue her or do anything to crowd her. I have sent a few e-mails, but, never got a response.

 

Last Xmas I bought gifts for her, her mom and her son, she gave her gift to her mom. Everything seems to indicate that there is no chance, I signed up for the Yahoo personals and posted my profile in there, they sent me the information on the most compatible members, the one most compatible with me was her ( she had posted hers before me ).

 

If anyone has a formula, a solution, please, let me know I even accept tickets to move to another galaxy but I need to be able to put this feelings to rest

[samski3409]

man,sound like we're both feeling the hurt today! i'm not sure i have any ideas for you. you've tryed to contact her and let her know how you feel,that's all you can do i guess. if she got the emails she knows where you're at. just keep you head up. it has to get better!

[newbby]

perhaps she is just trying to deal with her feelings, have you ever communicated your regret to her?

you sound like you are trying too hard to control your own emotions in order to do the right thing, perhaps she would actually like for you to be passionate and tell her how much you love her.

in any case it might be worth a shot and if this fails at least you will know the truth of it and can deal accordingly.

[Taurus1358]

Samski;

 

Thank you for responding. Check this out, we live 3 blocks away from each other, she knows my address, I know hers. Last Thursday I was stuck in traffic coming to the office and she passed right next to me, her car had to stop in front of mine, I saw her fixing her hair up in the visor's mirror, she was right in front of me and I know she saw me.

 

One night around 6 months ago I was checking the Yahoo personals in she was online, I sent her a couple of IM, but she ignored me completely, then she blocked me and I couldn't IM anymore. If there is something I know for certain is that she loved me, at least during the time we were together. According to her she would have never asked me for a divorce, before I left she told me that I was taking a very big part of hers with me. Women are so complicated that I don't know what to think anymore, some women friends tell me that she does that because she hasn't been able to forget, others tell me that it's been too long to move on and forget, my problem is that I can't, even though I do not lack female company at all.

[Taurus1358]

Newbby;

 

Thank you for replying. I have sent her a couple of letters, the reason why I have not done any attempts in person is because I know how deep she is hurt, her mom tells me, her son tells me.

 

It could be a very big error to try any personal approach, maybe I am being too cautious, though. For reasons that I can't explain I have this feeling that makes me believe that we are not over, that there is something still there, maybe it is false hopes. For now I keep in touch with her mom, her son and some of our mutual friends, I have not received any indication that can substantiate any hopes but............

 

Soon we will have to see each other because of a family event and I hope I can take my chances then.

[samski3409]

i know what you mean! they can be so confusing!! i just got this email from my ex.(after NC for two weeks) and i was so down today,this only makes it worse! she dumped me BTw!

 

"i'm sure i could keep pretending it's not driving me crazy....but i'm done. are you alive?"

 

my replay

"yeah,i'm here. thanks for checking up."

 

then she rights this

 

"nutty thinking a lot about you. just missing you a lot. it's nothing new. i listened to all my saved voicemails from you a few times. that's pretty nutty, don't you think? i miss the s**t out of you. it's hurting a lot."

 

no freaking way i'm resonding to that!!!!!!!!!

[Taurus1358]

samski;

 

What kind of a game is she playing, dude? For what I see she is still is very much into you!!

 

I may not be right but I would invite her out and see what happens, I am not saying to try to win her back, but I would try to see if I can get her horizontal if you catch my meaning. One thing I must tell you, do not show your pain, don't give her the pleasure to see what you are going through, be cool, like if you have not been affected, that will intrigue the crap out of her and she would want to find out more. maybe if you go out with her without any strings attached things could be back to normal before you expect it. My ex hasn't even tried to send me smoke signals much less calling or asking about me

[lindya]

From anyone's perspective, 17 years is a big chunk of your life to give to someone. It must have been very hard for her to hear that you wanted to throw it all away in order to explore the green grass on the other side. She's probably decided that it's too much of a betrayal for her to ever be able to trust you again.

 

You say that you thought she wanted to stay friends. She may have said that initially because she was in shock, and focusing purely on trying to sound reasonable. Following trauma people can seem as if they're handling things very calmly and reasonable, when really they're just on autopilot. I wouldn't, therefore, set much store by anything she said immediately after the break up.

 

You could try writing her one last letter telling her that you still love her, realise how much damage you must have caused, and would be willing to go for joint counselling with her if she were willing to give you another chance. If she ignores that then I guess you just have to accept that sometimes there are no second chances, and it's time to put this behind you and get on with the rest of your life.

[Taurus1358]

Lindya;

 

Thank you for your reply. I must tell you that I never told her that I wanted a divorce because of " the green grass", I would have never done that.

 

The reason for me asking was much more complex and deep, I got into drugs, for almost 2 years I was using almost $500.00 a week end ( never during the week )

while I was under the influence of cocaine our intimacy was out of the normal cycle, then I saw the light and quit but for 8 months after I didn't have any desire, she tried to estimulate me but I couldn't reach that point, during that period I got news of my sister being diagnosed with brain cancer, that destroyed me more.

 

I couldn't think straight, I thought I was hurting her by not being with her, I thought I didn't like her anymore, I thought I was nuts, I went to therapy, I was put under Zoloft for depression, so many things happened that all I could think of was to end it all, and that is what I did.

 

A few months after leaving I regained control of all my functions, physically and spiritually, my sister died, I have no more family alive, then, I started going out, meeting women, getting back into who I really was, and, last but not least, I realized that my ex was what I always wanted, I had it in front of me but failed to

see it. That is the whole truth, for my shame and my pain

[lindya]

That certainly sheds a different light on it Taurus. Your original post didn't give an indication of just how difficult a time you were having in the lead up to the separation.

 

Two people can miss eachother dreadfully, get back together and split up in a very short time again when old problems start to resurface. Why? All sorts of reasons. One might be that when you initially get back together with someone you're often so happy and relieved, so focused on trying to make everything perfect, that there's no discussion of why it all went wrong before - and what effect that had on you both.

 

You and your wife have both been through a very trying time. The trust's probably disappeared completely, and been replaced by a lot of hurt and anger. There are people on these boards who have managed to turn such situations around by talking things through, learning new things about eachother and actually improving their relationships as a result - but, of course, it takes both people to want to do that.

 

As to what you should do here, I'd stand by my original advice - ie let her know you want the relationship back, and are serious enough about this to undergo counselling (individual as well as joint might be useful, given some of the things you've gone through in the past couple of years).

 

Good luck.

[Taurus1358]

Lindya;

 

Thank you for the advice, I am willing to show her my vulnerability and to risk

everything to establish a communication line with her, honestly, I don't know if it

will work because she is the type of person that when some gets written off her

life there will never be a second chance, I know this very well.

 

Because of life today I might be able to get through, we are both mature enough and smart enough to realize what a risk it is to be out there, I am alone, anything

I do won't affect anyone else, but she lives with her mother and her son and anything negative will affect them both. Most of my lady friends are always complaining about how bad it is out there and how difficult it is to find someone willing to settle. I just want that, to settle, to feel complete, whole again, the way

I felt when I was married to her, before the ordeal.

 

I have had many signs from God, so clear and unbelievable that regardless of anything I can't deny Him, and I was an atheist!!!! I will trust in Him and go for it,

in any case if it is meant to be it will be