Other women [affair participants]...I need your ...[why's]

[daisygirl19]

Be it right or wrong, maybe they thought they liked or loved you enough to take whatever pieces you were willing to offer...

[William]

Folks, I noted some postings which were decidedly inflammatory and decidedly not offered by the demographic requested in the opening post so will remind members that our guidelines of individual and group berating always apply and to focus on the topic. I'll alert on this directive so the other moderators can take a look and offer their perspectives and clean things up as appropriate. Thanks!

[imperfectangel]

LadyJane - Your response is appreciated and well thought out. The problem is, what you describe is simply not true in my case and many of the others that I speak to.

Emotional immaturity, covering for something else, mid life crisis, etc. They are tried and true responses. The problem is, just repeating and assuming they must be true hides from the real truth.

Consider the perfect family man, who happens to enjoy skydiving. Is he also a victim of emotional immaturity, mid life crisis, etc? He puts his life at risk every time he slaps on the parachute and jumps. He puts the happiness of his family at great peril each time he jumps. Very different and yet very much the same.

Just because you repeat what has been said many times before doesn't make it true in every case.

But I do very much appreciate your input. Keep it coming.

 

 

But if you went ski diving you'd let your wife know that right? You'd discuss it. Probably reassure her. Yes it's a risk but so is getting in your car every day. You're comparing apples and oranges

[Almond_Joy]

Amazed by the response I am getting to my original thread. Clearly it brings out the passion and anger in many.

I can't respond to everyone and the thread went off on some tangents, but there were some themes that emerged about the OW and the MM that are worth commenting on.

 

First,and for some context, I know a number of other men who do exactly the same thing as I do, so they are a good way to level set for me.

 

There were a number of comments in the thread that stated the MM's have the A's clearly shared some of the following characteristics:

Broken, low self esteem, under achievers, anxiety filled, lacking in confidence, etc.

While I am sure this is true of some - it just doesn't hold water with my peer group. By in large , these guys are high achieving, confident, successful, good fathers, highly respected, physically fit, blah blah blah..

The stereotype just doesn't jive with what I am seeing here.

Also, not one of them ever bad mouths their wives or marriage. Those who were truly unhappy got out a long time ago.

 

Secondly, the most salient point of my original question / post has not really been answered (although a few took a shot at it).

There has been a lot of response around why the OW eventually leaves, why and how she quickly develops feelings, etc - all good insight.

And there was great insight when both participants in the A are married - that one seems obvious.

 

The big question that no one has really nailed...

 

Why would a beautiful, sexy, intelligent, confident, never abused, successful, highly sought after, never married, experienced, early 30's woman knowingly enter into an A with a MM?

 

My final thoughts, everyone keeps asking why guys like me keep doing what we do if we don't plan to leave our marriages and have no real complaints about the marriage...right? you keep asking that.

 

Well when I talk to my peers about this - we all, independently, come up with a variation of the same theme....

You won't like it...but its the truth...

Because over achievers and success breeds confidence and a desire to maximize every minute of every day. Not only is this massively attractive to the opposite sex (whether they admit it or not), but it has a compounding effect on almost every aspect of one's life.

Think of it like this....you can go to a great restaurant and order an amazing steak. If all you had was the steak that night, you would thoroughly enjoy it all on its own. But instead of just ordering the steak, you also order the best red wine to go with it. Does it mean you think less of the steak? Not a chance. Does the wine make what was already going to be a great experience even better, yes it does. Its about maximizing every minute of every day and getting the most out of every experience. Thats why we do it.

 

Not one of my peer group ever lie to the AP about their status - ever. They are completely above board. There has never been a D Day and drama has been at a minimum.

 

I think back to how my last A began (the 9 month one). We met at a business conference. Chatted for about an hour. Laughed and had a drink surrounded by a pretty large crowd of colleagues. No more than 90 minutes into the conversation she straight up asks me what my "situation" is. I said, I am married. She recoils a little, disappears for about 30 minutes. I figure that's the end of the conversation even though the conversation was pleasant, basic stuff, a few laughs and zero indication from me that I was interested in anything more.

45 minutes later she is back and starts talking to me again. Kept telling me that she has a strict no MM policy (attractive woman, 32 yr old, hugely successful, accomplished speaker, already top of her field, gets hit on constantly). I say..." I totally understand. Enjoyed talking to you. Enjoy the rest of the event" Done, right? Nope. Back she came again. Completely pursued me. Had a great nine months together. She moved to another city. Ended amicably.

Thats why we do it. Because had she not come back, I would have been more than happy at home living my life with my wife and family. Instead I maximized that 9 months and made a great thing even better. Steak and wine.

Ok...bring on the nastiness. But don't discount the honesty.

I realize many are not in the same boat, but for me and my peer group - this is our reality.

 

OK....so instead of you and random woman, it's your wife being approached by a man similar to yourself. Successful, attractive, intelligent. He's single and taken with your wife. Your wife tells him she's married; he is initially reluctant but ultimately decides to pursue your wife. Your wife, as you did above, didn't offer to initiate an affair but also didn't refuse to engage in one.

 

Hypothetically speaking, let's say she's had this situation occur several times over the past years. She's engaged in multiple affairs at this point.

 

If you were to find all this out about her today, this news wouldn't bother you a bit, right?

 

Because following your logic, her actions are not a devaluation of you or your marriage in any way. The security of your marriage is not compromised by her actions here, and you are both emotionally and physically fulfilled in the marriage, so all is well. She was offered some icing on her cake, so she accepted it. That's all any of these affairs were - just extra on top of what's already good. It's there for the taking, she'll enjoy it...why not?

 

It would be extremely surprising, to me, if you had a problem or felt anything negative emotionally about your wife seeing other men.

[Tread Carefully]

Wow. I just read your other thread. You sound like two different people in your threads. I'm not trying to bash you but I'm super curious as to which thread portrays the real you?

 

I'm asking because we might be able to help you better if we knew.

[elaine567]

Wow. I just read your other thread. You sound like two different people in your threads. I'm not trying to bash you but I'm super curious as to which thread portrays the real you?

 

I'm asking because we might be able to help you better if we knew.

 

 

Good point.

I am divorced - college age kids, financially strong, living life, etc etc.

 

 

I am married 49 yr old, successful man who has had 3 separate A's.

[Almond_Joy]

Based on Elaine567's last post, seems there's some dissembling on your part Mr. OP.

 

If you're truly legally divorced, why start this post saying you're married? Did you throw that in as a monkey wrench to get posters in a tizzy? If so, why?

 

If you are still legally married, why did you say in the other thread that you're divorced? Did you mean divorce in a metaphorical/emotional sense vs. legal? If you did, that also flies in the face of what you've been saying in this thread which is that you're in a fulfilling marriage...

 

This conversation has been/still is interesting, but I don't think you had to distort portions of your experience to get the conversation on this track. That distortion compromises the credibility of the conviction in your perspective that you display on this thread.