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Other women [affair participants]...I need your ...[why's]

PTL349

By PTL349
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sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
The answer to your question of why cannot be answered here. Since none of knows the three women you were involved with, it could be any number of reasons. A few come to mind:

 

Insecure

Commitment phobic

Glutton for punishment

Physical without the doldrums of living with you full time

Boredom

Financial reasons

Thrills

Competition

 

Who knows. Why didn't you ask them if it's such a burning question?

 

The better question might be; why are you a serial cheater?

 

I think it's a fair question from the OP actually.. and he's here asking those who have been in a similar situation. ... knowing that the man was married from the beginning and then wanting more.

 

His three OW could be any of the OW here who make that choice to have an affair with a MM.

 

 

OP .... I do have to ask.. you say they knew you were married and I believe that's the case... but did you pursue and woe them?

 

Did your actions show that you thought they were so special?

 

That your life at home was not great and they made you so happy?

 

Did you talk negatively about your wife and make the OW feel she was better than your wife?

 

Or indicate verbally or otherwise that you felt controlled /trapped in the marriage and would leave if you could?

 

I ask these questions not as an OW..... but in hearing OW say that the MM infered these things and quite a consistent one is bad mouthing his wife.... to the point that the OW sees her as an obstacle to get 'her man'

 

One OW recently sent a FB message to the teenage child of her MM... introducing herself as dad's GF... then saying she should tell her mother to step aside so she and MM could be happy.

 

So in some cases these OW are deluded... but you need to be honest about what you said and did to make them get in an affair to begin with... like playing the sympathy card about how unhappy you in the marriage /wife doesn't understand you /no sex .... did you say these things?

 

You may not have.. but many do and the OWs thinking (from what they tell me) .. is that..if you're truly so unhappy and they are giving you a good time ... why would you not leave the terrible marriage.

 

Most think that a MM seeking an affair isn't happily married ... I'm sure you didn't approach them saying you were happily married..but just love the high of a new relationship and they would never be anything other than your mistress..... did you ? Highly unlikely ... because you wouldn't get into her panties saying that.

  • Like 5
spouse2016 Member

spouse2016

Posted
Posted
Hello all,

 

All knew that I was married from the very beginning - never any deceit.

I never promised a future with any of them.

 

May be that is true... but your spouse was deceived and her trust was breached.

 

Would you work for a competitor of your employer as easily?

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

I'm glad for this thread, cuz I'm tired of people thinking I havea "pattern" of seeking out MMs ONLY...and that I might have some silly like competition thing with BSs.

 

I do it cuz I'm a busy woman and have "needs" (mostly sexual) that FWBs, ONS, and/or casual hook-ups aren't going to fill.

 

Right now I've been trying to make time to see one dude and the times he's available isn't jelling with mine. Another, I wanna get the ball rolling on us, but I'm too busy to chat him up. I'm gonna try before this week ends cuz I'm horny right now and don't want the window that opened up to close.

 

That's what happens to me a lot, I get busy and the guys in a RL with me wanna call/see me like every day and I don't have time for that. I treat my men well (sex, cooking, etc.) but I just keep them at a distance.

 

Yes, I have issues with intimacy. A MM, don't have to worry about him wanting more cuz he's got wifey and the kids at home to fill what he doesn't have with me. But unlike a FWB single guy who uses FWB to have as many women he wants and will drop you at anytime, IMO, the MM needs you more cuz unless he's a dog, he just wants attention, sex, and/or affection that he's not getting at home and isn't chasing boooty like a single guy.

 

My 6yr guy wasn't married, but you could consider them like those people who, I forgot the term, but cuz they live togetherwould be like civily married?

 

It worked out great cuz we were neighbors, could meet up almost whenever. Yeah, there were times he wanted me and I wanted him but our schedules didn't allow. I was busy with school, work, etc. I wasn't looking to settle and he scratched my "itch".

 

No jealousy on my end and/or DDay cuz I liked his wife and as long as he met "my" needs, I didn't care how in love he was with her, time spent with her, etc. She and I also had a lot in common. Graduated tops in the same high school (me on brains, her a beauty queen), we were also professionals and hard butt working independent women. I picked up some fashion sense from her.

 

We broke up cuz I left that country to join the Army...not cuz I was in looooove and he wouldn't leave her. Actually, although we had a lot in common, the sex was great, I wouldn'twant something serious with him and I moved on without barely any pain/issues.

 

But I do miss him in the sense that dating Americans - worse Caucasian men - sucks for me. My 6yr guy looked like Justin Guarini, the kid from American Idol. He had beautiful greenish eyes, skin like mine, curly reddish hair. We were both mixed with Black, Hispanic, and Caucasian.

 

Guys since him? Sex isn't as good, they are so insecure, and I still can't set up an "arrangement" with a guy (single or married ) that I had with him. It's like FWB, you are treated like a jizz dumpster. You're disrespected. Guys who want relationships think I need to be with them all the time when I have my life and don't need to see them all the time.

 

My last FWB was married and I had cold feet at first. He didn't lie, he upfront said he was married, sexually and emotionally frustrated. The sex was also very good. I didn't have a Dday, but I think I was his "exit affair". A decade with the Ice Queen and no kids was wearing him down. We barely lasted a year and I wasn't in looooove with him. What pissed me off and got me telling him to make up his mind was that he'd complain about her. And I'm like, why stay if you have nonkids? And yes, it pissed me off that I was pleasing him, treating him well and all he was worried about is his poor wounded puppy - the wife....when all she was is a manipulative witch who took out her childhood abuse out on my FWB.

 

So, sorry for the long rant, but as a OW - who recently was trying to get with my married neighbor (where I thought I could set up a mutually beneficial "arrangement")...I seek/sought out MMs not cuz I'm out trying to break up homes, compete with other women, etc...It's cuz I'm an independent woman, who has her own stuff, isn't looking for kids and/or financial/emotional support, BUT, has an "itch" that sleeping around isn't gonna scratch.

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

PS...

 

I don't want the MMs to leave their situations for me. Actually, if/when they're having issues with the wifey, I'm the first to recommend this or that to work on the marriage.

 

So, while some people don't "get" where I'm coming from, I don't see myself as destroying any homes and/or causing pain cuz all I'm doing is "borrowing" the MM and returning him...quite frankly, after I'm done with him it's like his batteries have been charged and he can bring more to the marriage.

 

Like my neighbor. I'm not even bonking him and he's made a lot of positive changes in himself that have helped his marriage, IMO. If wifey's recent nasty stares are at me it's cuz he's not cool/slick enough to cover his obsessing over me and she's picked up on it. That's not my fault, that's all in him. Some MM know how to keep their tracks covered.

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted (edited)

Many women think "he must be unhappily married or he wouldn't cheat". So although you don't promise anything, they hope you'll eventually leave your marriage.

 

On the contrary, it seems that many cheating men feel that their marriage is constant and unchangeable. Even if there are problems or issues in the marriage, cheating men don't think "I want to replace my wife". They look for a woman to supplement their marriage. They have no desire to start over. Most women don't think that way, so it's hard for them to understand that thought process.

 

For many women, love and relationships are a very significant part of their lives. For them, love is important enough to make changes for. They project these feelings onto you, assuming that you place a similar value on love. They hope that the relationship will be important enough to you that you'll leave your marriage.

 

 

Honestly, I rode them out until they decided it was time to end it.

 

This is what I wish most OW understood. A MM will happily take what an OW is willing to give, for as long as they are willing to give it.

 

This is why I feel like you didn't truly love the other women. You loved the excitement and the feelings that they inspired in you. But did you really have OWs best interests at heart? If so, would you really "ride them out" for as long as they are willing?

 

If you sense they are in love with you and want you to leave, aren't you exploiting that hope and using them? If you know you can never provide them with what they need and deserve, why not set them free?

 

Instead, you think "Welp, I told her I wasn't leaving, so she knew what the deal was". That's not the words of someone who loves an OW. Those are the words of someone who doesn't really care about a person's emotional well being.

 

Regarding ending the affair, many OW often hope that stopping the affair will prompt MM to realize "OW is who I really want to be with and I need to divorce". They believe in their love, and hope the MM will follow their hearts. The unfortunate reality is that the MM will accept the OW back, but just for more affair. If OW is finally tired of that role, he'll just say "Oh, well, I guess she's finally had enough" and look for a replacement OW. Because as you so clearly illustrate, for a MM, the wife role is constant, but the OW role can be interchangeable.

 

When you genuinely love someone, it's not about what they can do for you. It's genuinely caring about a person's well being. It's loving that person for their personality. It's admiring their individual traits. It's connecting to them emotionally. It's not simply loving them for the role they play in your life.

Edited by Quiet Storm
  • Like 6
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
I asked this twice he didn't answer for some reason

 

Its not about him being judged....The way its read, he's only asking why women knowingly enter and pursue married men...then cry foul when it doesnt work out....Legitimate question...

 

 

Its like picking up a rattlesnake, then crying that they get bitten...

 

TFY.

Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted

What I don't understand is...if you are happily married...if you love your wife....why have you have been in constant outside relationships? Why wouldn't you just divorce...and live life as a single man? Wouldn't it be so much less complicated?

 

You obviously don't want problems which is why you are here complaining about the other women you have had in your life. You ask questions that sound very judgmental and condescending to them...like THEY have the issues...not you.

 

Have you been honest with yourself...that maybe YOU are the problem...maybe you are the one who is damaged rather than the other women.

 

I think the least you could do is tell your wife what you have done all these years and give her the option to be in an open marriage or get out. It really is unfair to continue to live the way you are at her expense...emotionally, physically, mentally, financially...etc.

 

At least you tell the other women you are married and they know they have to share you.....i think you owe your wife the same courtesy.

  • Like 3
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted
You are correct in that I absolutely said to myself, I am in love with this person. Really in love. We spoke about possible scenarios, but never in a way that ended in them saying" what about your promise to leave your wife", etc. I was careful to NOT commit or even remotely promise anything.

 

When men talk like this, most women take it as a sign he's wanting this future. Even if you didn't promise anything per se they took it as a sign that you were thinking about it WITH THEM.

 

I haven't been a long time OW but I was in a relationship with someone who had issues attaching emotionally to me so I imagine it's very similar. It was fine in the beginning as I was out of a relationship not yet ready to date but enjoying the attention. As time went on I wanted to know he felt the same, looked for little signs of it, and I wanted more than he could give me so I had to end it.

  • Like 2
Noideanow Established Member

Noideanow

Posted
Posted

I dont think you Were in love with nr 1 why could you Then just move on from her and Fall in love with nr 2?

I think you shall begin to focus on yourself and what you want out of your life, your 49 and let love slip away twice, do you believe you Will get more chances? It seems you have been a lucky man but you have let it slip through your fingers:cool: either that or you were never truly in love:o just confusing what you write, your feelings and your actions contradict, and it seems your toying with your Own and the womens emotions not knowing deep in your heart what you want:o

The woman go into the relationship with you because they watch you and see you falling in love with them (marriage is a thing of the past, because right now your with them and therefore showing that your marriage is meaningless), and therefore trust that things Will move the Way love intended Them to:love: which they allways do in time i think:confused: Therefore i dont think you were truly in love or the two woman were truly in love:confused:?:o since you no longer are?

  • Author
PTL349 Member

PTL349

Posted
  • Author
Posted

First off -

Thanks everyone for engaging in the discussion.

I expected some blow back, I am fine with it and it's fair, although not what I came here for.

 

Let me add some additional info / clarity to hopefully shed some light and keep the conversation going.

 

First - a number of responses have asked why I am a "Serial Cheater"...

My best response to this is, the answer to that question is not why I am here.

The shortest answer, though, has already been stated - " I am addicted to the rush and the high of a new relationship" -

 

There were also a lot of questions about how I spoke about my wife to the OW's -

Here is what I never did / said - ever:

Bad mouthed her or my marriage.

Never said I was lacking anything at home

When asked why I wanted to be with them vs at home with my wife - I essentially gave the same truth I listed here - "I love the the way it makes me feel"..

 

Also - My overall question was not whey did all the OW eventually end it - I know why they ended it.

What I wanted to know is what they are thinking when they go in (even with full knowledge)

 

I also got asked - did I pursue and woo them. In some cases, yes - in others it developed from a previous friendship.

 

There have been a lot of great insight here so far...would love to hear more.

 

Will also try to answer where and when I can.

  • Author
PTL349 Member

PTL349

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Exactly.

 

I know why I do what I do - I am trying to get in the heads of those who do it with me.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted
Why do they get involved to begin with? Well, let's see. Because it's exciting when you're being chased. It's intoxicating to feel so desired and wanted. The thrill of having the forbidden is addictive. The bliss and butterflies in the beginning is heady and keeps you coming back for more. The adrenaline rush that comes with the thoughts of "are we going to get caught?" and "we got away with it!". The chemistry, the totally off the charts funky monkey anything goes sex. Feels so good you just want it more often. The fun of the person that is on your mind at night as you fall asleep and first thing in the morning when you wake up. The ego strokes that come with dressing up, teasing and seduction. The bigger ego strokes of being complimented and cherished and needed.

 

 

Why do the other women get involved? I don't know..... but I just described why you do.

 

 

Why do you stay with your wife?

 

I think all those reasons you mentioned apply to the OW as well... being chased.. complemented .... love bombed. .. forbidden fruit in having another woman's husband.

 

The OP is happy having a wife and OW.... there's not really any question about that.. it's about why the OW get involved with him as a MM.

 

OP .... what may seem like fun for a few months or so .... can soon get unfugilling when you know it's going nowhere.

 

Do you really expect them to be lifelong OW to you? To give up having kids and have a BF they have to sneak around with forever?

 

I think what happens... is they finally wake up and realise life is passing by.. Women often think they can change a man .. ..married or single.. so in their minds if the MM is so so happy when he's with her. . He should leave his wife. They expect it.

 

I was reading a purely 'other woman' forum. ... and honestly..... so many of them seem like lost souls. So despite you saying they are confident..independent career woman.... if she had all round confidence... I question that she'd be a mistress st all ... never mind for years... accepting stolen moments and having to hide the relationship like a kid living at home.

 

If they were THAT confident... they'd have a man to call their own and wouldn't accept the crumbs the MM throws their way.

  • Like 4
imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

Posted
Posted (edited)
Exactly.

 

I know why I do what I do - I am trying to get in the heads of those who do it with me.

 

 

 

For me my mm was someone I've known for YEARS. Many times I thought we were on the same page (to be together) but he was living a life completely separate to me. I was a supplement and I didn't even know it. I thought he felt the same but I guess not.

 

As far as I can tell from what I've read here most OW assume mm is not happy with their wives - otherwise why are they cheating? I think most ow expect the end game to be a full blown relationship whether that be in a matter of months or years when his kids have grown.

 

Most women cannot separate love from sex. That's biology. It doesn't change because it's within a affair

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
  • Like 1
LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

Posted
Posted

To your original post:

 

Not an OW but think this is a possibility.

 

Maybe when they first began the A they didn't consider you marriage material so thought they could play around with you and not get burned.

 

But the bonding hormones (which they didn't figure in at the beginning) released during intimacy did nature's job and they found themselves wanting to make what was happening naturally, legal.

 

They're probably over it by now since the hormones are out of their systems.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

Posted
Posted (edited)
First off -

Thanks everyone for engaging in the discussion.

I expected some blow back, I am fine with it and it's fair, although not what I came here for.

 

Let me add some additional info / clarity to hopefully shed some light and keep the conversation going.

 

 

 

 

What I wanted to know is what they are thinking when they go in (even with full knowledge)

 

I also got asked - did I pursue and woo them. In some cases, yes - in others it developed from a previous friendship.

 

.

 

Maybe they really WEREN'T THINKING and got lost in the enjoyment of you pursuing and the complements.

 

Perhaps they've not had guys pursue them like that .... after all they were single right?

 

Perhaps they thought if you were a friend as you stated.. you wouldn't mess with their emotions and use them.

 

Another one I've heard is ...... that "he really must think /feel a lot for me / or love me if he's willing to risk his marriage by having an affair with me". Because he wouldn't risk it all if I wasn't special.

 

Then in their mind.. they are hoping you'll change your tune and that you both could have a future.

 

It's similar to meeting a single guy who says he doesn't want to get married or have kids... but some women will play it cool.. like it doesn't bother them ... when they know they want marriage /kids at some point. Then you hope that after he gets to know you really well.. and falls in love.. that he'll change his tune ... but he doesn't ... then after years you walk away realising that any hopes of marriage and kids with this guy ain't happening.

 

So you (girl) end the relationship and tell him why...... his response?. "I told you I never wanted to get married or have kids from the beginning".

 

Women tend to live in eternal hope.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T
  • Like 2
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted (edited)

Ok, maybe the MMs aren't "unhappy" per se...

 

My fav podcaster articulated what I believed about my neighbor for the longest (and many cheating MM) is that they don't love the OW nor their wife...each woman fulfills a "role, want, need" of his.

 

The wife is the "family", the kids, and apple pie, cozy couches....the "home". Also, how he fits in with society, the world, family and friends to show that he's got a family tooo.

 

The OW is desire, sex, excitement...shoot, the OW may be non of those..maybe she's the woman he has more in common with.

 

Some men are fortunate to have gotten the "whole" package. Their wife is their friend, lover, mother of his kids. But some women simply aren't all that. I can sit here and compare/contrast myself and other women all day.

 

Thing is, some married men with women who fall short make up their mind and "accept" who they chose...some don't. They want it all. Can't have it all cuz then you're hurting two women. Accept what you have and stop chasing other women or leave your wife and go meet the woman of your dreams.

 

So, the MM may not be unhappy with wifey, but she sure isn't meeting needs, wants, and/or desires he has. So, instead of leaving wifey, MM wants his cake and eat it too.

 

So no, guys who wanna play both women aren't in love with either, all they want is it like Burger King.

 

BTW, the call my favorite podcaster took was on two women in a marriage. One of the women was upset cuz they have been together for like 20 years and her wife will not give up a EA that's been going in for years...

 

And, while many women think they can make the MM leave the wife, I believe in what I posted above - which is, some men want both the wife and OW cuz they "both" fill a role for him...Doesn't mean that he loves them. That's why you don't see me trying to break up any homes...I know what the "roles" are.

Edited by Gloria25
  • Like 6
ladydesigner Established Member

ladydesigner

Posted
Posted
Ok, maybe the MMs aren't "unhappy" per se...

 

My fav podcaster articulated what I believed about my neighbor for the longest (and many cheating MM) is that they don't love the OW nor their wife...each woman fulfills a "role, want, need" of his.

 

The wife is the "family", the kids, and apple pie, cozy couches....the "home". Also, how he fits in with society, the world, family and friends to show that he's got a family tooo.

 

The OW is desire, sex, excitement...shoot, the OW may be non of those..maybe she's the woman he has more in common with.

 

Some men are fortunate to have gotten the "whole" package. Their wife is their friend, lover, mother of his kids. But some women simply aren't all that. I can sit here and compare/contrast myself and other women all day.

 

Thing is, some married men with women who fall short make up their mind and "accept" who they chose...some don't. They want it all. Can't have it all cuz then you're hurting two women. Accept what you have and stop chasing other women or leave your wife and go meet the woman of your dreams.

 

So, the MM may not be unhappy with wifey, but she sure isn't meeting needs, wants, and/or desires he has. So, instead of leaving wifey, MM wants his cake and eat it too.

 

So no, guys who wanna play both women aren't in love with either, all they want is it like Burger King.

 

BTW, the call my favorite podcaster took was on two women in a marriage. One of the women was upset cuz they have been together for like 20 years and her wife will not give up a EA that's been going in for years...

 

And, while many women think they can make the MM leave the wife, I believe in what I posted above - which is, some men want both the wife and OW cuz they "both" fill a role for him...Doesn't mean that he loves them. That's why you don't see me trying to break up any homes...I know what the "roles" are.

 

I actually have to agree with this post, but the thing is not one person on earth is the 'whole package' so I can see why this would fuel an A. I have not met one man that has been the 'whole package' for me they always come up short in one area or another but not enough to end a relationship over. Honestly in my own M my WH does not love me or the MOW he loves himself the most.:sick:

  • Like 3
Tread Carefully Established Member

Tread Carefully

Posted
Posted
I think all those reasons you mentioned apply to the OW as well... being chased.. complemented .... love bombed. .. forbidden fruit in having another woman's husband.

 

I completely agree that this is what happens with some OW. Why can't the OP see that his OW might have started these affairs because they felt the exact same way as he did, as listed in my post?

 

They knew full well going in that he was married. They liked the drama, the challenge and being made to feel special. Just like he does.

 

The OP and the first two OW fell in love with it all. The only difference between the OP and the OW is that the ladies allowed themselves to feel that tricky thing called Hope. And it was crushed. The wayward is the only one that ever knows the total truth of the relationship.

  • Like 2
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
There is no doubt that I am classic in many ways. Not disputing it.

I did fall in love with the first two. Breakups were difficult, but luckily drama free.

 

May I ask? Why not just stay single and date whomever when you want? Why did you get married if you can't stay faithful to your wife?

 

Not only are you having affairs but you're also allowing yourself to fall in love with other women. Again, why even bother continuing a marriage since you can't love your wife and stay faithful to her?

 

When your wife finds out, there's gonna be A LOT of drama.

  • Like 2
Almond_Joy Established Member

Almond_Joy

Posted
Posted
First off -

Thanks everyone for engaging in the discussion.

I expected some blow back, I am fine with it and it's fair, although not what I came here for.

 

Let me add some additional info / clarity to hopefully shed some light and keep the conversation going.

 

First - a number of responses have asked why I am a "Serial Cheater"...

My best response to this is, the answer to that question is not why I am here.

The shortest answer, though, has already been stated - " I am addicted to the rush and the high of a new relationship" -

 

There were also a lot of questions about how I spoke about my wife to the OW's -

Here is what I never did / said - ever:

Bad mouthed her or my marriage.

Never said I was lacking anything at home

When asked why I wanted to be with them vs at home with my wife - I essentially gave the same truth I listed here - "I love the the way it makes me feel"..

 

Also - My overall question was not whey did all the OW eventually end it - I know why they ended it.

What I wanted to know is what they are thinking when they go in (even with full knowledge)

 

I also got asked - did I pursue and woo them. In some cases, yes - in others it developed from a previous friendship.

 

There have been a lot of great insight here so far...would love to hear more.

 

Will also try to answer where and when I can.

 

 

I have to agree with Gloria and a lot of the other posters here. I think that a lot of women who enter into an affair are looking to fill a role, for something that they want/need in their life. Both sexes often have to change to make a monogamous relationship last a lifetime. Some people don't want to make those changes, but they want to feel cherished/desired by someone. We all want that. If they can get the love without all the frustration of a monogamous relationship and no drama, well OK then.

 

I'm also pretty sure 99% of these women are fully convinced that the intimate activities they do with an affair partner will not compromise their emotional detachment. I think it's foolish for people of either sex to operate as though they are impervious to the influence of other people on them.

 

I'm in the US, this culture's all about independence, impervious individuality and self identification. You're told to let what others say and think about you roll off your back with never a by your leave. But (I can only speak as a woman) when you give something of yourself to another person, that person is with you always in a way. The experiences you have with them you will remember and learn from and react to (consciously or subconsciously) for the rest of your life whether you choose to believe it or not.

 

So for a woman to enter into an intimate relationship and believe they can stay emotionally detached seems foolish to me. But OP, to answer your question, I think this is what many women do. That speaks more to them becoming upset you won't commit later.

 

As for the initial agreement to engage in an affair, I would also think a common train of reasoning is that because you're married, there should be no permanence to what they're doing, saying, or feeling. So what if they know they're gonna want more in a few years. You want to fawn over them now. They want to be fawned over now....that's all that matters. Whatever comes later will be dealt with when they get there. Women can be impulsive and shortsighted too lol.

  • Like 3
oceansaway Established Member

oceansaway

Posted
Posted

Some women enjoy their independence. Not looking to get bogged down with a relationship. They enjoy the wining and dining and freedom to date whomever because your married. However at some point the fun comes to a end and they move on. I've done it

ChickiePops Established Member

ChickiePops

Posted
Posted

Why not just try Ashley Madison or some other similar site for like-minded people? At least that way you'd stop hurting people besides your wife and children...

SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

A perspective:

 

Before I give it, let me just say that I'm not a woman so I couldn't possibly know what they're thinking.

 

But ....

 

Most married men are Beta male provider types. They know you're providing for another woman and - if the stars and moon align just right - hope to land one of those good Beta male providers for themselves. Maybe you.

 

They may not verbalize it or even consciously think it, but I suspect that is at least a small part of the motivation.

 

In addition to the headiness and flattery of being desired and pursued, the great sex and other highs of a love affair.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted (edited)
Hello all,

Hoping to get some insight into the mind of the OW.

I am married 49 yr old, successful man who has had 3 separate A's.

All were with women in their early to mid 30's.

All knew that I was married from the very beginning - never any deceit.

I never promised a future with any of them.

One lasted almost 4 years

One lasted 3.5 years

The latest one lasted officially for about 9 months (but some of it was long distance due to her moving to another city mid way )

All were great experiences

Never a D - Day with any of them.

 

So here is where I need the insight:

 

When each one of them ended, it was always some variation of them ending it because there was no future and getting "mad" at me for being married.

There we no big fights. No dramatic endings for the most part. I know I was pretty luck. These were all great. The women were amazing. We spend a lot of time together. Great conversations. Great sex. Great everything.

 

Why do women enter into these types of relationships in the first place. I know I am lucky that none ended with too much drama or a big D Day, etc.

I struggle at the end to respond to the "You're married" anger that comes from them - they knew it all along.

 

Help me understand what the thought process is. Please.

 

With that, I also ask that you refrain from the judgement part of it. That has been well documented. Just hoping for some real insight.

 

Many thanks.

 

They are about as angry as you are (that it ended).

 

If they are single, they want to move on to a real relationship with someone available. This is not rocket science.

Edited by Popsicle
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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
Understood and agree for the most part. But my original question still stands....why do the women enter in to these relationships in the first place.

Do they go in thinking something will change?

Do they go in thinking it will just be fun for a while and then plan to bail?

Why do early 30's, successful, attractive, smart women get involved in these?

 

They go into it in the first place because they are not thinking AT ALL.

 

It would probably last like this forever (and does when they start out with single men) but something else kicks in when they repeatedly feel like something's wrong and it's not going away (hint: it's because he's married). That's when they realize that being in an A isn't making them happy and they need to just end it.

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