Other women [affair participants]...I need your ...[why's]

March 23, 2016

Hello all,

Hoping to get some insight into the mind of the OW.

I am married 49 yr old, successful man who has had 3 separate A's.

All were with women in their early to mid 30's.

All knew that I was married from the very beginning - never any deceit.

I never promised a future with any of them.

One lasted almost 4 years

One lasted 3.5 years

The latest one lasted officially for about 9 months (but some of it was long distance due to her moving to another city mid way )

All were great experiences

Never a D - Day with any of them.

So here is where I need the insight:

When each one of them ended, it was always some variation of them ending it because there was no future and getting "mad" at me for being married.

There we no big fights. No dramatic endings for the most part. I know I was pretty luck. These were all great. The women were amazing. We spend a lot of time together. Great conversations. Great sex. Great everything.

Why do women enter into these types of relationships in the first place. I know I am lucky that none ended with too much drama or a big D Day, etc.

I struggle at the end to respond to the "You're married" anger that comes from them - they knew it all along.

Help me understand what the thought process is. Please.

With that, I also ask that you refrain from the judgement part of it. That has been well documented. Just hoping for some real insight.

Many thanks.

March 23, 2016

Not trying to pass judgement OP, but you do sound like the classic cake eating MM. I don't think you can spend that much time with a woman with the level of intimacy that you have listed and not expect them to fall in love.

March 23, 2016

They fell in love with you. Or in some version of it. It's that simple. After 3-4 years (or even 9 months) with someone catching feelings is totally normal. Did you not have any feelings for them? Could you have continued on with them forever?

Can I ask you, genuinely, why cheat? If you're finding woman after woman and for such long term affairs- why not divorce and find someone else? This is not a judgement at all. As much as you want to know about OW, I am interested in finding out about the mindset of someone who continually seeks out other relationships.

March 23, 2016

Why do men get married yet continue to cheat and deceive their wives?

March 23, 2016

OP, a few questions

1. Were these OW single or married themselves?

2. Did you ever show affection for them beyond just "having a good time",

i.e., did you tell them that you were in love with them or did you in

anyway wish for a real future with them?

March 23, 2016

There is no doubt that I am classic in many ways. Not disputing it.

I did fall in love with the first two. Breakups were difficult, but luckily drama free.

March 23, 2016

They fell in love with you. Or in some version of it. It's that simple. After 3-4 years (or even 9 months) with someone catching feelings is totally normal. Did you not have any feelings for them? Could you have continued on with them forever?

Can I ask you, genuinely, why cheat? If you're finding woman after woman and for such long term affairs- why not divorce and find someone else? This is not a judgement at all. As much as you want to know about OW, I am interested in finding out about the mindset of someone who continually seeks out other relationships.

I absolutely had / have feelings. I fell in love with two of them.

The question of why I cheat is a fair question but difficult to answer. I think mostly I crave the excitement and action that comes with new relationships. As we all know, for the most part, A's are like an endless honeymoon phase. It's addictive.

March 23, 2016

OP, a few questions

1. Were these OW single or married themselves?
2. Did you ever show affection for them beyond just "having a good time",
i.e., did you tell them that you were in love with them or did you in
anyway wish for a real future with them?

All three of them were single.

I showed great affection for them. Truly loved two of them. Internally I did wish for a real future with two of them (although never Fake Future talked - ever).

March 23, 2016

I absolutely had / have feelings. I fell in love with two of them.
The question of why I cheat is a fair question but difficult to answer. I think mostly I crave the excitement and action that comes with new relationships. As we all know, for the most part, A's are like an endless honeymoon phase. It's addictive.

The feelings you are describing here never last so you will always be in this perpetual hunt for your next high. Although each time you are leaving a wake of heartache. I'm not sure the high is worth it.

March 23, 2016

The feelings you are describing here never last so you will always be in this perpetual hunt for your next high. Although each time you are leaving a wake of heartache. I'm not sure the high is worth it.

Understood and agree for the most part. But my original question still stands....why do the women enter in to these relationships in the first place.

Do they go in thinking something will change?

Do they go in thinking it will just be fun for a while and then plan to bail?

Why do early 30's, successful, attractive, smart women get involved in these?

March 23, 2016

I absolutely had / have feelings. I fell in love with two of them.
The question of why I cheat is a fair question but difficult to answer. I think mostly I crave the excitement and action that comes with new relationships. As we all know, for the most part, A's are like an endless honeymoon phase. It's addictive.

i can understand that if they're short affairs but when you're going on years 3 and 4 they're no longer new, right? At what point would you say, "You know what? I am in love with this person. I want to pursue this."? You say you never future faked but I find it hard to believe since some of that is just normal- people make plans, they ask for things and time, etc. Am I explaining that right? Maybe you never said explicitly you would leave your marriage for them but you probably did make some kind of commitment, no?

I am asking this and someone who recently ended with a serial cheat. I just don't understand how someone can keep seeking out other people and not see that there are some deep problems with the relationship they're in. If you're consistently looking for someone else to validate you or provide something for you, doesn't it stand to reason that there's enough lacking in your primary relationship enough to either fix it or leave?

March 23, 2016

Understood and agree for the most part. But my original question still stands....why do the women enter in to these relationships in the first place.
Do they go in thinking something will change?
Do they go in thinking it will just be fun for a while and then plan to bail?
Why do early 30's, successful, attractive, smart women get involved in these?

Of course they think things will change. Maybe they don't to begin with, maybe they're just having fun and think they can handle it. But once you start building a real relationship with someone you can't help but imagine that they other person a) feels the same way as you and b) will want to be with you in the same way as you want to be with them. But there's honestly no way to know since every one is different. Even these three women are different and might have had very different reasons for getting involved with you in the first place. Maybe one was just for sex, one was truly just casually dating, etc. there's no way we can know.

Did you meet these women's friends and families?

March 23, 2016

Understood and agree for the most part. But my original question still stands....why do the women enter in to these relationships in the first place.
Do they go in thinking something will change?
Do they go in thinking it will just be fun for a while and then plan to bail?
Why do early 30's, successful, attractive, smart women get involved in these?

Why did you get married if you only intend to cheat?

March 23, 2016

i can understand that if they're short affairs but when you're going on years 3 and 4 they're no longer new, right? At what point would you say, "You know what? I am in love with this person. I want to pursue this."? You say you never future faked but I find it hard to believe since some of that is just normal- people make plans, they ask for things and time, etc. Am I explaining that right? Maybe you never said explicitly you would leave your marriage for them but you probably did make some kind of commitment, no?

I am asking this and someone who recently ended with a serial cheat. I just don't understand how someone can keep seeking out other people and not see that there are some deep problems with the relationship they're in. If you're consistently looking for someone else to validate you or provide something for you, doesn't it stand to reason that there's enough lacking in your primary relationship enough to either fix it or leave?

You are correct in that I absolutely said to myself, I am in love with this person. Really in love. We spoke about possible scenarios, but never in a way that ended in them saying" what about your promise to leave your wife", etc. I was careful to NOT commit or even remotely promise anything. Honestly, I rode them out until they decided it was time to end it.

It never feels like I am trying to validate anything. I am chasing the feeling.

You said you are ending something with a serial cheater - so help me understand why you got involved with him in the first place. Please.

March 23, 2016

You are correct in that I absolutely said to myself, I am in love with this person. Really in love. We spoke about possible scenarios, but never in a way that ended in them saying" what about your promise to leave your wife", etc. I was careful to NOT commit or even remotely promise anything. Honestly, I rode them out until they decided it was time to end it.
It never feels like I am trying to validate anything. I am chasing the feeling.

You said you are ending something with a serial cheater - so help me understand why you got involved with him in the first place. Please.

Because he lied when we met. He told me he was divorced. And when he did tell me, he future faked. He would claim he didn't. But he did.

I would bet dollars to donuts that you *think* you were clear with them but you really weren't. Coming up with possible scenerios? Even if they didn't say "So when are you leaving your wife?" doesn't mean they didn't think there was a promise inherent in that.

March 23, 2016

Also- given their ages I would say that it's possible that at first they were just looking to have fun but after a certain amount of time of being with you and you not leaving they realized they had to cut their losses in order to find someone who would want to get married and have children before it was too late. * Perhaps what they wanted changed over the course of your relationships. There are plenty of women who think they don't want these things and then realize that they do. Same with men.

*Not that mid 30s or beyond is too late to get married and have kids but at a certain point if you see something going nowhere and you know you want more, how much time do you want to devote to something that is never going to be what you want?

March 23, 2016

The answer to your question of why cannot be answered here. Since none of knows the three women you were involved with, it could be any number of reasons. A few come to mind:

Insecure

Commitment phobic

Glutton for punishment

Physical without the doldrums of living with you full time

Boredom

Financial reasons

Thrills

Competition

Who knows. Why didn't you ask them if it's such a burning question?

The better question might be; why are you a serial cheater?

March 23, 2016

The better question might be; why are you a serial cheater?

I asked this twice he didn't answer for some reason

March 23, 2016

Why do they get involved to begin with? Well, let's see. Because it's exciting when you're being chased. It's intoxicating to feel so desired and wanted. The thrill of having the forbidden is addictive. The bliss and butterflies in the beginning is heady and keeps you coming back for more. The adrenaline rush that comes with the thoughts of "are we going to get caught?" and "we got away with it!". The chemistry, the totally off the charts funky monkey anything goes sex. Feels so good you just want it more often. The fun of the person that is on your mind at night as you fall asleep and first thing in the morning when you wake up. The ego strokes that come with dressing up, teasing and seduction. The bigger ego strokes of being complimented and cherished and needed.

Why do the other women get involved? I don't know..... but I just described why you do.

Why do you stay with your wife?

March 23, 2016

I think you would have to be naive if you wonder why these women could no longer handle an affair with you.

People, men and women, develop feelings when they are intimate for a long period of time. It hurts to know your A partner doesn't want to be with you , whether you made a promise or you didn't. You were a dead end road for them

It's the natural progression of a relationship.

Several MM have posted here over the years and expressed the same puzzlement.

Why don't you release your wife from her marriage vows and pursue a single carefree life, where you can pursue a different woman every week if you wish.

You are at present living a huge lie. Eventually it will catch you and hurt your wife and possibly your offspring if you have any.

I think there are two things you could ask yourself. Firstly why do you do it and secondly, why have you never come to understand the feelings of your three affair partners. Are you perhaps still emotionally 18 years old?

No judgement from me., just my thoughts for you.

Poppy.

March 23, 2016

Why do they get involved to begin with? Well, let's see. Because it's exciting when you're being chased. It's intoxicating to feel so desired and wanted. The thrill of having the forbidden is addictive. The bliss and butterflies in the beginning is heady and keeps you coming back for more. The adrenaline rush that comes with the thoughts of "are we going to get caught?" and "we got away with it!". The chemistry, the totally off the charts funky monkey anything goes sex. Feels so good you just want it more often. The fun of the person that is on your mind at night as you fall asleep and first thing in the morning when you wake up. The ego strokes that come with dressing up, teasing and seduction. The bigger ego strokes of being complimented and cherished and needed.

Why do the other women get involved? I don't know..... but I just described why you do.

Why do you stay with your wife?

I totally agree with this, they got involved with you OP for the same exact reasons that you got involved with them or anyone gets involved with anybody. The attraction, the infatuation, the thrill, the sex, etc etc.

We all know that best laid plans always go to ****. Sometimes, you think it's all fun and games until you catch feelings. Sometimes you think feelings can be managed and curbed until you fall head over heels in love. Sometimes you think you can be cool when you are in love until the jealousy and fantasies of a *real life together rear their ugly heads.

We are human OP, complex beings with constantly evolving plans, feelings, etc.

As far as your question goes on why these women get into this affairs, my answer is **** happens.

March 23, 2016

Seems to be more focus on hounding the OP than answering the question.

I'm older than your target crowd, but I got involved with MM because I was horny and hadn't had sex in a long time. It probably wasn't going to be a one-off, but the sex was so good, they neighbors needed a cigarette when we were done.

Well, not really. But it was good.

So, we had a connection.

I stayed in it, not because I thought he would leave, but because it was convenient to me, I'd had previous boyfriends bleed money from me. He wasn't going to do that. I'd had my time wasted "rescuing" previous boyfriends children or friends. I had my time wasted doing entertainment activities I didn't want to do - or spend money on.

So, time and money were big issues with me. I was just starting my business and both were in short supply.

One thing I've noticed about men, largely American men is that they seem to think because they bring a penis to the party, that is all they need to do. They don't need to wine and dine, court or woo, or make an effort to be on time, call when they say they're going to or give gifts - big and small. If the MM I was with had pulled any of that traditional male crap, I wouldn't have stuck around for seven years.

So for me, it was convenience. I didn't have to do his laundry or share my space and money.

It ended because I could no longer bear the thought of him getting caught and losing everything. Maybe that means I was starting to care too much. I don't know.

March 23, 2016

I got involved with a MM because I thought it was safe. He is married an therefore can't expect anything from me. He won't develop feelings as he is married... I won't develop feelings because I don't want to

My marriage had ended and I wasn't in any way ready for a relationship and then I met MM. A 'happily' married man who I became friends with. There was a big attraction from the start but due to his 'happy marriage' neither of us thought anything would happen and so we felt safe together an then the friendship grew and then it went physical. I Thought it was fine as it was only kissing but then that goes onto something else and I thought oh it's a one off... Then it keeps going. At the start you convince yourself that you are in control and can walk away at any time

Next thing you know, feelings are involved (feelings you never thought would come) and you can't see a way out

So why do it in the first place - complete naivety! If I knew then what I know now I would have ran a mile

March 23, 2016

Just a suggestion, but wouldn't it be easier to have affairs with married women that were in the same boat. I'm sure single women, despite how they may feel going into the arrangement become lonely, tired of waiting for a MM to live his life while juggling their schedule around the times he has nothing more pressing to do.

March 23, 2016

Hi PTL;

Wish you had asked those questions before the 1st affair;

Wish you had asked those questions after the 1st and before the 2nd affair.

But here we are--no point in talking about all the "should have's" now.

But I'm glad you are asking them now and are at least trying to understand the psychology, which by the way is incredibly complex, as you I'm sure have sensed by now.

So,

I'll get to the point to answer your questions.

Why where they angry? Why did they end the affair?

Because each one was in love with you and not being able to build a future with you hurt them and the only way protect themselves from further pain was to end it before they got any more emotionally attached.

As a man you were able to separate the sex from the emotional attachment. You were able to compartmentalize your relationship (real one) with your wife and your relationship (extra one) with your OW. But as the OW the sex and the emotion got all really the same expression.

So, here's the best explanation I can give:

You love your wife I assume? Clearly you're staying with her, so you must love her in your own way.

Now imagine: picture your wife; imagine she loves you, but she cannot tell the world about you; she cannot dictate when and how she can meet with you; she cannot build a home with you or a future with you, yet she is very much in love with you; she is always seen as a "dirty secret" in the very eyes of her lover. For how long can any woman live with that sort of emotional suffering?

This realization of being disposable any minute by the very man she loves can destroy the very soul of a woman.

Now you ask the more important question:

So why did they get into the affair to begin with if she knew you were married?

Most likely, they had no idea how deeply they'd fall for you. Most likely at the initial stage they only saw a fun friendship or temporary physical relationship. With more and more time, they felt deeper and deeper emotional connection with you.

YOU made them fall in love with you. That's why they were angry because they couldn't build a life with you.

There's something in the very dynamic of MM-OW relationship that keeps the intensity growing and growing until it kills everything on the inside.

Even if they knew they had no future with you, they didn't anticipate getting that strongly attached to you.

Affairs are just like drug addictions; once you're hooked, it generates its own momentum to keep it going, until the entire person has been destroyed from the inside out.

May I suggest, since you're already in this site that you read some of the posts in the OW/OM forum. Reading how each of these people struggle to end things and get pulled back in might shed more light to you than any of us providing a psychological analysis of the typical OW/OM mindset.

On a final general note,

women connect through emotions; men connect through physical bonding.

Men in general can separate the emotion from the physical; women can't--it's simply a biological make-up for most women. The emotions fuel stronger need for sex and sex fuel a stronger emotional bonding. Until it all implodes.

I have not read most of the responses to your original post yet--but would guess you'd get hammered for having that many affairs and for what you're doing to your wife.

But I'm glad you're at least asking the questions; and I'm hoping after reading these responses, if nothing else, you can at least understand that each of those OW ended things because they couldn't take the emotional pain any farther.

On a personal note: I'm xOW; I have changed to "something" I cannot recognize any more; after the affair ended, after multiple suicide attempts, after shutting down physically and emotionally completely--something died inside me.

It's been well over a year with complete NC with my xMM and I haven't spoken a word of english with any HUMAN BEING (besides work and therapy). It's a complete meltdown--that's where I am.

If you ask me what I feel, I can't really explain; but I can say, I do so dearly miss the person I used to be. She was alive inside more than anything else.

I doubt you can fully understand what your xOWs felt, but the simplest answer would be

"PAIN". Indescribable inhuman pain.

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