Amlee Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I've been dating this girl for 9 months now and I am in 2 minds as to weather or not I should stay with her or just leave. Firstly since the get go she's been talking about wanting to settle down and I'm at that stage in life too, so I've been cool with that. But I have some concerns..... 1- I get that everyone has a past but I get the feeling hers could be kinda deep and long. As her kitty feels a lot looser than it should be for a woman i might call my wife one day. I've asked her how many guys she's been with twice at different times and have received 2 completely different answers. 2- she talks about an ex she broke up with 5 years ago all the time and keeps an ugly broken piece of art in her living room and it really dominates the room. Does that mean she's not over him? 3- she has bad eating habits, has gained a lot of weight causing me to be less attracted to her and has made me gain loads of weight too. I've tried to encourage her to eat better and excercise but she just not into it. 4- she always makes me pay for things I should be paying for 5- most of her friends seem sexually loose 6- she has cheated on 2 of her old serious boyfriends towards the end of their relationships. 7- she has a sexually unhibited attitude 8- she seems really flirtatious in a lot of online photos with many different guys 9- she has lied to me about smaller things in the past 10- she doesn't expand me mentally On the plus side we get along well, laugh a lot, she seems like a good person, she cooks and cleans for me and I'm happy when I'm with her. I don't just want to break her heart as she says she really loves me and I don't want to waste her time. I care about her but if you asked me what the characteristics my future wife would be before I met her, I would have dismissed her in a heartbeat. But I've developed feelings for her so this decision is hard. Can anyone offer help and advice??
strawberryshortstack Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I've been dating this girl for 9 months now and I am in 2 minds as to weather or not I should stay with her or just leave. Firstly since the get go she's been talking about wanting to settle down and I'm at that stage in life too, so I've been cool with that. But I have some concerns..... 1- I get that everyone has a past but I get the feeling hers could be kinda deep and long. As her kitty feels a lot looser than it should be for a woman i might call my wife one day. I've asked her how many guys she's been with twice at different times and have received 2 completely different answers. Why does the number of guys she's been with matter at this point? She's with you now, and that's all that matters. If you're unhappy with what appears to be her lying to you about her "number", that's one thing, but not necessarily a dealbreaker, but it is something you should address (the lying, NOT the number of guys - because quite frankly, I don't think this is any of your business. And how "loose" she is has nothing to do with how many men she's been with (the vagina is elastic and returns to its original size no matter how many penises have been in it), some people are just looser than others. 2- she talks about an ex she broke up with 5 years ago all the time and keeps an ugly broken piece of art in her living room and it really dominates the room. Does that mean she's not over him? The fact that she talks about him all the time might concern me, but without context, it's hard to say. More details? As for the piece of art, maybe SHE doesn't find it ugly, and she keeps it because she likes it. Honestly, I still have mementos that ex boyfriends have given me - not because I'm not over them, but because the item given is something useful or pretty, and it no longer holds the memories it used to. 3- she has bad eating habits, has gained a lot of weight causing me to be less attracted to her and has made me gain loads of weight too. I've tried to encourage her to eat better and excercise but she just not into it. Hold on just a second here. She MADE you gain loads of weight? I don't think so. You, and you alone, are responsible for your actions. If she eats something unhealthy in your presence, you are not required to eat it too. You made a choice, and that's on you. If she's unwilling to eat healthy, and you're no longer attracted to her, you can talk to her, but you cannot force her to change her habits. If your lifestyles are incompatible, then this may not be a viable relationship. 4- she always makes me pay for things I should be paying for I'm assuming you meant "should not be paying for" - can you give some examples? 5- most of her friends seem sexually loose Don't judge her because of her friends. 6- she has cheated on 2 of her old serious boyfriends towards the end of their relationships. Okay, this is the first serious issue I see, and worth paying attention to. 7- she has a sexually unhibited attitude So? This, by itself, is not a problem. I have a sexually uninhibited attitude - this doesn't make me a bad person, it doesn't make me bad at relationships. It means I enjoy sex, and have it often with my partner, or whomever I feel like when I'm not in a relationship. You can be loyal and uninhibited at the same time. 8- she seems really flirtatious in a lot of online photos with many different guys This is being addressed in a different thread, so I'll leave this one be. 9- she has lied to me about smaller things in the past What kinds of things? Little lies can be harmless, but they also establish a pattern, and it can escalate. But only you can decide if they're important enough to you to end a relationship over. 10- she doesn't expand me mentally Well, this could be a problem. You may not be compatible if this is important to you. 2
Larryville Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 While shystrawberry says “the first serious issue” 6- she has cheated on 2 of her old serious boyfriends towards the end of their relationships. This to me is the most important. 10- she doesn't expand me mentally While some people might be good in bed, nice, sweet, friendly, fun whatever… if you don’t math intellectually and mentally eventually you will get bored and lose respect for your significant other. While many people here may drone on about whether or not someone “loves them” does not matter if respect is lost. Seems to me according to this list you presented you no longer have any respect for her and as someone said in another thread that I keep steeling once you start posting here and outlining as much as you have, you have already pretty much tuned out and you are looking to justify (or someone here to convince you otherwise) staying with someone instead of frankly saving yourself time and anguish and just moving on.
Jim nine three Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 1. Well,to be honest with you the number of people she has been with doesn't matter such as the number of people you have been with should not concern her either.You were not together at this point so it's none of each other's business.However I can see where you are coming from,if you are not cool with it you don't have to put up with it.The fact that she lied to you however is a bit more concerning. 2.Why would she keep an ex's piece of art in such an obvious place?Sure,she may like the art however I don't know a great many people who keep stuff their ex gave them in such a manner.Once again you are not forced to put up with anything.If you don't like something you are free to act accordingly. 3.You gained weight because you let yourself do so,it is not her fault.If you don't find her attractive though don't stay with her just for the sake of being with someone.You don't sound like you are that thrilled with her anyway. 4.If you meant to say "she should be paying for" then again it is your fault.Why would you accept that?You don't HAVE to pay anything of hers.Sure,it is nice buying gifts and paying some dates for your S.O. but you are not husband and wife only 9 months in a relationship. 5.What her friends do doesn't matter.However it is often said you are the people closest to you combined.This one is up to you,keep in mind though she probably doesn't like some of your friend's habits too. 6.Huge red flag here.Once a cheater always a cheater. 7.This really doesn't matter at all.Most people are sexually uninhibited as far as I am concerned.If it doesn't affect your sexual life then I don't see a problem. 8.From the way you describe her,combined with number 6. , she sounds like someone who is not the loyal type.If you place loyalty in high value in a relationship then this girl is not for you,plain and simple. 9.Minor things,if you let them occur from the beginning,tend to grow bigger with time.Honesty and good communication are vital for a long term relationship. 10.Being in a relationship means that the person you are with helps you improve in all aspects of life you want them to.If you don't think you are fit for each other in all possible ways,don't settle for mediocrity.You will end up regretting it later on.
ashley1992 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 if ur feeling those things now and the list u have provided, imagine how u wud feel a couple of months or years later, it looks like alot of problems already, doesnt seem healthy
Author Amlee Posted March 28, 2016 Author Posted March 28, 2016 1. Well,to be honest with you the number of people she has been with doesn't matter such as the number of people you have been with should not concern her either.You were not together at this point so it's none of each other's business.However I can see where you are coming from,if you are not cool with it you don't have to put up with it.The fact that she lied to you however is a bit more concerning. 2.Why would she keep an ex's piece of art in such an obvious place?Sure,she may like the art however I don't know a great many people who keep stuff their ex gave them in such a manner.Once again you are not forced to put up with anything.If you don't like something you are free to act accordingly. 3.You gained weight because you let yourself do so,it is not her fault.If you don't find her attractive though don't stay with her just for the sake of being with someone.You don't sound like you are that thrilled with her anyway. 4.If you meant to say "she should be paying for" then again it is your fault.Why would you accept that?You don't HAVE to pay anything of hers.Sure,it is nice buying gifts and paying some dates for your S.O. but you are not husband and wife only 9 months in a relationship. 5.What her friends do doesn't matter.However it is often said you are the people closest to you combined.This one is up to you,keep in mind though she probably doesn't like some of your friend's habits too. 6.Huge red flag here.Once a cheater always a cheater. 7.This really doesn't matter at all.Most people are sexually uninhibited as far as I am concerned.If it doesn't affect your sexual life then I don't see a problem. 8.From the way you describe her,combined with number 6. , she sounds like someone who is not the loyal type.If you place loyalty in high value in a relationship then this girl is not for you,plain and simple. 9.Minor things,if you let them occur from the beginning,tend to grow bigger with time.Honesty and good communication are vital for a long term relationship. 10.Being in a relationship means that the person you are with helps you improve in all aspects of life you want them to.If you don't think you are fit for each other in all possible ways,don't settle for mediocrity.You will end up regretting it later on. Just wanted to thank everyone for all of your advice
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