My new reality after my affair ended

March 24, 2016

Good on you! 19 days NC is great!
I am a nurse,i can' even tell you how many of my patients were or are on antidepressants.
It is practically the norm and has been so luch help to many of them. You know it takes a whike before they kick in,right?
It is interesting what privategal wrote about people caving in at around at 21-30 days. My ex mm broke nc one month to the day. I can see how that is a fragile time. The first two months of NC were so, so hard.
I always share that once i got past about 3 months of NC, i knew for sure i wasnt toing to break it. I still missed him (let's be honest, i still do now and it has been 9 freaking months) but i got through the worst and it would be crazy to backtrack.
You will remain strong. It will hurt,but you will pull through. Feeling pain while knowing you are doing the right thing is tolerable.
You can do this and in time, you will feel better.
It has taken me months,literally. I finally reached a point where i can feel happy at times and/or not think.of my ex ap for long stretches of time.
I still cant imagine going a day without him invading my mind,but i have to believe it will happen.
I really feel your pain, big hug.

That is so interesting what Privategal wrote about people caving around day 21 to 30. I am on day 23 and for the past two days I have really struggled and have been wanting to send an email. The first two weeks I was really strong and had no desire to contact him. Why do you think that period of time is the hardest?

I have no desire to re start the A but have this strong yearning to get in touch and say hi. I don't know why, I went off at the guy the last email I sent! I hope I can be like you iamsosad and reach 3 months and know I will never break it. I will get through this hump by coming on here and remaining strong. For the most part I have been ok and have gone periods where I haven't even thought about him. But the last two days have been tough.

Good luck Babs, there are a few of us who have gone NC at the same time!

March 24, 2016

I am sorry for how your feeling babs. I hope you are not being to hard on yourself. Sounds like you are making some big personal discoveries, and although this will no doubt be a hard road ahead, I am glad it is leading you towards healing. Hugs to you.

Thanks Pili-Pala- I know we have both been struggling with this journey - next time I'm over the pond I will let you know and we can meet up and celebrate how far we've come! I am actually being kind to myself and listening to my body- which says- you need help. I'm normally a hard *** and I tell myself to suck it up and get over it! You take care of yourself and share an update. I haven't seen much from you these days- unless you've been on a post I'm not active on. Know you aren't alone and we are here to help each other! (Hugs)

March 24, 2016

I have a lot of experience with depression and its treatment. I can tell you without any hesitation that depression is a TRUE medical illness. For many people it is a chronic illness. For some, it is situational.

Depression is NOT a character defect, a weakness, or a personality disorder. It's a disease. And yes, it needs to be treated, just like any other illness. Avoiding treatment can make the illness worse, much like walking on an untreated broken leg. Once you have "caught" depression, you are susceptible to "catching" it again so you have to learn what are your triggers and symptoms so that you can do what you need to prevent it in the future, and identify it if and when you "come down with" depression again.

Everything's going to be okay. Give yourself time. Accept where you are for right now and try to imagine a positive future, if you can. If you can't, find that one little thing that is THE MOST important thing to you right now, and hold onto that. Try to remember who you used to be. Thumb through old photos and things that can remind you of who you are. Get in touch with positive, uplifting, supportive friends and family. Avoid negative, toxic people and relationships like the plague that they are.

Take good care of yourself. Try to get some exercise. If you cannot go to the gym, walk in your neighborhood. Start small. Just put on your shoes and walk to the end of your street and back. Build from there.

PM me if you need any help with anything or need any fighting depression tips. I've been dealing with it for decades. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.

❤❤❤

Thank you 13hearts. Your advice was so kind. Thank you- I do see a happy future and I will get back there. I've always been told I'm the eternal optimist and I really need that back! I wish I could PM but I'm still a "new" member. I see you live in the east coast. Maybe we are neighbors and don't even know it! I would be interested in talking to you about your depression journey. I took my first pill last night and woke up fuzzy. My doctor told me it takes several weeks and the first few weeks I could actually feel worse (yay me lol). But I will suffer through the adjustment and hope that I will start to feel the doom and sadness lift. Thank you again (hugs)

March 24, 2016

I don't think there is anything wrong with taking something to help you. The pain when the A ends is absolutely horrible. I'm a year and a half out and I still have days now and then when it all comes rushing back. But I look at it now as a unhealthy addiction. I exercise and I pray and listen to Joel osteen and I've taken up crocheting( lol) it's very therapeutic! I even asked my therapist about hypnosis to forget him I said as that depressed. I don't know if I'm the best to give advice but I will say that you will get stronger everyday! I even have a playlist that I named "stronger" that I listened to in my car. Just gear yourself towards healing!! You can do it...and I don't know if you believe in God but praying helps me also...

I have a "stronger" playlist too- we should compare songs!! I travel so much for my work that I needed a playlist for the airplane that wouldn't trigger me. (Crying in business class is never received well lol). Music was a huge part of my A we would create playlists depending on our moods and experiences. He loves music and would send me songs all the time to add to our (10) different playlists. So now I have a iPhone filled with songs I love and can't listen to. I often wonder how he does it because he has an hour commute one way and every other song must remind him of me lol. Oh well- maybe he has a stronger playlist too. Thanks for sharing what you do. It helps to know what others do to move forward. A year and 1/2- yeeesh. I can't wait to have this in my past!

March 24, 2016

Bubbaganoosh- first of all I love your name! I personally don't like the real eggplant dip but I'm assuming you do . Wow 40 years NC. Good for you- that's imcredible. Makes my 20 days look like a blip on the radar I'm so sorry to hear you went through that. It was obviously a life altering situation and it must have hurt you very deeply. But now you can use it to encourage others like me that no matter how tough life gets, things can get better! I hope to use my adversity to help others in the future. Thank you for the encouragement and sharing!

March 24, 2016

That is so interesting what Privategal wrote about people caving around day 21 to 30. I am on day 23 and for the past two days I have really struggled and have been wanting to send an email. The first two weeks I was really strong and had no desire to contact him. Why do you think that period of time is the hardest?

I have no desire to re start the A but have this strong yearning to get in touch and say hi. I don't know why, I went off at the guy the last email I sent! I hope I can be like you iamsosad and reach 3 months and know I will never break it. I will get through this hump by coming on here and remaining strong. For the most part I have been ok and have gone periods where I haven't even thought about him. But the last two days have been tough.

Good luck Babs, there are a few of us who have gone NC at the same time!

Grey cloud- yes, I can see how challenging that 21-30 days can be. As I approach it it seems like everyday the pull gets stronger and stronger. However I have no plans to break it and he knows me- I won't. I pray he doesn't weaken himself and he stays strong. I don't want to have to deal with the emotions of seeing that text or call. It does seem like several of us went NC around the same time, must be something in the water.

To be honest I will never break NC. I say that with 100% confidence. And I believe he will be strong for a few months but I fear that when the dust settles (DD was mid Jan- we pushed it underground until 20 days ago- I ended it) and his wife settles down with her newly developed private investigator skills - something tells me he will be back. My inner voice tells me he will try again. I pray by that time I'm strong and can confidently keep NC and resume whatever I was doing. Do you feel the same?

March 24, 2016

Grey cloud- yes, I can see how challenging that 21-30 days can be. As I approach it it seems like everyday the pull gets stronger and stronger. However I have no plans to break it and he knows me- I won't. I pray he doesn't weaken himself and he stays strong. I don't want to have to deal with the emotions of seeing that text or call. It does seem like several of us went NC around the same time, must be something in the water.

To be honest I will never break NC. I say that with 100% confidence. And I believe he will be strong for a few months but I fear that when the dust settles (DD was mid Jan- we pushed it underground until 20 days ago- I ended it) and his wife settles down with her newly developed private investigator skills - something tells me he will be back. My inner voice tells me he will try again. I pray by that time I'm strong and can confidently keep NC and resume whatever I was doing. Do you feel the same?

I think I have the opposite problem - I know he won't contact me. One of the last things he said to me was that he wouldn't contact me (because I had told that is what I wanted), but he told me I could contact him whenever I wanted and he would respond.

I am remaining strong because the last email I sent him said " this is the last time you will hear from me" so I don't want to go back on my word. There was no d-day but his wife pretty much knew, she just didn't have any evidence and he sweet talked away her suspicions. But it spooked him enough. The funny thing is there are so many traits I don't like about the guy and I don't want him in my life which is why I am struggling to understand this pull to break NC?

Your strength and conviction to never break NC is inspiring!

March 24, 2016

Thank you 13hearts. Your advice was so kind. Thank you- I do see a happy future and I will get back there. I've always been told I'm the eternal optimist and I really need that back! I wish I could PM but I'm still a "new" member. I see you live in the east coast. Maybe we are neighbors and don't even know it! I would be interested in talking to you about your depression journey. I took my first pill last night and woke up fuzzy. My doctor told me it takes several weeks and the first few weeks I could actually feel worse (yay me lol). But I will suffer through the adjustment and hope that I will start to feel the doom and sadness lift. Thank you again (hugs)

I noticed we might be neighbors, too It would be fun to get together with people and talk about our struggles IRL. It's not like you can really have these kinds of candid conversations with your neighbors, family, ans friends LOL. I see you have well over a hundred posts; jeez, I wonder how many you have to post before you can PM?

Soon as you can, PM me. We can trade xMM stories and depression tips

Hang in there w the anti-Ds. Sometimes it takes a few tries before the dr finds the right one for you. In the meantime, keep up with NC. You got this!

March 24, 2016

I think I have the opposite problem - I know he won't contact me. One of the last things he said to me was that he wouldn't contact me (because I had told that is what I wanted), but he told me I could contact him whenever I wanted and he would respond.

I am remaining strong because the last email I sent him said " this is the last time you will hear from me" so I don't want to go back on my word. There was no d-day but his wife pretty much knew, she just didn't have any evidence and he sweet talked away her suspicions. But it spooked him enough. The funny thing is there are so many traits I don't like about the guy and I don't want him in my life which is why I am struggling to understand this pull to break NC?

Your strength and conviction to never break NC is inspiring!

Grey cloud- I know for a fact if I reached out he would be normal, friendly, flirty- he would never ignore me or be rude. But it's still not happening. I just feel I hold the power by not contacting him. I have never chased a man and I don't plan on starting now and he knows that. I will never let him see me be weak. If he knew I turned into the depressive, anxious mess that I have, he would be shocked and would probably feel terrible beyond words. He will never see that. I guess staying NC is my way of holding on to the last little piece of dignity I have. You can do it!

March 24, 2016

I noticed we might be neighbors, too It would be fun to get together with people and talk about our struggles IRL. It's not like you can really have these kinds of candid conversations with your neighbors, family, ans friends LOL. I see you have well over a hundred posts; jeez, I wonder how many you have to post before you can PM?

Soon as you can, PM me. We can trade xMM stories and depression tips
Hang in there w the anti-Ds. Sometimes it takes a few tries before the dr finds the right one for you. In the meantime, keep up with NC. You got this!

13 hearts- I will definitely PM as soon as they allow it. I have no clue how many posts to become established. Getting together would be great. I have one girlfriend and one guy friend (he's a pastor - but we grew up together) that knows about my A along with my therapist. My other friends would be shocked to know I did this... It's very uncharacteristic of me. Would be great to be neighbors- fingers crossed!

March 24, 2016

Grey cloud- yes, I can see how challenging that 21-30 days can be. As I approach it it seems like everyday the pull gets stronger and stronger. However I have no plans to break it and he knows me- I won't. I pray he doesn't weaken himself and he stays strong. I don't want to have to deal with the emotions of seeing that text or call. It does seem like several of us went NC around the same time, must be something in the water.

To be honest I will never break NC. I say that with 100% confidence. And I believe he will be strong for a few months but I fear that when the dust settles (DD was mid Jan- we pushed it underground until 20 days ago- I ended it) and his wife settles down with her newly developed private investigator skills - something tells me he will be back. My inner voice tells me he will try again. I pray by that time I'm strong and can confidently keep NC and resume whatever I was doing. Do you feel the same?

I do know that it takes about 21 days to form a new habit so maybe somehow that has something to do with the itch. Gotta keep up with the new things you have been doing to keep xMM out of your life, until you are really strong in your new resolution. Up until 21 days, you've just been practicing. Now's the time to bring out the big guns and strengthen your resolve.

Yes, they always come back. They probably figure you were open to sex with an unavailable man before so that must mean either you're THAT kind of girl or you're weak enough to fall back into it again. To me, it's an insult when I tell a person what my wishes are and they do not respect them. That's enough to tell someone to get lost. If you don't respect me enough to honor what little I ask of you, I simply don't have room for you in my life.

Another thing? Dysfunctional people need other dysfunctional people in order to continue being dysfunctional. What's that say about us? That we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard, recognize just how dysfunctional and toxic cheating spouses actually are, and resolve not to be dysfunctional ourselves or contribute to someone else's dysfunctionality or toxicity. It's a no-brainer to me and I won't allow my emotions to overrule my integrity any longer.

March 24, 2016

Grey cloud- I know for a fact if I reached out he would be normal, friendly, flirty- he would never ignore me or be rude. But it's still not happening. I just feel I hold the power by not contacting him. I have never chased a man and I don't plan on starting now and he knows that. I will never let him see me be weak. If he knew I turned into the depressive, anxious mess that I have, he would be shocked and would probably feel terrible beyond words. He will never see that. I guess staying NC is my way of holding on to the last little piece of dignity I have. You can do it!

Yes you are right. Unfortunately my xMM got to see me as an anxious, emotional mess the last couple of weeks. He must have wondered where the fun, confident girl had gone. I was so emotional and the more rational and logical he was the more it infuriated me!! I say hold on to your dignity.

March 24, 2016

I do know that it takes about 21 days to form a new habit so maybe somehow that has something to do with the itch. Gotta keep up with the new things you have been doing to keep xMM out of your life, until you are really strong in your new resolution. Up until 21 days, you've just been practicing. Now's the time to bring out the big guns and strengthen your resolve.

Yes, they always come back. They probably figure you were open to sex with an unavailable man before so that must mean either you're THAT kind of girl or you're weak enough to fall back into it again. To me, it's an insult when I tell a person what my wishes are and they do not respect them. That's enough to tell someone to get lost. If you don't respect me enough to honor what little I ask of you, I simply don't have room for you in my life.

Another thing? Dysfunctional people need other dysfunctional people in order to continue being dysfunctional. What's that say about us? That we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard, recognize just how dysfunctional and toxic cheating spouses actually are, and resolve not to be dysfunctional ourselves or contribute to someone else's dysfunctionality or toxicity. It's a no-brainer to me and I won't allow my emotions to overrule my integrity any longer.

21 days... That's tomorrow. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up and the habit is kicked. I don't see that happening but a girl can hope. I keep hearing "he will come back" but hoping mine is different and goodbye means goodbye. I can't deal with a set back right now.

You have a great mindset- your posts always make such perfect sense. Keep em' coming!

March 24, 2016

Yes you are right. Unfortunately my xMM got to see me as an anxious, emotional mess the last couple of weeks. He must have wondered where the fun, confident girl had gone. I was so emotional and the more rational and logical he was the more it infuriated me!! I say hold on to your dignity.

Grey cloud- it's ok. Staying NC going forward will change that perception. My mantra since going NC has been "sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is nothing at all". I'm sure he expects you to reach out eventually. Imagine his dismay when months pass and nothing. Make that your next goal!

March 24, 2016

21 days... That's tomorrow. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up and the habit is kicked. I don't see that happening but a girl can hope. I keep hearing "he will come back" but hoping mine is different and goodbye means goodbye. I can't deal with a set back right now.

You have a great mindset- your posts always make such perfect sense. Keep em' coming!

Well, MM have moments of weakness and delusion just like the rest of us

❤❤❤❤

March 24, 2016

The funny thing is there are so many traits I don't like about the guy and I don't want him in my life which is why I am struggling to understand this pull to break NC

Grey Cloud, I know exactly what you mean!! Back in my first week after break up, I even wrote a list of all the things I don't like about him and I go back and read it every now and again. It's an hilarious list but there are some really bad off-putting things in there, however ten minutes later I still miss him and want to contact him, or I see him across the office and think 'oh but he is cute though'... Urgggh...Where did I put that list.....

I do know that it takes about 21 days to form a new habit so maybe somehow that has something to do with the itch.

21 days... That's tomorrow. Wouldn't it be nice to wake up and the habit is kicked. I don't see that happening but a girl can hope. I keep hearing "he will come back" but hoping mine is different and goodbye means goodbye. I can't deal with a set back right now.

Ok, so I have been trying not to count the days - but I just did now and it's been 21 days No (personal) Contact today! Maybe that's why I hit a wall. Ok, I am going to go to bed now so I can see if I wake up tomorrow and think only of kittens...

I really don't want him to contact me as I feel it would set me back too - but there is a part of me that is really hurt that he is not even trying to Do you not feel that at all Babs?

Edited March 24, 2016 by Pili-Pala
Typo lost meaning! Doh!

March 24, 2016

Grey Cloud, I know exactly what you mean!! Back in my first week after break up, I even wrote a list of all the things I don't like about him and I go back and read it every now and again. It's an hilarious list but there are some really bad off-putting things in there, however ten minutes later I still miss him and want to contact him, or I see him across the office and think 'oh but he is cute though'... Urgggh...Where did I put that list.....

Ok, so I have been trying not to count the days - but I just did now and it's been 21 days No (personal) Contact today! Maybe that's why I hit a wall. Ok, I am going to go to bed now so I can see if I wake up tomorrow and think only of kittens...

I really don't want him to contact me as I feel it would set me back too - but there is a part of me that is really hurt that he is not even trying to Do you not feel that at all Babs?

Pili-Pala- i know him pretty well and no matter how wonderful our affair was or what he feels for me, I don't see him breaking NC (right now) for several reasons:

He wouldn't want to appear weak to me

When I told him it was over - he told me he needs to "fix his marriage" and it's only been 20 days so that would make him look like an idiot

His wife's mother is dying of cancer so if he tried to restart an affair right now (and got caught) that would make him look like a monster

His wife did not tell his 3 daughters or family about the A - and he knows if he messed up again, she will- and his daughter adore him

He's been married for 25 years- I was his first affair- she agreed to try to reconcile so he got a get out of jail free card - he has to at least "try"

He would be financially ruined (two girls in college, one in high school)

She is hyper vigilant and watches him like a hawk now

Reasons why I think he will break NC someday:

We had insane chemistry and sex - his wife was very vanilla and only wanted it once a month (he has a high sex drive for 50)

He was checked out of his marriage years before he decided to have an affair

He refused MC or IC after DD

He would have continued the A if I didn't end it - he pushed it underground -found out ways to shut off his location tracker- and continued to lie to her to see me

He never planned to tell her about his A and had no remorse or regret of doing it.

He only confessed with trickle- truth and he lied to her about the depth of our affair- she only knows about 25% of the truth. He didn't come clean when he should have

He gets annoyed with her when she keeps bringing it up and wants to talk about the A

W won't always be hyper vigilant

His daughters will graduate from college/high school and he will find himself home alone with her someday

So I just don't think he's remorseful and has what it takes to fix his marriage. I don't see him putting the hard work into it. I think he loved what we had and would have been happy to have us both or at least until He could find an appropriate time to leave (where he doesn't look like a monster, deserter, or horrible father).

So as you can see- I know why he's staying NC and I realized it has nothing to do with me

March 25, 2016

I have a "stronger" playlist too- we should compare songs!! I travel so much for my work that I needed a playlist for the airplane that wouldn't trigger me. (Crying in business class is never received well lol). Music was a huge part of my A we would create playlists depending on our moods and experiences. He loves music and would send me songs all the time to add to our (10) different playlists. So now I have a iPhone filled with songs I love and can't listen to. I often wonder how he does it because he has an hour commute one way and every other song must remind him of me lol. Oh well- maybe he has a stronger playlist too. Thanks for sharing what you do. It helps to know what others do to move forward. A year and 1/2- yeeesh. I can't wait to have this in my past!

Ok you need to delete the songs you listened to w him... I know it's hard but do it... Or at least rename the playlists. There are songs I switch right away... Like all of me... Can't listen to it without feeling sick. But some of my songs on my list are...lips are movin by Megan trainor, wide wake by Katy perry, a little bit stronger by leighton... Can't remember last name and fight song is the best... Also any song that you can sing at the top of your lungs...

March 25, 2016

Wow, you just wrote an entire page why your MM would break NC. You are living in his frame. He owns you, without saying a word.

I understand NC is not easy (I've done it), but you have to get your mind on something else. Find a hobby. Go sky diving. Go to a shooting range.

I've said this quote before, but whenever I had to urge to contact my X I would look at my phone and see what I wrote. "3 billion women out there, just in case the B*tch feels irreplaceable"

You can do better. Do not settle on being some one else's side piece.

March 25, 2016

So as you can see- I know why he's staying NC and I realized it has nothing to do with me

Yes, that's seems to make a lot of sense. There are a lot of reasons why he is staying NC and it doesn't mean it's because of who I am or that he felt/feels nothing me. It's just what it is and how it needs to be.

March 25, 2016

Ok you need to delete the songs you listened to w him... I know it's hard but do it... Or at least rename the playlists. There are songs I switch right away... Like all of me... Can't listen to it without feeling sick. But some of my songs on my list are...lips are movin by Megan trainor, wide wake by Katy perry, a little bit stronger by leighton... Can't remember last name and fight song is the best... Also any song that you can sing at the top of your lungs...

That would be hundreds of songs lol... And many I've listened to my entire life. I know the songs that trigger me and I avoid them. I have some great new "stronger" playlists that I focus on now and I agree- choose the ones that make you sing at the top of your lungs.

March 25, 2016

Wow, you just wrote an entire page why your MM would break NC. You are living in his frame. He owns you, without saying a word.

I understand NC is not easy (I've done it), but you have to get your mind on something else. Find a hobby. Go sky diving. Go to a shooting range.

I've said this quote before, but whenever I had to urge to contact my X I would look at my phone and see what I wrote. "3 billion women out there, just in case the B*tch feels irreplaceable"

You can do better. Do not settle on being some one else's side piece.

Buddy x- I think you misunderstood my post. Not sure if you read the entire thread. I am very focused on moving forward with my life and staying NC. Pili-Pala asked me a question and I was responding to her post. But thank you for the encouragement to stay NC

March 25, 2016

Yes, that's seems to make a lot of sense. There are a lot of reasons why he is staying NC and it doesn't mean it's because of who I am or that he felt/feels nothing me. It's just what it is and how it needs to be.

Exactly! I know under different circumstances we may be together but i live in reality and I know it's not meant to be.

March 25, 2016

How are you feeling today, Babsinhealing?

March 25, 2016

Joining solonely in askng how you are today?

Also,.you wrote that your ex ap is not remorseful. How do you explain that?

Mine had zero,none, nothing. No guilt, no regret, no remorse. I just didn't get it. He did not get hit by post affair guilt either, the way some do.

Did you find your ap's emotional reaction odd?

Im curious, this has always bothered me.

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