VonLagos Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 About a month ago I posted about being dumped by my ex boyfriend who I felt at the time had unresolved grief issues. I felt that he couldn't allow anyone to get to close to him because of the fear of losing someone - he lost his Mum and Sister in the space of 10 years and never really dealt with it. He dumped me totally out of the blue after I made a flippant comment about how we hadn't had sex in 10 days and he was preoccupied with a maths equation. I was joking, he took it seriously. Anyway, I implement NC as best as I could (we work together), but I've found the last couple of weeks difficult to deal with. I thought that my thyroid was over active, causing racing heartbeat, sickness, lack of appetite and lost 11lbs in 3 weeks. It turns out my doctor thinks I'm suffering with grief and stuck dealing with the break up. It doesn't help me that he has been posting on FB with very positive updates, how he is busy and drinking with friends (btw, he was previously slagging off those same friends less than a month earlier and how he hated spending tme with them). I had already unfriended him, but caved and viewed his profile. Everything he has done post break up has been set to public so anyone can view it. He could be doing this on purpose? So he knows if I look at his page that's what I'll see? Anyway, I blocked him totally now. At work he has been approaching me and not saying anything to me - he has been making eye contact and saying hello and generally having a good old laugh with friends in front of me. I'm finding this difficult as I know that he has not been in a very good place for a long time, and can see that he is "pretending" that everything is ok. He is also trying finding a new job and this makes me feel that he is dealing with the break up better than me. I felt during the relationship that he was depressed and I felt as if I had to help him with his grief as I loved him and wanted to support him. But, I realised that he slowly chipped away at my self esteem - eg, he wouldn't take photos of us, he would undermine nice things I said about him, he wouldn't comfort me as much as I'd hoped he would if I was upset. I look back and think that he did a lot of taking, and I gave everything. When he broke up with me he essentially blamed me for being "an amazing girlfriend" and that he "didn't have a chance to think because he had been having such a good time". Which is all total bull**** really. He hasn't taken any responsibility for his actions. He also carried on trying to be friends with me, and kept following my snapchats. He slagged me off to a mutual friend because I explained I wasn't ready for friendship and that I didn't understand why he wanted to continue checking my snapchats. He called me immature. He said I was making it awkward by barely speaking to him at work. But, he said he still wanted me in his life. I think he did this because he knew my friend would tell me - it made me angry but I didn't react to him or contact him. He failed to mention all the nice supportive things I said about him during the same conversation. I've since been put on low level valium to help with the anxiety and it is helping. I am trying to shift the focus back onto me and stop thinking about what I should/could have done differently. It irks me that he still wears shoes that I bought him everyday to work! I am trying to distinguish whether he is a true narcissist or whether he is a depressive and running away from his problems? If he was a narcissist that is even more hurtful to me as I will know that nothing we had together was particularly real. Has anyone else been through the same thing? Or dealt with a narcissist? I feel as if I have to justify my lack of "saying hello" to him - can't he see that I'm very hurt by his actions and I need space?
Steven1 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I think that one of his biggest problems with regards to dealing with it etc in terms of you is that he probably expects you to get on with it the same way he is, and that can't always be the case. No contact was probably the best step, but it may be wise to try and have a quiet word with him at work and say that you need to deal with it in your own way and not for him to be judging you on how you are going about it etc. From my own experience (sadly) I think he may be going through denial and may have become used to it over the years. It sounds like the death of his mum and sister hit him hard but he didn't want to let anyone else in on it. I know in my case when my relationship ended recently, I was still acting 'normal' at work and around friends, but at home I was completely depressed. I wasn't in denial as such...but hoping that things would turn around, and I think that's similar to what he is doing, he may not be thinking things will work out again, but I think he's got used to not letting his problems come out in public. And As I said, he may expect you to deal with it the same way he is, which is wrong as everyone deals with it in different ways. If you don't want to talk to him etc you are well within your right, if he looks at your snapchats etc ignore it, do what ever YOU need to do, to move on.
Apparition Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 VonLagos, I'm very sorry to hear about your break-up and very sorry for your ex-boyfriends behavior. Sadly none of us can really tell you if he's a narcissist or depressive because judging and basing opinions on someone from only what you write won't work. Either way, who cares? He has hurt you enough by leaving you behind, mistreating you and most of all acting like he doesn't care. You're not alone with the pain you carry, though, many of us on this site carry the same pain and are struggling to get by each day. Since he lost his Mother and Sister you would think he would keep close the ones he loves but even if they are related to this (which I don't think they are, his behavior towards you, I mean) then it's no excuse to treat you poorly whatsoever. Emotionally I would say he has a lot of growing up and learning to do, despite his circumstances. I would worry about you for now and move on with your life without him in it. It's sad, depressing, painful but it's something that must be done if you wish to heal. If he crosses your path again one day then so be it, but for now it seems like you have a lot on your plate and you need to take care of you. I hope this can be some help to you, although, no words will be enough to bring you any sort of comfort for the pain you carry at the moment. Please take care of yourself.
Recommended Posts