Really need help with changes/boyfriend issues!

[Treasa]

This is really long, so please bear with me.

 

Soooo....my relationship with my boyfriend has been a turbulent one. He broke up with me more or less three times in our first four months of dating, but we got back together each time. He's a geek in every sense of the word. He's only had two girlfriends before me, both of whom broke up with him for other guys who are more typical. He's the type who plays D&D, talks about Star Wars incessantly, spends a lot of time playing video games, and really enjoys his time to himself. He works in a, well, mediocre job, lives at home, and is sort of into himself. He's always telling stories about himself and his friends. I've heard most of these stories at least 10 times each, but if it makes him happy telling them, then fine.

 

I think because of emotional abuse he suffered by his father, he developed an unhealthy view of sex. He thinks lusting after women is degrading to them, because his father hurt his mom by always going out and ogling strippers and whatnot. My boyfriend doesn't care for porn in the least. No, I'm being honest here. He's never had porn on his computers, I've asked him to watch it with me and he's refused, saying he'd rather use his imagination, and he never talks about women in a sexual way. He DOES get turned on by kissing me and fooling around with me, and in very trusting, safe moments I've asked if he's into men as well, and he's said he's not. He has male friends, but thinking about them in that way gives him the heebie jeebies. However, he has no issues with people being gay, so I don't think he's a closet homosexual or anything. I think he's just repressed sexually.

 

He has a lot of friends, both male and female, and is always the guy women say, "Oh, you're such a good FRIEND." I think this is because he's not your typical looker. He has a really pudgy face, a helmet-like haircut, a slight monobrow, and isn't terribly tall. However, *I* think he's handsome. I'm attracted to guys with a sense of humor and confidence, and I'm really attracted to smart guys, all of which he is.

 

When we first started dating he was the one pushing for the relationship, and I was sort of hanging back, because I was still getting over my ex. And yeah, he is sort of a commitmentphobe, but I think he's scared of getting hurt, like he was by his father and his first girlfriend, who dumped him for another guy.

 

Anyway, now that you know my background, here's what's been going on. Whenever I'm confident and act sort of aloof, he's all over me. When I try to become affectionate, he pulls away. However, that just feeds my insecurity and makes me cling tighter. This is really annoying for me, because normally I'm a very confident, strong person. Just not in relationships, apparently. And he's the kind of guy who wants someone who will be ok with him just doing his own thing and not being terribly demonstrative about his feelings. I think it's also related to his father's emotional abuse, which he's now free from. So anyway, he tells me he loves me, but that I need to have faith and be able to be happy even when he's not being romantic. Another thing that makes this worse is that he can get really moody sometimes, and if he has a bad day at work (which has been happening a lot lately), he will pull back completely and almost not even respond to me, especially if I try to talk about "us".

 

So lately he's really been pulling away and I've really been getting clingy. I finally took a step back, took a deep breath, and realized that, yeah, maybe he's not really into me, but that I don't really believe that. He calls me every night, he tells me he loves me, and I KNOW he isn't seeing anyone else. So then I start to reflect on myself. I'm always so scared about him breaking up with me again that I keep clinging and questioning him. I do it constantly. Well, I shouldn't say that. There have been times when I've been focused on my own life, and he and I have gotten along terrifically and things are awesome. This was as recently as two weeks ago. So I decided that I was tired of being scared of what might happen, I was tired of not trusting him (since we got back together, he hasn't given me any reasons not to trust him, and even when we were broken up he showed he cared about me by checking up on me), and I was tired of letting my life revolve around him.

 

I had all sorts of epiphanies. I started to feel great. The other night, the last time we talked, he was sort of moody, and I asked what was wrong. He told me that he was just really stressed out from work (he might be losing his job) and that he wasn't sure if he and I wanted the same things from a relationship. He also stressed that it wasn't that he was unhappy, and said repeatedly that he wasn't breaking up with me. I told him the things I had been thinking about, and who I'd really like to be. He said he'd be interested in seeing who I really want to be. I also mentioned that I had a lot to think about, and that he and I didn't have to see each other this week or talk every day. We left it on a decent note, both agreeing that we wanted to see what happens.

 

So last night, for the first time in months, he didn't call me. I'm struggling not to jump to conclusions, like he's suddenly out with another woman, because that is NOT him. He comes home, eats, and plays video games. I don't even know of another woman who's interested in him. So logically I know I'm jumping to conclusions. So then I think he wants to break up with me, but that doesn't sound right either, because he's the type to just do it, even if it causes pain, if he thinks it's the right thing to do. So even though the needy, insecure part of me doesn't want to buy it, I think maybe he's just trying to give me time to think, or maybe he was just stressed from work and tired (he had to open today, which is pretty early) and didn't want to talk. But the not knowing is driving me nuts, but I don't want to be clingy and insecure and call him. So I'm being insecure and posting here instead. I don't really know what to think, except that I truly love him, and myself, enough to let him go if that's the best thing.

 

I've been realizing, over the past few days, that I have a LOT going for myself. I'm ambitious, charming, bright, pretty, sexy, I have a college degree, a good job, no credit card debt, and a lot of friends. I have almost all of the same interests as him, such as roleplaying and Star Wars, and I've been very caring and supportive of him. So logically I know I need to work on my own problems and trust that things will work out, but his not calling me last night has me kind of worried, and it's a feeling I don't like, because it could have been for a good reason, such as giving me time and space to think.

 

God, that was long. I'm sorry about that. Thank you to anyone who's still with me on this. And no, I don't want to hear he's just not into me, because all things considered, I don't think that's the case.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Not that I am a whiz on relationships or anything, but my guess why he didn't call you yesterday is because you mentioned to him that you two didn't need to talk every day or see each other that week. I bet he took that to mean you wanted some space, and he was just abiding by your wishes.

 

In your posting, you used words like "turbulent" and "epiphanies." Most people wouldn't even know what the latter means. You are a well-educated, intelligent woman and he is lucky to have you. Don't forget that! I guess I kind of identify with you. That's what I keep telling myself regarding my own relationship situation (or lack thereof): I am a college grad- working on my masters... Men should be banging down doors for us! (And if you're bored you can read my posting from June 9th. I can use all the advice I can get....)

[Treasa]

Oops, forgot to add that when he made the comment about not knowing if we want the same things in a relationship, he was referring to me seemingly needing more affection than he does.

[ConfusedInOC]

Treasa, breaking up so many times during the course of a short relationship is a really bad sign.

 

Don't you deserve better? I think you do.

[Treasa]

Treasa, breaking up so many times during the course of a short relationship is a really bad sign.

 

 

We broke up three times in the first four months. In the remaining NINE months since getting back together the last time we haven't broken up.

 

You've read my posts. *poke* You know we've been together for over a year now. The breakups were because I was pressuring him and he was trying to back off and didn't know how to communicate to me that he needed to back off.

[Treasa]

Originally posted by oh_what_am_I_doing

Not that I am a whiz on relationships or anything, but my guess why he didn't call you yesterday is because you mentioned to him that you two didn't need to talk every day or see each other that week. I bet he took that to mean you wanted some space, and he was just abiding by your wishes.

 

Thank you for replying. I really hope you're right. I'm trying to change my behaviors, but it's hard when I want to just get scared, assume the worst, and start calling him and whining at him with questions.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Thanks for replying to my post, too. I know I need to just let go and move on because what's happening is wrong, but I don't know if I can do that yet. I haven't felt this way for someone is so long. I told him Monday that I was going on a blind date Friday, and tears welled up in his eyes. Obviously he has very strong feelings for me if that was his reaction. But you are right; if he's made the decision to stay with his long-distance girlfriend, I should just stop talking to him. That would be a whole lot easier to do if we still didn't have a class together summer quarter (and class sizes are 8-10 people so there will be no avoiding him)....

[Treasa]

It's really frustrating to be at war with yourself. One side of me is doing the "Oh, he probably found someone else and doesn't want me anymore...maybe I should call him and tell him how much I love him!!" and the other side, the side that's winning, is saying, "Oh no you DON'T, girl. Everything will be fine, be yourself, and enjoy your life. Now quit whining."

 

But....the truth is that I'm still wondering what's going on. I tend to think the worst of things in relationships, which is a sign of my very annoying insecurity. I hate it. I hate knowing that I'm my own worst enemy.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Treasa

But....the truth is that I'm still wondering what's going on. I tend to think the worst of things in relationships, which is a sign of my very annoying insecurity. I hate it. I hate knowing that I'm my own worst enemy.

 

Have you gone to Counseling to work on your self-esteem and self-confidence?

 

I tell the guys this, but it would work for you too. Whenever you interact with him or think about him think: CALM, CONFIDENT and SELF-ASSURED. In your replies and interactions with him, you should run them through those thoughts before replying. That will at least put you in the right frame of mind when dealing with him.

 

As for your self esteem and confidence, I think reading books on them might help. Go to Amazon and look up the most popular books on self-esteem and read them.

 

You will be your own worst enemy until you learn to love and accept who you are and realize you are in control of your own happiness, not someone else.

 

It wasn't until I understood that that I became more happier, more confident and more self-assured. It's when we place our happiness on other people's approval that we become slaves to them, in a sense.

 

There's so many things to understand, that's why I suggest the books. But it's basically:

1. Living in reality vs your perception of it.

2. Accepting and letting go of things you can not control.

3. Learning to deal with your fears (accept but do not succumb to them. Invite them as a challenge.)

4. Learning to take control of your own happiness and not seeking other's approval)

5. Learning to love and accept who you are.

 

 

There's much more, this just the basics. But insecurity from men or women is a complete turn off. Confidence is extremely sexy and if you display it to him you'll see his attitude change.

 

And once you respect yourself you'll find your outlook on the relationship will change.

 

I know you said you've been steady for a year but still, the relationship didn't start off on the right foot.

[Treasa]

I know my problems, I HAVE been to counseling, and I have read books. Countless times. They only help short-term, though. I actually have a lot of confidence in other areas of my life, and our relationship actually started out well, and only became kind of weird when I became attached and stopped being myself.

 

I guess my question or problem isn't about confidence, because that was what my epiphanies were about. I already know about that. I guess I'm just wondering why he didn't call last night, and whether or not I should be really concerned over it. Logically I don't think I should be. I'm at war with myself right now, although the secure, calm side seems to be winning out.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Treasa

I know my problems, I HAVE been to counseling, and I have read books. Countless times. They only help short-term, though. I actually have a lot of confidence in other areas of my life, and our relationship actually started out well, and only became kind of weird when I became attached and stopped being myself.

 

I guess my question or problem isn't about confidence, because that was what my epiphanies were about. I already know about that. I guess I'm just wondering why he didn't call last night, and whether or not I should be really concerned over it. Logically I don't think I should be. I'm at war with myself right now, although the secure, calm side seems to be winning out.

 

Sounds like you're on the right track then. Good luck.

[Treasa]

*long, dramatic sigh*

 

Thanks. But you never did answer my question. And after all those times I told you how cute you were, too.

[laRubiaBonita]

Originally posted by Treasa

*long, dramatic sigh*

 

Thanks. But you never did answer my question. And after all those times I told you how cute you were, too.

 

 

it just seems like You are doing too much work on this "relationship" that you are note even sure you Really want anyways.

 

in your first post you basically told us everything WRONG with dude. Sure you say you love him....but after a year with anyone, you do grow attached and begin to care.

 

Now really.......why are you with him? what are you gaing from this relationship?

 

Now is your time to ask yourself if you are satisfied. what if the currant status is the best your relationship will ever get? can you deal with that?

 

are you happy? i would say no, if you are questioning things.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by Treasa

*long, dramatic sigh*

 

Thanks. But you never did answer my question. And after all those times I told you how cute you were, too.

 

LOL. I don't know the answer so I can't tell you though I tend to agree with LRB.

[oopemily]

Hi girl

I relate to your story and id love to talk to you directly about our situations. I cant seem to send you a private message. i just joined..im not sure if its a mistake im making or if you prefer not to get them?