sos15 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Me and my ex-boyfriend have been in a relationship for almost 9 years, and the past 10 months we moved in together and shared an apartment. We broke up a month ago.. I had quit my job and was very depressed and trying to handle it, then he started changing , coming home late at 3am only not to interact with me, started drinking and smoking weed. He was this very shy and silent boy who I met in high school and suddenly everything changed. He said he wanted to break up, and told me I hadn't been the same since I lost my father 3 years ago, and ever since he tried to find a good time to let me know we were over. It was so hard for me to believe this since we always were stable and a role model for everyone. I noticed there is this other girl who he as been spending time with (one of his students) but he claimed she is just a friend he has so much in common with. He started talking to his family telling them we both agreed on breaking up and that it aint working, but I knew this other girl was in question, no one would believe me anyway. I moved out, it was painful, and I just had started a new job, he didnt even care if I had where to go, or how much a new apartment would cost me, he was totally different and cruel. My new apartment is very near his, and one night I just couldnt take it anymore and decided to show up (one week after we broke up), and pick up some stuff I had there, when I opened the door, there he was with this girl I was having my doubts on, I took a picture of them cause no one would believe me , and asked her to leave, and beat the **** out of him. I was the first girl he ever had, and I was never jealous of him because he never showed interest in other women , but now Im all confused and I pray its a phase, a rebound and I can still get back the love of my life. A week after I contacted him to go get my stuff, i was looking great and had this self-esteem mask on. He said he needed to ruin his life, and that he loves this new girl. He asked me not to focus on the past and told me "A beautiful ^ smart woman like you will find someone incredible within a month", on my way out he told me "**** it, not a month but in a week someone will fetch you,you look great", but underlined "even after 5 years if we are both single, we are done, you can only be my friend" He offered to help with my luggage but said he didnt want to know where I live. I told him "why? you scared you come to me when you're drunk" he laughed and insisted he didnt want to know, but I tricked him and he ended helping me to my apartment then he said bye. I miss him, but I have my doubts I will ever have a chance with him. His new girl is a geek just like him, his type of girl, and I think he is all over me :* I need some help from guys prespective! He was sweating last time I met, made sure he had ruined his life, so aware of thisand the fact that his family and friends have turned backs at him but refuses to fix anything. 1
K2z Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Lot of dysfunction going on here. The best conceivable thing you can do is cut him completely out of your life in every possible way for at least three months. Clear your head. Reclaim your thoughtspace. This state of mind is doing you no good in any sense.
Author sos15 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 I kind of have. I now am employed and have a really good job, I hit the gym, got new friends and never ever contacted him ever since, but it doesnt mean i am ready to move on nor forget him. Each time an opportunity appears on dating or stuff I feel like throwing up. He said he will try to hang out with me once a month, but it hasnt been a month yet, what should I do if he reaches me (which I highly doubt he will)
edel Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 "He said he wanted to break up, and told me I hadn't been the same since I lost my father 3 years ago, and ever since he tried to find a good time to let me know we were over." First of all, what a jerk move to use the death of your father to break up with you. He honestly doesn't seem like a nice guy, not sure what you're seeing in him. Second, seems like he's been done with the relationship for a long time. I know it hurts, but it's not just phase. He hasn't been in love with you for quite a while and he even has a new girlfriend. I know how hard this is (currently going through a breakup myself), but you need to let him go and move on. There is someone better for you out there and you'll only be unhappy if you hold on to this relationship, which is definitely over. 2
ShootingStarlet Posted March 26, 2016 Posted March 26, 2016 Drinking and smoking weed? Ew. Did he not get that over with when he was 19-21? Maybe he's having a sort of mid life crisis thing where he needs to be a single young adult. There's a silver lining, you're still young ! You are successful and you're probably pretty and fit and maybe spending your entire life with one person wasn't meant to happen to you, honestly that sort of feels a bit sad, I couldn't spend my entire life with just one big love relationship ever...but, maybe he did actually do you a favour, he realised you can do better, he doesn't want to do better, he wants to have a 'geeky' girl. You should watch the movie 'I Give it a Year' , makes you sometimes realise that what you thought was your match really wasn't , I really bet he wasn't your match and I bet you'll probably see him in 3 years and thank him for breaking up with you so that you weren't dealing with him anymore and you actually did find someone way more on your wavelength.
Author sos15 Posted March 26, 2016 Author Posted March 26, 2016 Thank You ShootingStarlet, I really appreciate your answer. Im the type of person who would rather cut her hands to fit the broken pieces than threw something broken away. It really pains me to give up from this relationship but right now im living with the flow. Right now I dont make plans for a longer period than the tomorrow, and I think i will let karma do its job. I have never contacted him in three weeks, and I can see he is having a really good time with his new girl, in our very apartment.. I understand she isnt the type of girl he would want to settle with, but its unfair to me to keep dealing with the past and wasting my life hanging. Yes, I still love him, and I think I always will, no matter the psychological torture he made me go through until I discovered the truth myself. About her, the homewrecker, I dont have the slightest will to downgrade to her level and deal with her. Their bliss will soon fade away, honeymoon period will pas, and Im sure I will be at a better place by then. But... my ego needs an apology from him, a sign of regret...
Orion39 Posted March 29, 2016 Posted March 29, 2016 Looking back at some of my past relationships I was a jerk. Overall I would say I'm a decent good person and always treated my gf's with respect-but in hindsight I wish I would have been better. I made things about me and failed to try and see the perspective from another point of view or just take pause. From a guy's pov I wonder if that is what is going on here. I'm not certain I can offer much beyond that. In a glance I saw someone else mention dysfunction and I would agree with that as well. There seems to be something going on that he needs to get control of and for now you are better off without that trouble in your life. 9 years is a long time, give him space and see if he come back around it it is something you want to try to save, but be prepared that it is something he is willing to move beyond.
Author sos15 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Why do you think he was so much bothered that someone would fetch me in a month/week????
Weathersf1 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Why do you think he was so much bothered that someone would fetch me in a month/week???? Its a defense mechanism response. He's feeling better and wants you to feel better so he does that by selling you hope for a better tomorrow. But he really doesn't want you find someone better than him. He cares but he really doesn't. Its hard to explain but as long as he's feeling OK, he wants you to feel OK as well but when he's not feeling OK, which we all know will happen. He wants you to be not too far ahead of his curve so even when you guys aren't together, you're still at the same stages dealing with the same challenges. You sound like a beautiful, smart girl. Move on, I know easier said than done but you know thats whats needed. Guy's a moron.
Author sos15 Posted April 1, 2016 Author Posted April 1, 2016 Everyone who knew us is shocked by this. His family are in grief because I loved and respected them each like my own family. The thing is I will always be in love with this guy, and I cant let it go that easily. All I need help in, is if he will ever regret it? Will he ever come to his senses?
Weathersf1 Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 Everyone who knew us is shocked by this. His family are in grief because I loved and respected them each like my own family. The thing is I will always be in love with this guy, and I cant let it go that easily. All I need help in, is if he will ever regret it? Will he ever come to his senses? The short answer "Yes he will" but that depends on what comes after you. If he finds what he believes is a more compatible match, then he won't. If he doesn't, then he will look back and feel remorse. You on the other hand, I can guarantee will find a better mate cause he will want to be with you as this guy doesn't. I can also guarantee, you will not love him forever. Not long from you now, you won't give a F**k about him. I'm in the same boat as you and I can start to slowly feel the tide shifting. The feelings will eventually go away and logic will prevail. 9 years is a long time so it won't happen overnight. BUT IT WILL HAPPEN
Omei Posted April 1, 2016 Posted April 1, 2016 So ****ty I'm sorry that happened to you It really does sounds like he's going through some mid life saga where he thinks he needs to change everything. Op I wouldn't be surprised if after he's had fun time he will try to crawl back because you're filmiliar. Do not take him back this will give the green light that it's acceptable and he will do something again in the future. **** him for blaming your fathers death a person who loves you won't put a time limit on your greving. Do not take him back ever he's a different guy now somewhere down the road he lost what was good about him. If he does "come to his senses" pleaseeee pleaseeeee don't take him back! You were thrown away....throw him away.
Author sos15 Posted April 2, 2016 Author Posted April 2, 2016 Im so confused right now. I wont take him back because I know he is too proud to ask to come back to me, even years after. Im tired of all the drama, I keep dreaming of his parents and im tired of receiving phone calls from my friends saying they saw Him together with that girl (friends who dont know we broke up yet) Is it called a rebound if he started hanging out with her before we ended it ? I like to think its a rebound because I keep reading they dont last..
rickdiculous Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 My 7 year relationship ended with him getting married to the rebound. I used to think, its just a rebound. Even if he did break up with his rebound, their would be another. Instead, I try to worry about myself. I just pretend he died. I wish I had more answers for you.
TheSwanGirl Posted April 2, 2016 Posted April 2, 2016 I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know how you feel, I know you want him back, you want him to realize it is a mistake, and you wish he would come back and appear at your door begging you for you to forgive him, to give him another chance. But I don't think that would happen in the near future. It seems he's trying to move on, to stop feeling that way, because he feels too guilty and just want you to move on so he can be with his new toy all happy and content. He doesn't want to think about his acts. He's playing the "you are so pretty, you will find someone better than me" card, so he can live his life at peace. If you want you can contact me. I'm going through the same thing.
mightycpa Posted April 3, 2016 Posted April 3, 2016 Hi, First of all, he's not in a rebound relationship. That happens when you get tossed, not when you do the tossing. If you get a new boyfriend right away, he'd be the rebound. That's why it doesn't last. The rebound is a transitional relationship. Second, I'm guessing you guys are mid 20's. If so, this is a perfectly natural time for one or both of you to find someone else at this time in your life. Hate to say it, but that's usually what happens. Third, you'll never forget him, but you will eventually be able to go years without ever thinking of him. You may always feel like you love him, but what you'll really love is the memory of who he was. Twenty years from now, you won't know what he's really like anymore. Last, it doesn't matter if he will regret it or not. By the time he does, you'll be over it, and will have moved on. You're never going to figure it out, until one day, when you've experienced enough life to look back, you'll know that this is the way it goes, even if you don't quite understand what happened in your particular case. People change, even the best of us. Good luck to you. You'll change too, and I have no doubt you'll be all right in the long run. In the short run, this is going to feel really bad. Hang in there. 3
Author sos15 Posted April 4, 2016 Author Posted April 4, 2016 I had been doing NC for a month now. I have deactivated my facebook account and was being active only on Instagram. Yesterday after I posted this picture of me attending a wedding where I took care of looking stunning, I realized he unfollowed me.It really broke my heart since it was the only place where we still could reach each other. Q: Why did he do that now, weeks after we broke up, did my post bother him or is his new girlfriend giving him command to do so?
keiji Posted April 4, 2016 Posted April 4, 2016 (edited) I had been doing NC for a month now. I have deactivated my facebook account and was being active only on Instagram. Yesterday after I posted this picture of me attending a wedding where I took care of looking stunning, I realized he unfollowed me.It really broke my heart since it was the only place where we still could reach each other. Q: Why did he do that now, weeks after we broke up, did my post bother him or is his new girlfriend giving him command to do so? Dumpers hurt too. Seeing you looking stunning and happy in that picture was probably painful to him. Just guessing, of course, but it makes sense to me. I was the dumpee and two months ago (around three post-breakup) my ex-gf said that the idea of me sleeping with someone else was unbearable to her. Edited April 4, 2016 by keiji
Author sos15 Posted April 5, 2016 Author Posted April 5, 2016 Just this morning I saw them kissing in front of what used to be our apartment, when she left I stood by him and hardly managed to get a "hi" and "bye" out of my mouth. I enjoyed witnessing that, because im still fool enough to believe that our "love" or whatever we had shall conquer. I was made of stone, to be able to afford all this..
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