Unclear about my ex's thoughts and feelings, do I contact her?

March 20, 2016

My girlfriend and I were going out for around 5 months but then she called it off because she needs to deal with some personal issues, and she keeps on reassuring me that it has nothing to do with me. Anyway, about 2 weeks after we broke up, she messaged me and was all nice to me saying things like we should hang out and I miss you. But then two days later, she was hesitant when I brought up the idea of seeing each other on the weekend. Since we broke up, she has been saying how she still loves me but needs time to gather her thoughts. She says she wants us to work out in the future but right now, its not the time.

She went clubbing on the weekend and I saw her making out with another guy in the background. I was distraught. I am so confused how she wants us to work out and she needs time to sort her head out yet she's happy to go out and make out with other guys?!?

I don't know if she's stringing me along or not? Or if I should just give her more time? I am trying NC but it is very hard.

Any advice or thoughts?

March 20, 2016

Dude...No Contact! Learn it, live it, love it (not really love it, but you get it). Your psyche, sleep cycle, and appetite will thank you later for it.

March 20, 2016

She was letting you down easy. She wanted to fool around with other guys.

March 20, 2016

Don't believe the words.

Believe the actions.

March 20, 2016

First of all, don't listen to what she's saying. Pay attention to what she's doing. This is the golden rule of communication. People will do only what they really want, but they will say all sorts of **** to avoid any kind of emotional confrontation. They pretty much hope that you'll put 2 and 2 together and spare them the discomfort of spelling it out for you. There's fewer questions to answer that way. From her perspective, you're like a poor little puppy dog following her around, and she's trying to figure out a way to get rid of you without appearing to be mean.

In other words, she's done with you, except for the stringing along part.

You can do what you've been doing, or you can do the no contact thing or there's a third way, if you're interested in changing the lens through which she sees you and maybe making her feel a little bit of what you're feeling now. You'd do it by wielding the power of least interest.

Tell her (via text, of course) that you've been thinking about things, and as long as you're being honest with each other, then instead of hanging out and pretending you're friends, you'd just prefer to have her company in bed every couple of weeks. Tell her that way, she wouldn't have to worry about dating you, or sleepovers, or social interaction of any kind. She can take all the time and space she wants. Tell her that she can even have a boyfriend, you don't care and you won't interfere with that. Tell her that what you've realized is that what you're really going to miss about your relationship is the sex, and what would make you happy is to keep that part of the relationship going, maybe once every two or three weeks. Suggest something like every other Tuesday night, and she can be back home by 11PM.

The risk to you is that she'll go for it, which, in the whole scheme of things is probably not the worst thing in the world, except for your bruised ego and feelings. Plus, you'll find out that you're in love with one of those kinds of girls. The beauty of doing this is that with this request, you are essentially telling her (without actually saying it) that being with her didn't mean much to you at all, that your relationship was all about sex, and that this is the kind of girl that you think she is. It will be time for her to put 2 and 2 together.

She'll probably get pissed off, but that's ok, because remember, she's done with you anyway. You're just helping her rearrange the ideas she's got in her head. If she complains to you, act like you don't understand what the big deal is, you thought you were having an open, honest conversation about where your relationship goes from here. Then tell her to calm down and to think about it, and to get back to you if she's interested.

Pretty harsh, but it stops the **** she's been torturing you with.

Edited March 20, 2016 by mightycpa

March 23, 2016

So my girlfriend and I were going out for 5 months but then broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because she was dealing with some personal issues. She says she tried to make it work with me being her boyfriend but she says she feels we had to break up so she can deal with her issues. She says it didn't feel right between us like there was a "spark" missing.

Just over a week ago, she text me and told me that she heard I rejected a girl at a party (which I did) and she was saying how happy she was I did that. She started saying she doesn't want anyone else apart from me and she doesn't really want to get over me because she wants to be with me eventually but right now she can't. That evening, we were talking about what we were doing this weekend and I told her I was invited to a party but I'm not really in the mood for going to it. She said to me "maybe we should go into town and do something nice". So I said to her "just the two of us" and she replies saying "yes I'm asking you on a date xoxo". She suggested ideas which are very coupley and not something you would do with any friend of yours.

About 2 days later after all this, she was being very off again and acting like she didn't want to talk to me or see me. I am very confused because not too long ago, she was saying how she misses me and was saying things like "omg I can't get over how cute our Valentine's photos are".

I want her back. I really do. I am just so unclear and confused about what she wants. She is not a bad person. She is genuinely a good person and cares for me but I don't think she realises how many mixed messages she is sending me. I really want to call her and clear up exactly what she wants because atm I am confused.

Do I call her? We haven't been in contact really at all for the past week but I have so many questions I need cleared up. I need to know whether she sees something eventually or if we both need to move on?

Thoughts?

March 23, 2016

She's feeding you a line of bs dude. You want to know what's happening? She wasn't fully into being with you in a relationship, but she doesn't want you to go out and hook up with anyone else or start to like another girl just in case she feels lonely in a couple weeks/Months and decides to get back with you, or if the guy she's crushing on doesn't pan out, she can pick you right back up off the shelf.

You're falling for the nonsense. The way you know it is when she will tell you she misses you or that she wants to go on a date, but she also makes sure to include saying "I'm just not ready yet to date anyone, I need some time to work out some stuff..... But we can still hang out u kno"

You run to her and tell her that you're not gonna go to a party? So she knows that you'll drop having a fun time with friends and other girls hitting on you just because you want to make your ex think you're a great guy.

Screw that. The way you get her back is by going to those parties. It's by letting her tell you she heard you turned down a girl and responding with "better figure your **** out quick then, cuz I can't turn them all down forever"

March 23, 2016

She's feeding you a line of bs dude. You want to know what's happening? She wasn't fully into being with you in a relationship, but she doesn't want you to go out and hook up with anyone else or start to like another girl just in case she feels lonely in a couple weeks/Months and decides to get back with you, or if the guy she's crushing on doesn't pan out, she can pick you right back up off the shelf.

You're falling for the nonsense. The way you know it is when she will tell you she misses you or that she wants to go on a date, but she also makes sure to include saying "I'm just not ready yet to date anyone, I need some time to work out some stuff..... But we can still hang out u kno"

You run to her and tell her that you're not gonna go to a party? So she knows that you'll drop having a fun time with friends and other girls hitting on you just because you want to make your ex think you're a great guy.

Screw that. The way you get her back is by going to those parties. It's by letting her tell you she heard you turned down a girl and responding with "better figure your **** out quick then, cuz I can't turn them all down forever"

Amen brother. AMEN

March 23, 2016

Do not be a backup guy she doesn't want you to move on because if you do well then whatever doesn't workout for her she's on her own!

At the moment she knows you are there

Go to the party have , fun ! Do not contact her !

March 23, 2016

So my girlfriend and I were going out for 5 months but then broke up with me about 3 weeks ago because she was dealing with some personal issues. She says she tried to make it work with me being her boyfriend but she says she feels we had to break up so she can deal with her issues. She says it didn't feel right between us like there was a "spark" missing.

Just over a week ago, she text me and told me that she heard I rejected a girl at a party (which I did) and she was saying how happy she was I did that. She started saying she doesn't want anyone else apart from me and she doesn't really want to get over me because she wants to be with me eventually but right now she can't. That evening, we were talking about what we were doing this weekend and I told her I was invited to a party but I'm not really in the mood for going to it. She said to me "maybe we should go into town and do something nice". So I said to her "just the two of us" and she replies saying "yes I'm asking you on a date xoxo". She suggested ideas which are very coupley and not something you would do with any friend of yours.

About 2 days later after all this, she was being very off again and acting like she didn't want to talk to me or see me. I am very confused because not too long ago, she was saying how she misses me and was saying things like "omg I can't get over how cute our Valentine's photos are".

I want her back. I really do. I am just so unclear and confused about what she wants. She is not a bad person. She is genuinely a good person and cares for me but I don't think she realises how many mixed messages she is sending me. I really want to call her and clear up exactly what she wants because atm I am confused.

Do I call her? We haven't been in contact really at all for the past week but I have so many questions I need cleared up. I need to know whether she sees something eventually or if we both need to move on?

Thoughts?

You received some pretty good advice in your other thread, ("Saw my ex-girlfriend making out with another guy") to which you have not responded. Why not, may I ask?

Really, you should address the issue head on and accept that you are finished, she is your ex- and there is no grounds for any form of communication whatsoever.

March 23, 2016

I'm sure she's the sweetest kindest person you've ever met and apart from leaving you, she's been perfect in every way. Hell, even the fact she's reaching out just proves what a pure angel she is. Now take off the rose tinted love specs and note that fact that if she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. Simple as that. Personal issues, well we all have them, but we also share them with loved ones. We do not let personal issues push people away, definitely not people we supposedly love. Would you be able to push her away due to personal issues?

I would say that she's keen to keep you there and will continue to reach out... right up until the moment she herself meets a new guy at a party and doesn't turn him down. Then you try contacting her with the same bread crumbs and see what happens. Do what others have said and go live your life. You're single, she saw to that, her decision, not yours. Many times when we're dumped we'll hang around, orbit them, feed off their breadcrumbs just because we hope by doing so they'll eventually come back. It never ever works that way. They made a decision to leave when we were Mr Confident, so they're not likely to come back when we're Mr Clingy and Desperate. Walk away, make it clear you're living your life to it's fullest and stop eating those breadcrumbs. She left you, so it's up to her to come crawling, begging and pleading to get you back.

March 23, 2016

Do you think I should call her and just clarify that it's best we move on? Because I still have questions I really need answers to for closure?

March 23, 2016

Then go ahead. I did it, asked everything I felt I needed to ask. She'll give you the least awkward answers anyway. Probably a few lies to soften the blow and feel less guilty. Two months from now you'll be wondering what "really" happened again. Make sure it's the last conversation you have on the subject and move on.

March 23, 2016

Samsmith12 - this sounds extremely similar to what I have been through.

How old are you both?

Mine was 6 months and it was a whirlwind at the start. She then got cold feet, gave her a bit of space then she was awesome again. Then she went cold again etc etc etc

2 weeks before we broke up she spent a fortune on my birthday. In the end I think it made her realise she didn't want that.

Eventually she said the spark had gone and she didn't know what to do. Said she really liked me etc - all the normal ****.

Truth is mate if she's anything like mine she isn't ready to settle down and be with someone. It's a big commitment and one that you (like me) won't understand.

Go NC with her, if she wants to be with you, she will chase you. It's what I did to mine and she hasn't made any contact since the day we broke up. Absolute killer but I would rather know than put pressure on her and delay the inevitable.

Cut your losses, take the pain now. You'll be better off for it in the long run

March 23, 2016

Do you think I should call her and just clarify that it's best we move on?

No.

She IS moving on. It's you who has stuck.

Because I still have questions I really need answers to for closure?

Closure from our ex is a non-existent and totally elusive luxury.

They don't give you closure.

YOU - give you closure.

As the NC GUide says: Closure is like vomit: It's nasty stuff and it comes form within. And you do it yourself.

March 23, 2016

JoeBloggs91 - We are both 18 years old. How old are you and your ex?

I am taking on board everyone's advice. I think I am just struggling to accept the fact that it is over and that's the hardest part. I will try NC (properly). If she does so happen to message me during the NC period, do I respond? Or do I ignore it? Or is it completely dependent on what she has written?

March 23, 2016

Acceptance is the hardest part... often the part that keeps us reaching out and clawing onto that rock face when the mountain is all but crumbling down around us. If she gets in touch then you need to decide if you read what she says, or listen to it and then also decide if you respond. But you have to remember that unless she's at your door begging for you back, willing to go out of her way to make up for leaving you, then anything else is just breadcrumbs and she's only doing it to get her ego fix from you. Dumpers do that all the time - they don't want us, but they also don't want us to stop wanting them. Follow the NC guide and good luck.

March 23, 2016

I have just turned 25 and she has just turned 22 - she's at an age where she wants and needs to do her own thing after being in a long term relationship before she met me.

If you are both 18 then you've got your whole life ahead of you. When I was 18 I went on my first boys holiday. Hit up some clubs, do all the stuff 18 year old lads should do.

March 23, 2016

I am taking on board everyone's advice. I think I am just struggling to accept the fact that it is over and that's the hardest part. I will try NC (properly). If she does so happen to message me during the NC period, do I respond?

No. Read the NC GUide.

Or do I ignore it?

Read the NC Guide.

Or is it completely dependent on what she has written?

Yes. Read the NC Guide.

It's all in there, every single thing you need to help you move on and get closure for yourself.

March 28, 2016

JoeBloggs91 - We are both 18 years old. How old are you and your ex?

I am taking on board everyone's advice. I think I am just struggling to accept the fact that it is over and that's the hardest part. I will try NC (properly). If she does so happen to message me during the NC period, do I respond? Or do I ignore it? Or is it completely dependent on what she has written?

You ignore it. The only way you gain leverage back on your behalf is by being in control of whether or not you talk to her. If she messages you and you don't respond, then she will start to realize that she's got some work to do and effort to put in if she really does want to reconcile. If you ignore her and she makes no attempt to get ahold of you, or reach out to you, etc... Then it's pretty obvious she's not as emotionally interested in you as you are towards her.

Start facing the reality of moving on when you know the person you like doesn't like you back or at the same level your at. If your 18 then I'll ask you to think about the couples or friends you have that are with people who everyone knows who controls the relationship. For example, if there's a girl who's a junior and she's dating a popular senior who everyone knows cheats on her and flirts with other girls. Yet the girl chooses to stay with him and not believe it when her friends or others tell her that her BF is hooking up with others.

Or the guy who is totally whipped by his gf and can't hang out with his friends if a girl his gf doesn't like will be there. Do you have a high level of respect for those people? Or do you roll your eyes when thinking about it?

This is what you're appearing to be in your ex's eyes. Along with everyone else around you. Everyone else knows or is aware that she hooked up with that guy when you witnessed it. Or that she's hooking up/into other guys. Meanwhile, you're still holding onto hope that she'll come back to you. Screw that. Don't be that guy man. Please. It's just going to make you instill defeated mentality within yourself going forward.

This is ALL you need to know.

1. Your gf stopped being interested/attracted to you enough to tell you she wanted to break up/take a break.

2. You literally witnessed her in the arms of another guy.

End of story.

Doesn't matter if you saw her lips touch his or not. If she could even place herself in that kind of intimate closeness with another guy, then she'll never develop the feelings you want her to have for you again. It's over man. Sorry. It sucks but I'd rather you just fake it and go out with your friends, enjoying your senior year, than being the guy who your buddies rip on behind your back because you're depressed over a girl who has no interest in you yet you can't see that

March 29, 2016

I can see how that is hard, especially seeing her at the club. I never liked hearing the I need space and time to figure things out. However, if this is something that you would like to see happen respect her wishes and give her that space. See if you can connect once a week, go out to dinner/coffee. Something that gives you the opportunity to talk. Aside from that don't reach out to her anymore than she does you via text or other methods.

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Unclear about my ex's thoughts and feelings, do I contact her?

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