robwj86 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Hello, I usually never seek the internet for advice but I am in a bit of a rough position and had to seek advice out somewhere since it is a unique situation I have no one to go to about. I have found myself in a position with this girl. She has been dating my friend for two years, and over the years we have become friends ourselves, and more recently even consider each other best friends now VERY close with each other. There was a night we all went out drinking, went back to their place and I kissed her twice because I was very drunk while my friend was briefly out of the room and she allowed it. Obviously the alcohol had a lot to do with that. The following day I told her in case she didn't remember and I sincerely apologized telling her I was not trying to take advantage of her. She responded saying she wasn't sure if it was real or a dream because she then admitted she has had dreams like that before with me. So she was in no way upset that I did what I did. I have always loved her as a friend but since that drunk night of kissing her, it sparked something in me and got me thinking about what she actually means to me leading me to realize I am in love with her (sounds crazy but since then we have been more open than ever with each other). We have always been open with each other and have gotten very very close, more than regular friends do especially these last few weeks after the kiss. I have expressed my feelings to her so she knows and is not mad at me in any way about it nor feels any discomfort. She just does not want for things to blow up between all of us being friends including her bf/my friend. Ever since then we flirt with each other a lot and she has admitted through text that if I were to do something dumb and drunk again she would not hold it against me, she mentioned she would want to but obviously cannot because of her relationship. Hell she told me if I was the one to meet her first I very well would be with her now. But she is already in this relationship so it is just not easy to drop everything. I have made sure she knows I am not trying to make her do anything bad or immoral. She has opened up to me about certain issues she has with her bf. Things she deserves to have but just does not work with this guy that a normal healthy relationship needs. He is in no way a bad person. But she deserves someone who can give her these things without feeling like they HAVE to. There have been trust issues with him lately too where he just does not trust her but she is very trustworthy, and I have told her maybe I should not come over to our weekly hang outs anymore. She responded that I cannot do that and up and disappear. I told her if I continue to come over my feelings will only grow for her. She seems fine with the feelings I have and that I told her all about them. As long as things do not get weird between all of us and ruin anything. She has said she has feelings she cannot admit because it'll betray her relationship. And I will note that she is not just using me for attention she craves, I would be able to tell and she has been very honest about everything. Her bf was getting suspicious of her texting, and we text everyday now and talk on the phone a lot which she deletes in case he goes through her phone. So she seems that she thinks it is very important that we continue to communicate because of how close we got and it is not fair for us to not be allowed to do these things, so we text and talk all the time and occasionally meet up behind his back to continue our friendship and she openly tells me any issues she is having in that relationship of theirs. Even things not related she has told me about her personal life before him. It sounds bad because it is behind his back but none of this would be considered wrong if he did not have crazy trust issues. We aren't doing anything to be considered unfaithful to their relationship so she is not cheating on him at all and I am respecting that while she is still in this relationship. But it has gotten to a point where I feel like these issues she has in this current relationship do not seem like they can be fixed and I do not want her STUCK in this when she deserves a lot more. Again he does not treat her BAD, there is just a lot that is lacking in this relationship especially after two years. I obviously want more than anything in the world to get a chance to be with her. She has not had the best relationships in the past and this current one has made her a better person she feels yes but still she deserves more from what she tells me. I really do believe she has feelings back towards me that are more than friend-zone feelings even though she feels she cannot come out and say or express them like I have. We talk about a lot between each other more than a normal friendship would contain. Like I said she admitted if I beat my friend to meeting her, there is a very big chance we would be together. I am not just trying to steal a girl, I am not trying to come across as a selfish jerk about it. But she is literally the greatest person I have ever met and any moment I talk or see her is the greatest joy. Her bf has no idea about us being this close as friends because she is worried he would freak out and it would all just blow up into a big mess. I can understand she is not trying to just end this relationship out of the blue but I want to show her that she deserves much better and more in a relationship. The fact that she talks and sees me behind his back shows me that this isn't just a typical scenario. She definitely has feelings towards me but is trying not to feel like a bad person. She is giving into his requests of her respecting him more, which what she told me was outrageous. He is making her feel like she is doing something wrong when she isn't. Outside of us talking "behind his back" again it is nothing even close to cheating so it is all harmless, he has trust issues. He GPS tracked her phone for the longest time and finally she turned it off after I told her she deserved her own privacy without him tracking her every move. Our last weekend hang out I hugged her that he saw through the window as he took the trash out and apparently get got VERY upset from that. It was only a side friendly hug so i didn't make a move or anything let alone it being a "half" hug. I have not done anything inappropriate since that drunken kiss. But that is an example of his trust issues. She doesn't seem to be allowed to have good friends that are guys without him freaking out. But basically what I am getting at is, how can I show her she deserves better? Without being too much of a horrible person I care about her too much. I have given her personal gifts to show her how much she means to me that she kept and hides from him. She allows these things from me not because she wants to be secretive but because I know I mean a lot to her and she tells me all the time how she thinks I am one of the greatest people she has ever known. She is for me too. I am in love with her but am in a very rough position. I want to get her to realize on her own about how much happier she can be in a relationship and that she deserves more. Time is of course key I do know there will be a lot of patience needed for this. But I am seeking advice for this. I think she knows she would have a more fulfilling relationship with me than she currently has but she feels stuck because her current bf has been good to her but not giving things that are needed. She claims she is working on it but it does not seem to me things are getting better. I obviously am friends with this guy but in the end she deserves the happiness she isn't quite getting. To ensure I get my point across to those who may think she only wants a good friendship with me, there have been so many signs or hints that she does have feelings for me that are more than a friend but she does not feel she can admit it WHILE in a relationship. We both know we would be amazing together but she seems afraid to fix her current situation by leaving her bf at least right now. She tells me there are a lot of arguments about things between them which to me sounds not worth continuing to be in something that leads to this. I guess that is the best I can explain my situation. I cannot just move on and let her go because we are so close and I promised I would not just get out of the picture (even tho I have told her maybe I should and that is the best way to let her go) and she does not want me to. She is under a lot of stress with what she is receiving from him. I want to do all that I can to help her. To show her I am there for her and care about her so much always which she knows. But I want her to get the message that she can be so much happier and she DESERVES it. Again she isn't UNhappy, she is just not getting all she deserves in a relationship and I am not trying to be a bad person here I just care about her so much and feel like I have to do something about it. Obviously not over night but I want to get something going in her head and thoughts. Straight up telling her this would not work at all because of her feeling stuck, and if she wants a more solid relationship something must change. She has to realize this herself. Me telling her all of this will just give her anxiety and more stress that she does not need. Any advice would be very helpful on what I can do to help her realize all of this. Thank you very much Edited March 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs ~6
Country_Girl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Just a few words of advice: 1. Paragraphs Please! My eyes bleed just reading that. 2. She is not into you. Not enough to leave her boyfriend. He is providing something you can't right now (don't know what that is), but it's not enough for her to leave her current bf. Right now, you are offering emotional support. The current bf doesn't do that, so you are her scape goat. She's going to end up leaving him and you both. I'm not saying this to be mean, I've just seen it happen, time & time again...
SammySammy Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Don't do this. When I was much younger, my then best friend introduced me to his new girlfriend. Long story short, we began to hang out, she got to know me, eventually decided she liked me better than my friend. She actually left my friend for me. It was flattering at first because I was the "better" man. Karma is a bi+c# though. Lost my best friend, lost my other male friends, and eventually lost that girl who I never really trusted or respected. One of the worst mistakes of my life. Bad juju, man. Don't do it. Secondly, don't save her. If she really deserved a better relationship, she would have one. All of that negative talk she does behind her boyfriend's back, she'll do to you. The truth of the matter is no man or woman can be all things to their partner. You're no better than him. If you are better than him, get your own girl. That way, you'll have a girlfriend, best friend and your female friend. Not to mention your self-respect. 1
TheFinalWord Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Your a back-up plan in case the BF doesn't work out. You're also moving deeper into the friend zone if you let her talk about problems with her BF (that's what she does with her girlfriends). If you keep doing that, you will go from back-up to only friends. Don't talk to her about her BF or begin to fantasize yourself into that role. At this point, you are a back up that she can have around just in case. And you are also someone that she can complain about her BF too, and keep you on a string. If you can't handle it, for your own sanity, I would just tell her sorry I can't see us as only friends. However, if things don't work out with Joe X, contact me and we can arrange a date. Be nice about it, but be authoritative. Make it very clear you are cutting her off and she should only contact you after she has broken up with her BF. In the meantime, date other women. She's taken. If she breaks up with the guy, she can then contact you. The ball is in her court. Don't stay fixated on this person. Edited March 23, 2016 by TheFinalWord
Toodaloo Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Don't do this. When I was much younger, my then best friend introduced me to his new girlfriend. Long story short, we began to hang out, she got to know me, eventually decided she liked me better than my friend. She actually left my friend for me. It was flattering at first because I was the "better" man. Karma is a bi+c# though. Lost my best friend, lost my other male friends, and eventually lost that girl who I never really trusted or respected. One of the worst mistakes of my life. Bad juju, man. Don't do it. Secondly, don't save her. If she really deserved a better relationship, she would have one. All of that negative talk she does behind her boyfriend's back, she'll do to you. The truth of the matter is no man or woman can be all things to their partner. You're no better than him. If you are better than him, get your own girl. That way, you'll have a girlfriend, best friend and your female friend. Not to mention your self-respect. Read this over again and again. This is what happens. She is not all that into you anyway and you would just be the stop gap until someone else comes along. If she really wanted out she would be out of that relationship. Slowly cut back on the texts and calls and fade away. Go find another girl who is single and has morals. This one isn't bothered that she was flirting with being with another guy while going out with someone else. If she is that cavalier now she will continue to be so even if she does end up with you. It might hurt to walk away but it will hurt a whole heap more to stay. Damage control. Walk away.
Tahirthegreat Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Leave her alone, she deserves the relationship she allows herself to be in. Dont try and be the white knight
Tribble Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 No wonder her bf doesn't trust her. You say she's trustworthy but everything you say above proves that she isn't. If you're in a relationship and feel you need to hide something from your partner, you're doing something wrong. You shouldn't be kissing someone, saying if they make a move when drunk that you won't mind, have secret conversations with them. No. Just no. If he is being unreasonable and not letting her have friends, she should leave. But it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like he has a problem with you and her being friends. Which he should. It is inappropriate. It is not up to you to make her see she deserves better and I'm kind of wondering if she even does. You have an ulterior motive here. I know it's hard. But like others said, leave her alone. Tell her you can't be her close friend any more and find someone else. Date. Find yourself a girl who isn't taken.
LoveRefreshed Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 That was too much to read because I didn't have to go far. 1. Friend's gf 2. You kissed her. 3. She likes it because she had dreams about you 4. Excuse: BF doesn't trust her but she's trustworthy Done. You are having or wanting an affair with your 'friends' girlfriend. You're not being a very good friend and she's not being a good girlfriend. Both of you should come clean to your friend if you care at all because whoever does it first is going to probably stay friends with that person. Good luck, I wouldn't put too much of yourself out there for a girl who acts like this while having a bf. 1
Kamille Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 What Tribble says. The boyfriend has trust issues because she's considering cheating on him with you. The boyfriend has trust issues because she is hiding your "friendship" from him. If she is as loyal and trustworthy as you make her out to be, she would end the relationship with this poor guy before encouraging you to pursue her. The fact that she has you both on tenterhooks suggests she cares very little about his or your wellbeing. And it's a cliché in situations like these, but it's a cliché for a reason: say you end up with her. Will you be able to trust her, knowing how she carried on with you behind her boyfriend's back?
Leigh 87 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Women who truly want to leave their bfs do it. My friend cheated on her ex after 3 years. She just kissed the guy but she confessed right away and ended up leaving the guy she cheated on a month later to be with the new guy. Who she's with years later.
Leigh 87 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 When I wanted to leave my recent ex, I did it. The day I truly felt the bad outweighed the good, it was over. I ended it. The times I wanted to leave an ex but didn't feel I deserved better, I didn't leave. It was all talk. The other guy was disappointed.
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