Boyfriend not wanting to spend Easter w/ family?

March 24, 2016

I'm also just concerned if he doesn't show up then my parents are going to have a negative opinion of him and think that he doesn't want to bother putting in as much effort into the relationship as I have, which is a legitimate concern, I do want my parents to like him. At the same time though, if he decides to go but then acts disinterested and bored, maybe it's best he doesn't show up...

March 24, 2016

I'm also just concerned if he doesn't show up then my parents are going to have a negative opinion of him and think that he doesn't want to bother putting in as much effort into the relationship as I have, which is a legitimate concern, I do want my parents to like him. At the same time though, if he decides to go but then acts disinterested and bored, maybe it's best he doesn't show up...

Next time don't mention it to your parents... until he gives you a definite yes.

As for this time, if he decides not to go, just tell them something came up and he couldn't make it. Next time!

They really should NOT take issue with that AT ALL!!

He's not your husband for heaven's sake.

March 24, 2016

The general consensus that I've gathered from this thread is that some people think it's not a big deal and that I shouldn't worry about his response and other people think I have a legitimate reason to be concerned and a right to feel worried/hurt.

So I don't know what to think

March 24, 2016

I just want to address that I realize I can't ever MAKE my boyfriend do anything. I certainly am not going to make him come over or threaten him with empty threats over this. I was just wondering if I have a legitimate reason to be concerned at him not wanting to spend one free day, which also happens to be a holiday, with my family. Now I freely admit that this is because he has his own place and I don't and thus we have more privacy at his place, but I'm pretty much the one in the relationship that consistently makes the 4 hour round trip so we can see each other. I've driven up in the past just to help him move into his new apartment because I knew it would mean a lot to him, even if I didn't necessarily find it fun or exciting. My mom mentioned that since I visit him so frequently he should make the effort to spend one day with us down here and I'm wondering if she has some insight into this.

I had no idea you were constantly making 4 hour trips to see him - your OP read to me like both of you lived in city A, and your parents lived in city B that was 2 hrs away.

The bolded changes everything IMO. If you are always the one driving to him and he can't even reciprocate two times, it sounds concerning. But my concern would be about the unequal investment in general, not about Easter in particular.

March 24, 2016

You are getting different responses because we are all different, have different expectations and need different things from our partners in our relationships.

Did you really think there was gonna be one universal answer that works for everyone?

What you should do is whatever feels right to YOU, whatever YOU feel comfortable with.

Because at the end of the day, YOU are the one dating him, not any of us!

March 24, 2016

I stand on my initial position. On 1 hand he could make an effort and please you, his girlfriend. On the other hand he has the easy way out, laziness.

Now that you are confirming that you are the one making most of the efforts in this relationship It solidifies my first impression of him.

There are men that will make that effort to make you feel special. There is no place for selfishness in a romantic relationship. He is young, he's got plenty of energy to make a day trip just to be with you because it's a day that means a lot to you.

Now, I have had a look at your history and this man is a commitment phobe. After 7 months dating and 3 months of exclusivity I think it's time to assess if this is the man you've been waiting for.

March 24, 2016

I stand on my initial position. On 1 hand he could make an effort and please you, his girlfriend. On the other hand he has the easy way out, laziness.

Now that you are confirming that you are the one making most of the efforts in this relationship It solidifies my first impression of him.

There are men that will make that effort to make you feel special. There is no place for selfishness in a romantic relationship. He is young, he's got plenty of energy to make a day trip just to be with you because it's a day that means a lot to you.

Now, I have had a look at your history and this man is a commitment phobe. After 7 months dating and 3 months of exclusivity I think it's time to assess if this is the man you've been waiting for.

OP, I gotta say, although I disagreed with Gaeta earlier, after reading your history with this guy, and that it appears you are the one making most of the effort, she has a point!!

But before I make my final call ....can you share with us some of the ways he DOES show he cares and makes you feel special? His actions?

And I don't mean calling you beautiful, you are the perfect girl, etc.

Words don't mean jack shyt unless backed up by actions.

So what do his actions say?

Can you share some of those?

Edited March 24, 2016 by katiegrl

March 24, 2016

I know, he's admitted that commitment makes him nervous so I backed off and gave him his own time to think about whether he really wanted to be in a serious relationship with me, and he said yes which makes me think that he took time to contemplate what being in a relationship means but who knows with men Although his mom did tell me last weekend that I've been around longer than any of his other past girlfriends, which at 7 months of seeing each other...isn't really impressive.

I don't doubt that he cares for me, this past V-day he got me some very special gifts that were pretty personal and took me out to a scenic picnic. So like I said, I don't doubt that he cares for me, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still putting more effort into the relationship...

March 24, 2016

sometimes I wonder if I'm still putting more effort into the relationship...

In these situations, I always recommend some analysis. I've felt this way in relationships and I often found that I was overlooking things she did and not counting it. When women have raised that same concern with me, we sat down together and analyzed the situation. It's easy for us to overlook some of the things the other person does. Ironically for this thread, women often overlook that I do 90%+ of the driving in a relationship.

March 24, 2016

I know, he's admitted that commitment makes him nervous so I backed off and gave him his own time to think about whether he really wanted to be in a serious relationship with me, and he said yes which makes me think that he took time to contemplate what being in a relationship means but who knows with men Although his mom did tell me last weekend that I've been around longer than any of his other past girlfriends, which at 7 months of seeing each other...isn't really impressive.

I don't doubt that he cares for me, this past V-day he got me some very special gifts that were pretty personal and took me out to a scenic picnic. So like I said, I don't doubt that he cares for me, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still putting more effort into the relationship...

Do you plan on moving out of your parents' house soon? If you do, then he should be willing to split the commuting. I suppose if you are still living with your parents and he has his own place then it might make more sense for you to go to him. But I do agree that he should probably come to you more often than he currently does, anyway.

March 24, 2016

So my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 7 months now, we've "officially" been bf/gf for about 3 months. This Sunday is Easter and since his family will be out of town (he has to work on Saturday so he can't go with them) I want him to drive down about 2 hours to spend the day with my family. When I asked him about this he told me that "he will think about it" but that "he's just not that excited about doing this". I understand that hanging out with my family might not be the most exciting thing in the world but he'd rather be alone on Easter than spend just one day with my family??

My mom has said she's making a big Easter dinner (which I mentioned to him) and my grandma wants to meet him. I would understand his reluctance to come down if this was the first time he was going to be meeting my family. But he drove down for my birthday back in December and met them then so he's been around them before. Also he drove like 7 hours up to be with a friend a few weeks ago but he's having second thoughts about just spending one day with my family...? I'm just irritated that he's being this way and I'm afraid if he chooses not to come down this will be our first fight. My friend suggested that I tell him that if he chooses not spend Easter with my family I should tell him that "it will be hard to come back from this" because if he's not willing to do this one thing for me what else will he refuse to do for me??? He's always saying things like "you're so beautiful I would give up so much to be with you." But when I mentioned this he was just so "meh" about it.

I don't know, I just feel like it's obvious that having a girlfriend means having to spend time with her family too. Am I being too pushy about making him spend Easter with my family when we've only been seeing each other for 7 months or should I see this as a big red flag that he's not going to put as much effort into this relationship as I want him to? He did mention when we first started dating that commitment makes him nervous but he eventually came around and asked me to be his girlfriend so I assumed he accepted that he wanted to work on building a relationship with me? (We are both 23 just FYI)

Thoughts?

He's not ready to hang out with your family yet. And that's okay, don't push him! It's only been 3 months since you two officially are bf/gf.

Also he may not want to drive 2 hours to you, then drive 2 hours home.

March 24, 2016

The general consensus that I've gathered from this thread is that some people think it's not a big deal and that I shouldn't worry about his response and other people think I have a legitimate reason to be concerned and a right to feel worried/hurt.

So I don't know what to think

He is a commitment phob, right? This could be why he doesn't want to get too close and be involved with your family.

It's your life and if you want a boyfriend who wants to be more involved then maybe he isn't the one for you.

March 24, 2016

I know, he's admitted that commitment makes him nervous so I backed off and gave him his own time to think about whether he really wanted to be in a serious relationship with me, and he said yes which makes me think that he took time to contemplate what being in a relationship means but who knows with men Although his mom did tell me last weekend that I've been around longer than any of his other past girlfriends, which at 7 months of seeing each other...isn't really impressive.

I don't doubt that he cares for me, this past V-day he got me some very special gifts that were pretty personal and took me out to a scenic picnic. So like I said, I don't doubt that he cares for me, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still putting more effort into the relationship...

There's a big difference between a commitment-phobe and an "I can't be arsed" merchant.

I think you need to determine in your own mind which of the two he PREDOMINANTLY is....

My suggestion, FWIW, is to determine from him what exactly he wants to do this weekend.

Get a fixed response from him.

Go with his decision, whichever one it might be.

Advise your family accordingly.

Then, under the circumstance that he chooses to NOT come with you, think very carefully about, not so much HIS dedication to the relationship - but yours - and why the balance is the way it is.

Then, decide your next step.

March 24, 2016

Oh wow I did not think this thread would generate so many responses.

I just want to address that I realize I can't ever MAKE my boyfriend do anything. I certainly am not going to make him come over or threaten him with empty threats over this. I was just wondering if I have a legitimate reason to be concerned at him not wanting to spend one free day, which also happens to be a holiday, with my family. Now I freely admit that this is because he has his own place and I don't and thus we have more privacy at his place, but I'm pretty much the one in the relationship that consistently makes the 4 hour round trip so we can see each other. I've driven up in the past just to help him move into his new apartment because I knew it would mean a lot to him, even if I didn't necessarily find it fun or exciting. My mom mentioned that since I visit him so frequently he should make the effort to spend one day with us down here and I'm wondering if she has some insight into this.

I am also certainly not a controlling or suffocating person I am one of the most laid back persons that I know of, even my bf has told me he likes that there's no drama with me.

Now I realize that he might not want to spend a free day driving 4 hours on the road, but he means a lot to me so even on days when I have worked all day and am tired I still brave crazy rush hour traffic (the traffic between our two cities is terrible) and make the effort to see him. I was hoping he might make the same effort to come spend Easter with my family.

1 - Yes, Mom has insight. At some point, he is/will be taking you for granted. But it doesn't have to be Easter if he doesn't want to.

2 - Dangerous slope. Just because you make an effort to do X doesn't mean you should "hope" your SO (or anyone) will do the same. You do it just because you care and because you want to. Furthermore, his lack of effort in doing so doesn't necessarily mean you don't mean a lot to him.

My take on this: If it were me, I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. For one, I generally don't care about these things and 7 months is still pretty early for me to be making a fuss over family events (this is different for everyone). Second, he has already said how he feels about commitment, so I wouldn't have been surprised that he doesn't want to make the effort to do relationship-y things like do what makes me happy and things that bring him closer to my family.

Having said that, I think your feelings are completely valid and that your boyfriend is being a jerk for because this is clearly VERY important to you. This is also the time when boyfriends should try to make a good impression on your family and honestly it just doesn't look good if he doesn't show up on an important family holiday.

Bottom line: It doesn't really matter what we say. It's great that you're getting perspective from everyone, but it sounds like you already feel very strongly about this and equal or not-as-imbalanced effort in the relationship. It sounds like these are your core values and you should never have to compromise them just because he or someone else thinks you're being pushy or demanding or suffocating or whatever.

Like katie said, do what's right for you.

March 24, 2016

There's a big difference between a commitment-phobe and an "I can't be arsed" merchant.

I think you need to determine in your own mind which of the two he PREDOMINANTLY is....

My suggestion, FWIW, is to determine from him what exactly he wants to do this weekend.
Get a fixed response from him.

Go with his decision, whichever one it might be.
Advise your family accordingly.

Then, under the circumstance that he chooses to NOT come with you, think very carefully about, not so much HIS dedication to the relationship - but yours - and why the balance is the way it is.

Then, decide your next step.

This is a great point. This issue seems like a symptom of a larger problem that you feel the effort is imbalanced in your relationship and that he is not showing you love/care the way you want him to.

March 24, 2016

Next time don't mention it to your parents... until he gives you a definite yes.

As for this time, if he decides not to go, just tell them something came up and he couldn't make it. Next time!

They really should NOT take issue with that AT ALL!!

He's not your husband for heaven's sake.

Eh, you can't really judge this. Every family is different, every culture is different, every upbringing is different. A man doesn't have to be a husband for a woman's family to want him at family events (the boyfriend/girlfriend phase is when a lot of families I know want the guy there the most). If Easter is a super important event, that "next time" isn't going to happen until at least Christmas or Easter next year.

March 24, 2016

Every man officially in a relationship with me has shown this type of devotion. They had their flaws in other areas but they knew from the start family was important to me so they stood by me, no matter the distance, during holidays, birthdays, and such.

In OP's case, dating 7 months, official for 3 months, I wouldn't call that 'early stage of dating'. At this point it's relationship on solid foot.

Yes, in my case, a man not willing to spend a holiday with me because he wants a day off, would be perceived in my part as he doesn't care enough.

OP, this is illustrative of how different everyone is.

To me, 7 months, official for 3 months, is still early stage. I wouldn't think a relationship is on solid foot until at least 6 months of being official, maybe even a year. I know tons of people who feel the same way, and I think this is even more important for relationships in your early 20s. Plus, no relationship is the same. You can't just apply arbitrary rules like it's been this many months therefore it's solid.

I also wouldn't perceive him not wanting to spend a holiday with as "he doesn't care." Just because a man doesn't show you love the way you want to receive it doesn't always mean he doesn't care.

March 24, 2016

It's basic men psychology.

It's all over the net. Men want to make their woman happy.

This is a quick example I don't have time to dig more but it's there.

3 Things Women Need to Know About Men In Relationships - mindbodygreen.com

This is flawed. Men want to make their woman happy when they can.

Meaning a woman won't always get what she wants. Men won't always do X just to make their woman happy if they can't or don't want to, but they will do Y and Z because it's within their capabilities and, hey, that makes her happy too. Men won't always do what women want just because she wants it. That's terrible logic and, frankly, really controlling.

March 24, 2016

I'm pretty much the one in the relationship that consistently makes the 4 hour round trip so we can see each other.

My mom mentioned that since I visit him so frequently he should make the effort to spend one day with us down here and I'm wondering if she has some insight into this.

... he means a lot to me so even on days when I have worked all day and am tired I still brave crazy rush hour traffic (the traffic between our two cities is terrible) and make the effort to see him.

I was hoping he might make the same effort to come spend Easter with my family.

"Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you."

March 24, 2016

I also wouldn't perceive him not wanting to spend a holiday with as "he doesn't care." Just because a man doesn't show you love the way you want to receive it doesn't always mean he doesn't care.

I think we should not be with a man that doesn't show us love the way we want and need.

In OP's case it's one of two things

1. He is not into her as much she's into him. OP likes this man a great deal and she is showing it by actions. She goes beyond and above what's required to be with him. That is a woman into her man.

2. They are completely incompatible. She needs a lot of togetherness and he's more the individual type. She puts a lot of importance of family, not him. She is happy to compromise for him, him not so much for her.

In both case this relationship won't be viable long term.

March 24, 2016

This is flawed. Men want to make their woman happy when they can.

Meaning a woman won't always get what she wants. Men won't always do X just to make their woman happy if they can't or don't want to, but they will do Y and Z because it's within their capabilities and, hey, that makes her happy too. Men won't always do what women want just because she wants it. That's terrible logic and, frankly, really controlling.

I never said ALWAYS. And I understand sometimes it's impossible.

In this case here, driving a couple of hours, to make his girlfriend happy isn't something requiring much efforts. Especially now that we know she does all the long distance driving in their relationship.

March 24, 2016

Most people I know would make the effort to spend the occasional day with their partner's family regardless of how they themselves feel. It's not like it's a regular commitment - a second time in 7 months for a special occasion (for the OP and her family) doesn't seem much of a sacrifice, even with the driving. My partner and have both done stuff like that a few times for each other in the last year even when tired or not feeling it - no big deal.

I don't know that it's necessarily a red flag at this point but if it's important to you, I also don't see why you'd be made to feel like a pushy, inconsiderate person. This might be an area where you need to talk / compromise.

I agree with this post, and would add that if he is in essence blowing you off on Easter then there is a valid reason... maybe he isn't into you as much as you would like.

As far as what you do.. there isn't much you can do but when Easter is over I might be examining the relationship to see if it meets your own needs and if it doesn't then it might be time to look elsewhere as this is only the tip of the iceberg of this type of thing.

March 24, 2016

I don't doubt that he cares for me, this past V-day he got me some very special gifts that were pretty personal and took me out to a scenic picnic. So like I said, I don't doubt that he cares for me, but sometimes I wonder if I'm still putting more effort into the relationship...

Valentine's Day aside what does he do in this relationship?

I don't think what a man does on V day is a testimony of his love. He can be a total lazy bum all year long and pull a nice V Day.

So you do all the driving, that must cost you a lot of money, how does he share that expense? Does he give you money, does he take you out, pays for things you need ?

Also about what his mom said, that you're the longest relationship her son has had, it could be because you're the first one willing to make all of the efforts in the relationship.

March 24, 2016

Valentine's Day aside what does he do in this relationship?

I don't think what a man does on V day is a testimony of his love. He can be a total lazy bum all year long and pull a nice V Day.

I agree V day can be a real con, it doesn't take a lot if intelligence to suss out the way to a woman' heart is a good V day.

Live off the brownie points all year...

March 24, 2016

Valentine's Day aside what does he do in this relationship?

I don't think what a man does on V day is a testimony of his love. He can be a total lazy bum all year long and pull a nice V Day.

So you do all the driving, that must cost you a lot of money, how does he share that expense? Does he give you money, does he take you out, pays for things you need ?

----

Also about what his mom said, that you're the longest relationship her son has had, it could be because you're the first one willing to make all of the efforts in the relationship.

^^Yup, 7 months, 3 months exclusive, is his longest relationship? Good lord.

OP, I would not be flattered by this, especially since, again, it appears you are making most, if not all, the effort.

This is a red flag! And for the record, commitment phobes love long distance relationships, the operative word being *distance*!

As soon as y'all move closer, it usually, if not always, crumbles.

Proceed with caution.

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Boyfriend not wanting to spend Easter w/ family?

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