katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Exactly. >>>>>> It is a huge mistake to expect certain things from your bf (or gf) based on what *most* people do. People are individuals, and just because another person or even most people someone knows would do something, that does not *obligate* everyone else in the world to do it, lest you feel like they don't care, don't love you or whatever other crazy thought you are assuming. 1
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) I am 100% with Elaine on this one. On 1 hand he has something very important to his girlfriend and on the other hand he has laziness. He's picking laziness. It doesn't matter if it's a holiday important to him, the only matter is that it's important to his girlfriend and he should execute himself. He's gonna lose a day off home? big deal ! how old is he? 20ish something? he's gonna survive driving 2 hours. She is asking very little. Xmas was 3 months ago! and next religious holiday for Christians is 9 months away. Really! My bf and I have been dating 4 months and he is going to drive 10 hours on Friday to make it to my parents, and 10 hours back on Monday and he's working early Tuesday...because he knows family is important to ME, and my happiness is important to him. That is fabulous Gaeta. But just cause YOUR bf is doing this, does that mean every boyfriend should feel obligated to do it? Otherwise you will deem he doesn't care? These types of expectations (especially in eary stages like a few months) are killing relationships! Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 It is a huge mistake to expect certain things from your bf (or gf) based on what *most* people do. People are individuals, and just because another person or even most people someone knows would do something, that does not *obligate* everyone else in the world to do it, lest you feel like they don't care, don't love you or whatever other crazy thought you are assuming. Most men goal in relationship is to make their woman happy. That's why they call us, offer us little surprises, why they fix things in our home, fix our car, That's why they want to make our lives easier by doing odd things. It's also why they accompany us to birthdays, to our parents, and to boring chick flicks. Once a man stop wanting to make you happy, he's taking you for granted. 1
Shining One Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Most men goal in relationship is to make their woman happy. That's why they call us, offer us little surprises, why they fix things in our home, fix our car, That's why they want to make our lives easier by doing odd things. It's also why they accompany us to birthdays, to our parents, and to boring chick flicks. Once a man stop wanting to make you happy, he's taking you for granted.It's the goal of both parties in a relationship to try and make each other happy. It's also a goal to avoid making them unhappy. My girlfriend would not try to make me unhappy by trying to force me to drive four hours on my only day off. 1
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 That is fabulous Gaeta. But just cause YOUR bf is doing this, does that mean every boyfriend should feel obligated to do it? Otherwise you will deem he doesn't care? These types of expectations (especially in eary stages like a few months) are killing relationships! Every man officially in a relationship with me has shown this type of devotion. They had their flaws in other areas but they knew from the start family was important to me so they stood by me, no matter the distance, during holidays, birthdays, and such. In OP's case, dating 7 months, official for 3 months, I wouldn't call that 'early stage of dating'. At this point it's relationship on solid foot. Yes, in my case, a man not willing to spend a holiday with me because he wants a day off, would be perceived in my part as he doesn't care enough.
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Most men goal in relationship is to make their woman happy. That's why they call us, offer us little surprises, why they fix things in our home, fix our car, That's why they want to make our lives easier by doing odd things. It's also why they accompany us to birthdays, to our parents, and to boring chick flicks. . This type of thinking, and expectations are what are killing relationships these days, and why men hesitate to enter them at all. And once they do are fading and ghosting... leaving women scratching their heads wondering what happened. There is not some pre-designed blueprint that men need to follow lest a women assumes he doesn't love or want to make her happy. But to each his own, I am glad your RL is working out. Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Every man officially in a relationship with me has shown this type of devotion. They had their flaws in other areas but they knew from the start family was important to me so they stood by me, no matter the distance, during holidays, birthdays, and such. In OP's case, dating 7 months, official for 3 months, I wouldn't call that 'early stage of dating'. At this point it's relationship on solid foot. Yes, in my case, a man not willing to spend a holiday with me because he wants a day off, would be perceived in my part as he doesn't care enough. You have also been faded and ghosted on many times too ...but hey you are entitled to your opinion and you are free to expect from men whatever you wish. We all need what we need. For me, I would NOT view this as a huge deal AT ALL, would not take it personally, assume it means he doesn't care, especially if he has been treating me well in other ways.... And for the record, I have never been faded or ghosted on.
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 It's basic men psychology. It's all over the net. Men want to make their woman happy. This is a quick example I don't have time to dig more but it's there. 3 Things Women Need to Know About Men In Relationships - mindbodygreen.com
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 And for the record, I have never been faded or ghosted on. That's because you've never did online. I wish I had never had to set foot on an online dating websites but my reality up here, at my age, my life style, is different and it was a must for me to find someone. That's a very unfair comment Katie, as if I got ghosted because I am less good at being a girlfriend. 1
Els Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 This isn't even a gender thing, you guys. Would YOU feel it's okay for a man to expect you to make a 4-hour round trip drive to see his parents twice in your first 3 months together??? I know I wouldn't think it's okay, and I would seriously reconsider being in a R with someone who made it an expectation and who makes a big deal out of me declining. Especially if I am working the day before and after. IMO casual dating prior to being bf/gf doesn't really count in the timeline, but that's just my evaluation of it. So to me their R is 3 months old, not 7. 5
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 It's basic men psychology. It's all over the net. Men want to make their woman happy. This is a quick example I don't have time to dig more but it's there. 3 Things Women Need to Know About Men In Relationships - mindbodygreen.com I realize men want to make women happy, not disputing that! What I am disputing is why OP needs and expects her bf to drive two hours each way to schoomze with her family for one day, who he just schmoozed with a couple months ago, otherwise she assumes he does not care or wants to make her happy. What about her making him happy? Why is this all about her and what she wants? Anyhoo, don't wish to argue this anymore. Best of luck in your RL.
Tribble Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I might be missing something here but I really don't think the OP is being completely unreasonable to expect her boyfriend to go see her family for what seems to be a one-off for now - to me it looks like she's venting a little here, not turning into an inflexible psycho. I just don't get why she's getting flamed to that extent. She may repay him the favour later in some other way - isn't that how relationships work? Four months in, my partner asked me to go visit his grandmother a 3-hour one-way trip for a special birthday - I didn't find him pushy or 'emmeshed' or whatever, he asked me as a favour and despite being totally shattered (I sometimes have shifts on weekends), I didn't see the big deal. I went, spent a miserable couple of hours, came back still alive with a happy man who felt like I caredenough about him to do something because it mattered to him. But you willingly went right? You weren't asked, said meh and then was coerced into going? In an ideal world, the bf would willingly go, spend time with the family, the OP would be very happy and that would be great. It sucks she wants him to go and he doesn't want to. But he doesn't want to and shouldn't be forced. At this point, if she did force the point, what would be the outcome? A bf who didn't want to be there. Even if he's great and doesn't show it, the OP will know. That would make me feel bad. My ex was always invited to family events and I wanted him to go. I made it very clear it was his decision and I wouldn't be angry if he didn't go. The only thing he couldn't do it confirm attendance and then bail out at the last minute. I get the OP is upset. And I think that's OK. I think she's getting such a hard time here because of her attitude. That she's making such a big deal about it and talking ultimatums. It just sounds very take, take, take. He doesn't want to go and you can be a bit miffed. But if this is enough to rock the foundation of your relationship, you aren't very strong. So he doesn't want to spend Easter with your family and suddenly he isn't willing to sacrifice anything for you when he should be sacrificing the world. Where is your sacrifice?
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I also think it is wrong and unfair to conduct one's relationship based off things one reads off the internet! Jeez!
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) That's because you've never did online. I wish I had never had to set foot on an online dating websites but my reality up here, at my age, my life style, is different and it was a must for me to find someone. That's a very unfair comment Katie, as if I got ghosted because I am less good at being a girlfriend. Okay apologies for that comment, you are right unfair. I just feel very strongly that these types of expectations are wrong and unfair and are killing many relationships these days, and why many men end up feeling controlled, suffocated and end up fading and ghosting as a result. But again, apologize for that comment, that wasn't fair. Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I can see both sides of this. To be honest it would piss me off too and I'm not sure why you're getting so much heat from the forum over this. If you love someone, and you're in a relationship with them, these things are part of the package. It's about doing things that are important to your partner, even if you'd rather sit at home watching TV. To the OP this is clearly important and she wants to show she's in a relationship with this man to her family, most people would see that as a positive thing, an honour to be invited, not be ambivalent because it doesn't excite them. Like it or not, if the OP's family is quite 'family orientated' it will be seen as a snub or that he's not that invested in their daughter. Within a few months of being with my partner I was driving us 90 mins each way to see his Mom for the weekend because I knew it was important to him that he sees her and I was honoured to be invited along. Sometimes it'd fall on a weekend where I'd have to take unpaid time off work and work my nuts off both days either side but when you're serious about someone, that's what you do in my book. He hasn't actually said 'no' yet though, has he? Unless I've missed something. It's unfair to keep the hosts waiting on a 'maybe' especially if they're cooking so ask him whether he's made his mind up and emphasise it's important to you and you'd love him to come. If he says he's not going I wouldn't end the relationship over it, but it'd be a bit of a red flag to me that he's not as invested as I was at that stage. Just something to bear in mind for the future. The one thing I did pick up on though, OP why are you expecting HIM to drive the two of you? Why not you? It's a huge difference being the driver or the drivee and lots less stressful when you're the passenger. If it's because you're already there then I see his point much more to be honest, as a four hour drive in one day, alone, is quite a lot on your day off. But if you're going together, I don't see the issue here. And before anyone says people like me are what's driving men away from relationships, I've never been single when I haven't wanted to be and I've never had a guy decline a family event just to chill out. I just have relatively high standards and expectations I suppose and a guy who did this would turn me off quite quickly. Each to their own. 5
kendahke Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 At the end of the day, OP's boyfriend is entitled to determine, as an adult, what he wants to do. Being in a relationship doesn't mean he forfeits his will. None of us forfeits our will when in a relationship. Perhaps his experience with her family at Christmas was such that he really would prefer not to spend time with them if he doesn't have to--and seriously? he doesn't have to. If OP doesn't like it, she can dump him at any time. OP would have a gripe if in the past 3 months, he never set foot near her family; but she clearly set in motion a plan including him without asking him about his schedule before making said plan. Her family is going to look at her being there without the boyfriend they thought she was going to produce and have to explain that she misspoke. This really isn't a hill to die on. If his family wasn't going out of town, he was going to be spending it with them after working and not driving 4 hours to spend it with hers anyway--so I'm not getting why her nose is out of joint over this. OP.. next time, get confirmation from all parties before making plans involving their time. It'll save a lot of unnecessary drama, which is what this is. 6
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 But you willingly went right? You weren't asked, said meh and then was coerced into going? In an ideal world, the bf would willingly go, spend time with the family, the OP would be very happy and that would be great. It sucks she wants him to go and he doesn't want to. But he doesn't want to and shouldn't be forced. At this point, if she did force the point, what would be the outcome? A bf who didn't want to be there. Even if he's great and doesn't show it, the OP will know. That would make me feel bad. My ex was always invited to family events and I wanted him to go. I made it very clear it was his decision and I wouldn't be angry if he didn't go. The only thing he couldn't do it confirm attendance and then bail out at the last minute. I get the OP is upset. And I think that's OK. I think she's getting such a hard time here because of her attitude. That she's making such a big deal about it and talking ultimatums. It just sounds very take, take, take. He doesn't want to go and you can be a bit miffed. But if this is enough to rock the foundation of your relationship, you aren't very strong. So he doesn't want to spend Easter with your family and suddenly he isn't willing to sacrifice anything for you when he should be sacrificing the world. Where is your sacrifice? Judging someone's attitude based on one post is, IME, not a good idea - there is no way of knowing whether she is a take, take, take person. She was (badly) advised by a friend to go hard on the bf and she hasn't taken it. I went because he asked me, not because I wanted to go. I had a crap time and I was exhausted but I went anyway without a second thought because I care about him (yes, women do that too...) - that's the message I wanted to give him by not making a fuss about going. He has repaid me since, even though he didn't need to 2
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Okay apologies for that comment, you are right unfair. I just feel very strongly that these types of expectations are wrong and unfair and are killing many relationships these days, and why many men end up feeling controlled, suffocated and end up fading and ghosting as a result. But again, apologize for that comment, that wasn't fair. Thank you. That being said I don't view this as suffocating her boyfriend. She is not asking him to drive this for a normal regular Sunday, I am sure she'd leave him alone on his own if it were a regular Sunday. And I am sure she leaves him alone often considering it's been 3 months since he drove there. It's just that this time it's a special day for her and for her Family and she would have like him to consider that in his decision. 1
katiegrl Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) Thank you. That being said I don't view this as suffocating her boyfriend. She is not asking him to drive this for a normal regular Sunday, I am sure she'd leave him alone on his own if it were a regular Sunday. And I am sure she leaves him alone often considering it's been 3 months since he drove there. It's just that this time it's a special day for her and for her Family and she would have like him to consider that in his decision. Okay, you don't view it as suffocating.... fair enough. However, shouldn't HE be the one deciding whether her expectation, and ultimatum is suffocating or not? HE is the one experiencing this.. I don't know if he feels suffocated or not, I was just speculating as to why I personally believe there is so much fading and ghosting going on. Yes even after three months, six months or even one year! All these expectations based on how "most" men behave or what one reads on the internet. And ultimatums to get one's needs met. Ugh, wrong IMO. And how are you *sure* she "leaves him alone" in other areas? Do you know them? I don't mean to sound flip ... I am genuinely curious to know how you can make these type of assumptions. Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Okay, you don't view it as suffocating.... fair enough. However, shouldn't HE be the one deciding whether her expectation, and ultimatum is suffocating or not? I don't know if he feels sufficated or not, I was just speculating as to why I personally believe there is so much fading and ghosting going on. And how are you *sure* she "leaves him alone" in other areas? Do you know them? I don't mean to sound flip ... I am genuinely curious to know how you can make these type of assumptions. She has not given him an ultimatum yet. As it stands she asked him to join her and he's thinking about it, didn't make his decision but mentioned he's not crazy about the idea. Just that would hurt my feelings 'not crazy' about the idea. He could have put some white gloves on and say Honey I'd love to be with you and your family but A-B-C so I won't go this time. Make sure to send my best to your parents. Instead he went: <<Driving 2 hours to have dinner with your family? mehh!>> - don't you find that hurtful ? I assume she gives him space considering last time she asked him to join her with her family was 3 months ago. I invite OP to jump in and give us an idea of her relationship dynamic in general.
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Most men goal in relationship is to make their woman happy. That's why they call us, offer us little surprises, why they fix things in our home, fix our car, That's why they want to make our lives easier by doing odd things. It's also why they accompany us to birthdays, to our parents, and to boring chick flicks. Once a man stop wanting to make you happy, he's taking you for granted. Wow...this sounds EXTREMELY self involved Gaeta. A relationship is not about a guy making a woman happy. It's about both people making each other happy. As Katie has been pointing out, people are individuals with different personalities. Just because a guy is actually honest and has a backbone saying "no" setting some limits/boundaries (which is healthy BTW) it doesn't mean that he cares about a woman any less. It just means that he's not willing to be lead around by his short hairs. 9
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Wow...this sounds EXTREMELY self involved Gaeta. A relationship is not about a guy making a woman happy. It's about both people making each other happy. As Katie has been pointing out, people are individuals with different personalities. Just because a guy is actually honest and has a backbone saying "no" setting some limits/boundaries (which is healthy BTW) it doesn't mean that he cares about a woman any less. It just means that he's not willing to be lead around by his short hairs. Of COURSE a relationship is about making each other happy!!! I was referring to something else. I was referring to men's nature to want to make their lady happy. I am talking about men's basic instinct in general. If your girlfriend says: I'd love to drive up to my parents, you will start making plans in your head on how you can give this to her to make her happy. It's visceral with men. It comes along with their protective instinct. Setting boundaries and limits is something else. It has nothing to do with driving up 2 hours to spend a holiday with a girlfriend. How does that work? I am setting boundaries and will only spend Xmas with your family and then expect nothing else from me the rest of the year. That's your healthy boundaries? Yes he's entitled to not go with her. He's entitled to stay home and play video games all day instead of making an effort, on a special day, to make her happy. Sure. It's his right.
Emilia Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 It's basic men psychology. It's all over the net. Men want to make their woman happy. This is a quick example I don't have time to dig more but it's there. 3 Things Women Need to Know About Men In Relationships - mindbodygreen.com Actually men want to get laid. That's largely their motivation until they decide to commit to you. Also, I don't think most articles written by women about men are particularly good or insightful. Someone like Captain Awkward is pretty good but then her website is serious, not an advertising magnet 1
Emilia Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Of COURSE a relationship is about making each other happy!!! I was referring to something else. I was referring to men's nature to want to make their lady happy. I am talking about men's basic instinct in general. If your girlfriend says: I'd love to drive up to my parents, you will start making plans in your head on how you can give this to her to make her happy. It's visceral with men. It comes along with their protective instinct. How have you managed to date so many men and understand so little about them? That's always amazed me. 3
Gaeta Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Actually men want to get laid. That's largely their motivation until they decide to commit to you. Also, I don't think most articles written by women about men are particularly good or insightful. Someone like Captain Awkward is pretty good but then her website is serious, not an advertising magnet Like I said I don't have time to dig out the interesting studies.
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