Boyfriend not wanting to spend Easter w/ family?

[polkadotspots]

So my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 7 months now, we've "officially" been bf/gf for about 3 months. This Sunday is Easter and since his family will be out of town (he has to work on Saturday so he can't go with them) I want him to drive down about 2 hours to spend the day with my family. When I asked him about this he told me that "he will think about it" but that "he's just not that excited about doing this". I understand that hanging out with my family might not be the most exciting thing in the world but he'd rather be alone on Easter than spend just one day with my family??

 

My mom has said she's making a big Easter dinner (which I mentioned to him) and my grandma wants to meet him. I would understand his reluctance to come down if this was the first time he was going to be meeting my family. But he drove down for my birthday back in December and met them then so he's been around them before. Also he drove like 7 hours up to be with a friend a few weeks ago but he's having second thoughts about just spending one day with my family...? I'm just irritated that he's being this way and I'm afraid if he chooses not to come down this will be our first fight. My friend suggested that I tell him that if he chooses not spend Easter with my family I should tell him that "it will be hard to come back from this" because if he's not willing to do this one thing for me what else will he refuse to do for me??? He's always saying things like "you're so beautiful I would give up so much to be with you." But when I mentioned this he was just so "meh" about it.

 

I don't know, I just feel like it's obvious that having a girlfriend means having to spend time with her family too. Am I being too pushy about making him spend Easter with my family when we've only been seeing each other for 7 months or should I see this as a big red flag that he's not going to put as much effort into this relationship as I want him to? He did mention when we first started dating that commitment makes him nervous but he eventually came around and asked me to be his girlfriend so I assumed he accepted that he wanted to work on building a relationship with me? (We are both 23 just FYI)

 

Thoughts?

[strawberryshortstack]

So my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 7 months now, we've "officially" been bf/gf for about 3 months. This Sunday is Easter and since his family will be out of town (he has to work on Saturday so he can't go with them) I want him to drive down about 2 hours to spend the day with my family. When I asked him about this he told me that "he will think about it" but that "he's just not that excited about doing this". I understand that hanging out with my family might not be the most exciting thing in the world but he'd rather be alone on Easter than spend just one day with my family??

 

My mom has said she's making a big Easter dinner (which I mentioned to him) and my grandma wants to meet him. I would understand his reluctance to come down if this was the first time he was going to be meeting my family. But he drove down for my birthday back in December and met them then so he's been around them before. Also he drove like 7 hours up to be with a friend a few weeks ago but he's having second thoughts about just spending one day with my family...? I'm just irritated that he's being this way and I'm afraid if he chooses not to come down this will be our first fight. My friend suggested that I tell him that if he chooses not spend Easter with my family I should tell him that "it will be hard to come back from this" because if he's not willing to do this one thing for me what else will he refuse to do for me??? He's always saying things like "you're so beautiful I would give up so much to be with you." But when I mentioned this he was just so "meh" about it.

 

I don't know, I just feel like it's obvious that having a girlfriend means having to spend time with her family too. Am I being too pushy about making him spend Easter with my family when we've only been seeing each other for 7 months or should I see this as a big red flag that he's not going to put as much effort into this relationship as I want him to? He did mention when we first started dating that commitment makes him nervous but he eventually came around and asked me to be his girlfriend so I assumed he accepted that he wanted to work on building a relationship with me? (We are both 23 just FYI)

 

Thoughts?

 

Easter just isn't an important holiday for some. Could that be part of the issue?

 

I'd be very careful saying anything that could be construed as an ultimatum.

[polkadotspots]

I would understand if he wasn't Christian but he was raised in a Christian family and has mentioned wanting to find a good Christian church to start going to, so I assume he would want to do things on Easter?

 

And yea I don't want to make this a "if you don't do this I'm going to threaten to break up with you" situation but I have mentioned how much this would mean to me?

[CarrieT]

If he has to work on Saturday and - possibly? - on Monday, I can understand him not wanting to spend 4+ hours on the road on his only day off.

[basil67]

Sounds like he wants a relaxing day at home - and 4 hours plus your family is not a chilled day at home.

 

I truly do not believe that this is worth fighting over. And DO NOT take your friend's advice - empty threats are a terrible thing to do.

 

Having him there might be important to you, but having the day off is important to him. To fight over it would mean you pushing the idea that your needs are more important than his. Besides, pushing people to do activities which they don't want to do never ends well. You could make him go, but he will resent it and possibly be grumpy and spoil it.

 

Have a relaxing day with your family and leave him to his own devices.

Edited March 23, 2016 by basil67

[GemmaUK]

If he has to work Saturday I totally get why he wouldn't want to spend 4 hours driving for the Sunday.

 

Enjoy your time with your folks and let him have some time to himself.

[Els]

You've only been together 'officially' for 3 months and he's already taken a 4 hour round trip to meet your family once before. I can understand him not being terribly excited at the thought of doing it again so soon.

 

I would recommend going to be with your family and letting him have some alone time on his day off. If he NEVER wanted to meet your family and you'd been together for years then I would say you have cause for concern, but twice in 3 months is a bit much especially if they live 2 hrs away IMO.

[TaraMaiden2]

I would understand if he wasn't Christian but he was raised in a Christian family and has mentioned wanting to find a good Christian church to start going to, so I assume he would want to do things on Easter?

you know what they say when we 'assume' too much, right?

 

And yea I don't want to make this a "if you don't do this I'm going to threaten to break up with you" situation but I have mentioned how much this would mean to me?

In Italy, we have a saying:

"Natale con i tuoi

Pasqua con chi vuoi."

 

Spend Christmas with your family.

At Easter, do what you want.

 

He doesn't want to spend time with your family.

You can't force him, and why should he, anyway?

I suspect you now find yourself in the difficult situation of having accepted an invitation - on both your behalves - from your family, but now you're going to have to tell them it's just you.

You don't want to lie to them about why he wouldn't be showing up, so you resent his apparent reluctance, because now it means you're going to have to come up with something.

 

The relationship is too young, new and in its formative stages for you to lie for him.

And nobody should lie anyway, for someone else.

 

Just go to your family, as that's what you want to do.

If he chooses to not go with you, that's his choice, and you should respect that.

[Emilia]

All this want, want, want. Give the poor guy a break, he wants a quiet Sunday.

[TaraMaiden2]

All this want, want, want. Give the poor guy a break, he wants a quiet Sunday.

 

Emilia makes a great point, polkadotspots, and I'm highlighting a few parts of your post to try to indicate where we feel you're being unreasonable. Hopefully, you'll understand.

So my boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for about 7 months now, we've "officially" been bf/gf for about 3 months. This Sunday is Easter and since his family will be out of town (he has to work on Saturday so he can't go with them) I want him to drive down about 2 hours to spend the day with my family. When I asked him about this he told me that "he will think about it" but that "he's just not that excited about doing this". I understand that hanging out with my family might not be the most exciting thing in the world but he'd rather be alone on Easter than spend just one day with my family??

Yes, why not? Simply because you're close to them, is no guarantee or condition that he is, or should be....

 

My mom has said she's making a big Easter dinner (which I mentioned to him) and my grandma wants to meet him. I would understand his reluctance to come down if this was the first time he was going to be meeting my family. But he drove down for my birthday back in December and met them then so he's been around them before. Also he drove like 7 hours up to be with a friend a few weeks ago

How long was it since he'd last seen his friend?

How long have they known each other?

Has his friend asked him to do it again, soon?

 

but he's having second thoughts about just spending one day with my family...? I'm just irritated that he's being this way and I'm afraid if he chooses not to come down this will be our first fight.

Why should it turn into a fight? You'll stamp your foot because you're not getting your own way? That's a bit controlling and demanding of you, and you need to think carefully before doing something foolish like making this all about you, and what you want.

My friend suggested that I tell him that if he chooses not spend Easter with my family I should tell him that "it will be hard to come back from this"

Your friend sounds just like you. A sense of entitlement and a desire to get her own way. If it's going to be 'hard to come back from this' it's you who's going to apply the pressure, and make it hard.

because if he's not willing to do this one thing for me what else will he refuse to do for me??? He's always saying things like "you're so beautiful I would give up so much to be with you." But when I mentioned this he was just so "meh" about it.

He would give up so much to be with you. Why don't you give up this idea in order to accommodate him? Or is it give and take - he gives, you take?

 

I don't know, I just feel like it's obvious that having a girlfriend means having to spend time with her family too.

He did. At Christmas. You're only recently official. That doesn't make you eternally committed or joined at the hip. Ok?

 

Am I being too pushy about making him spend Easter with my family when we've only been seeing each other for 7 months

It's sad you even have to ask. But, yes, you are.

 

or should I see this as a big red flag that he's not going to put as much effort into this relationship as I want him to?

Jeesh. Already? You are judging his entire possible future effort on the fact that he's working and wants a bit of quiet time? In this situation it should be him questioning if this is the way it's always going to go, if you don't get your way....

 

He did mention when we first started dating that commitment makes him nervous but he eventually came around and asked me to be his girlfriend so I assumed he accepted that he wanted to work on building a relationship with me? (We are both 23 just FYI)

He may be nervous about commitment, but this episode would seem to confirm his reluctance. It sounds more about your insecurity and sense of entitlement, to be honest....

[elaine567]

Family to some is not that important, to others family is THE most important thing.

The OP, I guess, thinks family IS important, so any man she is with, is expected to attend family events, as that is how it works.

 

Unless he is chronically sick or disabled there is NO real reason for him to pass here.

This isn't about tiredness or the long drive, this man is making a statement here, he is putting his foot down and saying "I do not care that your mother has gone to a lot of trouble to host Easter, I do not feel like going, so tough."

 

To the OP, do not expect cosy family get-togethers with this man. If only after a few months and on his "best behaviour" and "trying to impress", he doesn't care enough for your family to even show up for a few hours, then I guess, if you stay with him, you may be one of those women destined to attend family events alone.

 

So although to others it may be no big deal, to YOU and to your family too, it IS a big red flag.

[TaraMaiden2]

Family to some is not that important, to others family is THE most important thing.

The OP, I guess, thinks family IS important, so any man she is with, is expected to attend family events, as that is how it works.

I disagree. That's NOT how it works. There is such a thing as compromise; this relationship is very young. It's far too soon to be making demands and assumptions about such matters, so early on.

 

Unless he is chronically sick or disabled there is NO real reason for him to pass here.

The fact that he chooses not to, is reason enough. Why should he comply if he doesn't want to?

If I invite you to the UK for a week with me, there's absolutely no reason you should do so, whether you have any physical impediment or not.

 

This isn't about tiredness or the long drive, this man is making a statement here, he is putting his foot down and saying "I do not care that your mother has gone to a lot of trouble to host Easter, I do not feel like going, so tough."

First of all, he hasn't put his foot down anywhere I can see. Secondly, it's not about how much effort her mother has gone to. She hasn't gone to it yet, it's only mid-week, so that argument is a little premature.

 

To the OP, do not expect cosy family get-togethers with this man. If only after a few months and on his "best behaviour" and "trying to impress", he doesn't care enough for your family to even show up for a few hours, then I guess, if you stay with him, you may be one of those women destined to attend family events alone.

I think it's a little hasty to make that assumption, based on just a couple of months of officially dating. I certainly think it may be a point of discussion for future times, but the relationship is only just off the ground....

 

So although to others it may be no big deal, to YOU and to your family too, it IS a big red flag.

I think the OP may be interpreting it as a red flag, but it's equally valid to consider her attitude in this, also.

[elaine567]

I disagree. That's NOT how it works.

- It IS how it works in families like this and in the mind of the OP.

 

If I invite you to the UK for a week with me, there's absolutely no reason you should do so, whether you have any physical impediment or not.

But that is completely different. The family have laid out the welcoming mat, the special Easter dinner is an offering to him, even the grandma is involved, and he is effectively throwing the "gift" back in their faces, by saying he doesn't want to go. The OP has to go back and say, "Sorry folks he doesn't want to know"... It will be seen as a snub.

 

I think the OP may be interpreting it as a red flag, but it's equally valid to consider her attitude in this, also.

Of course, but I guess the OP was excited, she was going to show him off to the grandma and establish herself as part of a couple in the eyes of her family, now he has spoiled that, and made her question his commitment to her and even to their relationship. She is also now questioning whether he is indeed suitable as a partner.

She thought attending the family Easter dinner was a given - now it isn't - so how well is he going to fit in with her family and her life and what she sees as important?

If her family is important to her, and I guess it is, why is he making a stand here? A few hours spent schmoozing her family, and he is superman, now he is half way to being dumped...

[Emilia]

Well, no-one should be obliged to take a 'gift' just because it's given. Especially not after a bit of dating. Too much pressure after just a few months, how god awful this would be after 2 years I can only imagine.

[elaine567]

Well, no-one should be obliged to take a 'gift' just because it's given. Especially not after a bit of dating. Too much pressure after just a few months, how god awful this would be after 2 years I can only imagine.

 

NO, but there are some gifts that is is rude, or it is not in your best interests to refuse.

[PrettyEmily77]

Most people I know would make the effort to spend the occasional day with their partner's family regardless of how they themselves feel. It's not like it's a regular commitment - a second time in 7 months for a special occasion (for the OP and her family) doesn't seem much of a sacrifice, even with the driving. My partner and have both done stuff like that a few times for each other in the last year even when tired or not feeling it - no big deal.

 

I don't know that it's necessarily a red flag at this point but if it's important to you, I also don't see why you'd be made to feel like a pushy, inconsiderate person. This might be an area where you need to talk / compromise.

[salparadise]

I'm just irritated that he's being this way and I'm afraid if he chooses not to come down this will be our first fight.

 

My friend suggested that I tell him that if he chooses not spend Easter with my family I should tell him that "it will be hard to come back from this" because if he's not willing to do this one thing for me what else will he refuse to do for me???

 

I don't know, I just feel like it's obvious that having a girlfriend means having to spend time with her family too.

 

Am I being too pushy about making him...

 

or should I see this as a big red flag that he's not going to put as much effort into this relationship as I want him to?

 

 

What's obvious is that you've somehow acquired the notion that his being is merely an extension of your imagination.

 

Are you serious about the intention to turn this into a big issue or fight? That's just nuts! And the bit about what else is he going to refuse to do for me... you're taking the erroneous assumptions and aggrandizing and attributing meaning and motive that exist nowhere except in your rather vivid imagination.

 

He is a separate, autonomous entity. He doesn't belong to you in the same sense as a pet gerbil. Being his girlfriend does not mean you get to tell him what you want him to and he becomes obliged for no other reason than it's what you want.

 

If you had been married a few years I'd call this enmeshment. But since you've only been his GF for three months I'd call it whacky- a red flag for him! You're way out of bounds on this one sweetie... you need to seriously rethink these assumptions of yours...

 

and look up the word enmeshment in the context of dysfunctional relationships.

[TaraMaiden2]

- It IS how it works in families like this and in the mind of the OP.

Yes, but not his. And he thinks differently to the OP. In his shoes, I would be very sorry if she had made this a big deal with her family, but I wouldn't be of the same frame of mind. His family is going away for Easter. He can't join them due to work commitments. It doesn't, however, seem to be bothering him much. It may well be very important to her, but that's no reason why it should have equal importance to him.

 

 

But that is completely different. The family have laid out the welcoming mat, the special Easter dinner is an offering to him,

Where do you get that from? Her family is planning a big Easter feast, but nowhere does it say that it's done for his benefit.

 

even the grandma is involved

Only to the level that she wants to meet him. Grandma may have to be patient.

Why didn't she meet him at Christmas?

Because perhaps Grandma was busy doing something else. And she's family.

If it's acceptable for a family member to have made other plans, (for what may arguably be the biggest annual family gathering of the year) why shouldn't it be for him to make other plans now?

, and he is effectively throwing the "gift" back in their faces, by saying he doesn't want to go. The OP has to go back and say, "Sorry folks he doesn't want to know"... It will be seen as a snub.

Not so. What she needs to say is that her BF wanted to do something different. She doesn't have to phrase it so dismissivley and in such an accusatory way. Hardly the attitude of a loving and understanding GF....

 

 

Of course, but I guess the OP was excited, she was going to show him off to the grandma and establish herself as part of a couple in the eyes of her family,

Presumptuous and premature.

 

now he has spoiled that, and made her question his commitment to her and even to their relationship. She is also now questioning whether he is indeed suitable as a partner.

In his shoes, I would be wondering the same about her. Her attitude seems to come over as demanding and suffocating.

 

She thought attending the family Easter dinner was a given

Why? Why assume something like that?

 

- now it isn't - so how well is he going to fit in with her family and her life and what she sees as important?

This is, as I have said, definitely a point for discussion - but certainly not less than a week before the event, and certainly with no preconceptions or conditions.

 

 

If her family is important to her, and I guess it is, why is he making a stand here?

Because it's her family, and it's importasnt to her. That is absolutley no reason to assume or presume it should therefore be just as important to him....

 

A few hours spent schmoozing her family, and he is superman, now he is half way to being dumped...

...and all because he's decided he'd rather not schmooze with her family all over again, which would involve a long drive on what might possibly be his only day off.

[Els]

To the OP, do not expect cosy family get-togethers with this man. If only after a few months and on his "best behaviour" and "trying to impress", he doesn't care enough for your family to even show up for a few hours, then I guess, if you stay with him, you may be one of those women destined to attend family events alone.

 

It's really a bit much to extrapolate this when the guy is turning down ONE event in a 3-month-old relationship and has already attended another family event during that timespan! If it's that important to her that a guy constantly take 4 hour round trips with her to see her family, every month or two, then yeah, they're probably not compatible. But extrapolating his refusal to mean that he's the sort of person who would NEVER attend a family event is excessive, especially when he has already proven that that isn't true.

[katiegrl]

OP, your attitude is precisely why men are hesitant to get in relationships and/or start to fade or ghost once they do!

 

Let him be for chrissakes, stop making this about you, otherwise he will start feeling controlled and suffocated, and you will end up alone with no boyfriend to ever take home to your family!

 

It has only been three-months and he has to work Saturday and then Monday, maybe he just wants to have a quiet day on his day off!

 

LET HIM BE and accept and be happy with those things he does give you!

 

Otherwise you run the risk of suffocating him with your demands and pushing him away.

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[TaraMaiden2]

NO, but there are some gifts that is is rude, or it is not in your best interests to refuse.

 

It's not a gift. She isn't giving him anything.

She is expecting him to do as she wishes, spend time with her family and go along with her plans.

No gift has yet exchanged hands or been donated.

She has made an offer, he is reluctant to accept. So there is no gift.

As such therefore, there is no obligation to accept, particularly when the majority of the effort relating to them two, will be on his part, not hers.

[PrettyEmily77]

It's not a gift. She isn't giving him anything.

She is expecting him to do as she wishes, spend time with her family and go along with her plans.

No gift has yet exchanged hands or been donated.

She has made an offer, he is reluctant to accept. So there is no gift.

As such therefore, there is no obligation to accept, particularly when the majority of the effort relating to them two, will be on his part, not hers.

 

I might be missing something here but I really don't think the OP is being completely unreasonable to expect her boyfriend to go see her family for what seems to be a one-off for now - to me it looks like she's venting a little here, not turning into an inflexible psycho. I just don't get why she's getting flamed to that extent. She may repay him the favour later in some other way - isn't that how relationships work?

 

Four months in, my partner asked me to go visit his grandmother a 3-hour one-way trip for a special birthday - I didn't find him pushy or 'emmeshed' or whatever, he asked me as a favour and despite being totally shattered (I sometimes have shifts on weekends), I didn't see the big deal. I went, spent a miserable couple of hours, came back still alive with a happy man who felt like I caredenough about him to do something because it mattered to him.

[katiegrl]

elaine, you do realize I hope that attitudes such as yours and the OP's is precisely why we see so much fading and ghosting these days?

 

Why men are hesitant to get into relationships, and why *commitment phobia" is running rampant in our society right now?

 

Men are feeling suffocated by relationships!

 

For the love of all things beautiful, they have been dating three months.

 

If he doesn't want to make the two hour drive (four hours back and forth total) to schmooze with her family for one day, so what???

 

It doesn't mean he doesn't like/love her, it means he doesn't have the energy or inclination to make the drive and schmooze on his one day off, why do women (some women) insist on taking everything so freaking personally?

 

You and OP are running these guys off, then you wonder why.

 

This is why! It is suffocating, don't you get that?

 

Let him be for chrissakes and OP, chill out, be cool, stop making this about you and next time he will want to schmooze with your family!!

[elaine567]

Most people I know would make the effort to spend the occasional day with their partner's family regardless of how they themselves feel. It's not like it's a regular commitment - a second time in 7 months for a special occasion (for the OP and her family) doesn't seem much of a sacrifice, even with the driving.

 

Exactly.

>>>>>>

[Gaeta]

Family to some is not that important, to others family is THE most important thing.

The OP, I guess, thinks family IS important, so any man she is with, is expected to attend family events, as that is how it works.

 

Unless he is chronically sick or disabled there is NO real reason for him to pass here.

This isn't about tiredness or the long drive, this man is making a statement here, he is putting his foot down and saying "I do not care that your mother has gone to a lot of trouble to host Easter, I do not feel like going, so tough."

 

To the OP, do not expect cosy family get-togethers with this man. If only after a few months and on his "best behaviour" and "trying to impress", he doesn't care enough for your family to even show up for a few hours, then I guess, if you stay with him, you may be one of those women destined to attend family events alone.

 

So although to others it may be no big deal, to YOU and to your family too, it IS a big red flag.

 

I am 100% with Elaine on this one.

 

On 1 hand he has something very important to his girlfriend and on the other hand he has laziness. He's picking laziness.

 

It doesn't matter if it's a holiday important to him, the only matter is that it's important to his girlfriend and he should execute himself. He's gonna lose a day off home? big deal ! how old is he? 20ish something? he's gonna survive driving 2 hours.

 

She is asking very little. Xmas was 3 months ago! and next religious holiday for Christians is 9 months away. Really!

 

My bf and I have been dating 4 months and he is going to drive 10 hours on Friday to make it to my parents, and 10 hours back on Monday and he's working early Tuesday...because he knows family is important to ME, and my happiness is important to him.