Can anyone relate to my reflection on my dating life?

[anderZ]

I guess this is a bit of a vent.

 

 

I really don’t know what to say about my dating life anymore. The results don’t seem worth the effort put in, and I’m growing increasingly sick of trying. However, even when Im feeling frustrated or down, I still have a desire for companionship and/or sex. So I sometimes feel forced to date.

 

 

Im in my late 20s, Im educated, smart, good shape, good job, very outgoing…yadda yadda yadda. But for years I keep having these dating pitfalls. Ive been with an average amount of women, so its not like I go on huge droughts…but I never find what Im looking for, or get the outcomes I really desire. I either end up dating women Im not that into…or when I find someone I do have a draw to, they end up bailing or ghosting on me for some reason.

 

 

And its not like I date the same kind of woman over and over. Ive dated a variety of women over the years. Different shapes, sizes, cultural backgrounds, education, lifestyle, personality, humor, etc. But Ive not found exactly what I wanted at different points of my life. And lately, Im feeling very discouraged. I keep asking myself “What is it about me, or what am I doing that when I find women Im pretty into, that she bails for some reason?”

 

 

It can be after a first date, after a first kiss, after a one night stand or after sleeping with me for a month….Ive been bailed on or ghosted in each situation. And yes, there have been a couple of girls who wanted to stick by me, but they were rare, and ended up not being who I wanted to be with.(for other compatibility reasons) So Im left wondering what is it about me that gets me into unsuccessful dating experiences.

 

 

Why is it that I can go on what seems to be a good date with a fun acquaintance, and then get ghosted? Why is it that a girl will sleep with me quickly (sometimes the first date), tell me she wants to see me again and likes me, but then give me little communication thereafter? Or how I could have a girl sleep with me for a month, tell me how good I make her feel, and then give me poor insight as to why shes bailing on me?

 

 

I just don’t understand it. And for as much as I always see women complain about how guys behave in the dating scene (especially after sex), I just shrug and say “it aint that bad sister”. Or maybe it is?

 

I gotta say, the thing that bothers me the most is being made to feel like I have zero worth. Some guys may read this and think “yeah but youre getting laid right?...I mean you aren’t looking for a girlfriend are you?” But its not about sex. I may not be actively looking for a girlfriend…but having someone value me as a person would feel nice. Some respect, to not just write me off like Im not worth [anything]. Like maybe stick around and be a friend at least.

 

 

Some guys could have my dating history and not feel upset at all about it. Some might feel proud that some girls would sleep with him quickly or for an extended period without commitment. But in reality….sex can be had with anyone. In my mind, I end up thinking “maybe I was only with her because I was just some warm body she was able to find…cus she bailed like it was nothin”

 

Yeah yeah, even Im telling myself right now that I sound like a little [boy]…but dating is so tiresome. And Im sick of people bouncing in and out of my life. Im not in college anymore. And while I may not be looking to settle down or anything, I do wanna feel something that’s real and reciprocated.

Edited March 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[Jejangles]

You sound a little confused about what you want in your post, so maybe that's why you're having a poor outcome. You say you don't want a girlfriend, but then you're complaining that women bail on you. Is it possible they are picking up on your desire to stay casual and so staying... casual?

 

And do you really not want a girlfriend or are you saying that as a self protective thing? I ask because I dated for many years saying "Oh I don't need to meet someone serious, it would be nice but it's not required" and then was surprised when every guy I met would flake or ghost or lose interest over time. It was only when I really said to myself "I want to meet someone for a serious relationship" and focused on that goal that my dating life improved, to the point that I am now in a relationship with a great guy.

[anderZ]

You sound a little confused about what you want in your post, so maybe that's why you're having a poor outcome. You say you don't want a girlfriend, but then you're complaining that women bail on you. Is it possible they are picking up on your desire to stay casual and so staying... casual?

 

And do you really not want a girlfriend or are you saying that as a self protective thing? I ask because I dated for many years saying "Oh I don't need to meet someone serious, it would be nice but it's not required" and then was surprised when every guy I met would flake or ghost or lose interest over time. It was only when I really said to myself "I want to meet someone for a serious relationship" and focused on that goal that my dating life improved, to the point that I am now in a relationship with a great guy.

No I am not actively looking for a relationship, and not too sure if I would want one at the moment.

 

And I dont mind things being casual with a girl...but lack of communication, ghosting, and them not even trying to be friends is what puts me off. I dont mind if they want to bail...but at least be upfront with me. And dont act like were friends one minute and then ignore me the next. Also, dont tell me how much you enjoy my company, but then be willing to easily write me off.

 

Its really the disrespect and cowardice that puts me off the most. I dont do that to people. If I wanna bail, I give them some sort of explanation. And I dont lead people on.

 

Do you get where Im coming from now?

[kztar]

Dude, no one is going to take you serious like this. You're looking for casual dating and honestly that is not something that requires alot of effort.

 

Im a girl and when im casual dating, it means that I can disappear any minute and any second and not have to give you any explanation what so ever. Also just because a girl sleeps with you doesn't mean she owes you anything. You tell me you're looking for casual dating, I will casual date you and know that it won't be anything more than that. When someone who is more serious comes around then, you'll be dropped like a bad habit.

 

Until you're ready to have a long term committed relationship, this is going to continue happening.

[anderZ]

Dude, no one is going to take you serious like this. You're looking for casual dating and honestly that is not something that requires alot of effort.

 

Im a girl and when im casual dating, it means that I can disappear any minute and any second and not have to give you any explanation what so ever. Also just because a girl sleeps with you doesn't mean she owes you anything. You tell me you're looking for casual dating, I will casual date you and know that it won't be anything more than that. When someone who is more serious comes around then, you'll be dropped like a bad habit.

 

Until you're ready to have a long term committed relationship, this is going to continue happening.

 

You say this, yet alllll the time I see women bashing men for this behavior. And with the couple times I tried to be like that I got alot of bashing for it too.

 

So something's not adding up here. It's as if women want better treatment than what their willing to give casually.

 

It's just a mutual respect thing for me. I don't spend time with someone or inside someone and then treat them like nothing after. That's just not me.

 

But if the reality really is that itd be better for me to callously treat women as walking vaginas who I can dispose of easily... I guess I need to fall in line with that culture.

[kztar]

Everyone is different. You just need to find women who align with your thoughts. Alot of women won't but some will.

 

Honestly, I am just the kind of person that If I know it's just casual, I do very little investment. It's just a good time. Nothing more, nothing less. However, I am the kind of person to only engage serious with potential marriage partners. Casual dating will most likely not lead to my ultimate goal so I see it as a wast of time to invest much.

 

However this is just me and I know others who are like this as well.But some are more into casual dating and are okay with it. Like I said, you just need to find someone who aligns with your views to make it successful.

[Gaeta]

 

And yes, there have been a couple of girls who wanted to stick by me, but they were rare, and ended up not being who I wanted to be with.(for other compatibility reasons).

 

They don't stick around for the same reasons you didn't stick around for them. These women that left you did it under the same right you did it yourself to other women.

 

There is no secret to it, it's not suppose to work till one day it does.

[lilmissjava]

Casual dating = not owing any explanation to anyone for anything, least of all an obligation to get back to you or communicate with you thereafter.

 

I have been ghosted, faded on, we all have. Sure it's cowardly but there isn't a thing we can do about it but pick up where you left off and try again.

 

"Dating is so easy!" said no one ever.

[Mx12345]

You want a woman to be honest and respectful, keep you in the loop about her life, and give her what in return exactly? A casual fling?

In my opinion, you get what you give. Most woman who are respectful and have a good head on their shoulders probably hear on the first date with you, that you aren't looking for anything serious, and they bail before anything gets off the ground.

The women who DO stick around are the ones who won't reply to your text the day after sex because, hey you just wanted casual.

I don't see the problem here. You want casual, you're getting casual, and you're complaining.

[smackie9]

here's your answer: "open honest communication". You need to define to them what you see as casual, set the ground rules and expectations. "assuming" gets you nowhere. No one can read your mind, and you can't read theirs so why not have a straight conversation to see what direction you can take it. It's pretty simple.

[anderZ]

You want a woman to be honest and respectful, keep you in the loop about her life, and give her what in return exactly? A casual fling?

In my opinion, you get what you give. Most woman who are respectful and have a good head on their shoulders probably hear on the first date with you, that you aren't looking for anything serious, and they bail before anything gets off the ground.

The women who DO stick around are the ones who won't reply to your text the day after sex because, hey you just wanted casual.

I don't see the problem here. You want casual, you're getting casual, and you're complaining.

 

Fair point. Thanks for chiming in.

 

I'm still trying to figure out if I'm ready for a real relationship again.

[Lady2163]

Whew. Makes me glad I'm not twenty something.

 

My guess is all these women are also twenty something.

 

I'm not sure I can say this any way that is new and different, but if I went on a couple of dates with someone and they told me they were just looking for casual, then they would drop way down on my priority list.

 

If I had the chance of a blind date who might want a relationship or a date with someone who has already told me they want things casual, I'm going on the blind date.

 

I might even be offended that someone only thought I was good enough for casual and not for a real friendship, a real connection, a real relationship. You wonder what is wrong with you? There's a chance these women you put in the casual zone are also wondering why they don't rate as relationship material or why YOU think they aren't good enough to be relationship material.

 

As someone already said, you get what you give.

[Candygirljane]

I guess this is a bit of a vent.

 

 

I really don’t know what to say about my dating life anymore. The results don’t seem worth the effort put in, and I’m growing increasingly sick of trying. However, even when Im feeling frustrated or down, I still have a desire for companionship and/or sex. So I sometimes feel forced to date.

 

 

Im in my late 20s, Im educated, smart, good shape, good job, very outgoing…yadda yadda yadda. But for years I keep having these dating pitfalls. Ive been with an average amount of women, so its not like I go on huge droughts…but I never find what Im looking for, or get the outcomes I really desire. I either end up dating women Im not that into…or when I find someone I do have a draw to, they end up bailing or ghosting on me for some reason.

 

 

And its not like I date the same kind of woman over and over. Ive dated a variety of women over the years. Different shapes, sizes, cultural backgrounds, education, lifestyle, personality, humor, etc. But Ive not found exactly what I wanted at different points of my life. And lately, Im feeling very discouraged. I keep asking myself “What is it about me, or what am I doing that when I find women Im pretty into, that she bails for some reason?”

 

 

It can be after a first date, after a first kiss, after a one night stand or after sleeping with me for a month….Ive been bailed on or ghosted in each situation. And yes, there have been a couple of girls who wanted to stick by me, but they were rare, and ended up not being who I wanted to be with.(for other compatibility reasons) So Im left wondering what is it about me that gets me into unsuccessful dating experiences.

 

 

Why is it that I can go on what seems to be a good date with a fun acquaintance, and then get ghosted? Why is it that a girl will sleep with me quickly (sometimes the first date), tell me she wants to see me again and likes me, but then give me little communication thereafter? Or how I could have a girl sleep with me for a month, tell me how good I make her feel, and then give me poor insight as to why shes bailing on me?

 

 

I just don’t understand it. And for as much as I always see women complain about how guys behave in the dating scene (especially after sex), I just shrug and say “it aint that bad sister”. Or maybe it is?

 

I gotta say, the thing that bothers me the most is being made to feel like I have zero worth. Some guys may read this and think “yeah but youre getting laid right?...I mean you aren’t looking for a girlfriend are you?” But its not about sex. I may not be actively looking for a girlfriend…but having someone value me as a person would feel nice. Some respect, to not just write me off like Im not worth [anything]. Like maybe stick around and be a friend at least.

 

 

Some guys could have my dating history and not feel upset at all about it. Some might feel proud that some girls would sleep with him quickly or for an extended period without commitment. But in reality….sex can be had with anyone. In my mind, I end up thinking “maybe I was only with her because I was just some warm body she was able to find…cus she bailed like it was nothin”

 

Yeah yeah, even Im telling myself right now that I sound like a little [boy]…but dating is so tiresome. And Im sick of people bouncing in and out of my life. Im not in college anymore. And while I may not be looking to settle down or anything, I do wanna feel something that’s real and reciprocated.

 

I'm on the same boat here, so tired of dating. I feel like I lost the ability of to be in love?

[Toodaloo]

But in reality….sex can be had with anyone. In my mind, I end up thinking “maybe I was only with her because I was just some warm body she was able to find…cus she bailed like it was nothin”

 

Yeah yeah, even Im telling myself right now that I sound like a little [boy]…but dating is so tiresome. And Im sick of people bouncing in and out of my life. Im not in college anymore. And while I may not be looking to settle down or anything, I do wanna feel something that’s real and reciprocated.

 

Here is your problem.

 

You don't really want to commit but you equally want that commitment.

 

My advice is slow it down.

 

Stop sleeping with women. Instead get to know them better and take your time before bedding them. Yes you will still get dumped and you will still be dumping women but at least you will have a bed post left...

 

You will eventually find someone you respect and admire. Just take your time in getting to know them. Find the one that isn't disposable and your attitude and feelings will change.