moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I am so sad. We have been good friends in the past year or so. He asked me out on a date a few weeks ago but I don't feel that way about him. Since that, he stopped contacting me all together. I didn't contact him either as I assumed he will come around once he feels ready (and I didn't want to keep reminding him to me as I don't know how deeply he felt about me). Do you think I should text him to see how he is? I really would like to keep him around as I love him as a friend and I don't want to loose someone like him. 1
MrMeh Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Probably the only reason he was your friend to begin with was because he was attracted you. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 The only mistake your friend made IMO was waiting a year to ask you out. He should have made his intentions known from the get go. But unfortunately I have to agree with your friend on this one. Since he wants more and you don't, he should walk away and meet a woman that will actually want romance with him. The last thing anyone should do is pretend to be OK with friendship when you want more. 1
Zahara Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Do you think I should text him to see how he is? I really would like to keep him around as I love him as a friend and I don't want to loose someone like him. I think you should leave him be and let him come to you. It's easier for you to keep him around since you don't have an emotional attachment to him. Unfortunately, it would be harder for him to be around you and just keep it platonic. It's hard to maintain a friendship with those terms. Give him some time. He's likely struggling with the rejection. 1
Satu Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 He'll be OK. Leave him to sort his feelings out for now. 2
bluefeather Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Hard to give real advice since you didn't give much detailed information -how you communicated your message to him and what the last thing he said to you was, if anything at all- but sometimes a guy will go away to heal himself for a while, and get over you in that way. If he can respect that you don't want him that way and still wants to keep you as a friend, he may come back around when he's ready. I can't say that's the case because I don't have enough details, but it's a possibility. 1
Author moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Hard to give real advice since you didn't give much detailed information -how you communicated your message to him and what the last thing he said to you was, if anything at all- but sometimes a guy will go away to heal himself for a while, and get over you in that way. If he can respect that you don't want him that way and still wants to keep you as a friend, he may come back around when he's ready. I can't say that's the case because I don't have enough details, but it's a possibility. Well, he called me and asked me out. First, I said yes to him but then I sent him a message on Facebook turning him down. He answered back and he seemed to be okay with it but he hasn't contacted me since. 1
Author moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 I think you should leave him be and let him come to you. It's easier for you to keep him around since you don't have an emotional attachment to him. Unfortunately, it would be harder for him to be around you and just keep it platonic. It's hard to maintain a friendship with those terms. Give him some time. He's likely struggling with the rejection. What if he never comes around?
Satu Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 What if he never comes around? You're thinking too far ahead. Just leave it be for a while.
Author moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 You're thinking too far ahead. Just leave it be for a while. I understand that for now - but what if. What sort of time frame should I give him and if he won't contact me within that time frame, should I contact him to see if the friendship is saveable? It has been a long time since we haven't spoke...
bluefeather Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Well, he called me and asked me out. First, I said yes to him but then I sent him a message on Facebook turning him down. He answered back and he seemed to be okay with it but he hasn't contacted me since. Explain "turning him down." Did you say, "Sorry, but I prefer for us to just be friends," or did you just decline the date? One message is clear; the other sends mixed signals.
Author moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Explain "turning him down." Did you say, "Sorry, but I prefer for us to just be friends," or did you just decline the date? One message is clear; the other sends mixed signals. I told him that I only see him as a friend.
basil67 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I understand that for now - but what if. What sort of time frame should I give him and if he won't contact me within that time frame, should I contact him to see if the friendship is saveable? It has been a long time since we haven't spoke... At the very least, he should have a looong break so that he can get over his romantic feelings for you. But it's most likely that those feelings will not die while he's hanging out with you. It would be unfair to put him in the position of having you there but not able to love you like he wants to. Also, think about how cruel it would be if you date someone else while this guy is close to you with his unrequited feelings. Not forgetting how weird it would be for your new date to have you being close friends with someone who has a crush on you. Chances are you're going to have to say goodbye to this friendship.
bluefeather Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I told him that I only see him as a friend. Ok, that's good. Then it seems more up to what kind of person he is and how he values you. Some guys can get over their emotions. Some can't. Some guys will be ok with it, but respectfully need to step out of the picture for some time in order to get over their feelings for you. Others will pretend to be ok with it, but secretly stick around as your "friend," hoping that you will one day take him as something more. I believe these people are called "orbiters." These kinds of people are liars and disrespectful. You can wait and see if he comes around if you like. Or you can ask him what's up, since you guys are supposed to be friends and that's what friends do. There are still other variables. Maybe he's embarrassed. You won't know until either one of you initiates contact again. I would try not to worry, but since you are already putting so much thought into this, someone who can read people should be able to get a pretty decent feeling about what's going on by just reaching out and observing how they react. You know this person better than we do.
preraph Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Either he doesn't want to be friends because he's been hiding romantic feelings this whole time and doesn't want to just be friends OR he's sane enough to know that he won't get past his sexual feelilngs for you as long as he's still around you and needs to move on OR he's humiliated and embarrassed now, which he should be for concealing his feelings all this time so you'd let him hang around. Now if you contact him, to him that means you changed your mind and do want to have sex with him and be his girlfriend. You've told him no, he's left. If you call him back, you're just jacking with him. He very well may find some excuse to come crawling back because he can't take no for an answer or because he thinks if he works on you long enough, you'll give in, like in the movies. That's not really healthy, is it? I think you should leave him alone. And if he recontacts, you need to remind him you have no romantic feelings and it's never going to happen. It's a rare few who will truly accept that and try to be just friends. He will never give you that kind of attention again, though. He was using the friendship to stay close to you and hoped for sex and romance. 1
Author moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Either he doesn't want to be friends because he's been hiding romantic feelings this whole time and doesn't want to just be friends OR he's sane enough to know that he won't get past his sexual feelilngs for you as long as he's still around you and needs to move on OR he's humiliated and embarrassed now, which he should be for concealing his feelings all this time so you'd let him hang around. I know for a fact that he started to like me not a long while ago, so I don't think he feels humiliated for concealing feelings from me. We were truly friends to start with. As far as I can track it back, it probably started about a month ago only (now thinking back and noticing the signs).
Author moonface Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Ok, that's good. Then it seems more up to what kind of person he is and how he values you. Some guys can get over their emotions. Some can't. Some guys will be ok with it, but respectfully need to step out of the picture for some time in order to get over their feelings for you. Others will pretend to be ok with it, but secretly stick around as your "friend," hoping that you will one day take him as something more. I believe these people are called "orbiters." These kinds of people are liars and disrespectful. You can wait and see if he comes around if you like. Or you can ask him what's up, since you guys are supposed to be friends and that's what friends do. There are still other variables. Maybe he's embarrassed. You won't know until either one of you initiates contact again. I would try not to worry, but since you are already putting so much thought into this, someone who can read people should be able to get a pretty decent feeling about what's going on by just reaching out and observing how they react. You know this person better than we do. Thank you. I mentioned to someone else that I know for a fact that he only likes me for a few weeks. It hasn't been a year for sure. Things just changed in him but not in me. I actually might liked him a little bit at the beginning of our friendship - I don't even know for sure as I never seen it through. He is just a very warm person, kind, helpful and easy to be around. He helped me through a difficult time just by being there and I would feel sorry to end like this.
Lex30 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) I was in the same position as your friend is in now a few years back. I fell in love with my best female friend. It took me sometime to get over it, I was pretty hurt when I got rejected and the best thing for me mentally was to stop communication with her for awhile, clear my mind and try to date. He is going to need time though, could be months and its possible it may be even longer. One thing my friend did a week after she rejected me was send me a text saying she knows I am hurt right now and that she cares about me and will always be there for me as a best friend. She also said she understands if I don't want anything to do with her but she'll always be there for me on her end. She ended the text saying she was not mad at all for me not wanting to talk to her, never worry about that. At the time I didn't really think much of it or respond as I was still hurt. But a few weeks later I had started to get over it and I thought back about what nice gesture for her to do that. She sent me the signal she still cares about me and that on her end things will be fine when I am ready to talk to her again. It made it so much easier for me to contact her weeks down the road knowing she held no ill will for me going silent on her for 2 months. Eventually I contacted her when I was in a better place mentally and we slowly became good friends again, it just took time. Edited March 23, 2016 by Lex30 2
Zahara Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 What if he never comes around? Then he never comes around. You can't view this just from your perspective. It may hard for him to be around you and stay platonic. Just as he has to respect your need to just stay friends, you have to respect his decision, whatever it may be. Also, he called you to ask you out. You said yes and then you couldn't call him to explain yourself but rather just send a FB message declining? Why didn't you call him and talk to him? This is someone you so call value and respect. 1
Author moonface Posted March 24, 2016 Author Posted March 24, 2016 Then he never comes around. You can't view this just from your perspective. It may hard for him to be around you and stay platonic. Just as he has to respect your need to just stay friends, you have to respect his decision, whatever it may be. Also, he called you to ask you out. You said yes and then you couldn't call him to explain yourself but rather just send a FB message declining? Why didn't you call him and talk to him? This is someone you so call value and respect. I know... it was a little selfish... I found it easier to tell him this on FB than on the phone... I made a mistake.
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