financial issues: how to discuss?

[90s kid]

I get how that can be irritating. I wouldn't want someone to tell me what I should be paying for. It seem like he's unsure that you'll split expenses with him and he feel like he needs to constantly tell you in order for you to do it.

 

 

My suggestion is to split every bill 50/50 so you never have to keep track of who pays for what when. You will just have an understanding that you will always split the bill.

[BlueIris]

Already good comments.

 

You must talk about it, and with confidence about your own financial priorities. Don't feel less-than, or bottle it up. Tell him you can't afford - and maybe don't want to spend money on- X, Y or Z. When he makes a comment like "next time you pay," say something like, "I'll cook and rent a movie." You'll find out pretty quickly how well you two fit in your views on money and spending.

[Lady2163]

I don't know that I have anything new to add.

 

But I was going to say, pay your own dinner bill and entertainment bill. I'm a pro at asking for my own check.

 

But you do need to have the discussion. You're going to be moving in together - will you have a job? Will you still be a student? How much are you able to contribute? Do you have any idea what the monthly expenses will be?

 

He is 13 years older than you are and has already been through that starving student time in his life. Short of committing a crime, starving students will....uhm....take advantage of situations and sometimes people. He may be doing what he's doing so HE doesn't feel like he is being used for his checkbook.

 

I'm not sure I'm totally onboard with splitting all bills 50-50 when you move in together. Yes, absolutely, that is the "fair" thing to do. But is it realistic? Let's say rent is $900 and the garage is $100. He's the only one who parks his car in there. I don't think you should have to pay for that.

 

My formula when I was poor was this: after bills were paid, I needed $500 a month for Food, household supplies, gasoline and cigarettes. Anything left was for fun.

Bills

Necessities

Entertainment

 

Note: car maintenance and home maintenance cut into my entertainment. They were not scheduled bills. Some months it sucked.

 

You need to figure out what you need for category one and two.

 

But, yeah - you have to talk about this.

[Sunny123321]

Now he wants to go to the beach and stay at resort in August. Already started planning stuff. Definitely time to talk.

[Standard-Fare]

Now he wants to go to the beach and stay at resort in August. Already started planning stuff. Definitely time to talk.

 

Yep - as others have said, you two are just at very different stages of your lives, and these problems are going to come up more and more frequently.

 

Unfortunately the compromises that must be made here, for the relationship to survive, will be uncomfortable. From your end, I fear that might involve racking up some credit card debt. From his end, he faces the choice of a) giving up of a lot of things he wants to do out of respect for your financial situation, or b) taking on a sugar daddy role, with you feeling guilty all the while.

 

None of this ideal, or easy, so that does raise the question of whether you two are compatible long-term.

[Lady2163]

Now he wants to go to the beach and stay at resort in August. Already started planning stuff. Definitely time to talk.

 

Tell him point - blank how much you can afford to put towards the trip. And let him know that includes meals, drinks, lodging and all entertainment. Of course if you're a shopper or souvenir buyer, it goes without saying that you spend minimally on that.

[katiegrl]

Yep - as others have said, you two are just at very different stages of your lives, and these problems are going to come up more and more frequently.

 

Unfortunately the compromises that must be made here, for the relationship to survive, will be uncomfortable. From your end, I fear that might involve racking up some credit card debt. From his end, he faces the choice of a) giving up of a lot of things he wants to do out of respect for your financial situation, or b) taking on a sugar daddy role, with you feeling guilty all the while.

None of this ideal, or easy, so that does raise the question of whether you two are compatible long-term.

 

Just thought I'd chime in to say I am currently dating a guy who probably makes four times as much as I do (perhaps more).

 

He rented a cottage in the country for us next weekend (3 days) which I know is NOT cheap!

 

He also takes me out to dinner at super nice places and while I offered to pay last Friday night, he wouldn't hear of it.

 

I also offered to leave the tip...again he wouldn't hear of it.

 

We went to a pub last Sunday though, I met a couple of his friends (for the first time) and he DID let me buy him a beer! LOL

 

I told him it would make ME feel better!

 

He is neither my sugar daddy nor do I feel guilty! That's crazy. We are dating!

Again he makes way more than I, he insists and plus we would never be able to afford these things had I been required to split the bill.

 

I am still the same independent, free-spirited girl I was when I met him and I have NO intention of changing that while dating him.

 

After this weekend, I intend on inviting him over and cooking the best damn dinner I can muster... which, since I don't cook, will be quite a feat! lol

 

But it will be good!

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Sunny123321]

Just thought I'd chime in to say I am currently dating a guy who probably makes four times as much as I do (perhaps more).

 

He rented a cottage in the country for us next weekend (3 days) which I know is NOT cheap!

 

He also takes me out to dinner at super nice places and while I offered to pay last Friday night, he wouldn't hear of it.

 

I also offered to leave the tip...again he wouldn't hear of it.

 

We went to a pub last Sunday though, I met a couple of his friends (for the first time) and he DID let me buy him a beer! LOL

 

I told him it would make ME feel better!

 

He is neither my sugar daddy nor do I feel guilty! That's crazy. We are dating!

Again he makes way more than I, he insists and plus we would never be able to afford these things had I been required to split the bill.

 

I am still the same independent, free-spirited girl I was when I met him and I have NO intention of changing that while dating him.

 

After this weekend, I intend on inviting him over and cooking the best damn dinner I can muster... which, since I don't cook, will be quite a feat! lol

 

But it will be good!

 

Sounds like you are having a perfect caring man! I am super happy for you! Be happy

[Standard-Fare]

 

He is neither my sugar daddy nor do I feel guilty! That's crazy. We are dating!

Again he makes way more than I, he insists and plus we would never be able to afford these things had I been required to split the bill.

 

I am still the same independent, free-spirited girl I was when I met him and I have NO intention of changing that while dating him.

 

I think this works when the generous gestures are a sporadic treat, but when it becomes the established pattern of functioning for a relationship - that dynamic is just lopsided and uncomfortable. And I'm not saying that's your situation, it sounds like it isn't.

[katiegrl]

Sounds like you are having a perfect caring man! I am super happy for you! Be happy

 

Thank you... I am .... and am still pinching myself!

 

You deserve a man like this too.

 

I don't necessarily mean a man with $$$... I mean a man who cares and who is generous with what he does have.... and not a penny pincher.

 

And when you have the means, you reciprocate in whatever way you BOTH are comfortable with!

 

Never settle!

[katiegrl]

I think this works when the generous gestures are a sporadic treat, but when it becomes the established pattern of functioning for a relationship - that dynamic is just lopsided and uncomfortable. And I'm not saying that's your situation, it sounds like it isn't.

 

Well we just started dating (five dates so far).... no sex yet, but after this weekend I expect that to change.

 

And when it does, I highly doubt we will be going out on every single date, and will probably be choosing to stay home many nights too (assuming all goes well this weekend...wink wink)..

 

So it should settle back more with maybe me learning to cook?? lol

 

And thus cooking more meals and giving back that way. And planning stuff for us to do too that doesn't cost as much, stuff that I can afford!

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl

[Leigh 87]

wow.

 

My experience with men who earn good money significantly more than their student gfs, and yet insist on splitting the bills?

 

They are tight wadds and not the most kind or generous people. In any which way.

 

Fair enough if you were working full time and you earnt roughy the same incomes. But he has a good job and you are a starving student.

 

Yes your financial situation is not technically HIS probem.. But LOL -- he chose to date you knowing you were a starving student. His actions shows that he just is not a very kind or generous person. I am not into people who think " welps, my partner who I am intimate with is broke but HEY, you should aways have to pay your own way in this world"

 

..yes I agree in paying your own way with the big things like rent groceries and bills.. But DATES? 6 dollar coke or coffees? LOL. Only a MASSIVE LOOSER would slit the bill with a darn coffee!

 

Wanting to split the bill for small things like coffees is indicative of a MASSIVE character flaw IMO......

 

Paying your own way with bills rent and groceries is fair. I am a poor student and yet I buy groceries and my own crap. And pay our phone bill as it is all I can afford where as he adffords rent. But my bf works full time so he pays for the dates and luxuries because he knows that hey, I cannot or should not be paying for such things and he ENJOYS treating me.

 

I really do not understand men like this one. Whenever I have worked full time in good jobs, I always LOVED being generous and spreading my good fortune.... If I went out with a student friend, I would ENJOY treating them because I was in a fortunate postion where I could treat them and still save/live well where as a meal out for them meant they would be eating noodles for one week.

 

I am generous and men like this are such a turn off just IMO.

[MovingOnIsHard]

Hmm.. I'm still trying to figure out the perfect compromise when it comes to paying for dates/treats with my bf.

 

When my bf couldn't find a job for 2 months, i understood that going out would be scarce because he couldn't afford it. I willingly paid for dates occassionally; though I admit sometimes i felt bitter about it. I don't mind paying my share for dates/treats, but I also like to be pampered and treated out like a lady. It gets tiring sometimes to hesitate when my bf offers to pay for stuff, knowing that he doesnt have as much disposable income as I do. Often times, i find myself keeping track of who pays what in my head, despite my bf saying "it's ok".. Because i can tell it's not really ok.

 

However, we did have a talk on the subject a few times and i confessed to him that I really liked being treated out once in a while, without worrying about " oh next time we go out it's my turn to pay". I dont know if it makes me selfish or not... Especially since i make more money than he does. I just liked being treated like a lady.

 

Now that he started his new job, I'm a little more lax and dont always jump at the chance to pay the bill.

[Lady2163]

The thing is OP has made the choice to date someone 13 years o,see than she is. He's at a different point in his life. He's already worked through those starving student days. He may have had to have one or even two jobs and go to college.

 

I've known a lot of people who have gotten Masters degrees while holding down a full time job in their chosen profession and a family as well. Sorry to say this, but if you are just going to school and only working part time or not at all, you may have problems with time management later in life.

 

A friend of mine had this schedule for three years. Up at 500 AM. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, prepare supper, study for a bit, take kids to school, work until 300, pick up kids, drop kids (usually at three different locations), school until 9 at night Monday thru Thursday. Repeat the next day. Essentially, she was on the go from 500 AM until 930 PM four days a week. She squeezed in studying and writing papers over her lunch hour.

 

So, boyfriend could either be clueless, holding her to his standard or just making sure she pulls her weight. He is expecting to live with you and is possibly expecting you to be as mature as he is. You aren't at the same stage in life. You can either sink or swim.

 

All this is moot, if you don't TALK TO HIM about this. You need to tell him your financial limitations. Otherwise you will always be unhappy. I just wouldn't lead with how much you dislike the score keeping aspect. I don't think there's any way for that to not sound like you think he should pay for everything.

[Sunny123321]

The thing is OP has made the choice to date someone 13 years o,see than she is. He's at a different point in his life. He's already worked through those starving student days. He may have had to have one or even two jobs and go to college.

 

I've known a lot of people who have gotten Masters degrees while holding down a full time job in their chosen profession and a family as well. Sorry to say this, but if you are just going to school and only working part time or not at all, you may have problems with time management later in life.

 

A friend of mine had this schedule for three years. Up at 500 AM. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, prepare supper, study for a bit, take kids to school, work until 300, pick up kids, drop kids (usually at three different locations), school until 9 at night Monday thru Thursday. Repeat the next day. Essentially, she was on the go from 500 AM until 930 PM four days a week. She squeezed in studying and writing papers over her lunch hour.

 

So, boyfriend could either be clueless, holding her to his standard or just making sure she pulls her weight. He is expecting to live with you and is possibly expecting you to be as mature as he is. You aren't at the same stage in life. You can either sink or swim.

 

All this is moot, if you don't TALK TO HIM about this. You need to tell him your financial limitations. Otherwise you will always be unhappy. I just wouldn't lead with how much you dislike the score keeping aspect. I don't think there's any way for that to not sound like you think he should pay for everything.

Trust me I am not a lazy butt who doesn't want to get a job while being at school. The reason I am so called "starving student" is cos I am an international student and doing my gradschool here. I do want to stay in US but so far no luck with internships either. According to my visa I am allowed to work only at school, due to this I work as a TA. If I am allowed to work outside of school, I 'd definitely work as a waitress or smth like that just to make a little bit more money.

[Shining One]

OP, I'll echo what others have said. You need to have a conversation about this. There are ways to contribute to a relationship that aren't financial. Explain to him that you can't match his financial contributions to the relationship, but you can do other things instead.

 

I make a lot more than my girlfriend, but we still treat each other. I'll take us out to a $200 dinner/movie night and she'll treat us to a $50 dinner/movie night. Have you suggested taking turns planning dates / paying for dates? This way, you can keep the dates you plan within your financial means.

[Lady2163]

Trust me I am not a lazy butt who doesn't want to get a job while being at school. The reason I am so called "starving student" is cos I am an international student and doing my gradschool here. I do want to stay in US but so far no luck with internships either. According to my visa I am allowed to work only at school, due to this I work as a TA. If I am allowed to work outside of school, I 'd definitely work as a waitress or smth like that just to make a little bit more money.

 

I'm in a small town with a small college. International students (male and female) usually earn extra money through babysitting, animal sitting/dog walking, house sitting, yard work, house cleaning and miscellaneous chores. Minimum wage is less than $8.00 an hour and these kids usually make $10-15 an hour and since it is off the books, they don't pay taxes.

 

They usually get jobs through people at their churches or through staff at the schoo,s they work with.

 

Back in the old days, when I worked off the books, I worked for LESS than minimum wage. It sucked, but I was able to juggle school and the work.

 

I don't know how much longer you have left of school. If it is more than a year, it might be in your interest to get some contacts going for this type of work.

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, OP I think you are picking up on him being a tightwad. It's not an attractive trait at all. That's why the "reminders" are the most annoying part to you. Because he is OBVIOUSLY keeping score. You may fundamentally have issues with people in serious dating relationships who do that (which I fully agree with and wouldn't want!). Ok, so enough of us have agreed that your anger is justified. Even those who do not think it is a big deal, have the next right step: you can't keep stewing about this--you need to discuss it. My guess is that it is not really resolvable which is probably deep down why it bugs you. These are inherent traits normally and even though you should speak up if there is something that you each can do to come to some understanding, the reality is that things like this are about values and unlikely to change. AND continue to be a source of problems that would just grow.

 

The nail polish thing would have me over the edge. It is a minor purchase and yet he is riding you on it. Ugh, it's telling. Sounds a little like he likes the benefit of a younger gf but the reality of you two being in two different stages of life he doesn't want to share or contribute to. Just wants you to stretch your means to his level (ie the new trip he is planning). The selfishness and stinginess, if that is what it is, does not go away so if i were in your shoes I would bolt. Doesn't matter how 'perfect' he is in other ways. Good luck

[acrosstheuniverse]

The comment 'babe the nail polish is only $10, why not buy it? When you're working you won't even think about it' would have irritated me, it shows that he has no clue about how tight your finances are, which is strange when he knows you're a student and can't afford the flights. I'm earning a pretty good wage but I still have to carefully think of and make notes of outgoings like that to stay afloat and maintain a bit of an emergency fund rather than living pay check to pay check. It's called being financially responsible... Spend ten dollars here or there without noticing and pretty soon you've blown your food budget for the week!

 

When I was dating as a student I remember dating one guy who is a pharmacist, earning probably double or maybe triple what I was living on. I remember one night we had a late night date after I finished my 12 hour workday (and I used to normally work 15 hours per day, and work all seven days in the week, up to around 80 hours p/w), I mentioned I was tired and he was like 'why don't you just give up one of your jobs?' As though I was working myself into the ground with multiple jobs for the fun of it. It kinda put me off the relationship, realising we were such different people in different places, he'd never had to struggle financially and had a huge savings fund from his parents, lived in their empty house etc while I was putting myself through a MA alone, no family support, living independently and with so little money I often couldn't afford medication.

 

However, the fact you won't talk to him about this is all on you. You need to learn to start opening your mouth more! I couldn't work out from your OP what the issue was, it seemed like you didn't like going Dutch but also didn't like taking it in turns. But from reading on it seems more like you resent him being so stingy with his money when you are finding it hard to keep up. I can only echo what others have said: be completely transparent with him. Next time he makes a comment about nail polish like that, you look right at him and say 'that's half my week's food budget, you know I'm not working yet', hammer it home. If he offers a date you can't afford, suggest you do something else that is free or cheap, a small picnic in the park is less than a fancy lunch and just as fun and enjoyable. But you have to start talking up for yourself and being honest about your limitations rather than silently struggling and then resenting him when he expects you to pay your own way!

 

If you're moving in together this is absolutely an imperative. You have to have pretty much total transparency about the things that affect one another, such as how much you can contribute, how you wanna handle the bills, your income if it's low enough that it might cause issues affording things. In the UK when you open a shared bank account with someone they're then linked to your credit report and can affect your credit rating. I still have a link on mine to an ex from six years ago. My partner and I have both had a very dark history with money and debt but I feel being honest about that stuff actually brought us closer together, plus we are more understanding and supportive of each other and there are no nasty surprises. I earn more and have no debt now whereas he earns a little less (although in the past six months he's almost caught up) and has a tonne of debt left and I'm always more than happy to lend him cash or pay for stuff if he is really at the end of his cash as I know what that's like. It could have been very stressful for us both to have to feel we were hiding that stuff from each other, plus when you love someone it's nice to be vulnerable and to see whether they run from you or stick around when the shiny newness of dating wears off and you learn about each other's flaws.

 

Time for an honest sit down discussion about how you want to handle spending when you're together. Going Dutch? Taking turns to pay? Setting a weekly budget for entertainment? When you're a LDR it's tempting to spend all of your days together eating out, going to concerts etc like you're on holiday but spending some days just indoors watching movies together and acting like you will be on an average day living together should be fun if you enjoy each others company and give you a taste of what domesticity would feel like. What if when its his turn to pay you go for a dinner, if he wants that, and your turn you find a cool free exhibition to go to? You need to know whether he's okay with that.

 

Having struggled with money seriously while dating guys who were earning a lot more than me, I'm used now to being totally transparent, if i can't afford it I'll say it. To be honest if you're saying 'no' to stuff cos you can't afford it, that should be an attractive quality to your boyfriend. It shows financial responsibility, and that you are trying to live within your means. These days I have a proper financial planning system going on with pen and paper in my daily diary, I write down exactly what I get paid, what I owe out for essentials like bills and rent, what I can afford to save and what that leaves me with per week to spend on day to day stuff. If I want something I can't afford from the week's allowance, I divide the cost up and knock it off future weeks' allowances. It's helped me to keep track of exactly what I have and to save for big things and keeps me on track rather than looking at my available balance (which is often not up to date depending on the store), seeing I have the cash there and spending on something I shouldn't really with a knot in my stomach!

 

Let us know how you get on?

[Leigh 87]

On the other hand, if you go to the store with your bf and you get 2 cokes and 2 chocolate bars and the bill is 6$. Would you expect to split the bill?

 

That is also what I am facing and to be honest it is weird to me

 

He is a good for nothing penny pincher. LOL.

 

Sorry to say but this is absolutely pathetic. Splitting 6 dollars?

 

Look, people who are successful shouldn't be expected to pay the way of everyone else. I get it. But when it's 6 dollars and your gf is a starving student. . And insist on STILL paying your own way with a 6 dollar purchase. .....

 

There is something seriously mean spirated about splitting the bill over candy when you're on a high income.

 

This guy sounds like he'll absolutely never make you feel spoilt or pampered. Now I get that not all women want to feel a bit spoilt ever now and again. But most do. It makes you feel feminine and desirable when men, especially well off men , treat you now and again.

[Leigh 87]

The thing is OP has made the choice to date someone 13 years o,see than she is. He's at a different point in his life. He's already worked through those starving student days. He may have had to have one or even two jobs and go to college.

 

I've known a lot of people who have gotten Masters degrees while holding down a full time job in their chosen profession and a family as well. Sorry to say this, but if you are just going to school and only working part time or not at all, you may have problems with time management later in life.

 

A friend of mine had this schedule for three years. Up at 500 AM. Laundry, dishes, cleaning, prepare supper, study for a bit, take kids to school, work until 300, pick up kids, drop kids (usually at three different locations), school until 9 at night Monday thru Thursday. Repeat the next day. Essentially, she was on the go from 500 AM until 930 PM four days a week. She squeezed in studying and writing papers over her lunch hour.

 

So, boyfriend could either be clueless, holding her to his standard or just making sure she pulls her weight. He is expecting to live with you and is possibly expecting you to be as mature as he is. You aren't at the same stage in life. You can either sink or swim.

 

All this is moot, if you don't TALK TO HIM about this. You need to tell him your financial limitations. Otherwise you will always be unhappy. I just wouldn't lead with how much you dislike the score keeping aspect. I don't think there's any way for that to not sound like you think he should pay for everything.

 

 

 

Not every student should havs to holda full time job if they are studying a difficult degree that doesn't run night classes and leaving little opportunity for fulltime hours ( not just everyone ca find a full time bar job.... u need experience in the industry to get full time work in that arena nit just anyone can just waltz on up and expect a full time evening job)

 

It's absurd that you think she is " lazy" and will sruggle with time management simply because ahe only opts to work part time with a full time study load.

 

I worked 3 to 4 jobs before. And now I study full time and work 2 days a week. I don't personally find it any easier to study from morning until night snd then have to be up at 5am sat and Sunday for my weekend job.... it was easier just working 6 days a week without the studying in the mix.

 

Only a callous tight wadd would hold their starving studuent girlfriend up to their same standards when they now have a well paid job.

 

Men who are kind and generous normally feel compassion for their gfs when they are in a tight student budget. Alll the nice guys I've dated have told me that it must suck to not work full time and be in a student budget and they WANTED to treat me to things. As men, they felt good being able to provide and support me when we went out on dates that really you need a full time job in order to pay for.

 

Generous and kind people tend to want to great those who are low income earners yet are working hard in their studies.

 

I find the whole " well I busted me @ss working 80 hourweeks on top of my fulltime study load, so you too need to suck it up and pay your own way and get a full timejob if you wanna go on fancy dates wirh me" attitude to be mean spirated. Sure, there's no such thing as a free lunch and people need to pay their own way in life but MAN oh MAN in a relationship it should be different!! This isn't a Stanger. If you truly doing well n life and are in a well paid job, kind and he brought people naturally want to cut their starving student partners a break and even spoil thema bit by taking them out for dates that they otherwise cannot afford.

 

Heck, I had a FWB who aas well paid and he would always treat me because he knew I was a a student. ....

[PogoStick]

Clearly you need to setup a system for how you two will handle money. You agree to pay for all of your things, and he pays for his. Then tell him to keep his mouth shut about money.

 

You definitely need to communicate and lay down the ground rules in the relationship. And I agree, maybe you're not in a financial position to be in a LDR that requires flights to see each other.

[scooby-philly]

I am OK with splitting and stuff like that. I am insecure about it tbh, as in my previous relationship my ex during the break up pretty much gave me a list of what he spent on me ( on words though). And as I would never tolerate it, couple weeks later I just sent him a check with all the money he spent on me (it was an approximate amount, but still). Due to this whenever I go out I always always always split, 'cos I dont want to be in this dissapointing situation again.

 

Concerning my bf, even on Christmas we went to his parents' place and he wrote his name only on cards. No mine. It is not like I dont like his family and I did not get them smth. TO me the issue was that there was his family ( 7 people) and him. I could afford to get present for him and my family members. I still don't have enough courage to ask him why he wouldnt write my name on the card as well. Cos I felt like a loser for a while tbh.

And he s 13 years older than me. I am 25 he is 38. Is it really one of those things men dont get and should be told ....

 

 

I'm glad you mentioned the age gap between you two...... I'm not saying this is him/his behavior. But....i know from my own experience - both people have to accept where the other person is in their life NOW - not where they will be - where they are NOW. That's why you see most things like a 20 year old dating a 50 year old not working out in the long run. People change - if you're close enough in age you're usually in the same situation or the older one is just out of it. The gap suggests something to me. But more so, his behaviors. There's nothing wrong with demanding reasonable activities and spending within limit - even the "lower earner's" limit. As i mentioned, what people didn't get with your original post is you're hurt by HIS WORDS and ACTIONS - not by the situation or his choices.

 

That crazy ex i mentioned used to say **** like "I was trying to control her - if she made as much money as I did I wouldn't be able to control her". Well, 3 ex husbands, her parents, her brother, almost all her friends (deep down) could admit that no one could control her - that she was probably given anything she ever wanted as a kid and never held responsible for anything and quite frankly - at 40 with 40k in debt, no savings, going to go towards 60k - 90k in debt as she tries to complete her bachelor's - guess what - she should have skipped college 20 years ago, moved to hawaii (or stayed in bali where she lived) and lived as a surfer for the rest of her life. My "trying to control her" was nothing more than trying to get her to be more communicative, more stable, etc. I never said I'd leave her, hit her, not love her if we didn't do things my way or we didn't do what I wanted. Heck most weekends where spent doing what she wanted. But in the end, you can't fix crazy.....lol

 

So for you - the question is what will the situation be like in 5 years.....and can you accept what that may entail? I just started hanging out with a friend from hs/college - her and her fiancee has disparate views on home ownership. It's it a deal-breaker?- I don't know. It could be for them. She wants to buy, to settle down, etc - he's from a successful family and views ownership as a weight. She can probably go out and buy a house on her own. It appears even from casual conversation that this is important to her. So I hope they can come to terms over the difference.

 

For me, this kind of split would be. I don't necessarily care about a women's hobbies, what she does for a living, etc - my deal-breakers are similar sex drive, balance between home life /going out, financial level-headedness - I'm not going t get mad if she buys new shoes. If there's no money in the bank and 100 pairs in the closet - guess what - ain't going to work out.

 

So OP - it seems like he may not be considerate of you/your situation and feelings. Hope you can work this out.

[Lady2163]

Not every student should havs to holda full time job if they are studying a difficult degree that doesn't run night classes and leaving little opportunity for fulltime hours ( not just everyone ca find a full time bar job.... u need experience in the industry to get full time work in that arena nit just anyone can just waltz on up and expect a full time evening job)

 

It's absurd that you think she is " lazy" and will sruggle with time management simply because ahe only opts to work part time with a full time study load.

 

I worked 3 to 4 jobs before. And now I study full time and work 2 days a week. I don't personally find it any easier to study from morning until night snd then have to be up at 5am sat and Sunday for my weekend job.... it was easier just working 6 days a week without the studying in the mix.

 

Only a callous tight wadd would hold their starving studuent girlfriend up to their same standards when they now have a well paid job.

 

Men who are kind and generous normally feel compassion for their gfs when they are in a tight student budget. Alll the nice guys I've dated have told me that it must suck to not work full time and be in a student budget and they WANTED to treat me to things. As men, they felt good being able to provide and support me when we went out on dates that really you need a full time job in order to pay for.

 

Generous and kind people tend to want to great those who are low income earners yet are working hard in their studies.

 

I find the whole " well I busted me @ss working 80 hourweeks on top of my fulltime study load, so you too need to suck it up and pay your own way and get a full timejob if you wanna go on fancy dates wirh me" attitude to be mean spirated. Sure, there's no such thing as a free lunch and people need to pay their own way in life but MAN oh MAN in a relationship it should be different!! This isn't a Stanger. If you truly doing well n life and are in a well paid job, kind and he brought people naturally want to cut their starving student partners a break and even spoil thema bit by taking them out for dates that they otherwise cannot afford.

 

Heck, I had a FWB who aas well paid and he would always treat me because he knew I was a a student. ....

 

I've been in the military and I've been in Masters level classes. Guess which one was easier?

 

And while I was a 3.9 student, here's what I leaned: at the end of the day, my diploma looks like everyone else's. I'm not sure other than doctor or lawyer that I know of any employer who wants to know class rank or asks for college transcripts. What I'm saying is: the person who is getting C's is going to be applying for the same jobs and making the same pay as some who is getting A's.

 

OP has a valid REASON why she doesn't have a traditional part time or full time job. But, if I was looking at two candidates for a job and one of them worked 16 hours a week while going to college and another one worked 32 hours a week while carrying the same schedule, that's going to be a tipping point.

 

I partied too much my first time at college. I blew my chance to go to college, get my degree in four years while working menial jobs part time. Going back as a married adult, where I HAD to go full time school and work full time and take care of a house/husband was exhausting.

 

I think all too often people seem to think college is just as stressful as a full time job and these poor dears shouldn't be expected to pull 16-18 hour days. We're treating these adult adolescents like delicate flowers when their peers in the military are getting shot and killed. And would love an 8 hour day.

 

We don't know what the OP degree is in, how much time she has left in her program or what her earning potential is. I've known several people who have received a Masters in Education from a prestigious school a few hours away. For most of their 15 classes they just had to show up and write the tuition check.

 

And I've been in Masters classes that were challenging and classes that were show up, participate, keep a journal of sorts and that was it.