financial issues: how to discuss?

[Sunny123321]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 months already. We love each other, we make future plans and etc. I am a Masters student and he has a very good job already. We are having long distance relationship for last 3 months. I am super happy in this relationship and I am sure he is too, yet we are facing the problem that drives me crazy. As I am a student I can not afford flying and seeing him, so I had to tell him to fly in instead. Here is his response: " I might fly you over here then. The weather is much better." We stayed together for 11 days and we split everything 50/50: groceries, dinners and etc. I don't mind paying 50/50 but he says stuff like "Here is favorite part of the date, splitting the bill", "Babe, why didn't you buy that nailpolish? it was 10$? When you work you won't pay attention to price. You will just get it.", "It is ok I will pay for dinner tonight. You can get lunch tomorrow". That really pisses me off, as I am tired of counting and thinking "Oh , he payed today so I need to pay tomorrow". I just don't feel like it is natural . Obviously, I get mad at it and he asks me to talk to him and explain what is wrong. But I am not sure how to start the conversation about it... And what if he says "Why are you nagging, I paid for your ticket?"

 

Has anyone been in situation like that? Could you advice what to do please?

[Emilia]

I don't understand what the issue is. You don't like keeping a tab on whose turn it is to pay?

[Sunny123321]

I don't understand what the issue is. You don't like keeping a tab on whose turn it is to pay?

 

Yes. It is tiring. Moreover, we are planning to move in together soon and I don't want to open fridge one day and say "Oh, I can't touch this 'cos he bought it. I will go and buy for myself". The whole situation right now gives me this kind of feeling

[No_Go]

Would you be okay if you both were NOT keeping track and you end up paying for more of the expenses? The reason he keeps track is to assure it's fair for both.

 

I think moving together after long distance dating for 3 months is super premature. For a LDR even an year will be premature.

 

Yes. It is tiring. Moreover, we are planning to move in together soon and I don't want to open fridge one day and say "Oh, I can't touch this 'cos he bought it. I will go and buy for myself". The whole situation right now gives me this kind of feeling

[Emilia]

So what's your solution? That he should pay?

[smackie9]

I think he is making this pretty clear that if he is paying for a flight out to see you, at least you could pay for half of the meals and entertainment. That seems fair to me.

 

Your lack of money is not his responsibility because he is the man or makes more than you. If you can't afford this LDR then don't have one then because it does require a lot of money spent in flights, etc.

[acapelo_dp]

I don't see what the huge issue is honestly. Yes you are a student but long distance relationships can be quite expensive even for someone with a good job. My boyfriend and I live together and he makes about 30 grand more than me a year and we still split rent and the dinner bill or takes turns paying got lunch or dates unless it's a special occasion then he will pay. You can't really expect him to pay for everything. But if it bothers you then have a discussion wth him about it.

What do you want to see happen? Him paying a bit more?

[Emilia]

I'm out or away with people all the time and we split bills. It's a habit. I don't get what the deal is.

[SwordofFlame]

It sounds like you want him to pay more because he makes a lot more money than you and some men would agree with that. He doesn't. I wonder if this a financial compatibility issue?

[Sunny123321]

It sounds like you want him to pay more because he makes a lot more money than you and some men would agree with that. He doesn't. I wonder if this a financial compatibility issue?

 

I'm out or away with people all the time and we split bills. It's a habit. I don't get what the deal is.

 

I don't see what the huge issue is honestly. Yes you are a student but long distance relationships can be quite expensive even for someone with a good job. My boyfriend and I live together and he makes about 30 grand more than me a year and we still split rent and the dinner bill or takes turns paying got lunch or dates unless it's a special occasion then he will pay. You can't really expect him to pay for everything. But if it bothers you then have a discussion wth him about it.

What do you want to see happen? Him paying a bit more?

 

I think he is making this pretty clear that if he is paying for a flight out to see you, at least you could pay for half of the meals and entertainment. That seems fair to me.

 

Your lack of money is not his responsibility because he is the man or makes more than you. If you can't afford this LDR then don't have one then because it does require a lot of money spent in flights, etc.

 

 

No no no. I don't want him to pay for me all the time. I am just not happy with the comments he is making. He doesn't have to tell me "you will pay for the next one or something like that", cos even if he doesnt tell me this I am still going to pay for my half. I am just not happy with him reminding this to me all the time

[Emilia]

Maybe because you never had a conversation properly. Try to sit down with him and say you want to contribute 50% and not to keep reminding you because you are a big girl

 

He might be a nag, that could be a problem

[Sunny123321]

Maybe because you never had a conversation properly. Try to sit down with him and say you want to contribute 50% and not to keep reminding you because you are a big girl

 

He might be a nag, that could be a problem

 

On the other hand, if you go to the store with your bf and you get 2 cokes and 2 chocolate bars and the bill is 6$. Would you expect to split the bill?

 

That is also what I am facing and to be honest it is weird to me

[Emilia]

On the other hand, if you go to the store with your bf and you get 2 cokes and 2 chocolate bars and the bill is 6$. Would you expect to split the bill?

 

That is also what I am facing and to be honest it is weird to me

 

But why not talk to him? The person who is silent is as much at fault as the one talking.

[Sunny123321]

But why not talk to him? The person who is silent is as much at fault as the one talking.

 

I just don't know how to start. Usually what happens is that I put up with the problem, then get sick of it, mad and during my anger I spill it out. And as I don't want this to happen this time I am trying to figure out a polite, not rude way of starting this conversation with him.

 

Cos I can't tell him "Hey babe, we didn't have to split them 6$ . " he 'd ask me why and my response would be "cos it is stupid!"

 

*just an example*

[PrettyEmily77]

I just don't know how to start. Usually what happens is that I put up with the problem, then get sick of it, mad and during my anger I spill it out. And as I don't want this to happen this time I am trying to figure out a polite, not rude way of starting this conversation with him.

 

Cos I can't tell him "Hey babe, we didn't have to split them 6$ . " he 'd ask me why and my response would be "cos it is stupid!"

 

*just an example*

 

I can see your point and tbh I'd feel the same.

 

I've no personal experience of that but how about next time this happens, pick the tab and gauge his reaction? You can take that reaction (or non reaction) as a cue to start talking about it?

[CarrieT]

You are going to need to bring the subject up at some point - especially before you move in together. That is critical.

 

For many, those who co-habitate open a joint, household account into which both parties contribute an equal amount. This household account would pay for rent, utilities, and groceries - regardless of who eats what or how much!

 

Finances destroys as many relationships as infidelity. What is also critical is how you two view your finances... Here is an example: I am a recent, middle-aged newlywed. I had been single for 25 years when I met and got engaged to a doctor. Now he is far from wealthy as he pays a bit in alimony and raising his three teen-age kids. When we started dating, because I am a professional food writer, one of the things I spend money on is fine dining. This was new to him and he considers it a waste of money. A compromise had to be arranged.

 

I also hate the house we are now living in (as a trained chef, the kitchen is beyond antiquated for my tastes) = another compromise was discussed; I could have a state-of-the-art kitchen or we could travel extensively.

 

For some, their discretionary income is spent on clothes, or travel, or dining out, or entertainment and for a new partner, they may think that the other person's "fun money" is a waste - that it could be better spent on X, Y, or Z.

 

All these things MUST be discussed beforehand and definitely before you decide to live together or you might get into one of those stupid fights where you are pissed your boyfriend is buying sports gear when you need a new dishwasher and he's pissed that you are buying nail polish but can't afford to go to some concert with him.

[Emilia]

I just don't know how to start. Usually what happens is that I put up with the problem, then get sick of it, mad and during my anger I spill it out. And as I don't want this to happen this time I am trying to figure out a polite, not rude way of starting this conversation with him.

 

Cos I can't tell him "Hey babe, we didn't have to split them 6$ . " he 'd ask me why and my response would be "cos it is stupid!"

 

*just an example*

 

Yeah you have communication issues so you are posting an angry thread here instead of talking to him. That's just as bad, I think you should put this superiority thing to the side because you are part of the problem. Just ask for 10 minutes, tell him you feel it's discussed in too much detail and you would like to see for a few days if you can just take turns without reminders.

 

That would be a start. If it's a respect issue towards him, you have bigger problems.

[katiegrl]

 

My boyfriend and I live together and he makes about 30 grand more than me a year and we still split rent and the dinner bill or takes turns paying got lunch or dates unless it's a special occasion then he will pay.

 

Are you splitting 50/50, even though he makes $30K more a year than you?

 

That seems a bit much.

 

My ex and I lived together, we split the rent too, however since he made more than than I per year (approx 30k-50k more depending), the split was more like 75/25.

 

This way we could afford a super nice place since I could not afford a straight 50/50 split and still be comfortable financially.

 

It was HIS idea.

 

He paid for most of our dates... I bought a lot of the food though.

[katiegrl]

OP.... JMO of course but your bf seems like a bit of a penny pincher.

 

And what's with his jab about "if you worked, you'd be able to afford it."

 

Is he resentful you are not working, even though you're in school?

 

Sounds like it!

[d0nnivain]

Sunny

 

Does your BF know you are a student? If so, unless he is an idiot he knows you don't have a lot of disposable income. Therefore his constant reminders are him telling you in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to pay for you nor will he. I agree with you, such straight up pointed reminders are harsh especially from someone you care about. It tells me he is stingy.

 

I am not saying he is obligated to treat you, especially since he paid for your flight but he doesn't have to be so pointed in his reminders.

 

Money causes more break ups then anything. You do need to learn how to talk about it.

 

I suggest you always design dates you can afford, regardless of his budget. If he suggests something you can't afford, decline the invitation & tell him you are saying no to this activity because you can't afford to reciprocate.

 

When I made more money then my dates, I never rubbed it in somebody's face. When higher earners dated me, I still suggested economical dates.

[scooby-philly]

I think CarrieT said it best. (and great comments from others - d0nnavain, etc)

 

 

 

#1 - Financial issues = "Lifestyle Issues". I.E. - a relationship is two people getting together who have different habits, traditions, expectations, world views, etc. So to the point of one of the posters - you could see something he spends money on as a waste - if it's his "happiness" - then why attack it as long as he supports you?

 

#2 - Finances/lifestyle does lead to as many breakups as infidelity. Especially when someone gets established and rents or owns a home, the ability to discuss, compromise, & align either happens or it's goodbye.

 

#3 - Most people are missing your point. YOUR CONCERN IS HIS NAGGING REMINDERS!!! Don't know what people think you're complaining about the actual pattern - you just don't care for the way he talks to you. That's an important part to many people. Regardless of how he treats you in public, it's also important to see how he treats you in private. A good man might get angry from time to time or might get frustrated and scream - but this sort of "nagging" would wear on my. A few points:

 

----- Perhaps he's been with someone who was financially irresponsbile? Find out

 

---- Perhaps he's modeling behavior from one of his parents or his family had issues with finance.

 

---- Perhaps he's just really insecure and feels like he needs to keep you "in line" - I have no idea.

 

What you should do:

 

1. Tell him what he does, where/when, and how it makes you feel.

2. Ask him what the situation would be when you live together? How much more might he be making once you've got a job?

3. Figure out if he's got other ways of acting like this - talking down to you or not respecting you.

 

 

I hope you two can work it out or you can learn from the situation. Please keep us posted.

 

Scooby

 

 

 

PS - I dated a woman for a year. It lasted 11 months longer than it should. Said she was divorced and had 2 kids. 2-3 Weeks later it became "2 divorces, 3 kids (1 in another country and the 2 she has here in the US live with their dad - she's an immigrant to the US). 3 Months later - 3 divorces. She always ranted "you think you can control me because you make more money than me (and she was 40k in debt) - to which I always politely said no, I wasn't trying to control her - she was a crazy bitch who always did what she wanted regardless of the consequences. For example, she is an avid snowboarder. She went on two weekend trips 8-12 hours away twice the winter we were together. I went on one of those with her. We did a bus trip to canada over NYE's and she went while I explored the city. She did local places 3/4 weekends a month and 1 night a week and then right at the end of february one group planned another weekend away and she said no - she couldn't afford it and she was tired of it she had a great winter. 2 weeks later - she lost her job. What does she do - goes on the trip.

 

Moral of the story - lifestyle is an important part of any relationship.

[smackie9]

Yes. It is tiring. Moreover, we are planning to move in together soon and I don't want to open fridge one day and say "Oh, I can't touch this 'cos he bought it. I will go and buy for myself". The whole situation right now gives me this kind of feeling

 

 

If you live together then the bills and groceries should be 50/50 IMO. If you feel that is unfair, tell him know how you feel and see if he will make a compromise. If he doesn't like what you suggest then your relationship is already doomed.

[Sunny123321]

I think CarrieT said it best. (and great comments from others - d0nnavain, etc)

 

 

 

#1 - Financial issues = "Lifestyle Issues". I.E. - a relationship is two people getting together who have different habits, traditions, expectations, world views, etc. So to the point of one of the posters - you could see something he spends money on as a waste - if it's his "happiness" - then why attack it as long as he supports you?

 

#2 - Finances/lifestyle does lead to as many breakups as infidelity. Especially when someone gets established and rents or owns a home, the ability to discuss, compromise, & align either happens or it's goodbye.

 

#3 - Most people are missing your point. YOUR CONCERN IS HIS NAGGING REMINDERS!!! Don't know what people think you're complaining about the actual pattern - you just don't care for the way he talks to you. That's an important part to many people. Regardless of how he treats you in public, it's also important to see how he treats you in private. A good man might get angry from time to time or might get frustrated and scream - but this sort of "nagging" would wear on my. A few points:

 

----- Perhaps he's been with someone who was financially irresponsbile? Find out

 

---- Perhaps he's modeling behavior from one of his parents or his family had issues with finance.

 

---- Perhaps he's just really insecure and feels like he needs to keep you "in line" - I have no idea.

 

What you should do:

 

1. Tell him what he does, where/when, and how it makes you feel.

2. Ask him what the situation would be when you live together? How much more might he be making once you've got a job?

3. Figure out if he's got other ways of acting like this - talking down to you or not respecting you.

 

 

I hope you two can work it out or you can learn from the situation. Please keep us posted.

 

Scooby

 

 

 

PS - I dated a woman for a year. It lasted 11 months longer than it should. Said she was divorced and had 2 kids. 2-3 Weeks later it became "2 divorces, 3 kids (1 in another country and the 2 she has here in the US live with their dad - she's an immigrant to the US). 3 Months later - 3 divorces. She always ranted "you think you can control me because you make more money than me (and she was 40k in debt) - to which I always politely said no, I wasn't trying to control her - she was a crazy bitch who always did what she wanted regardless of the consequences. For example, she is an avid snowboarder. She went on two weekend trips 8-12 hours away twice the winter we were together. I went on one of those with her. We did a bus trip to canada over NYE's and she went while I explored the city. She did local places 3/4 weekends a month and 1 night a week and then right at the end of february one group planned another weekend away and she said no - she couldn't afford it and she was tired of it she had a great winter. 2 weeks later - she lost her job. What does she do - goes on the trip.

 

Moral of the story - lifestyle is an important part of any relationship.

 

I am OK with splitting and stuff like that. I am insecure about it tbh, as in my previous relationship my ex during the break up pretty much gave me a list of what he spent on me ( on words though). And as I would never tolerate it, couple weeks later I just sent him a check with all the money he spent on me (it was an approximate amount, but still). Due to this whenever I go out I always always always split, 'cos I dont want to be in this dissapointing situation again.

 

Concerning my bf, even on Christmas we went to his parents' place and he wrote his name only on cards. No mine. It is not like I dont like his family and I did not get them smth. TO me the issue was that there was his family ( 7 people) and him. I could afford to get present for him and my family members. I still don't have enough courage to ask him why he wouldnt write my name on the card as well. Cos I felt like a loser for a while tbh.

And he s 13 years older than me. I am 25 he is 38. Is it really one of those things men dont get and should be told ....

[CarrieT]

Is it really one of those things men dont get and should be told ....

NOTHING in a relationship should be taken for granted and in this very statement, you are assuming that he should just "get it" without being told but - you know what? - he isn't a mind reader. He doesn't know what you assume to be true just as you don't know what he assumes to be true.

 

This is why you guys have GOT to communicate about it.

 

Everybody has their own sense of what is right and what should be and by making these broad assumptions of "one of those things 'men' don't get," you are continuing the stereotype that partners (not just men!) should act a certain way in a relationship.

 

And has for you being 25 and him being 38, this is all very telling. I honestly predict that in about three to four years, you will want out of the relationship.

[d0nnivain]

Concerning my bf, even on Christmas we went to his parents' place and he wrote his name only on cards. No mine. It is not like I dont like his family and I did not get them smth. TO me the issue was that there was his family ( 7 people) and him. I could afford to get present for him and my family members. I still don't have enough courage to ask him why he wouldnt write my name on the card as well. Cos I felt like a loser for a while tbh.

And he s 13 years older than me. I am 25 he is 38. Is it really one of those things men dont get and should be told ....

 

 

All I can do is share my experience & expectation. The only time I wrote more then my name on the card was if the other person contributed to the cost of the gift. The 1st time I signed somebody else's name it was my husband. It just think it's weird for BF/GF to sign cards. He may share my sentiment. You can ask him about why he did what he did but this isn't the hill to die on. Plus if you got his family gifts, did you sign his name on your cards?