kitana2010 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I've been dating a guy for about 2 1/2 months now, and he treats me better than any guy I've ever been with. For the first 2 months I was head over heels for him, but after I moved back to my home town (where he also lives) everything started getting on my nerves... idk if its all me and just stress from moving and everything or if we just arnt a good match. He is extremely codependent and wants to spend every second together, and very affectionate. He is constantly touching me, whether its hand holding, rubbing (once rubbed my back raw rubbing it for an hour), kissing. He is also very sexual, which is great.. i have a high sex drive too but his is insane.. we can have sex for 2hrs before bed and he will still randomly wake me up at 3am or 4am for more, than morning sex as well.. I told him i cant do that because it leaves me so tired and he understood, but still tries all the time. And we have already had 3 fights because he gets so irritated (or mopey) if we don't have sex one night.. and his constant nagging turned me off to where im just not in the mood at all it seems. I actually tried breaking up with him 2 days ago but he fought me. Ended up letting him come over and I agreed to try again because he said he was so sexual because he thought I was "a nympho" and is always saying he can change for me and doesnt want to lose me. Last night I had him over, we had a decent day and evening. At night he wanted sex but I told him i was on my period (which is true) so after he thought i was asleep he pleasured himself in bed next to me. This bothered me a lot, for some reason.. even tho I also feel like it shouldn't bother me and maybe this is all a "me issue". This guy is definitely the nicest guy I've ever dated, and treats me the best.. takes me out, pays for things and gets me random gifts and flowers, always willing to help me with anything (even helped me move for 2 days) and honestly thinks I'm perfect. Has a good job, college education, smart, good with my son, kind, funny and even thinks my lame jokes are funny.. I should feel incredibly lucky.. and i did, but now the constant affection and him being so clingly just annoys me.. and idk why. Im torn.. part of me wants to just end things and be single, but another part is afraid im throwing away the perfect guy because something is going on with me, and maybe that can be fixed.. What would you guys do? Would any of this annoy you? Or is it all me? 1
amaysngrace Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Clingy co-dependent isn't the perfect guy. In fact I'd say he's seriously flawed. 2
Satu Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 It would drive me crazy. A little room to breathe is always a good thing. Its too much. 1
amaysngrace Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Oh yeah...and the nice part is just an act. A nice guy wouldn't jack off next to you because he'd have too much respect for you and know you need to rest. The way he treats you is how you should be treated by anyone that you're in a relationship with. This guy sounds like a try-hard and a phony. Remember how he said he can "change"? He probably can. From Mr. Wonderful to Major D!ckhead overnight. Don't let his nice act fool you. Trust your gut. 1
Zippy2000 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Hes the nicest guy? Youve only dated him for a bout 2 months. He is still is on his best behaviour. You guys are still what we call the "honey moon" period. Youre still gettting to know each other. I would NOT say he is the nicest guy yet. Its still early and he could be only doing these things for sex. Give it time and see if he is still doing those nice things you speak of. Remember, its not how much he does for you but consistency! 2
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 No-one truly wants to throw away the "perfect guy" - everyone would want to hold onto THAT guy. Fact is, that this guy isn't "perfect" for you and that is really why you want to throw him away. 3
preraph Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I had a boyfriend like that once and I had to let him go. I enjoyed the sex too. But I grew up kind of autonomous, entertaining myself as a child, hanging out with pets and horses and getting out in the fields and feeling the freedom. Then to go from that to him wanting to be on my tail constantly was too much. The only time he gave me space was once when he was watching auto racing on tv. Maybe it would have worked out if I'd bought him a hot rod or something. Anyway, him following me around my house from room to room and even wanting to follow me when I went to the restroom was the final straw. His ideal was being that way, and there's plenty of women willing. Mine is more like they travel for a few days at a time. Different strokes. 1
smudge21 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I think you already know what you want to do, but you need others to tell you. Your post was like a sandwich with layers of "this is what he's good at" followed by "this is what I dislike about him", and each one was like he's this, but then he's this, but then he's this. As others have said, he can't be the perfect if in only two months you feel this way about him. Yes, I'm sure his good points are brilliant, the best ever, but those bad points are already seriously bothering you and it's not like they're going to fade away or improve as the relationship goes on. That said, I would still try and sort out the problems rather than just walking away. Talking is your best bet, be as honest with him as you have been with a group of total strangers on a web forum. If things don't change or it gets worse, then at least you can say you tried. Sometimes as much as we want something to be perfect, it often isn't and the hardest part is accepting that and walking away. Hope that's not the case for you here, but only you know the answer there. 2
GemmaUK Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I would run a mile from someone displaying those traits. I give it 4 weeks until you find out that he takes zero responsibility for anything bad that ha ever happened to him. 4 weeks for you begin to become aware that he is isolating you from friends and family. 4 weeks before he starts putting you down/telling you how to do things or telling you how to dress/behave. 2
Lorenza Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Oh dear. I'm slightly suffocated by just reading this. Might be he'd tune down later, but it could also get worse, like him being jealous and controlling. The jerking off part... It would disgust me too. 3
elaine567 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 He is extremely codependent and wants to spend every second together, and very affectionate. He is constantly touching me, whether its hand holding, rubbing (once rubbed my back raw rubbing it for an hour), kissing. He is also very sexual, which is great.. i have a high sex drive too but his is insane.. we can have sex for 2hrs before bed and he will still randomly wake me up at 3am or 4am for more, than morning sex as well.. I told him i cant do that because it leaves me so tired and he understood, but still tries all the time. And we have already had 3 fights because he gets so irritated (or mopey) if we don't have sex one night.. and his constant nagging turned me off to where im just not in the mood at all it seems. This all reads like complete madness, who rubs a back for an hour till it is raw and who after being told it is not fair to wake her up at all hours for sex, says OK then does it again regardless, and who nags her so much about sex, it is a total turn off...and who jerks off right beside her in bed???? ... ugh! 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I've been dating a guy for about 2 1/2 months now, and he treats me better than any guy I've ever been with. Yes.... He is extremely codependent and wants to spend every second together, and very affectionate. He is constantly touching me, whether its hand holding, rubbing (once rubbed my back raw rubbing it for an hour), kissing. No..... He is also very sexual, which is great.. i have a high sex drive too but his is insane.. No.... we can have sex for 2hrs before bed and he will still randomly wake me up at 3am or 4am for more, than morning sex as well.. I told him i cant do that because it leaves me so tired and he understood, but still tries all the time. No.... And we have already had 3 fights because he gets so irritated (or mopey) if we don't have sex one night.. No..... ...and his constant nagging turned me off to where im just not in the mood at all it seems. No.... I actually tried breaking up with him 2 days ago but he fought me. No.... Ended up letting him come over and I agreed to try again because he said he was so sexual because he thought I was "a nympho" and is always saying he can change for me and doesnt want to lose me. No AND No..... (He thought you were a nympho?? Excuse me?! So what does that make him?!) Last night I had him over, we had a decent day and evening. At night he wanted sex but I told him i was on my period (which is true) so after he thought i was asleep he pleasured himself in bed next to me. No.... This bothered me a lot, for some reason.. even tho I also feel like it shouldn't bother me and maybe this is all a "me issue". No.... This guy is definitely the nicest guy I've ever dated, and treats me the best.. takes me out, pays for things and gets me random gifts and flowers, always willing to help me with anything (even helped me move for 2 days) and honestly thinks I'm perfect. Has a good job, college education, smart, good with my son, kind, funny and even thinks my lame jokes are funny.. I should feel incredibly lucky.. No. (*I'll explain afterwards as to why this is a 'No'....) and i did, but now the constant affection and him being so clingly just annoys me.. and idk why. No. Im torn.. part of me wants to just end things and be single, but another part is afraid im throwing away the perfect guy because something is going on with me, and maybe that can be fixed.. No. What would you guys do? Would any of this annoy you? Or is it all me? No. Ok, let's just do a quick 'Yes/No' count, shall we? Oh. Well, that WAS quick.... (*"This guy is definitely the nicest guy I've ever dated, and treats me the best.. takes me out, pays for things and gets me random gifts and flowers, always willing to help me with anything (even helped me move for 2 days) and honestly thinks I'm perfect. Has a good job, college education, smart, good with my son, kind, funny and even thinks my lame jokes are funny.. I should feel incredibly lucky..". ) The thing is, you think you SHOULD feel lucky. But you don't. And part of the problem is that he's showing controlling traits. And I think you can see this. He is pulling out all the stops to woo you. The thing is, he's doing it to achieve an end. He's not doing it purely out of love. I get the distinct impression he wants to possess you. He's witty, charming, laughs at your jokes and seems perfect. But for some reason I can't quite put my finger on, something smacks as suspicious. It's almost as if he's OVER-doing it. And I think the more you let him into your life, the more his sense of control and entitlement will kick in. I think - and it's only a complete theory based on what you've written - but I think this is a potentially abusive situation. Not physically, necessarily. I don't in this moment believe he would physically hurt you (although one should discount nothing) but I do see, very clearly, how he could gradually invade your every space, both domestically and psychologically - and make it all his own to govern as he wishes. Call me a pessimist, but he seems to be laying it on with a trowel. And masturbating right next to you? That's just disrespectful. it wouldn't kill him to go without, just once. But no. Regardless of your condition, he went ahead anyway. Where - honestly - is the love, respect and consideration there? Edited March 22, 2016 by TaraMaiden2 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Incidentally, Satyriasis (also satyromania) is the corresponding condition to nymphomania in men. How many times though, have you heard that term applied to a man? And as far as I am concerned, being a nympho is often used in a pejorative sense, and is not intended to be complimentary. The correct term for someone who is extremely sexual is either sexually hyperactive or hypersexual. It's non-gender specific, and not pejorative, as it implies a clinical distinction or diagnosis. the term 'nympho' is specifically aimed at highly-sexed women (whatever that is!) but I have never heard the term 'satyromaniac' applied to any man. A man who is highly-sexed is often referred to as.... a man, and is considered by many, if not most people, to be normal and unquestioned. I'm therefore of the opinion kitana2010, that he is also greatly attracted by the fact that you are sexually active, and frequently so. But carries the two-faced opinion that it's ok for him to want sex frequently, but for you, it must be an oddity (hence the name-calling) or when you resist it or turn it down, then it's an affront to his desires. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) When someone does nice things for you in an attempt to wear down your defenses and manipulate you, they're not a genuinely nice person. They're really an a**hole in sheep's clothing. Everything this guy does seems to be driven by him wanting sex and conning you into giving it to him. I mean the guy is a clingy co-dependent who actually jerked off next to you in bed when you understandably denied him sex. If that's what you consider a "perfect guy" then you need to readjust your standards IMO. If anything, his behavior will only get worse as time goes in IMO. As others have said, people tend to put their best foot forward in the beginning. So if this is him on his "best behavior", imagine how badly it'll be when he gets even more attached.... Edited March 22, 2016 by fitnessfan365 3
spriggan2 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Can someone explain the problem with masturbating in bed with your SO next to you? I imagine if I was not in the mood and my gf did that it would either get me in the mood or I wouldn't care. I'd appreciate that she's leaving me be, I'd let her get off and we could have sex another time. What's the big deal?
Lorenza Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Can someone explain the problem with masturbating in bed with your SO next to you? I imagine if I was not in the mood and my gf did that it would either get me in the mood or I wouldn't care. I'd appreciate that she's leaving me be, I'd let her get off and we could have sex another time. What's the big deal? I wouldn't like a guy I've known for 2 months to stare at me sleeping and masturbate. In my bed, at my place, when I'm most vulnerable and can't tell him not to do it. The only feeling I'd like my date to have while watching me sleep is "Aww, she is so cute, I want to protect her". Not "damn, I'd cum all over her peaceful face". That's just... nasty. It's all about sex for this guy, he even wakes her up in the middle of the night, though she told him not to. 2
spriggan2 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) Ok well I wasn't picturing any staring I assumed the OP meant simply masturbating. Not really visually focused on her, eyes even closed maybe. Also if she was awake would that make it perfectly OK? This is independent of the guy the OP is describing. I just want to know how one generally feels about this. Edited March 22, 2016 by spriggan2 1
Lorenza Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Ok well I wasn't picturing any staring I assumed the OP meant simply masturbating. Not really visually focused on her, eyes even closed maybe. Also if she was awake would that make it perfectly OK? This is independent of the guy the OP is describing. I just want to know how one generally feels about this. I've had my bf masturbate next to me. Because I was awake and able to say that's ok with me and help him out. Also I've known him enough to make sure he's not a perv. If he did that while I was asleep the first month of our dating, I'd be completely turned off. 1
Satu Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 People who smother others like this person always have unhealthy things going on in their psyche. This isn't within the bounds of a healthy affection being expressed. 3
brothers343 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I'm flawed too....I need my space. My wife is the type of woman that she wouldn't mind having me all day and all night, but she inderstands that can't be so she lets me be. She knows sooner than later I will come back to ravage her. Everyone is flawed in this universal system of dating and marriege. Good luck 2
Miss Peach Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I really don't see how this guy is nice. He may say sweet things to you but he seems to be missing some screws around respect and boundaries. What he is doing isn't normal. WHat you are asking for isn't unreasonable. This is a red alert at only 2 months in. I would run from him. 1
bathtub-row Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 You just described Mr Needy and Mr Disrespecrful. When are you going to tell us about the perfect guy. Lose him. He's far from perfect. 1
lino Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Sounds like a headache. Doesn't sound much like a perfect guy. The wanking next to you in bed made me cringe.
preraph Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Can someone explain the problem with masturbating in bed with your SO next to you? I imagine if I was not in the mood and my gf did that it would either get me in the mood or I wouldn't care. I'd appreciate that she's leaving me be, I'd let her get off and we could have sex another time. What's the big deal? Well, at least have the courtesy to wait until she pretends to be asleep. I have never kicked a man out of bed for that, although I have literally kicked one out of bed for demonstrating the type farts fat girls (blaaaht) make compared to the type rich girls make (wheeeeo). Sigh. He died young, by the way.
ilovemefirst Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 That is a turn off. I dated someone for 4 months and he was also very sexual. Irritated me because it seemed he always wanted it. That sexual vibe can be uncomfortable too, because they tend to not give you space. I think you should take some space and see how you feel. I told the guy i was dating i wanted space, and then when we talked again, he kept touching me and trying to get me to have sex. I didnt want to and i felt creeped out. Never called him since and the thought of him repels me. STILL!
Recommended Posts