Girlfriends mom thinks I'm a predator.

[PaperCrane]

:eek: Yikes! Sorry but that really took me by surprise.

 

Coming from someone more 7 years older than the girl you're dating OP - I have to tell you that among most young women, guys in their 30s who pursue us because of this "no baggage, not ruined by their life experiences" ARE seen as creepsters and, yes, kind of predatory. We don't think girls who go out with those type of oldish men (the type who actively seek girls who are very young and inexperienced) are "lucky" at all. To me, it seems depressing.

 

Anyway if I'd tried to date someone 5 years younger than my mother - I am pretty sure that at the very least, he wouldn't be invited to family gatherings.

 

Your relationship is not illegal. But I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her family to be accepting of it. It's not a good thing for their daughter to be with a man who is actively seeking youth and inexperience. They surely want their daughter to be valued for much more than that - and to get to enjoy being young with other young people!

 

Her family, minus her mom, is accepting of it. The moms boyfriend is not her father. Also to note, I didn't go looking for her. Also her age was a large factor I had to weigh the pros against. I'm fully aware of the challenges this makes me face. Many posters assume I'm naïve in this, but I'm not. When a connection happens, it happens.

 

Connections are rare enough as it is, so I figured exploring this is worth it. I always give 100% in my relationships. I'm not a perfect human being, but I always try my utmost to respect and support my partners while also having fun and sharing common interests. And we have quite a few common interests. Be it from books to movies, music and food, traveling and pets, we share much of this and enjoy sharing what we like with each other. Another part of this is her ability to show me things I may overlook in the world and I enjoy her perspective.

 

To veggirl: ideally no but everyone has bad things in their life. What I mean moreso, is that the person may have baggage but it doesn't stop them from really pushing forward and trying their best. It hasn't defeated them. I've been through a lot of hard things but they haven't jaded me yet.

 

-

 

Most of my relationships or short dating spells have been within what I guess is he reasonable age range of age/2 + 7. With I believe only 1 other being outside of that and it didn't really become much of anything. My longest was with a girl who was 2 years my junior. I've dated older and younger alike. Ideally she would be graduated from university right now, but I cannot choose the time at which people find a connection, which is what the issue at hand seems to be. So this thread is an effort to at first vent about the frustration of it, and then to get as much input as I can so that I can use it to make the relationship as good and healthy as it can be.

[GunslingerRoland]

It sort of is a black and white situation.

 

18 is a little girl.

 

30 is an adult.

 

Why do some of the people insist on infantizing a grown adult. She is not a little girl... she is a grown woman. She can vote, go to war, get married, have a drink, move to the other side of the world, go to college, all without having to get a parents permission.

 

 

She is an adult making adults decisions as we all do at 18.

 

 

Can she make some bad decisions at this age sure. But I'm in my late 30's and I make bad decisions some times, and I know people in their 60's who can't make a proper decision if their life depended on it.

 

 

While I think most of the time a relationship between an 18 year old and a 30 year old probably isn't a healthy relationship, when people start throwing out words like pedophile and predator, I think that really undermines the seriousness of real pedophiles who are preying on actual children.

 

 

If he was dating a 12 year old, this would be a black and white situation, he'd be a pedophile and the cops would be getting involved. But she's 18... even if she keeps stuffed animals like you used too, it doesn't make her not an adult.

[Gaeta]

Why do some of the people insist on infantizing a grown adult. She is not a little girl... she is a grown woman. She can vote, go to war, get married, have a drink, move to the other side of the world, go to college, all without having to get a parents permission.

 

 

She is an adult making adults decisions as we all do at 18. .

 

The age of adulthood was set years ago. If a study was done again I bet you the age of adulthood would be raised to 21.

 

Have you ever had an 18 year old? We are several posters here with kids around that age, and we know turning 18 means nothing in terms of development and maturity. You are considered a child at 17 but an adult at 18? There is nothing miraculous happening the night they turn 18. They don't suddenly are hit with common sense.

[Art_Critic]

She isn't a grown adult, in my eyes she is an adult but still a youth until the age of 21, she cannot buy Alcohol.

 

She also cannot do all the things you mentioned the same as someone who is 30, that is nuts to think an 18 year old girl is equal to a 30 year old, emotionally or otherwise

 

I do agree that the pedophile lingo doesn't work either and he isn't breaking any laws but he is a predator if he is taking advantage of her in any way where her age impacts the scenario, ie:.. if he is buying her Alcohol he is contributing to her delinquency or if he is having sex with her while she has been drinking, there are other ways to be predatory as well but I just picked one.

 

Wouldn't it be nicer and easier to just date someone in the same age bracket.. when I was 30 an 18 year old was a child.... sorry.. that is how I feel.. as an almost 53 year man I'm no stranger to why he is dating her.. sex and the fact he wields the power of age over her.

[elaine567]

... as an almost 53 year man I'm no stranger to why he is dating her.. sex and the fact he wields the power of age over her.

 

I'm afraid so...

[PaperCrane]

It sort of is a black and white situation.

 

18 is a little girl.

 

30 is an adult.

 

Her body might look like an adult but she isn't. If you met some girl who left home at 12 and raised herself OK...that is an adult. But this girl lived at home and was raised by loving parents.

 

 

What you have is a baby. Let her grow up. That's the kind thing to do.

 

Her mother abandoned her to her grandparents after birth, taking her back and giving her up multiple times. The father of my gf made her mother decide between him and the child. Her mother chose her younger boyfriend at the time. Which then led to the back and forth.

 

So a super happy home is not the best descriptor.

Edited March 23, 2016 by PaperCrane

[xxoo]

I can see that she's had hardships and a rough beginning. It would be awesome if a concerned 30 year old could be her friend and possibly a decent father figure (since she's had none), instead of making it a sexual thing. She's already got her similar aged mother's boyfriend leering at her sexually, and the whole thing is really a shame. Poor kid

[Summer3]

I can see that she's had hardships and a rough beginning. It would be awesome if a concerned 30 year old could be her friend and possibly a decent father figure (since she's had none), instead of making it a sexual thing. She's already got her similar aged mother's boyfriend leering at her sexually, and the whole thing is really a shame. Poor kid

 

Yep. I'm sure the girl has daddy issues, hence the older boyfriend. I remember when I was 18 I thought 30 was VERY VERY OLD.

[preraph]

Yep. I'm sure the girl has daddy issues, hence the older boyfriend. I remember when I was 18 I thought 30 was VERY VERY OLD.

 

I know! I remember a particular instance when I was 28 and was around this couple who was about 32, and they seemed a world apart from me. If you're old, you've been young before, so you can understand the mindset (tolerating it is another thing). But when you're younger, the older seem way older because you haven't been that age or have that experience.

[katiegrl]

OP, are you in the US? Age of majority in most states is 18. That means she's considered by law to be an adult and can do things like get married - to a 90 year old if she wants - so you're clearly not a pedophile, and not a sexual predator unless you're victimizing her in some way or compelling her to do sth against her will.

 

I guess the whole "yeah but is it right?" (morally presumably) question is up for debate but the mom's wrong about the legal definitions of the things she's accused you of. Personally I think that since none of us know your GF, you, the nature of your relationship, or the relative maturity of either of you (tho you seem mature enough), it's impossible for us to say if this is ethically wrong or right.

 

I don't go after women younger than mid 20s personally - specifically bc of my concern that they're essentially kids yet - but that doesn't mean everyone else has to roll that way.

 

^^This!

 

ten characters

[Omei]

I just wanna add about the earlier pregnancy talk yes young girls know the seriousness and consequence but only to a basic extent and when I say basic they know it will be hard but not much more.

 

I had my kid at 19 and I thought about the difficulties prior to having her but you should know it was only to that basic extent I never even considered half the stuff I know now so many things came as a surprise to me I don't regret my choice but I know when I made it there were many things my 19 year old brain didn't even consider.

 

It was with a older man too, you know what just like a past poster shared I too left when I realized how disturbed and immature my partner was he was he had to date someone so young he used manipulation often, left right before the babies birth.

 

I hope you don't plan to get her pregnant.

Edited March 24, 2016 by Omei

[LookAtThisPOst]

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

 

As a guy in your age range, I would feel really guilty dating this girl because at your age you can basically manipulate her psychologically due to your extended life experience.

 

Come on now, Final Word, you know in Biblical times this was quite common, in fact even in the current Christian community, usually in smaller sects, a 10 year age difference means nothing to them.

 

I think I recall a while back when I was going to a singles group at a local church when a 19 year old coupled up with a guy probably in his mid-30s (he looked older though).

 

Bumped into them later and saw that they were wedded. I was like "Wow!" and just to think I'm kicking myself for not pursuing her because of our age difference.

[Omei]

Come on now, Final Word, you know in Biblical times this was quite common, in fact even in the current Christian community, usually in smaller sects, a 10 year age difference means nothing to them.

 

I think I recall a while back when I was going to a singles group at a local church when a 19 year old coupled up with a guy probably in his mid-30s (he looked older though).

 

Bumped into them later and saw that they were wedded. I was like "Wow!" and just to think I'm kicking myself for not pursuing her because of our age difference.

 

We've outgrown many customs of the past because they turned out to be morally wrong.

 

They may be married but just like this post everyone prob questions their mentality or if the marriage is even working without one partner being controlled and how long it will last till she trades in for a younger newer model lol

[Els]

It's normal for them to be worried - in fact I would be concerned if any mother WASN'T worried about her 18 yo daughter dating someone 12 years older than her. 18 is very young and just barely transitioning into adulthood, so it's best for kids at that stage to fool around with each other. I wouldn't necessarily say you're a 'pedophile' (technically, you aren't), but I can understand the intense knee-jerk reaction.

 

If you are truly in love with this young girl (which you claim to be), then be patient. Respect her mother's boundaries. If she is living at home with her mother, send her back home at a reasonable hour, etc. Understand that you will not be able to move as quickly with her as you normally would with an independent woman your age. So on and so forth. After a few years, if you've been nothing but respectful, then it's possible she might come around to you.

[Cherryz]

You happy with the gran parents just because they dont ask you any hard questions and accept you.

 

You are not happy with the parents because they do question you and ask hard questions.

 

Even thou this girl is 18 and ädult" for by the law, she still a kid and deferent mind set.

and very young even if she had 20 year old bf.

 

Her parents is doing their job by being worried.

Thats their job.

 

Calling you pedophile (if you havent date her at 17 or younger) is not ok of them.

But it may be just the frustration of them seeing their kid with a way older guy.

The question is what interest your grown ass in a 18 year old?

Isnt it just the idea and pleasure of having sex with a young woman?

What do you guys talk about? The financial things, mortgage,bills that you need to pay, work pressure? Or the new cd of Justin Beber ?

 

The thing with such age gap is also that, the older may influence the younger easily in many things that the younger dont even understand yet.

I think you can only respect the parents for being concern. Which you will be also if it was your kid.

 

If it is 18 or 90, if a guy have rigth intention with a girl, he will not avoid her parents. But show up and have adult conversations about what he is feeling and what his intentions is with the woman they are involve with.

Its only guys that are just there with bad intentions that go hard with the parents all times and never sit and talk with the parents or meet the person in secret and do messy things while they can do different.

 

Even if they will never accept it, which i understand, you at your end have showed your respect if you not have bad intentions. And not their just to bang some young va ya ya.

Beside they are older so they sure see more then their daughter! And try to warn/ protect their daughter from getting hurt or influenced by a older man.

[Cherryz]

It's normal for them to be worried - in fact I would be concerned if any mother WASN'T worried about her 18 yo daughter dating someone 12 years older than her. 18 is very young and just barely transitioning into adulthood, so it's best for kids at that stage to fool around with each other. I wouldn't necessarily say you're a 'pedophile' (technically, you aren't), but I can understand the intense knee-jerk reaction.

 

), then be patient. Respect her mother's boundaries. If she is living at home with heIf you are truly in love with this young girl (which you claim to ber mother, send her back home at a reasonable hour, etc. Understand that you will not be able to move as quickly with her as you normally would with an independent woman your age. So on and so forth. After a few years, if you've been nothing but respectful, then it's possible she might come around to you.

 

I dont think thats what he is, he kind of said in his second reply that he knows relationships like this wont last, but he just want the parents to let them be!

[GunslingerRoland]

I had my kid at 19 and I thought about the difficulties prior to having her but you should know it was only to that basic extent I never even considered half the stuff I know now so many things came as a surprise to me I don't regret my choice but I know when I made it there were many things my 19 year old brain didn't even consider.

.

 

 

 

I'm not sure if that is a good example of the undeveloped brain, I was 30 when my first was born, and I had no fricken clue what I was getting myself into. I don't think I know a single person who has had a kid, and not been overwhelmed.

[PaperCrane]

I hope you don't plan to get her pregnant.

 

No, I do not.

 

You happy with the gran parents just because they dont ask you any hard questions and accept you.

 

You are not happy with the parents because they do question you and ask hard questions.

 

There is no 'parents'. There is the mother, and the mothers boyfriend whom has had no paternal interaction with my girlfriend, and has said before he doesn't want to have that responsibility with her.

 

I have not yet met the mother, or the boyfriend, so there hasn't been any 'hard questions' to answer because there hasn't been any kind of open dialogue.

 

Even thou this girl is 18 and ädult" for by the law, she still a kid and deferent mind set.

and very young even if she had 20 year old bf.

 

Her parents is doing their job by being worried.

Thats their job.

 

I don't understand this desire to call adults children. She votes, works, owns her car, pays her bills, pays her rent, and truthfully that's more than I can say for many 'adults' that seem to inhabit this world.

 

I do agree that it is a good parent who worries and questions

 

Calling you pedophile (if you havent date her at 17 or younger) is not ok of them.

But it may be just the frustration of them seeing their kid with a way older guy.

The question is what interest your grown ass in a 18 year old?

Isnt it just the idea and pleasure of having sex with a young woman?

What do you guys talk about? The financial things, mortgage,bills that you need to pay, work pressure? Or the new cd of Justin Beber ?

 

A little tinge of condescending tone in there. I'll answer though, even though I've answered previously in the thread. She and I met through a mutual friend. A co-worker of mine has a girlfriend whom is friends with my girlfriend. I didn't go seeking this out.

 

What I see a lot here is a belief that I 'must' have a lower mentality or maturity level and not that the inverse could be true. There is not much of a thought that she could be pretty damn mature and carrying herself better than many 20 and 30 somethings around this godforsaken city whom would rather sit around and do nothing all day. With all the bull**** of drugs everywhere, her peers getting knocked up left and right, and the fact her mom chose her then boyfriend over her own child when she was born and routinely blames her for a "**** life"; I am damn impressed at what she has been able to pull off in her life. So excuse me when I believe she has a better head on her shoulders than most.

 

The things we talk about are our mutual interests in; music, books, movies, games, nerd culture, video games, animals (we love cats), fishing, camping, art, etc. We do talk about work, goals, and that whole platter of subjects. Also, she utterly detests 'Justin Beber' [sic].

 

The thing with such age gap is also that, the older may influence the younger easily in many things that the younger dont even understand yet.

I think you can only respect the parents for being concern. Which you will be also if it was your kid.

 

If it is 18 or 90, if a guy have rigth intention with a girl, he will not avoid her parents. But show up and have adult conversations about what he is feeling and what his intentions is with the woman they are involve with.

Its only guys that are just there with bad intentions that go hard with the parents all times and never sit and talk with the parents or meet the person in secret and do messy things while they can do different.

 

Even if they will never accept it, which i understand, you at your end have showed your respect if you not have bad intentions. And not their just to bang some young va ya ya.

Beside they are older so they sure see more then their daughter! And try to warn/ protect their daughter from getting hurt or influenced by a older man.

 

This is exactly my line of thought as well. Which is why I'm taking the invitation to the grandparents for Easter.

 

I dont think thats what he is, he kind of said in his second reply that he knows relationships like this wont last, but he just want the parents to let them be!

 

Or you could read it as me being realistic about a situation, and that situation being dating and relationships in general, while also loving the other person. To this end, I always give my all in my relationships. I'd rather have a good relationship which is filled with love and effort, but also with the understanding that the whole idea of dating is the hope to find that partner whom you can spend the rest of your life with.

 

In the case of loving her, she is the one I have to prove and show that to, not you. It seems I have to though, and to mostly everyone which I knew would be coming.

Edited March 24, 2016 by PaperCrane

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

I don't understand this desire to call adults children.

One reason is that we can remember what we were like when we were 18. That was almost 7 years ago for me and I was a whole different person then. I was a teenager and acted and thought like one. I think most of us were. When you were 18 how did you view 30 year old women?? As potential girlfriends and sexual partners? Probably not, you probably saw them as closer to your parents' peers than your own.

 

Anyway, whatever. You like what you like and you aren't the only guy in his 30s who wants to be with "young inexperienced no baggage" believe me, most of us girls have encountered that with guys even much older than you. For me, it's mostly the value on "inexperienced" and "no prior life" that's creepy. It's like old guys who think like that about young women are kind of "stealing" her youth.

[elaine567]

It's like old guys who think like that about young women are kind of "stealing" her youth.

...and some women on here have been pretty angry about that too.

[Gaeta]

What I don't understand is that you refuse to date women your age claiming they have too much baggage but there you are dating an 18 yo with more baggage then two 30yo united.

[serial muse]

For me, it's mostly the value on "inexperienced" and "no prior life" that's creepy. It's like old guys who think like that about young women are kind of "stealing" her youth.

 

Yes, this! I would just ask someone considering such a May-December-type romance to search his/her motives. If it's just that you two have a unique connection, then that's one thing. But OP, you did like LW's post about seeking the freshness, unencumbered-ness of youth, and you mentioned yourself several times that you like the idea of "guiding" her through life. Well, that's really fraught, and something you should reconsider. This is a girl who's already had a tough, albeit brief, life; she is working to be a responsible adult, yes, but she's not quite there yet. And she is not unencumbered, she's just young. She does need guidance -- but it's appropriate for her to seek that from a parent, not a partner. The mother's boyfriend may be a gross jerk, but that doesn't mean the mother is wrong to question your interest in her daughter. Those two things don't actually cancel each other out.

 

That's why people are reacting the way they are. You need to think about what role you really want to play in this girl's life, and go from there. Please don't see yourself as a father figure/partner. She does NOT need that from you.

 

Go ahead and go to the Easter dinner with the grandparents, sure. I'm not saying break up with her. But I'm saying be honest with yourself here, and recognize why this is fraught. We're trying to hold up a mirror. Just because it's not always a favorable image doesn't mean it isn't valuable and worth thinking about.

Edited March 24, 2016 by serial muse

[PaperCrane]

One reason is that we can remember what we were like when we were 18. That was almost 7 years ago for me and I was a whole different person then. I was a teenager and acted and thought like one. I think most of us were. When you were 18 how did you view 30 year old women?? As potential girlfriends and sexual partners? Probably not, you probably saw them as closer to your parents' peers than your own.

 

Anyway, whatever. You like what you like and you aren't the only guy in his 30s who wants to be with "young inexperienced no baggage" believe me, most of us girls have encountered that with guys even much older than you. For me, it's mostly the value on "inexperienced" and "no prior life" that's creepy. It's like old guys who think like that about young women are kind of "stealing" her youth.

 

I was born when my mother was 40. By the time I was 18 she was almost 60, so no, I did not view 30 year olds as my parents peers.

 

I never said I wanted 'inexperienced' or 'no prior life'. I don't place positive value on that when I chose to date her. Less baggage, sure, as in; not already having kids, former husbands hanging around, oodles of debt. Yeah I'd rather not date someone with those.

[PaperCrane]

Yes, this! I would just ask someone considering such a May-December-type romance to search his/her motives. If it's just that you two have a unique connection, then that's one thing. But OP, you did like LW's post about seeking the freshness, unencumbered-ness of youth, and you mentioned yourself several times that you like the idea of "guiding" her through life. Well, that's really fraught, and something you should reconsider. This is a girl who's already had a tough, albeit brief, life; she is working to be a responsible adult, yes, but she's not quite there yet. And she is not unencumbered, she's just young. She does need guidance -- but it's appropriate for her to seek that from a parent, not a partner. The mother's boyfriend may be a gross jerk, but that doesn't mean the mother is wrong to question your interest in her daughter. Those two things don't actually cancel each other out.

 

That's why people are reacting the way they are. You need to think about what role you really want to play in this girl's life, and go from there. Please don't see yourself as a father figure/partner. She does NOT need that from you.

 

Go ahead and go to the Easter dinner with the grandparents, sure. I'm not saying break up with her. But I'm saying be honest with yourself here, and recognize why this is fraught. We're trying to hold up a mirror. Just because it's not always a favorable image doesn't mean it isn't valuable and worth thinking about.

 

I've liked very many posts in this thread, and sometimes revisit to like them because I value the input, so there is little to no correlation or causation between liking a post and agreeing with it. That's a reach.

 

The rest of your post I find to be good to think on, so thank you, and to answer your question my role in her life is to be a good partner to her as best as I can. I know it's not always something good to see when that mirror is held up and that other persons opinions on this come out, but it is good in that I can learn these opinions in an anonymous kind of way so I know the truth people hold when they may learn of this relationship.

[PaperCrane]

What I don't understand is that you refuse to date women your age claiming they have too much baggage but there you are dating an 18 yo with more baggage then two 30yo united.

 

Sorry that I love someone who you feel I shouldn't love?

 

I've stated before I've tried dating ladies my own age, and what I've found, for my current demographic, that a large portion in my area currently have things I don't want: fallout from divorce, children from previous relationships, saddled with debt, etc. The ones that DON'T have these things are typically already married or in LTR's. The population density here is low.

 

She may have baggage, however, the way she handles it says a lot about her character, and that it's made her a stronger person as opposed to the type of baggage that I've previously mentioned that only drag people down.

 

If you want to head towards a personal attack on that instead of the ideas around age difference dating, then go right ahead, but remember it becomes accusatory finger pointing which doesn't really foster any kind of healthy discourse.