Girlfriends mom thinks I'm a predator.

[LivingDeadGrl]

I don't really understand how you can even stand dating an 18 year old. The drama and lack of maturity would drive me insane.

Her friends are probably more dramatic and immature than yours. How about a get together with her friends and your friends? I wonder how that would go. I bet your 30 some odd year old friends would enjoy hanging out with kids, no? Essentially that is how a lot of us mature 30-somethings feel about an 18 year old. They are still very much kids!

Her parents don't approve of you for good reason. What business do you have dating an 18 year old? It's creepy! She obviously has daddy issues. When I was 18 I thought of 30 year olds as OLD!

You have people looking at you like you're a pedo, probably including your own friends and family. Is it worth it?

Once she gets to be 24 she will be sick of you, if not sooner and you'll be 36 and single. Are you going to look for another 18 year old then as a 36 year old? Good luck with that.

[introverted1]

PC, it appears your gf has had a lot of turmoil in her young life, and an absence of good adult role models, not to mention father figure. All this conspires to make you very attractive to her, albeit possibly for reasons that are quite complicated. While the natural instinct is to consider the harm that can come to her by virtue of being involved with someone so much older, I thought I saw a post by you in which you said you were in love with her. I would caution you to be careful, as well, as the aforementioned complicated reasons why she is drawn to you may not be enough for a healthy relationship.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Paper Crane

 

I will tell you from personal experience why this won't work long term. You two may be in the same place now but she's growing & maturing.

 

When I was 17-18 I dated a man who was 29-30, the exact age difference between you & your GF. My parents knew about it & were OK with it.

 

The problem was from 17-24 I grew up. He stayed the same. By the time I was out of college I was more emotionally mature then him. By the time I was out of grad school (we have the same profession) I was smarter then him. He lost his appeal very quickly because by the middle of my freshman year of college even at the ripe "old" age of 18, I couldn't help but wonder how immature he was that he had to date me & why couldn't he find an adult woman to date.

 

I do wish you well. I gave you a plan to win over mom but don't kid yourself. This does not have happily ever after written all over it.

[preraph]

I'm 30.

 

As extra info I met her through a co-worker buddy whom I'm good friend with. She's a friend of his girlfriend.

 

 

 

Okay, fair enough. But would you mind expanding on your reasoning though? It may help me understand the situation a bit better. She's also into older men. She doesn't find guys her age very attractive. Not stating that as some kind of pass, just as extra info.

 

Because it implies a few things. Mentally, that your development is arrested to allow you to find a connection with a teenager whose brain won't even be fully developed until mid-twenties and won't be comparably as mature as you SHOULD be until she's approaching 30.

 

Two, you're at the settling down age, and she shouldn't be burdened with a family for another decade. But she's in danger because the part of her brain that can foresee consequences of, for example, getting pregnant is still years away from being developed. So this makes her vulnerable and you opportunistic or uncaring for her welfare.

 

Three, it implies you only care about looks and sex and are choosing young ripe girls on that basis and are just shallow.

[SandraTempleton]

From what you wrote here it sounds as though she is completing her senior year in high school and will start university in the fall:

 

 

Does she live in her own place? She has an apartment set for this upcoming fall semester.

Does she pay her own rent? Yes. She works ~30 hours a week as well as her studies.

Does she pays for her schooling? Yes. The loans are in her name as well as having numerous scholarships.

Is she fully financially independent? She has her phone, insurance, food, and rent. She has enough at the end of the month to put away into savings after all her bills.

 

Maybe I'm wrong about her still being in high school but I still find this to be an inappropriate relationship. I think at 30 years old you should look for a partner who is more age suitable and in a similar place in life to you. As of right now it just sounds and looks like you are very immature for your age. Your response for her growing a lot between ages 18-22 sounded a lot like grooming to me.

[GunslingerRoland]

... Mentally, that your development is arrested to allow you to find a connection with a teenager whose brain won't even be fully developed until mid-twenties and won't be comparably as mature as you SHOULD be until she's approaching 30...

But she's in danger because the part of her brain that can foresee consequences of, for example, getting pregnant is still years away from being developed.

.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I really think people overuse that study from a few years ago showing that young adults brains aren't fully formed, while it's true, you make an 18 year old sound like they have the decision making capabilities of a 5 year old.

 

 

I mean most 14 year olds can forsee consequences like getting pregnant, otherwise we'd have a lot more pregnant teenagers.

 

By this logic, people shouldn't vote, drink, get married, go to war, go to college and choose a career path or any of the other things they are allowed to do at 18 until they are in their mid 20's. It's silly, while people still mature, I'd argue you have a pretty good idea of how mature someone is going to be their whole life by the time they are 18.

[blackcat777]

If you are going to date her, my best advice is to always let her make her own decisions, and to be prepared to let her go if she decides to POOF up and go.

 

My boyfriend and I are 9 years apart, and he's still in college. He's extremely independent. He pays his own way for everything. We've been together for two years, and just got a place together.

 

Out of nowhere, he did break up with me about 8 months into our relationship just because he wanted to see what was out there, pressure from friends and family, etc. I let him go. I ended up with the rare and lucky outcome that he came back.

 

Our situations are unique in that I don't want kids until LATER (~38), if at all. I took 8 years off to travel before going to school, so despite the age gap, our life phases are more aligned.

 

To offer a slightly different perspective on the same issue, it's incredible how much he has changed since we've met. I can't imagine how much more amazing he'll be in a decade. I like that it is a huge inspiration for me to never get lazy with myself, to never fall into a rut, and to always keep growing... because I know he'll look at me from a different perspective one day, I may be judged by different standards.

 

And we talk about that a lot. We both mutually inspire each other to continually do better for ourselves... it's an awesome, fertile dynamic and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

 

I never actively sought out the age gap with a younger partner, always found myself with men slightly older in the past.

 

My boyfriend talks a lot about getting married, but we both understand he has to finish school first, and there's no rush, because we'll get there when we get there.

 

My best friend is also with a man 21 years older (together for 7 years), and they are a match made in heaven.

 

I'm not one to write off all age gap dating immediately. It has its challenges and it has its rewards. With someone who is still developing, though, you really have to be okay with letting them go if they decide that's what they need to do. You have to let them learn by making their own decisions, even if you had already learned from your own experiences the decision was not the best one. It requires a lot of mutual respect, acceptance, and patience. Trying to control someone will sour a relationship very quickly.

 

People under 25 are generally volatile because they're still forming their identities.

 

There are people out there that are predators and it's important for people not to be gullible. But sometimes love is blind and can't see numbers. Sometimes you can really click.

 

My boyfriend fits in seamlessly with my close friends... and my boyfriend's best friend right now is only a year younger than me. The gap is more staggering between our friends that aren't as close... the baby crazy chicks in my newsfeed and the blackout drunk partiers in his... but neither of us are really into those crowds, anyway. We've always both gone to the beats of our own drums.

 

For me, what I love most about my boyfriend is his spirit. Spirit is timeless. If I have to slow down a little bit or consider life differently to have his energy in my life... these aren't necessarily bad things. People come into our lives to teach us lessons, I truly believe. Whether he does stay forever or not, I've learned and grown so much in the time we were together. Him too.

 

All those older guys I dated when I was young? Not a single one took advantage of me. I broke all their hearts. I was a huge selfish bitch and the perfect example of why people should not date younger.

 

My boyfriend's mom is a bit of a helicopter mom, and I was terrified to meet her at first, wondering what she would think of me. My boyfriend kept me away from her for a long time, not because of me, but because he didn't know how she would respond. He's an only child, she was VERY overprotective about everything, and they had some rough clashes when he first moved out. He didn't introduce us until after he had established himself in his own apartment.

 

In reality, I had nothing to worry about. His mom is a super cool lady and she's been very supportive of us, even when we decided to move in together. I don't know if she secretly has some reservations about the age difference, I do wonder about this a lot, BUT I'm hoping that with enough time... it will be obvious that my boyfriend has a safe place to finish school, that I'm behind him completely, and want him to chase his dreams and succeed. I'm not trying to strangle him or use him like a pawn and force him into MY vision of MY life at his expense. (Umm: no one should be doing that anyway, regardless of your partner's age.)

 

We're best friends and want to experience life together.

 

I do, however, have a coworker in his 30s, who multidates (without disclosing the fact that he multidates) many freshly 20somethings at the same time. He breaks hearts left and right, and has a huge rotation of exes to cycle through... That's the kind of drama I would personally seek to avoid.

Edited March 22, 2016 by blackcat777

[Jabron1]

A lot of men and women are going to be jealous of you for attracting a younger woman. I would probably put her mum's boyfriend in that category. It's the same reason you'll get a lot of flak here, and elsewhere.

 

Who says she tolerates it? I can't go over because her landlord at this moment happens to be her mother, whom is reaching her power a bit too far in my honest opinion. The same would be true if a non related landlord said I couldn't be on a premises.

 

Easter is being held at the grandparents house and the current plan is that I am going, and my girlfriend doesn't give a damn about the consequences. What I care about is trying fostering good relations with her family.

 

You and she really shouldn't try and force your way into her family. Respect that it's her mother's house, and she doesn't want you there. Spend time at your place instead. They'll probably get used to the idea of you being around, but it'll take time.

[Jabron1]

I'm sorry, but I really think people overuse that study from a few years ago showing that young adults brains aren't fully formed, while it's true, you make an 18 year old sound like they have the decision making capabilities of a 5 year old.

 

 

I mean most 14 year olds can forsee consequences like getting pregnant, otherwise we'd have a lot more pregnant teenagers.

 

By this logic, people shouldn't vote, drink, get married, go to war, go to college and choose a career path or any of the other things they are allowed to do at 18 until they are in their mid 20's. It's silly, while people still mature, I'd argue you have a pretty good idea of how mature someone is going to be their whole life by the time they are 18.

 

It's complete nonsense used to try and shame men into a behavior that suits others.

 

Three, it implies you only care about looks and sex and are choosing young ripe girls on that basis and are just shallow.

 

From a biological perspective, men go for younger women as a result of increased fertility. It's got nothing to do with 'shallowness': attraction isn't a choice.

 

 

This does not have happily ever after written all over it.

 

You're probably right, and OP should be realistic - but so should we all. Very few relationships do live happily ever after.

Edited March 22, 2016 by Jabron1

[Aniela]

Because an 18 y/o has poor judgement, is the solution to put her with an 18 y/o guy who has equally bad judgement? Makes great sense!

 

In fact, the young girl is lucky to have an experienced, level-headed man by her side.

 

I had my dad. I didn't need, or want, a much older man by my side.

 

The much older man, was an unhealthy choice that my sister made. He was no wiser, stronger, or mature than anyone else who would have loved to date her. And my dad has never liked him.

[ses]

I hope you do continue to treat her and her family with love and respect. If I were her mother I would be skeptical of your relationship and interest primarily because she didn't grow up with a father figure, and I would assume she wanted you as a substitute — something that would squick me out. One of my college friends' husband is 15 years older, and she's confessed that he has acted in a parental role towards her at times. I remember the Friends episode where Ross dated his former student and he tired really quickly of her throwing water balloon fights in her dorm room. I've hooked up with guys older than myself (mid-twenties) but it was a fling, nothing more because I wasn't interested in marriage and children immediately.

 

Are your intentions serious? Can you ostensibly wait 5-10 years for her to settle and have children? I hope you let her experience her 20's and college life. The last thing you want is for resentment to breed because she gave up her youth to prematurely "grow up" with you.

[Aniela]

These observations hold true across the USA, if not globally.

 

This is precisely why I'm always with younger women.

 

Women our age have a thirst for life.

 

That's not why.

 

We end up dating younger because we don't want all the broken ones with kids, mortgages, careers, crazy exes they share custody with and other weight holding them down and making them miserable.

 

It's not age that is the factor, it's simplicity.

 

We want women who are free of life's burdens and able to do fun and interesting things.

 

By and large, this usually ends up being younger women, purely due to the arrow of time.

 

It's not that we can't get girls our age. It's that we can do even better and get ones younger, who are much more difficult to get.

 

Age itself isn't the factor though. Show me an older one who hasn't ruined her life yet amd I'm just as interested.

 

You are divorced, supposedly have a crazy ex, and your boat is a responsibility. It's still a home. Would you appreciate someone seeing you as someone who ruined their life? You throw a lot of judgement around towards women you don't even know.

[Jabron1]

Women our age have a thirst for life.

 

You throw a lot of judgement around towards women you don't even know.

 

I think there is too much black or white thinking happening on both sides of the age debate.

 

I go out with older and younger women. There are certain pros and cons to both.

[anna121]

One difference between a still developing teenager and an independent adult is that the mother wouldn't dare speak that way about her independent adult child's boyfriend--because an independent adult wouldn't tolerate it. They don't have to, of course, because they are an independent adult.

 

You want your relationship to be respected? Date someone old mature enough to demand that respect.

 

I dunno - I've seen at least a few threads here with fully independent adults who still long for parental approval and turn to mush in the face of inappropriate criticism from them.

 

Lots people dare to say lots of things. That's on them, not the age of their children.

[xxoo]

I dunno - I've seen at least a few threads here with fully independent adults who still long for parental approval and turn to mush in the face of inappropriate criticism from them.

 

Lots people dare to say lots of things. That's on them, not the age of their children.

 

 

Yes, some adults remain immature. Solid adult partners grow past that.

[preraph]

I'm sorry, but I really think people overuse that study from a few years ago showing that young adults brains aren't fully formed, while it's true, you make an 18 year old sound like they have the decision making capabilities of a 5 year old.

 

 

I mean most 14 year olds can forsee consequences like getting pregnant, otherwise we'd have a lot more pregnant teenagers.

 

By this logic, people shouldn't vote, drink, get married, go to war, go to college and choose a career path or any of the other things they are allowed to do at 18 until they are in their mid 20's. It's silly, while people still mature, I'd argue you have a pretty good idea of how mature someone is going to be their whole life by the time they are 18.

 

You misunderstood. While some 14 year olds may know sex can make you pregnant, they are totally unable to fathom what having a baby to care for is like and what a sacrifice it is. You can't misuse a scientific study, really. yes, some mature quicker than others, certainly, as an exception. And I definitely think you could make a case for not sending them to war or them getting married, etc. For example, in the case of Texas, college kids are now allowed to carry weapons some places. People say, Well, they're old enough to join the military. Yeah, but the military programs and trains them to the nth degree and THEN they are always under supervision and being instructed. They're not just turned loose with guns on their own untrained, unstructured.

[SoleMate]

Women my age, which I've posted about before, in my area are either single mothers or completely jaded.

Both could be the direct result of having been an 18-year-old girl with a 30-year-old "boy"friend.

 

I hope to heck that if you've decided to have sex with this "thirsty for life" teenaged girl, you're using at least two methods of highly effective birth control. I recommend condoms for you and Norplant for her. She should also be getting regular medical attention and psychological counseling.

 

Or better yet, find an adult woman.

[scooby-philly]

OP - the issue isn't she can't make a rational thought or that somehow - even unconsciously - you'll be manipulating her. The real question is - where is this going? If you said you enjoyed ****ing her and didn't think it would last more than a year or two - I think more people would be open to it. That would be more honest. I'm not saying you don't love her - I don't presume to judge people's minds or hearts. But I'm just pointing out that if you want to continue this relationship you may need to re-brand your role for another year or two till the age thing isn't as much of an issue - if you're like "**** it" - then perhaps you're not thinking of what's best for her.

 

I don't disagree. I'm 34. I spent 22-28 in seminary teaching and left at the worst possible time - recession 2009. Took me two years to find work I was really qualified for and to make decent money. I still work hard and have come a long way. I was engaged and had a GF for two years. Had another gf for a year but ended it 8 months ago because she was b-**** crazy. So my "baggage" is relatively light for someone my age - 34 (35 in summer) I've got 16k in the bank, 16k in my 401(k). I have a car that will be paid off end of the year, I have two life insurance policies god forbid, I've traveled a bit and done some cool stuff these past 5 years and I've got a decent family and a couple of good friends. I'm living with my parents but that's so I can save and buy a place next year in case I don't meet "mrs. right for me" for another 2,5,10,50 years. I've dated older both of those times and the baggage - even if it's only emotional can be heavy. But don't delude yourself either - even at 18 she's been a conscious being for 12 or so years now so there will be stuff that pops up along the way.

 

There's nothing wrong with the situation if you're honest about it - you don't know what she'll be like in 10 years and....if she wants to go to college and get a career - she's not going to be able to reproduce till your at least my age, maybe even older if she goes on to advanced studies or something like law school or medical school. I had a fwb thing for several months last year with a 22 year old. I almost hooked back up with her this past weekend but I realized she was too emotionally attached and while she was chill and the sex was good, she's not what I want long-term so I'm not going to see her again. Keep that in mind.

Edited March 23, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Blanco]

I'm in my very early 30s now, but still work out at my old college gym, so I'm surrounded by tons of 18-22 beautiful, athletic girls. And while I certainly take note, I just can't envision ever trying to date any of them. There might be a mutual attraction, but where is the overlap anywhere else?

 

Even at my age, I already feel a bit out of touch with some of the pop culture enjoyed by teens and young twentysomethings. What about life experiences? Even a fairly unremarkable 30-year-old probably has a lot more experiences and insights than a teenager.

 

TL;DR, yeah, the physical aspect is mighty tempting, but it takes mental immaturity or a skeeze to date a teenager when you're well into adulthood.

[TheFinalWord]

(More of a vent than anything. Advice is welcome, however.)

 

This all came to a head last night when my girlfriend, her mom and her mem went out to bingo. The topic came up and the mom started yelling at the grandma asking why does she want a pedophile over for dinner and if she was okay with everyone being uncomfortable. Argument ensued.

 

Girlfriend has some great grandparents. Her mem (grandma) and papa (grandpa) are awesome and total geeks. Once they found out I was also a geek they invited me over for Easter. Of course I said yes, they're going to have Star Wars and Lord of the Rings themed food. Going to watch corny Easter movies and all that jazz.

 

The other people who will be there will be her mother and her mothers boyfriend and his kids. Both of these individuals feel that I am a sexual predator because she is 18. It's kind of getting out of hand though with both of them telling people that I'm a pedophile because I'm dating an 18 year old. I do nothing but treat this girl very well and to the best of my ability.

 

I feel it's weird to them probably because I'm one year younger than her mothers boyfriend and five years younger than her mother. The moms boyfriend seems to be the one most upset about it all.

 

The relationship may not last forever, as most don't, but why try and crap all over something that two people are really enjoying?

 

Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

 

As a guy in your age range, I would feel really guilty dating this girl because at your age you can basically manipulate her psychologically due to your extended life experience.

[PaperCrane]

Thanks for the input everyone. Quite a bit to think about.

 

I honestly didn't expect this large of a thread to emerge, but it seems to be a rather black and white topic to many.

[Rejected Rosebud]

:

In fact, the young girl is lucky to have an experienced, level-headed man by her side.

:eek: Yikes! Sorry but that really took me by surprise.

 

Coming from someone more 7 years older than the girl you're dating OP - I have to tell you that among most young women, guys in their 30s who pursue us because of this "no baggage, not ruined by their life experiences" ARE seen as creepsters and, yes, kind of predatory. We don't think girls who go out with those type of oldish men (the type who actively seek girls who are very young and inexperienced) are "lucky" at all. To me, it seems depressing.

 

Anyway if I'd tried to date someone 5 years younger than my mother - I am pretty sure that at the very least, he wouldn't be invited to family gatherings.

 

Your relationship is not illegal. But I think it's unrealistic for you to expect her family to be accepting of it. It's not a good thing for their daughter to be with a man who is actively seeking youth and inexperience. They surely want their daughter to be valued for much more than that - and to get to enjoy being young with other young people!

[veggirl]

I knew this going in. Which is also why with her, and her friends, and my own, I'm very honest and transparent.

 

I find her attractive because despite all these factors, she's a scrapper. She doesn't let it destroy her. Instead she fights harder to do better than her mother. She doesn't like failure and sets goals for herself. On top of it all there's the nuances of her personality that are endearing and captivating. She's incredibly book smart and tingles my brain being able to talk about things further than dinner and the latest TV show.

 

I thought you didn't want someone who had a tough past/baggage?

[jen1447]

OP, are you in the US? Age of majority in most states is 18. That means she's considered by law to be an adult and can do things like get married - to a 90 year old if she wants - so you're clearly not a pedophile, and not a sexual predator unless you're victimizing her in some way or compelling her to do sth against her will.

 

I guess the whole "yeah but is it right?" (morally presumably) question is up for debate but the mom's wrong about the legal definitions of the things she's accused you of. Personally I think that since none of us know your GF, you, the nature of your relationship, or the relative maturity of either of you (tho you seem mature enough), it's impossible for us to say if this is ethically wrong or right.

 

I don't go after women younger than mid 20s personally - specifically bc of my concern that they're essentially kids yet - but that doesn't mean everyone else has to roll that way.

[Summer3]

Thanks for the input everyone. Quite a bit to think about.

 

I honestly didn't expect this large of a thread to emerge, but it seems to be a rather black and white topic to many.

 

It sort of is a black and white situation.

 

18 is a little girl.

 

30 is an adult.

 

Her body might look like an adult but she isn't. If you met some girl who left home at 12 and raised herself OK...that is an adult. But this girl lived at home and was raised by loving parents.

 

 

What you have is a baby. Let her grow up. That's the kind thing to do.