Gaeta Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 If you remove the ages of even tighten them in that example, it could be said of almost any relationship out there. It's a fear anyone could have about their partner. People can change at any time. It's a risk we all take when dating. Is the risk potentially higher? Maybe. Although a pose a counter question: is someone you love worth the risks if you truly love them? That's what most people seek to answer when dating, courting, and up to and sometimes throughout marriage. Anyway you try to turn this around, she is a teenage girl still. She has no clue who she is as a woman. Her brain is not even fully developed yet ! We are not talking age gap here, you can date any 40 yo woman your little heart want, we are talking you dating a TEEN. A human being who has not yet reached full brain development! There is a world apart between the brain of an 18 yo and a 24 yo ! If you were dating a 21 yo it wouldn't be as bad ! What is this teen girl dating history? What is YOUR dating history?
xxoo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Does she live in her own place? She has an apartment set for this upcoming fall semester. Does she pay her own rent? Yes. She works ~30 hours a week as well as her studies. Does she pays for her schooling? Yes. The loans are in her name as well as having numerous scholarships. Is she fully financially independent? She has her phone, insurance, food, and rent. She has enough at the end of the month to put away into savings after all her bills. So, she currently lives at home as it is only March? Because an 18 y/o has poor judgement, is the solution to put her with an 18 y/o guy who has equally bad judgement? Makes great sense! In fact, the young girl is lucky to have an experienced, level-headed man by her side. Of course it makes sense for a young woman to be with a young man. THey will grow up and mature together, equally. Having undeveloped judgment doesn't mean unsuitable to date. It means a suitable partner for someone not yet ready for Big World responsibilities, herself. Is there a dad in the picture? THat's the ideal level-headed man by a teenage girl's side 5
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Whew, history time. Her dating history is not mine to detail in length. If you have a specific question I can answer it if it isn't intrusive to her. My dating history includes a few short relationships, a long 8 year relationship, casual dating, etc.
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Whew, history time. Her dating history is not mine to detail in length. If you have a specific question I can answer it if it isn't intrusive to her. My dating history includes a few short relationships, a long 8 year relationship, casual dating, etc. There is nothing to detail in length in terms of dating when we're 18. Did she date at all ? What age were the guy she dated? So you had a few short relationship and a long 8 year relationship. Don't you think your experience overweight hers by far? Wouldn't you consider yourself 'beaten up by the world' for an 18 yo? You have all this baggage of dating, short and long term relationship and YET your resent women your age for having baggage?
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 So, she currently lives at home as it is only March? Of course it makes sense for a young woman to be with a young man. THey will grow up and mature together, equally. Having undeveloped judgment doesn't mean unsuitable to date. It means a suitable partner for someone not yet ready for Big World responsibilities, herself. Is there a dad in the picture? THat's the ideal level-headed man by a teenage girl's side She may live at home, but $500 in rent is enough to cover an apartment here if she wanted one. She wants to move closer to uni during the summer and would rather not have signed a lease at a place further away at the moment. No, no father figure other than her grandpa.
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 There is nothing to detail in length in terms of dating when we're 18. Did she date at all ? What age were the guy she dated? So you had a few short relationship and a long 8 year relationship. Don't you think your experience overweight hers by far? Wouldn't you consider yourself 'beaten up by the world' for an 18 yo? You have all this baggage of dating, short and long term relationship and YET your resent women your age for having baggage? Mmm no, I viewed them as learning experiences. Dating is about finding someone you're compatible with. Failed relationships give insight. As for her, I'll say she's had more boyfriends than I've had girlfriends. She's been dating for 6 years. Her longest relationship lasted over 2 years.
smackie9 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Because an 18 y/o has poor judgement, is the solution to put her with an 18 y/o guy who has equally bad judgement? Makes great sense! In fact, the young girl is lucky to have an experienced, level-headed man by her side. Not all 30 year olds are level headed. 2
suladas Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Because an 18 y/o has poor judgement, is the solution to put her with an 18 y/o guy who has equally bad judgement? Makes great sense! In fact, the young girl is lucky to have an experienced, level-headed man by her side. Yes it is lucky to have an experienced level-headed man by her side, but what does that have to do with this thread? A 30 year old man who wants to date a 18 year old is not that. 6
Omei Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 If you remove the ages of even tighten them in that example, it could be said of almost any relationship out there. It's a fear anyone could have about their partner. People can change at any time. It's a risk we all take when dating. Is the risk potentially higher? Maybe. Although a pose a counter question: is someone you love worth the risks if you truly love them? That's what most people seek to answer when dating, courting, and up to and sometimes throughout marriage. But we're not removing ages and speaking about other relationships were talking about yours 18 and 30 and there is there is a incredibly high chance if not sure chance this relationship will come to a close once she matures because she's not fully mature now so without pretending it's another relationship you are willing to put in the effort knowing it will end? Is my question and I see the answer is yes because you love her but you must know there is very high probability it will end and you'll be left old and alone. All relationships are a risk this one is kinda in the bag in terms of it lasting or not. Most men your age won't date young girls knowing this, which again why people question your intentions going forward knowing this most will think you want sex or have no intentions of it being long term.
serial muse Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 That's not why. We end up dating younger because we don't want all the broken ones with kids, mortgages, careers, crazy exes they share custody with and other weight holding them down and making them miserable. It's not age that is the factor, it's simplicity. We want women who are free of life's burdens and able to do fun and interesting things. By and large, this usually ends up being younger women, purely due to the arrow of time. It's not that we can't get girls our age. It's that we can do even better and get ones younger, who are much more difficult to get. Age itself isn't the factor though. Show me an older one who hasn't ruined her life yet amd I'm just as interested. Er...there's something rather vampiric about this perspective; it sounds an awful lot like draining the youth and freshness of others to maintain one's own "youth". I mean, come on, there's no way that isn't just a post meant to rile people up. Nice. OP, it does sound like the mom in this situation might be particularly concerned as she had a child at a very young age...and is likely hoping that her daughter will be more cautious than she was. That doesn't make her the enemy or overprotective. It means she has some first-hand perspective. I wonder how old the father was, relative to her. There is indeed a world of difference between 18 and 22, speaking as someone who has been both of those ages. It sounds like this girl has good instincts and is a responsible person...but for now, she still lives at home under her mother's roof. That means the mom's point of view matters. As for whether the mother's boyfriend is sneaking peeks at her - I certainly hope not. Did she grow up with him as a father figure? 4
GunslingerRoland Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 We end up dating younger because we don't want all the broken ones with kids, mortgages, careers, crazy exes they share custody with and other weight holding them down and making them miserable. It's not age that is the factor, it's simplicity. We want women who are free of life's burdens and able to do fun and interesting things. I realize you aren't the OP, but since he liked this post, I'm guessing he agrees somewhat, so I'll reply. What you're saying though, is that you don't want to date someone with adult responsibilities... so you have to get someone so new to being an adult that they don't have those yet. Do you dump them in a couple of years, when they get a career and a mortgage and aren't living a carefree life? And what's the goal of this? To distract from your own adult responsibilities? 7
GunslingerRoland Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Because an 18 y/o has poor judgement, is the solution to put her with an 18 y/o guy who has equally bad judgement? Makes great sense! In fact, the young girl is lucky to have an experienced, level-headed man by her side. If only we had older adults to help guide us through the part of our life when we aren't 100% responsible yet... oh wait, we do they are called parents. And they try to guide us when we make choices that aren't the best, like dating someone who isn't right for us. To me this is extremely problematic if the goal of dating someone younger is that you can play the "parental" role in guiding them through their youth. This doesn't allow their to be a relationship between two equals, and their will always be a power dynamic there. 4
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Ok I see the picture now. She is 18 and has been dating for 6 years. That means she started dating at 12. Between you and I, do you consider it dating at 12? but for the sake of this discussion lets say yes. All this means she had no parental supervision or guidance. She probably was sexually active at what? 14? No father figure in the picture, a mother who gave her a slack upbringing and probably had tons of boyfriends herself and left little Susie with no supervision. 3
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 But we're not removing ages and speaking about other relationships were talking about yours 18 and 30 and there is there is a incredibly high chance if not sure chance this relationship will come to a close once she matures because she's not fully mature now so without pretending it's another relationship you are willing to put in the effort knowing it will end? Is my question and I see the answer is yes because you love her but you must know there is very high probability it will end and you'll be left old and alone. All relationships are a risk this one is kinda in the bag in terms of it lasting or not. Most men your age won't date young girls knowing this, which again why people question your intentions going forward knowing this most will think you want sex or have no intentions of it being long term. No one knows if it'll last forever or not. The hypothetical was given because any relationship can fail. The truth comes down to, as you said it, if I'm willing to take that chance. The odds are actually in her favor. And yes, that risk can be seen as unwieldly for me to take a chance on. Just about 75% or higher of marriages fail. Almost all normal relationships fail. This risk is present regardless of age. So by that standard I'd rather risk it knowing I love someone. Which I do. And I'm willing to put in the effort at long term.
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 I realize you aren't the OP, but since he liked this post, I'm guessing he agrees somewhat, so I'll reply. What you're saying though, is that you don't want to date someone with adult responsibilities... so you have to get someone so new to being an adult that they don't have those yet. Do you dump them in a couple of years, when they get a career and a mortgage and aren't living a carefree life? And what's the goal of this? To distract from your own adult responsibilities? She does have adult responsibilities. She owns her car, pays insurance, works 30 hours a week on top of studies. Pays rent and her personal utilities and food. She works in a nursing home making pretty decent money. Enough to carry herself on if need be. This actually helps the dynamic because we both understand that we're busy and goal oriented.
Omei Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Ok I see the picture now. She is 18 and has been dating for 6 years. That means she started dating at 12. Between you and I, do you consider it dating at 12? but for the sake of this discussion lets say yes. All this means she had no parental supervision or guidance. She probably was sexually active at what? 14? No father figure in the picture, a mother who gave her a slack upbringing and probably had tons of boyfriends herself and left little Susie with no supervision. The more information we get we can see why she would find you of interest OP but have a lot of trouble understanding why you her...and given her background no father figure, boyfriends at an early age all we can see is why she makes a perfect candidate for an older man to take advantage. You're going to have to prepare yourself on being constantly judged as a man if you have this one you should know that. But if you really love her good luck. 4
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 The more information we get we can see why she would find you of interest OP but have a lot of trouble understanding why you her...and given her background no father figure, boyfriends at an early age all we can see is why she makes a perfect candidate for an older man to take advantage. You're going to have to prepare yourself on being constantly judged as a man if you have this one you should know that. I knew this going in. Which is also why with her, and her friends, and my own, I'm very honest and transparent. I find her attractive because despite all these factors, she's a scrapper. She doesn't let it destroy her. Instead she fights harder to do better than her mother. She doesn't like failure and sets goals for herself. On top of it all there's the nuances of her personality that are endearing and captivating. She's incredibly book smart and tingles my brain being able to talk about things further than dinner and the latest TV show. 1
xxoo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 One difference between a still developing teenager and an independent adult is that the mother wouldn't dare speak that way about her independent adult child's boyfriend--because an independent adult wouldn't tolerate it. They don't have to, of course, because they are an independent adult. You want your relationship to be respected? Date someone old mature enough to demand that respect. 1
introverted1 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 No one knows if it'll last forever or not. The hypothetical was given because any relationship can fail. The truth comes down to, as you said it, if I'm willing to take that chance. The odds are actually in her favor. And yes, that risk can be seen as unwieldly for me to take a chance on. Just about 75% or higher of marriages fail. Almost all normal relationships fail. This risk is present regardless of age. So by that standard I'd rather risk it knowing I love someone. Which I do. And I'm willing to put in the effort at long term. Just a small PSA about the divorce rate. As of 2000, there were 18.8 divorces per 1000 marriages. The 50 percent statistic is very misleading, if not completely wrong. "The demographics of divorce are routinely reported wrong, calculated wrong or misinterpreted," says Robert Hughes, a former professor in the Department of Human & Family Services, College of Human Environmental Science, University of Missouri-Columbia. Hughes says that for every two marriages that occurred in the 1990s there was one divorce. "This does not mean the divorce rate is 50 percent [because] the people getting married in a single year are not the same ones getting divorced," he says. Source (and detailed explanation): U.S. Divorce Rates and Statistics - Divorce Source Regular programming can continue. 3
Gaeta Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Instead she fights harder to do better than her mother. She doesn't like failure and sets goals for herself. My heart goes to her. Dating since the age of 12, and at 18 having collected more relationships than you have at 30, isn't she deep down just repeating her mother's pattern. 1
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 One difference between a still developing teenager and an independent adult is that the mother wouldn't dare speak that way about her independent adult child's boyfriend--because an independent adult wouldn't tolerate it. They don't have to, of course, because they are an independent adult. You want your relationship to be respected? Date someone old mature enough to demand that respect. Who says she tolerates it? I can't go over because her landlord at this moment happens to be her mother, whom is reaching her power a bit too far in my honest opinion. The same would be true if a non related landlord said I couldn't be on a premises. Easter is being held at the grandparents house and the current plan is that I am going, and my girlfriend doesn't give a damn about the consequences. What I care about is trying fostering good relations with her family. Even if her mother reacts in a way that makes her have to move out, I doubt she would. To be frank I doubt her mother and the boyfriend could afford the mortgage without her rent support. And she can leave when she feels she wants to. She has enough savings and income to do so. As I said. She's planning around moving this summer closer to her uni. If her mom says leave, that just means it starts sooner than expected. An independent adult can choose to say eff off, but they can also choose to not burn bridges.
whichwayisup Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 No, no father figure other than her grandpa. Be careful not to fall into a parent/child relationship. View her as your equal even though you're much older than her. 1
Author PaperCrane Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Just a small PSA about the divorce rate. As of 2000, there were 18.8 divorces per 1000 marriages. Source (and detailed explanation): U.S. Divorce Rates and Statistics - Divorce Source Regular programming can continue. Oh statistics. Thanks for the link. Accurate data is always good to know. 1
SpiralOut Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Very true. I remember my 18-22 years. I went in with the knowledge she's going to do a lot of growing up in that time. I thought about this for quite awhile in fact. I see it as a bonus in a way being with someone who's gone through all of that before so that if she needs some help or perspective I can be there. That's something that a parental figure does, not a boyfriend. I don't think you're a pedophile, but I do think your relationship with her will be lopsided. She is smart for her age, yes, but with her lack of life experience can she really make an equal contribution to the relationship? I seriously doubt it. It's up to you to decide if that's going to bother you later on. If you really want to keep seeing her, just keep treating her well and eventually (though it may take a long time) her mother will see that you're not a bad guy. 3
xxoo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Who says she tolerates it? I can't go over because her landlord at this moment happens to be her mother, whom is reaching her power a bit too far in my honest opinion. The same would be true if a non related landlord said I couldn't be on a premises. Easter is being held at the grandparents house and the current plan is that I am going, and my girlfriend doesn't give a damn about the consequences. What I care about is trying fostering good relations with her family. Even if her mother reacts in a way that makes her have to move out, I doubt she would. To be frank I doubt her mother and the boyfriend could afford the mortgage without her rent support. And she can leave when she feels she wants to. She has enough savings and income to do so. As I said. She's planning around moving this summer closer to her uni. If her mom says leave, that just means it starts sooner than expected. An independent adult can choose to say eff off, but they can also choose to not burn bridges. Reality says she tolerates it. Burning bridges isn't necessary for an adult to demand respect. She'll learn that as she matures. And this post reeks of daddy figure. 2
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