Girlfriends mom thinks I'm a predator.

March 22, 2016

(More of a vent than anything. Advice is welcome, however.)

This all came to a head last night when my girlfriend, her mom and her mem went out to bingo. The topic came up and the mom started yelling at the grandma asking why does she want a pedophile over for dinner and if she was okay with everyone being uncomfortable. Argument ensued.

Girlfriend has some great grandparents. Her mem (grandma) and papa (grandpa) are awesome and total geeks. Once they found out I was also a geek they invited me over for Easter. Of course I said yes, they're going to have Star Wars and Lord of the Rings themed food. Going to watch corny Easter movies and all that jazz.

The other people who will be there will be her mother and her mothers boyfriend and his kids. Both of these individuals feel that I am a sexual predator because she is 18. It's kind of getting out of hand though with both of them telling people that I'm a pedophile because I'm dating an 18 year old. I do nothing but treat this girl very well and to the best of my ability.

I feel it's weird to them probably because I'm one year younger than her mothers boyfriend and five years younger than her mother. The moms boyfriend seems to be the one most upset about it all.

The relationship may not last forever, as most don't, but why try and crap all over something that two people are really enjoying?

March 22, 2016

Because of social conditioning. They think such a big age gap is unacceptable, but they really don't know why. They question why such an old guy is needing to date such a young girl instead of somebody his own age. They don't understand social dynamics. Guys LOVE dating younger women.

I'm actually holding back from asking out an 18 or 19 year old girl because this conditioning is still inside me - and because of the story you just shared. I'm 34!

March 22, 2016

She's 18 - isn't that legally an adult in most countries. Maybe you're just a catch and the mums jealous as her chap isn't as good (hence why he's annoyed too).

It does seem a very toxic environment and one that's going to cause a lot of strain. I'd be wanting to avoid that location as much as possible. The fact is, we all connect with people of various ages and some people are more or less mature, which in turn makes them happier to be around people outside of their age group. Sadly there are some who are stuck in the past and prefer to put their own outdated ideologies ahead of their own daughters happiness.

Tell them you can't make it but then pick the daughter up in the child catchers vehicle from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

March 22, 2016

How old are you, OP?

March 22, 2016

You're too old for her. Most people would think it was creepy.

March 22, 2016

How old are you, OP?

I'm 30.

As extra info I met her through a co-worker buddy whom I'm good friend with. She's a friend of his girlfriend.

You're too old for her. Most people would think it was creepy.

Okay, fair enough. But would you mind expanding on your reasoning though? It may help me understand the situation a bit better. She's also into older men. She doesn't find guys her age very attractive. Not stating that as some kind of pass, just as extra info.

March 22, 2016

How old are you, OP?

Yeah I'm also waiting for the answer to this.

March 22, 2016

I'm 30.

As extra info I met her through a co-worker buddy whom I'm good friend with. She's a friend of his girlfriend.

Okay, fair enough. But would you mind expanding on your reasoning though? It may help me understand the situation a bit better. She's also into older men. She doesn't find guys her age very attractive. Not stating that as some kind of pass, just as extra info.

It's obviously subjective (as long as she's legal, which she is), but 18 is just REALLY young. Even if she's mature for her age, she's still really young and just months removed from high school, right?

I think if she was 22 and you were 30, people would be a lot less concerned. Young adults do a lot of growing up from 18-22.

March 22, 2016

The emotional development gap between 18 and 30 is huge.

That is why they're worried.

March 22, 2016

I will preface my comments by saying that I have a 17yo daughter.

From my perspective, I'd find it unlikely that you'd be interested in this girl for anything more than sex.

While I think my daughter is a delightful, mature 17yo girl with lots to offer, I also assume that a healthy 30yo man would want to date a woman, not a girl.

It's not just about age, it's about life stage. A 30yo has presumably completed college, embarked on a career, has a sense of self, has a long range plan for his personal and professional growth and aspirations, etc. An 18yo has little of that.

Honestly, while I wouldn't necessarily consider you a pedophile, I would be deeply suspicious that your interest went beyond the physical. It's a rare parent who would be happy to see her daughter as someone's sex object.

As for the fact that this girl likes older men... lots of girls feel that way. In part because they are more mature than 18yo boys but also because there is a cachet for both genders to land someone older. Not to mention than a 30yo guy typically has resources -- car, house, money -- not available to an 18yo.

March 22, 2016

I recall dating a woman that was 19 and a Junior in college and I was 27 at the time. Personally, I had this "dating within 10 years" rule, so I didn't think it was that much of an age difference, but...her mother thought it was.

Eventually she talked her daughter into dumping me. About 2 or 3 years later she dated and married someone. She started dating the guy just after dumping me though.

Was rather upsetting, but he gets to reap the he** of dealing with a nagging in-laws for the rest of his married life.

Honestly, while I wouldn't necessarily consider you a pedophile, I would be deeply suspicious that your interest went beyond the physical. It's a rare parent who would be happy to see her daughter as someone's sex object.

Really, a sex object? It wasn't the case with me.

Edited March 22, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

March 22, 2016

I think it's gotta be hard as a parent when your "little girl" just barely out of high school comes home with a grown man who is almost double her age.

The onus is going to be on you to prove that you are actually genuine and not a predator because the fact is a lot of 30+ men would go after an 18 year old girl, and the majority of them wouldn't have the best of intentions.

March 22, 2016

It's obviously subjective (as long as she's legal, which she is), but 18 is just REALLY young. Even if she's mature for her age, she's still really young and just months removed from high school, right?

I think if she was 22 and you were 30, people would be a lot less concerned. Young adults do a lot of growing up from 18-22.

Very true. I remember my 18-22 years. I went in with the knowledge she's going to do a lot of growing up in that time. I thought about this for quite awhile in fact. I see it as a bonus in a way being with someone who's gone through all of that before so that if she needs some help or perspective I can be there.

It comes with pitfalls and hurdles. I guess to me it doesn't really matter as long as the two people are happy and having their needs fulfilled.

March 22, 2016

Has she graduated high school yet? Is she in college?

March 22, 2016

You are so focused on your perspective, why not try and see it from their end. Would you like your 18 year old daughter, the apple of your eye, your baby girl, be with a 30 year old man?

March 22, 2016

Ignore the parents. Of course you are dating an 18 year old for the sex, but mostly the unfettered feminity that hasn't been beaten down by insecure men that try to be "nice".

18 year olds tend to be flakey, not know what they want, etc. Not a lot of life experience. Keep dating and don't get too serious. Mom is just being protective, but she's also lacking a good amount of compassion and being unacceptably mean about it. Sounds like some jealousy too. Also dealing with " all men only like sexy 18 that olds " Which hits a lot of insecurities in her, especially since your are so close in age to the moms boyfriend. She may even worry about her boyfriend looking at her daughter.

She obviously doesn't know you very well. Maybe you should just have a one on one lunch. Take the lead and say you would like to get to know her better. But that's more of a committed relationship move. So not sure where you are at.

March 22, 2016

Ignore the parents. Of course you are dating an 18 year old for the sex, but mostly the unfettered feminity that hasn't been beaten down by insecure men that try to be "nice".

And the family realises this.

There's your answer, OP.

March 22, 2016

I hate to say this but I would also be worried if my daughter, 18, dated a 30 year old. coming from someone whose 20, I can assure u that she hasn't matured enough. shes still young she still neexs to explore, u are suffocating her OP.

March 22, 2016

Honestly, while I wouldn't necessarily consider you a pedophile, I would be deeply suspicious that your interest went beyond the physical. It's a rare parent who would be happy to see her daughter as someone's sex object.

I can see where you're coming from. Sexual attraction is a key component in almost any healthy relationship. People who date will have sex.

I don't find age to be a marker for deeming someone to be a user. Guys aged 18-99 will use any girl they can find for sex if they are a user. If I remember my college years accurately, most relationships were replaced at the rate of a toilet paper roll. She tells me about how most girls she knows at her age and even younger are breaking their double digit sexual partners during their high school years. Threesomes and foursomes, and FWB are the norm now. People are using each other for sex all the time and packaging it as a relationship, when it is clearly anything but.

A person whom is a bit older is most likely removed from that stage of their life and is looking for something more serious. Has stability to stand on and life experience to aid in their decision making. I guess what I'm saying is that, why would it be worse if someone older is using her for sex rather than someone her own age using her for sex? Not that I am, just trying to gain perspective.

And further, why is someone who is older whom has a stable life stage with money and a car and a house savings fund a worse choice to date than someone who doesn't even know what their major in college is going to be?

She and I have quite a bit in common in fact. It seems that with geek/nerd/dork culture it crosses age ranges. She's all into Star Wars and old fantasy novels and comics. The whole range. I'm into those things too. We share a sport of bowling that we have a lot of fun with. We both enjoy each others company and I find her wit to be sharp and quick. As far as career and life goes, I'm in a career and she isn't. Although this can be seen pretty often with almost any life stage and gender reversal as well.

I apologize if my statements come off as any tone other than just trying to understand peoples perspectives.

March 22, 2016

You are so focused on your perspective, why not try and see it from their end. Would you like your 18 year old daughter, the apple of your eye, your baby girl, be with a 30 year old man?

I would be suspect of any man. Regardless of age, color, nationality, etc. I'm an equal opportunity user of scrutiny. What I would want to be shown is respect for my daughter, that he has a good head on his shoulders, and that she is happy. I judge based on merit.

March 22, 2016

When my daughter was 18 I was 38.

I would have had a huge reaction to her dating a 30 yo. I probably would not have approved of it and make his life a living hell.

It's normal for a young girl to be attracted toward an older man BUT I find it extremely disturbing when a 30 year old dates a teenage girl. To me he must have something very wrong with him to chose to date a teenage girl instead of dating a woman his age and I think he does that because women his age wouldn't date him so he has to look toward much younger and inexperienced woman.

I wouldn't show up there if I were you.

March 22, 2016

I can see where you're coming from. Sexual attraction is a key component in almost any healthy relationship. People who date will have sex

I don't find age to be a marker for deeming someone to be a user. Guys aged 18-99 will use any girl they can find for sex if they are a user. If I remember my college years accurately, most relationships were replaced at the rate of a toilet paper roll. She tells me about how most girls she knows at her age and even younger are breaking their double digit sexual partners during their high school years. Threesomes and foursomes, and FWB are the norm now. People are using each other for sex all the time and packaging it as a relationship, when it is clearly anything but.

A person whom is a bit older is most likely removed from that stage of their life and is looking for something more serious. Has stability to stand on and life experience to aid in their decision making. I guess what I'm saying is that, why would it be worse if someone older is using her for sex rather than someone her own age using her for sex? Not that I am, just trying to gain perspective.

And further, why is someone who is older whom has a stable life stage with money and a car and a house savings fund a worse choice to date than someone who doesn't even know what their major in college is going to be?

She and I have quite a bit in common in fact. It seems that with geek/nerd/dork culture it crosses age ranges. She's all into Star Wars and old fantasy novels and comics. The whole range. I'm into those things too. We share a sport of bowling that we have a lot of fun with. We both enjoy each others company and I find her wit to be sharp and quick. As far as career and life goes, I'm in a career and she isn't. Although this can be seen pretty often with almost any life stage and gender reversal as well.

I apologize if my statements come off as any tone other than just trying to understand peoples perspectives.

I think the issue is not that people who date will have sex but that an 18yo does not have the body of experience or dating maturity to recognize situations that may be unhealthy, unbalanced, etc.

Again, if I use the example of my 17yo, she would be "prey" for a 30yo man. She's a kid. Yes, I understand she has a sexually mature body, but her mind and her emotions are those of a kid. She is not a peer to the 30yo. So yes, I would rather see her date someone closer to her life stage. I'd like her first experiences with love and sex to be with someone who also shares her innocence and sense of possibility and all that.

You may be a great guy, OP. But I totally get how her family might be opposed, especially since the mom apparently had the daughter at a very young age and may (somewhat paradoxically) be extra concerned about sex and pregnancy.

March 22, 2016

Also dealing with " all men only like sexy 18 that olds " Which hits a lot of insecurities in her, especially since your are so close in age to the moms boyfriend. She may even worry about her boyfriend looking at her daughter.

She obviously doesn't know you very well. Maybe you should just have a one on one lunch. Take the lead and say you would like to get to know her better. But that's more of a committed relationship move. So not sure where you are at.

Statement 1: I've been told by her that the moms boyfriend has peered at her through the bathroom windows before, or when she's gone to the beach in her swimsuit. She can't tell if it's on purpose or what. It's hearsay anyways.

Statement 2: I've invited her out to lunch and have been declined twice. However she doesn't mind sending a message to her daughter to have me bring home food to them if we go out.

The family, minus her mom and the moms boyfriend, like me. They've sent messages saying how happy they are to see her happy. That they're glad someone treats her well and respectfully. It was the moms boyfriend who generated the accusations. The mother tagged along after.

March 22, 2016

Ah! There it is! The moms boyfriend is jealous of you and is protecting his territory. And using the moms insecurity as a screen for his attraction to her and point the finger at you so it's not pointed at him. What a dickhead, he's the pedo.

The daughter should tell her mom she's uncomfortable around her boyfriend for these reasons. That ought to get some Jerry springer action going ahhahahahah

March 22, 2016

I think the issue is not that people who date will have sex but that an 18yo does not have the body of experience or dating maturity to recognize situations that may be unhealthy, unbalanced, etc.

Again, if I use the example of my 17yo, she would be "prey" for a 30yo man. She's a kid. Yes, I understand she has a sexually mature body, but her mind and her emotions are those of a kid. She is not a peer to the 30yo. So yes, I would rather see her date someone closer to her life stage. I'd like her first experiences with love and sex to be with someone who also shares her innocence and sense of possibility and all that.

You may be a great guy, OP. But I totally get how her family might be opposed, especially since the mom apparently had the daughter at a very young age and may (somewhat paradoxically) be extra concerned about sex and pregnancy.

Very good points, and I can empathize with them. Many are thoughts I've had as well and I've tried to reach out to the mother, but the boyfriend says I'm not allowed near the house. Any attempt I make at an olive branch is shot down. Which is why I'm going to make a solid effort on Easter since it's like meeting in Switzerlands neutral zone.

The mom had her at 17. Gave her up to the grandparents for 4 years, took her back for 3, then gave her up to them until she was 11 and then took her back again.

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Girlfriends mom thinks I'm a predator.

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