123sadgirl Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Most thread i read , most of exMM or exMW always make contact after they have end it... why ? They end it for a reason, so why will they bother making contact again. Has anyone had an exMM or exMW who kept to their decision and never made contact again? Do we secretly wish they will make contact? 1
elaine567 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Most thread i read , most of exMM or exMW always make contact after they have end it... why ? They end it for a reason, so why will they bother making contact again. Its sex, its comfort, its support, it is wanting to be "da man" with two besotted women at his beck and call, its any number of different reasons. Why does anyone look up their ex? For a MM it is sometimes difficult to find willing women to fill the OW role so they end up back at her door again... 7
Popsicle Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Nostalgia, mostly. They miss the highs, they miss the positive things. They miss all the good things about it that are missing from their current lives. And then there are some who do it simply because they want to feel more in control. 6
Forceawakensme Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 To summarize all the above reasons mentioned already -- Because they are selfish, bored and and/or horny... 6
twosadthings Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Because they think of you as an easy sure thing. Just sayin', Twosadthings 4
Gloria_Smellons Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 Most thread i read , most of exMM or exMW always make contact after they have end it... why ? They end it for a reason, so why will they bother making contact again. Has anyone had an exMM or exMW who kept to their decision and never made contact again? Do we secretly wish they will make contact? I think the first part has already been reasonably well explained, could be boredom, curiosity, to restart things etc etc. As for the second, I have. MM and I ended (we didn't actually discuss it, it just happened really) and I've not heard from him since. Nor has he heard from me. As for the last. If I'm being honest.. sometimes. But I realise when I am feeling like that it is all to do with how I'm feeling about myself and nothing really to do with MM or the relationship we had. I'm looking for some validation from an external source because I want to feel 'better' about myself. Him contacting me would mean that he still thinks of me, or wishes he could see me again, or is curious about me, and that would give me an ego boost. However, I realise that any temporary positive feeling (if any) would quickly evaporate, so I am glad he doesn't. 10
lemondrop21 Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 They get bored and miss you/the A drama/the sex/whatever... not enough to leave the M for you of course! But still, enough that it drives them a bit crazy at times. They think, might be worthwhile to check if you're still an option... why not? The longer you go without contacting them, the more their ego is wounded. I haven't updated my thread, but my xMM told me point blank yesterday that he wants the A back, he wants to "have it all," to "have his cake and eat it too." He actually used those words. 11
rainbowsandkittens Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I have not heard from mine. I'm sure I never will again. And I wish like crazy that he would contact me. But he won't. And I would never contact him. I hate how permanent it is. 5
Grey Cloud Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 I have not heard from mine. I'm sure I never will again. And I wish like crazy that he would contact me. But he won't. And I would never contact him. I hate how permanent it is. I would be MAJORLY surprised if I ever hear from my xMM. Especially the way things ended (both of us breaking NC) and me eventually sending him an angry email saying never contact me again and don't respond to this email. I haven't left the door open so I don't think he will. It's for the best. Reading all these threads it sounds ten times worse if they make contact after it's over. 2
ladydesigner Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 While contact from an AP reinforces that the A meant something, it also sets both parties back again and again until it ends. There usually isn't any "closure" that feels good. When one side is in pain they tend to want to reach out to kill that pain hence the breaking of NC. wash.rise.repeat 6
Grey Cloud Posted March 17, 2016 Posted March 17, 2016 They get bored and miss you/the A drama/the sex/whatever... not enough to leave the M for you of course! But still, enough that it drives them a bit crazy at times. They think, might be worthwhile to check if you're still an option... why not? The longer you go without contacting them, the more their ego is wounded. I haven't updated my thread, but my xMM told me point blank yesterday that he wants the A back, he wants to "have it all," to "have his cake and eat it too." He actually used those words. Wow, hope you are ok Lemon! There is one thing to be told "I want YOU back because I ultimately want to be with you" compared to "I want to have cake and eat it too". At least he is not future faking I guess.... 6
oceansaway Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Because it is VERY DIFFICULT to find another willing OW that will tolerate their bull**** and lie. I wish mine wasn't such a liar and I'm angry at myself for believing his crap for so long. 5
Adoraxx Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 They get bored and miss you/the A drama/the sex/whatever... not enough to leave the M for you of course! But still, enough that it drives them a bit crazy at times. They think, might be worthwhile to check if you're still an option... why not? The longer you go without contacting them, the more their ego is wounded. I haven't updated my thread, but my xMM told me point blank yesterday that he wants the A back, he wants to "have it all," to "have his cake and eat it too." He actually used those words. After how long of NC did he contact you, lemondrop? Ugh he with his "I want to have it all" and "have his cake and eat it too". What did you reply?
lemondrop21 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 (edited) Wow, hope you are ok Lemon! There is one thing to be told "I want YOU back because I ultimately want to be with you" compared to "I want to have cake and eat it too". At least he is not future faking I guess.... Yes, in the midst of something that is entirely based on a lie, his broken soul has somehow found a way to give himself points for honesty. He says "I don't really know how I'm justifying this, but I am" and "I will have to work through the guilt of betraying my w and kids for the rest of my life, no matter what." So his logic has become, "I already f***ed this up, may as well continue." If there had been a DDay it most certainly would be different, but right now he feels like an invincible puppet-master. He says he hates himself for all of this. But in his mind, if he can find a way to keep w happy, kids happy and OW (me) happy, it lessens the self-hatred... even though it's all based on an illusion! He hated the withdrawals during NC, and all the times I refused to respond to him. He can't stand the idea that anyone hates him or is rejecting him. He wants to be worshiped by all, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll then be able to love himself. The strong, confident, personable man at the office who I was originally attracted to, has turned out to be weak, broken and empty. He was trying to break NC, and now wants to continue the A, to try and find relief from the self-loathing, even though the affair is both a cause and symptom of it. He wants reassurance that I still love and accept him. It's an enormous paradox to be sure. Edited March 18, 2016 by lemondrop21 5
ladydesigner Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Yes, in the midst of something that is entirely based on a lie, his broken soul has somehow found a way to give himself points for honesty. He says "I don't really know how I'm justifying this, but I am" and "I will have to work through the guilt of betraying my w and kids for the rest of my life, no matter what." So his logic has become, "I already f***ed this up, may as well continue." If there had been a DDay it most certainly would be different, but right now he feels like an invincible puppet-master. He says he hates himself for all of this. But in his mind, if he can find a way to keep w happy, kids happy and OW (me) happy, it lessens the self-hatred... even though it's all based on an illusion! He hated the withdrawals during NC, and all the times I refused to respond to him. He can't stand the idea that anyone hates him or is rejecting him. He wants to be worshiped by all, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll then be able to love himself. The strong, confident, personable man at the office who I was originally attracted to, has turned out to be weak, broken and empty. He was trying to break NC, and now wants to continue the A, to try and find relief from the self-loathing, even though the affair is both a cause and symptom of it. He wants reassurance that I still love and accept him. It's an enormous paradox to be sure. Bingo! You stated a really important example of how some MM only thinks of himself. I cannot believe how many have this attribute including my WH. My WH too does not want to be hated or "the bad guy" at all costs. He doesn't ever take blame well and usually shifts that blame somewhere else to make himself feel better. 2
rainbowsandkittens Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 I think that's the best way to put it. My AP had something happen at work. He had to do something that was totally justified. He spent A WEEK freaking out that everyone in his office hated him, they wouldn't get over it, did he do the wrong thing, etc etc. I reassured him and reassured him but he was a wreck. It was then that I started to realize that he would never leave his partner- if he was that inconsolable over something a) about work and b) that had to happen and was for the good of everything and everyone then there was no way he was going to uproot his life and change his status with his kids, his friends, his family, his workplace, etc. He just totally could not handle the idea of anyone disliking him. It's exhausting. 2
brothers343 Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 The reality is they come back becouse they know they can. And they also know that cookies are still for the taking. In simplist terms that is. 1
Babsinhealing Posted March 18, 2016 Posted March 18, 2016 Most thread i read , most of exMM or exMW always make contact after they have end it... why ? They end it for a reason, so why will they bother making contact again. Has anyone had an exMM or exMW who kept to their decision and never made contact again? Do we secretly wish they will make contact? I fight with this question everyday since I went NC... My mind fights with itself- "Don't reach out, reach out, please don't reach out, please text me, please break your phone or block me, please make my day, please tell me you can't live without me, please forget about me and let me heal and get over this" It's BRUTAL. NC -2 weeks today. 2
MidnightBlue1980 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 they get bored and miss you/the a drama/the sex/whatever... Not enough to leave the m for you of course! But still, enough that it drives them a bit crazy at times. They think, might be worthwhile to check if you're still an option... Why not? The longer you go without contacting them, the more their ego is wounded. I haven't updated my thread, but my xmm told me point blank yesterday that he wants the a back, he wants to "have it all," to "have his cake and eat it too." he actually used those words. and??????????
MidnightBlue1980 Posted March 19, 2016 Posted March 19, 2016 Most thread i read , most of exMM or exMW always make contact after they have end it... why ? They end it for a reason, so why will they bother making contact again. Has anyone had an exMM or exMW who kept to their decision and never made contact again? Do we secretly wish they will make contact? They come back if they think they can hook up with you. In my situation, I ended the A and while we have had communication as I see him, I was very clear about being done with being on the side. I am also intense and a little crazy. I am not a cool FWB gal. So almost 3 months now and he has not contacted me once with anything on a personal level - that I did not initiate. I pretty much have been trying to just move on and have stopped contacting him, so there is really nothing at this point outside of when I see him. Do I secretly wish he would make contact? Of course! So I could reject him. But on the other hand, not really. I just want to forget and move on. He is not going to email me about hooking up, love is his card. I really don't want that at this point. I just want to be free. 2
Author 123sadgirl Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 When as a MM you end an affair without DD because you feel quilt or wants to work on your marriage or wants to be a good person again etc.. 1. Do you miss the affair? 2. Do think of your ex AP? 3. Why do you make contact again when have ended it in the first place?
Liam1 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 When as a MM you end an affair without DD because you feel quilt or wants to work on your marriage or wants to be a good person again etc.. 1. Do you miss the affair? 2. Do think of your ex AP? 3. Why do you make contact again when have ended it in the first place? Sad Girl: I ended my affair and told my wife because I wanted to work on the marriage. I also wanted her to work on the marriage. If she was not willing to get counseling as I had been requesting, than divorce was my only remaining option. For me, it turned out, that an affair was not the answer. In my situation the affair became very quickly an annoyance rather than a pleasure. I do not miss the affair. The double life was too stressful, IMO and I did not feel good about myself, while in the affair. But I believe there are many men who do miss the affair. Their marital circumstances were likely different than mine. Of course I think of the EX affair partner. I also think of long ago girlfriends from High School and college now and then. I never made contact again with the ex OW, after I ended the affair. In my case, I was not in love with my affair partner. She and I both had issues and problems in our marriage and those issues made the affair attractive, at the time, to me, and likely to my ex OW. The affair for me was a sexual arrangement, nothing more. It was always discussed repeatedly that it was to be ONLY a sexual affair and it would never lead to marriage. After ending the affair, my wife and I got counseling and the marital issues were addressed and corrected. IMO, when a WS continues to make contact and ex AP, IMO, it is most likely related to ongoing problems in the marriage that have not been addressed and resolve. Alternatively, perhaps it is a WS who married someone they never loved, but married in haste or for financial convenience rather than romantic love. My ex Ow still attempts to make contact. In her case, it's likely because, as she mentioned many times, she never loved her husband and married him for his money. She has not addressed this issue in her marriage. Perhaps because for her the only solution is to divorce and find someone she loves to marry, instead of staying married for financial reasons. She, however, does not want to give up her nice lifestyle. Because there is no solution to my ex OW's marital discontent, she is still attempting to reconnect and rekindle the affair. So, to my mind, in my ex OWs case, marital discontent seems to be ONE logical reason why she would try to make contact again. There are also likely some cases where the married person wants his/her cake and wants to eat it too, or he/she likes the intrigue of the affair, or likes the idea of two people fighting over him/her. There likely is no one concrete answer that can apply to everyone who has an affair.
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