Nick2009 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 So, I have known this girl/woman since two years ago. Today she is 32 and I am 36. We met when I started working for a new company. We shared office (me, her, and another colleague) and went on coffee/lunch breaks together. At the time I was in a long-term relationship with another woman, and from what I knew at the time, she was married and had a two-year-old child. From the start I just thought she was cute, but I nothing more than that. Fast forward 6-7 months. By then we had built rapport and became really friendly. One day she tells me she is getting a divorce and that her husband had moved out (she initiated the divorce). At that time I am still in a relationship with my long-term girlfriend, but I remember feeling excited when hearing this. She had been with her husband since she was 18 and had no other serious relationships in her life. She also said that it took her two years to make the decision about her divorce. Over the next year or so we start flirting, pretty innocently at first. We texted a lot, joked a lot. However, she also told me that she was seeing a man, but wasn’t serious about it. She said this guy wanted a relationship, but she didn’t. At the same time I started having problems in my relationship. A few months later I end my relationship and become single. The day I told her, she seemed very excited. She couldn’t wait to tell her friend that I was single now. We continue our texting and it gradually becomes really flirtatious, even a bit sexual. In the last few months I really developed a crush on her. Two months ago we both found new jobs. Knowing that soon I would not be seeing her on a daily basis, our last week together I told her that I really liked her, but she immediately withdrew, saying that she had had enough of men. I defuse the situation a bit by saying that I wasn’t suggesting anything serious and that it was too early for me for a new relationship as well. All of this time her divorce had been dragging (it has still not been finalized to this day). However, after this she started being even more flirtatious with me. We went out a few times (always with other friends as well, no dates), and we would tease each other all the time. The last time we went out was a week ago. I was in a good mood and started teasing her heavily, sexually, she responded well. At one point she even told me to feel her tits, but back out immediately. The teasing went back and forth the whole time. Since there were other people there as well, nothing happened. But I decided to do something, so I asked her out. I did it in a fun manner, saying that I would not accept no for an answer. She kinda agreed, but made it clear that it would be a friendly date, and that she had not changed her mind about men and dating. What she is basically doing is – her actions are saying yes to me, and her brain is saying no. She acts really flirty – sending me kisses, making sexual jokes, but at the same time she does not want to go out on a normal date. At no time did I start acting needy. Whenever she acts like this I laugh it off and tell her that she is being silly and immature, and that I know she wants me. When I say this she just giggles. The fact is she is inexperienced (I even think that she might not have been with any other man except her former husband). It has to be said that she also has a lot of worries in her life, splitting property with her former husband, childcare, and all that, and that she is currently making life-changing decisions that have nothing to do with romantic relationships. At times I think to myself that I have invested too much energy and time and that I should just tell her to make up her mind – yes or no. And if it’s a no, we wouldn’t stay in touch any more. At other times I think to myself that I should keep doing what I have been doing – being flirty, confident and funny with her – because she may lower that guard (there has been progress already, but slow). What is your advice – do I pull out the nuke and go all or nothing, or do I keep being flirty and give her more time? I would really appreciate your opinion. Thanks.
preraph Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 To me it sounds like she enjoys flirting but doesn't want anything more. Divorce will do that to you. This was a long marriage. She needs to mourn it. That could take a couple of years depending on what she's like. If I were you, I'd quit trying to escalate things and just touch base once a month and stay in touch and give her a chance to process this divorce. Pretty sure she knows where to find you if she needs a friend or decides to date. If you just be her friend actively now though, it might never change. Your best bet for it maybe to change is to give her space now.
salparadise Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 At times I think to myself that I have invested too much energy and time and that I should just tell her to make up her mind – yes or no. And if it’s a no, we wouldn’t stay in touch any more. At other times I think to myself that I should keep doing what I have been doing – being flirty, confident and funny with her – because she may lower that guard (there has been progress already, but slow). This is tough. I agree with preraph in one sense. She probably does need more time. But there aren't any guarantees that it will work out if you do give her time, and from your perspective the timing is good now. Waiting for something that may or may not happen isn't the best thing. A lot depends on how smitten you are with her I'd say. I think you should take a serious tone and explain to her that you want to date her, but you can't wait indefinitely. If she's not ready then withdraw such that you're not fulfilling her emotional needs. As long as you're meeting her limited needs for male companionship without her having to meet yours there's no reason for her to change anything. If she misses you and wants your companionship then it only happens in actual dating- not as her buddy. If she's just not ready then date other women and touch base with her occasionally. Make sure she's not taking you for granted or putting you in the friend zone, but don't put your life on hold indefinitely- maybe you'll be available when she's ready and maybe you won't.
Author Nick2009 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I definitely cannot wait for years for something that may or may not happen. I really care for her, but I have to resolve this sooner. I think that she is really inexperienced and she fears having a new partner because she had only had one serious partner so far. She is also a big investor. She invested a lot in that marriage – 12 years of her life, and she ended up disappointed. It is obvious she is afraid of investing again, so she is happy with just innocent flirting. It is enough to fulfill her emotional needs for the time being. I think she is happier avoiding pain than risking happiness. I am aware of that and I don’t want to pressure her in any way. I do, however, sense there is potential. There are so many signs – and I don’t think it’s just my wishful thinking because I have been with girls that were much less flirty with me. All I care about now is how to maximize our chances based on this potential. I think, for now, I am going stay in touch and flirt heavily when we interact. But, it is probably going to come to that serious talk at some point, like Salparadise mentioned. When it does, I hope she is more open to accepting the risks and rewards a loving relationship has to offer. What else is there to do…?
preraph Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 She's told you no already, so I don't think it's realistic to think she doesn't know what she wants and keep pursuing her in that way. It's very hard for women to tell a man no because they have so much empathy and don't want to hurt them, so they won't say it unless they mean it. Good lord this was a long marriage. Let her process it and move on.
Author Nick2009 Posted March 22, 2016 Author Posted March 22, 2016 Thanks for the advice, preraph. However, if she really does not want anything, why would she initiate contact and flirt? Wouldn't that just be evil and mean from her...? To taunt me like that, knowing that I like her? If someone liked me and I didn't like them back, I would never lead them on like that. Maybe you are right, but I have to be certain...
Recommended Posts