Why is the bs always criticized for how they react on DD

[BurnedAndLost]

I see it all the time. A BS' entire character being judged based on their reaction to one of the worst things that can happen to someone.

If a bs shows any anger or wants to fight for their marriage they are crazy, abusive, manipulative, or worse. That is the way they always were and it couldn't possibly be due the actions to the gaslighting their spouse subjected them to. In fact i often see people blaming the bs for their ws' actions.

 

 

 

Interesting enough, the people who are the most guilty of the victim blaming, never hold APs or WS' to these same lofty standards. If an AP acts this way its because she has been manipulated and abused by the mm. None of it is her fault. Some people try to paint a dramatic love story between two people who love each other but can't be together because of a mean vindictive spouse. The bs is always supposed to silently slink away and let their ws ride off in to the sunset. They call for the bs to show the utmost amount of grace, but don't say anything about a ws' or APs total lack of grace during an affair.

 

Why is this mindset so common?

Edited March 21, 2016 by BurnedAndLost

[Satu]

From my journals:

 

 

They all say,"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that its all your fault.

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that you're just not good enough.

 

Then you can get really clear in your head that you must do better.

 

Or, you can look at it this way: He did it because he wanted to.

 

 

Take care.

[ShatteredLady]

I started posting here long before I learnt that I was a bs. I knew that something was very, very wrong but I didn't understand. I was a complete & utter mess. I posted here through my crazy 'd-days' (I don't know if you still call it that when it's the lunacy I've been through).

 

I'm pretty much the poster child for crazy BS because I didn't know what was happening from one day to the next.

 

Yes, there were days that I logged-on & cried my heart out because someone had posted something cruel, judging.... In hindsight it was only ever the odd individual. The vast majority of members here have been incredibly kind, supportive & understanding. They REALLY have! BS's, OW, OM, WS's alike.

 

I've poured my heart out here & ive met some truly lovely people, even a couple I now call FRIENDS.

 

Most people here are really hurting. Sometimes they word things in ways that can really hit a nerve too a very sensitive newcomer like me. I'm sure there are those who would say that OW get the harshest judgement. Others say it's WS.

 

This is more of a lesson too all of us to find our empathy & be more gentle to EVERYONE.

[burnt]

Why is the bs always criticized for how they react on DD

 

I see it all the time. A BS' entire character being judged based on their reaction to one of the worst things that can happen to someone.

 

BurnedAndLost; it's a very interesting observation.

 

Full disclosure--I'm xMOW. Therefore, most of the posts that I read in this site are in the OW/OM or infidelity sections. And I'm sure to some extent my thoughts are somewhat partial to OW/OM.

 

However, I must say, I do not recall a single entry where the BS is criticized for reacting with pain on D-day.

 

Whether it's by BS, WS, or OW, everyone always acknowledges the pain of the BS.

 

Sorry…Are you talking about this site or another site somewhere??

 

Interesting enough, the people who are the most guilty of the victim blaming, never hold APs or WS' to these same lofty standards. If an AP acts this way its because she has been manipulated and abused by the mm. None of it is her fault.

 

Again, interesting…

Have you read any of the recent MM's posting of their affairs and how they get bashed, smashed and shot down by everyone to the point that most MM's don't really hang around that much??

 

I suppose it's really interesting that we are both reading the same collection of posts but processing the information differently.

 

But if you can find a SINGLE BS who posted in this site who actually got criticized for how they reacted on DDay, can you please reference it?

Just curious.

 

FYI,

the people who ALWAYS get criticized are the WS and OW.

[ladydesigner]

It seems on the OW/OM forum that the BS is often villainized. I have seen it over and over again here on LS. The BS is the only party who is being victimized by the A. Both the MM and AP are active participants in the A unless they are an unknowing OW/OM. Other than that the choice is made by both parties to betray the BS.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't want to get pedantic but there are many references to the crazy bs...just as bad as the OW bashing.

 

[]

 

Many believe the poor WS is frightened of the bs & her hysterical reaction on d-day is given as 'proof' why he's scared to leave or how 'crazy' she is.

 

I hate it when threads become the OW vs the BS. I've even questioned if the 'competition' between women is created by the WS. I don't understand why so many OW are so anti the BS.

 

This site is one of the more gentle but I know members who don't come here anymore because of the lack of empathy...both BS's & ow. Let's not sugar coat things...it's the subject of this thread!

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted reference to other thread ~6

[Babsinhealing]

I don't want to get pedantic but there are many references to the crazy bs...just as bad as the OW bashing.

 

[]

 

Many believe the poor WS is frightened of the bs & her hysterical reaction on d-day is given as 'proof' why he's scared to leave or how 'crazy' she is.

 

I hate it when threads become the OW vs the BS. I've even questioned if the 'competition' between women is created by the WS. I don't understand why so many OW are so anti the BS.

 

This site is one of the more gentle but I know members who don't come here anymore because of the lack of empathy...both BS's & ow. Let's not sugar coat things...it's the subject of this thread!

I believe how the OW "responds" to the BS on DD is purely based on the individual affair dynamics. If the WS deceived the OW and made a lot of fake future promises and painted the BS as being evil, neglectful and bitter, you probably get a lot of anger from the OW towards the BS when she fights to keep him. I personally feel terrible for the pain I caused the BS and it will haunt me until my dying day- so not all OW are spiteful and vengeful.

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited quoted text ~6

[ShatteredLady]

I think that often we all hit each others nerves because OUR situation is so different than others.

 

For me... I'm just a girl who loved a boy all of my life so when I hear "the BS stays for the paycheck, the house, her position in society" etc it hits me. Of course it does.

 

I'm sure there are many things that BS's thoughtlessly say about OW too that just hurt, just damn hurt because it's LOVE. In so many situations for women it's just LOVE. Who cares about the square foot of the house!!

 

Rich or poor makes no difference. It hurts!! Tell me he's only here because of his retirement fund (forget a 25 year love affair) it HURTS!!

 

To be honest saying that a man only spent the last years saying & doing all those things because the OW had loose panty elastic offends me deeply too!!

 

I HATE it when women, tactfully or not, rip into eachother over some screwed-up guy. I wish we could STOP offending eachother. Sometimes I cry reading the OW forum & I'm sure, I KNOW, there are OW here who cry when they read the infidelity forum.

[Popsicle]

I see it all the time. A BS' entire character being judged based on their reaction to one of the worst things that can happen to someone.

If a bs shows any anger or wants to fight for their marriage they are crazy, abusive, manipulative, or worse. That is the way they always were and it couldn't possibly be due the actions to the gaslighting their spouse subjected them to. In fact i often see people blaming the bs for their ws' actions.

 

 

 

Interesting enough, the people who are the most guilty of the victim blaming, never hold APs or WS' to these same lofty standards. If an AP acts this way its because she has been manipulated and abused by the mm. None of it is her fault. Some people try to paint a dramatic love story between two people who love each other but can't be together because of a mean vindictive spouse. The bs is always supposed to silently slink away and let their ws ride off in to the sunset. They call for the bs to show the utmost amount of grace, but don't say anything about a ws' or APs total lack of grace during an affair.

 

Why is this mindset so common?

 

Ignore it. Don't worry about what other people think.

 

[]

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted suggestions related to forum use ~6

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have participated on several forums...

 

The most attacked people seem to be the WS...especially the WW.

Next I would say it is probably the ow.

 

I do see others hard on BS if they constantly complain and take no action....especially when they have been told the same things over and over again.

 

You come to a forum for advice and help....if you don't like the advice or help...ask the moderators to close your thread and move on....but don't keep asking the same questions over and over and take no action to improve your situation. This is the only time i see a BS attacked...when they clearly are not listening and are arguing with the advice they have been given.

 

It is true that we all stay in our relationships for different reasons...and each infidelity...while similar is different. We are all different people...and we all react differently to situations. So while we may share similarities...we all have our own spin.

 

SL...I don't know how it feels to have all of the illnesses you have been through....I don't know how it feels to live in a different country far away from my family.....I don't know how it feels to have a brother kill himself. You have by far one of the saddest heartbreaking stories i have ever heard. I despise your husband.....because i have grown to love you...and it makes me angry that he does not treasure you the way he should. I know you count me as a friend....and I am honored.

 

We gravitate toward some posters more than others....just like in real life. I respect everyone posting here...I don't always agree with everyone...but i hope I am never mean or disrespectful.

 

We all have bad days...and sometimes our emotions are raw and tender....but for the most part...I think most everyone is respectful.

 

If you encounter a post that is disrespectful...hit the alert button. I so respect the moderators here....they are very good to respond quickly and fairly.

[JohnAdams]

I do not notice BS being criticized for their reaction to DD. I think most BS have somewhat different reactions based on their personality. Most BS are in a total state of shock on DD. How long it takes them to get out of shock and to the next stage varies by person. I am not too sure most BS can even think clearly for 1-2 years. During the early times, a BS will go through many phases and revisit most of these phases over and over. It is a roller coaster.

 

I do think most BS have lost all sense of normalcy. So, the reaction can be completely unpredictable.

 

I think often on these types of forums, other posters are trying to "shake" the person back to a state of consciousness.

[bathtub-row]

It's probably because a lot of people mistakenly think that their spouse belongs to them, and when the spouse does something they shouldn't do, the BS decides it gives them license to behave as they please. And all other issues get swept under the rug because of the cheater's fatal choice. I'm speaking as a former BS so I know how it feels. I also know that we don't ever control what another person does. We cannot predict it either.

 

Fully trusting another human is like trusting a lion that you raised from a cub. The lion may be gentle and he may love you but, every now and then, those animal instincts are going to come out. That's a lion. As for humans, nothing is more unpredictable.

 

So I think it's all about possession and expectations; and how flawed those ideas are. When someone does wrong by us in this manner, we really shouldn't be all that surprised. It shouldn't cause us to go off the deep end and act as though it's the first time it ever happened in the history of mankind. Cheating happens every day, it's been happening since the beginning of time. But we never seem to stop being surprised by something that's so commonplace.

 

There's no question that cheating hurts the BS. But what a lot of people seem to ignore is that their spouse made a clear-headed choice to put his marriage in jeopardy and in complete crisis. I was also involved with a MM once and the main thought that went through my head more than once was if he cared that much about his marriage, he wouldn't be doing this.

 

The long and short of it is that people are not predictable nor trustworthy. We just gamble and hope not to lose. And when some people lose, they go insane. Then they shoot the dealer, the bartender and the club owner because they believe that all, in one way or another, were responsible for their loss.

Edited March 22, 2016 by bathtub-row

[anika99]

I can only surmise that the wandering spouses and their AP's villainies the betrayed spouse as a way of protecting their image of themselves. Nobody wants to feel like they are a bad person who has participated in hurting someone else. The way to hurt people and not feel bad about it is to dehumanize the people being hurt. When the BS sobs and falls apart the AP's don't see (because they won't let themselves see) a person damaged, heartbroken and in real pain, they see a person who is manipulative, controlling, mentally unstable, etc. If the BS is rightfully angry and goes on a tirade against the people who have wronged her/him then the APs tell themselves it is because the BS is mentally unstable, abusive, and blind to how their own flaws apparently forced the wandering spouse to cheat in the first place. And the greatest sin that a BS can commit is to remind the cheater that the kids are also being hurt by the actions of the cheater. How dare that betrayed spouse remind the cheater that he/she has kids and that their actions impact the whole family not just the BS. The BS who is heartbroken for the children and implores the cheater to please think of the kids too, gets accused of selfishly using the kids as pawns and blackmailing the cheater.

 

 

It is truly mind boggling the way the BS is set up to lose no matter what they do or don't do and the only explanation that I can think of for this is that if the AP ever allowed themselves to see the BS as a fellow human being in pain and deserving of some compassion they would then become burdened by guilt and shame.

[ShatteredLady]

I was mostly/also referring more to how the BS is talked about. Not so much how member BS's who open a thread are treated.

 

I get why on the Infidelity forum BS's are often given a bum kick (usually by other BS's) I've done that on occasion.

 

It's more how the 'theroretical' BS who's not here is thought of because it shows how BS's are honestly perceived by a lot of members here. You know? "On d-day she.....", "He's only staying after d-day because...."

 

I wasn't really comparing how hard a time BS, OW, OM, MM etc members got it here.

 

I think WS get it the worse.

[BurnedAndLost]

4

I do not notice BS being criticized for their reaction to DD. I think most BS have somewhat different reactions based on their personality. Most BS are in a total state of shock on DD. How long it takes them to get out of shock and to the next stage varies by person. I am not too sure most BS can even think clearly for 1-2 years. During the early times, a BS will go through many phases and revisit most of these phases over and over. It is a roller coaster.

 

I do think most BS have lost all sense of normalcy. So, the reaction can be completely unpredictable.

 

I think often on these types of forums, other posters are trying to "shake" the person back to a state of consciousness.

 

I'm not really talking about the bs who post here. I'm talking about spouses of the married people whom the posters on this forum are engaged in an affair with.

 

Do people trash talk to bs posters here? Not as often. But with the way many people on there talk, it would be safe to assume they feel this way about most bses.

 

I think most people understand what I was getting at. []

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted discussion of other threads ~6

[LivingWaterPlease]

I see it all the time. A BS' entire character being judged based on their reaction to one of the worst things that can happen to someone.

If a bs shows any anger or wants to fight for their marriage they are crazy, abusive, manipulative, or worse. That is the way they always were and it couldn't possibly be due the actions to the gaslighting their spouse subjected them to. In fact i often see people blaming the bs for their ws' actions.

 

Interesting enough, the people who are the most guilty of the victim blaming, never hold APs or WS' to these same lofty standards. If an AP acts this way its because she has been manipulated and abused by the mm. None of it is her fault. Some people try to paint a dramatic love story between two people who love each other but can't be together because of a mean vindictive spouse. The bs is always supposed to silently slink away and let their ws ride off in to the sunset. They call for the bs to show the utmost amount of grace, but don't say anything about a ws' or APs total lack of grace during an affair.

 

Why is this mindset so common?

 

BurnedAndLost, I once was a BS and later a betrayed fiancee. Both times I was devastated and mourned deeply. I wasn't criticized for my behavior or reaction either time.

 

Had I lashed out in personal attack or been abusive, physically or verbally, toward my WH, his OW; my WF (wayward fiance) or his OW, it wouldn't have surprised me to have been thought "abusive, manipulative, crazy, or worse" as you described.

 

The difference in how a person is categorized when reacting to being betrayed and dealing with it depends on the manner in which the betrayed expresses him or herself.

 

I've never met anyone who expects a betrayed person not to be angry. But, I know plenty of people who expect a betrayed person to deal with their anger in appropriate ways because that's the culture they were reared in.

 

I was reared to believe there are ways of behaving that are inappropriate, for instance, lashing out at others in personal attack, whether verbal or physical.

 

That doesn't mean I was reared to keep my pain inside or disregard my anger. It doesn't mean I was expected to express myself without emotion or intensity. It just means that I was raised to believe there are ways of expressing great anger, pain, or disappointment that are both emotional and appropriate.

 

I do believe the culture one's accustomed to has a lot to do with misunderstandings about expectations of behavior. It seems to me from reading and participating on LS there are a lot of different cultures that are represented on a forum like this so we all may have different expectations of what constitutes crass behavior and/or gracious behavior (inappropriate or appropriate) in the face of adversity and/or betrayal.

 

I noticed in your post you used the terms "all the time," "always," and "never" and other similar expressions to describe treatment of BS's. I haven't noticed on LS, where posters always and never behave the same way. To me, it seems you've exaggerated somewhat.

[Miss Clavel]

frankly, i forgot the question. i guess because it seems inane and quaranteed.

 

everyone in my family has pain to some degree. and those with the most made sure those with the least got more. a heaping, if you will.

 

 

i don't come in here often because frankly, this section makes me mad. predictability and stupidity makes me mad.

 

 

 

after Dday,i did consider my"position", what of it? why is anything a BS is doing after Dday the AP's business? who tells them that the BS is screaming, crying, packing or sitting in the ER? the dirty dog, that's who.

 

i considered my "position" before i decided to divorce, you better believe it. just like i considered my "position" before i got married.

 

anyone that tells you they don't is either lying, or again, stupid.

 

if i told you i didn't set out to get "even" with the cheating thieving murderers in my life, i'd be lying. first her, until i realized, she doesn't matter, at all, then him.

 

surprise, hahah

[sandylee1]

I do agree with the OP here.

 

The BS is meant to keep their hurt in check and act with grace and class despite just discovering the most horrific betrayal. Sometimes I just shake my head in disbelief when I read those posts..I really do.

 

Some APs continue to demonise the BS even after the marriage is over... every opportunity is used to say how awful of a person they were and how manipulative they were... and that they were acting like a crazy banshee on dday. I'm not going to name and shame..but it happens and those who do it know who they are.

 

The BS is meant to have finesse, be the bigger person, and all the rest of it .... had these same attributes been demonstrated by the APs... We wouldn't even be having this discussion.

[anika99]

I was reared to believe there are ways of behaving that are inappropriate, for instance, lashing out at others in personal attack, whether verbal or physical.

 

That doesn't mean I was reared to keep my pain inside or disregard my anger. It doesn't mean I was expected to express myself without emotion or intensity. It just means that I was raised to believe there are ways of expressing great anger, pain, or disappointment that are both emotional and appropriate.

 

 

It's not that I think the BS has a license to behave badly. I think when a bs goes off the rails and starts attacking other people that they are probably only hurting themselves more in the process. However there is something off about a WS or an AP judging a BS for how they respond to the pain inflicted by those very people.

 

Yes I too was raised to believe that there are ways of behaving that are inappropriate, for example lying, gas lighting, deceiving and having affairs is a very inappropriate way to behave. So to me a BS lashing out verbally is no more inappropriate then the people in the affair and the AP who judges the behaviour of the BS is really just the pot calling the kettle black.

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
attributed quoted text to appropriate post ~6

[Cymbeline]

I read a post by another poster some time ago, who asked why it was that the AP and WS were allowed to be overwhelmed by living emotions andtherefore was unable to control those emotions and leave the affair and that was deemed acceptable.

 

Yet when the BS became similarly overwhelmed by the emotion of pain and hurt, s/he is expected to be able to control his/her emotions and behave with some decorum. Why the double standard?

 

It is something I had said to my WH early on: 'You are holding me to higher standards of behaviour and responses than either you or the OW. Why?'

 

He agreed that he was but didn't explain why.

[LivingWaterPlease]

It's not that I think the BS has a license to behave badly. I think when a bs goes off the rails and starts attacking other people that they are probably only hurting themselves more in the process. However there is something off about a WS or an AP judging a BS for how they respond to the pain inflicted by those very people.

 

Yes I too was raised to believe that there are ways of behaving that are inappropriate, for example lying, gas lighting, deceiving and having affairs is a very inappropriate way to behave. So to me a BS lashing out verbally is no more inappropriate then the people in the affair and the AP who judges the behaviour of the BS is really just the pot calling the kettle black.

 

 

I agree with you that gas lighting, deceiving, and having affairs is inappropriate behavior. But, I don't believe that when someone treats you that way, it's cause to stoop to his/her level of behavior by verbal or physical abuse.

 

I don't base my behavior on what was done to me. I base it on who I am as a person.

 

Here's what I believe and taught my children as they grew up, "A person doesn't treat you the way they treat you because of who you are or what you've done. They treat you the way they treat you because of who they are." This goes for bad treatment and good treatment both. For instance when someone treats you with great respect it doesn't necessarily mean you deserve it or that they think you're Mr. Wonderful or Ms. Wonderful. What it means is, that's who the person is, someone who treats others with respect. Here we call it being a first-class person.

 

A gentleman is a gentleman, not because a particular woman deserves it, but because that's who he is. Likewise, a lady is always a lady, no matter what is done to her.

 

So, yes, there are people who've done some inappropriate things to me, even criminal things. I've had to take action to have a person jailed for their inappropriate behavior toward me. But, in the process I never thought it OK to behave inappropriately in return. I was polite to the person the entire time, even as I acted swiftly and firmly to have the person put behind bars. I was courteous about it the entire time !

 

For me, as a BS, I kept my responses and pain away from the public and the OWs (two instances, each with a different man) because that's what I believe is dignified behavior. I realize different cultures see this in different ways, though, and I do think that (cultural differences) causes misunderstandings on LS sometimes.

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6

[Toodaloo]

I am probably one of the harsh ones.

 

Why?

 

Because these situations hurt everyone badly.

 

Unless you get the kick up the backside to get yourself out it just gets worse not better.

 

Everyone involved, including those who have been "wronged" against really need to take responsibility.

 

Its all very good and well letting rip and going for it but how many of us actually feel better or dignified after we behave like that? None of us.

 

We owe it to ourselves to treat ourselves with dignity and respect.

 

Its not that I do not empathise. Its that I know it gets worse if you do not act.

[GollumsNightmare]

Look at any post that uses the word "wifey" and I think you will see a lot of derision for the BS.

 

[]

 

I have sadly been an OW and a BS. I am not judging anyone else but the pain felt -in MY humble opinion and situation only- as a BS was a million times worse than the pain I felt as an OW when the A ended. I had a choice when I was an OW. I was a participant. I KNEW my actions affected others yet I selfishly chose to believe the drivel the MM spouted about his BS. For that I will forever feel guilty and ashamed.

 

I had no choice or say in what was going on behind my back as a BS. I went into shock when I walked in on my H and the OW. I lost my mind for awhile. I lost my body (to anorexic levels), I nearly died from the stress on my body (I have the Intensive Care bills to prove it). It would take all day to tell you everything I lost in that moment and the months after. I am pretty proud of how I reacted to the OW, but grief has a way of spilling out that is not always appropriate.

 

When I find people talking BS about the BS and the children of WS and BS, it disgusts me and tells me more about the character of the poster than anything.

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted inappropriate discussion of other thread ~6

[gettingstronger]

What I see often is:

 

she is MAKING him stay

she is guarding his phone

she is using the kids against him

she has him on lock down

she made him call me and say XYZ

she doesn't love him but she is staying anyway because....

 

I think the spouse has been painted as the bad guy or controlling to the AP during the A so it seems logical to the OW that is what is happening- even when its not true-

[LivingWaterPlease]

Look at any post that uses the word "wifey" and I think you will see a lot of derision for the BS.

 

[]

 

I have sadly been an OW and a BS. I am not judging anyone else but the pain felt -in MY humble opinion and situation only- as a BS was a million times worse than the pain I felt as an OW when the A ended. I had a choice when I was an OW. I was a participant. I KNEW my actions affected others yet I selfishly chose to believe the drivel the MM spouted about his BS. For that I will forever feel guilty and ashamed.

 

I had no choice or say in what was going on behind my back as a BS. I went into shock when I walked in on my H and the OW. I lost my mind for awhile. I lost my body (to anorexic levels), I nearly died from the stress on my body (I have the Intensive Care bills to prove it). It would take all day to tell you everything I lost in that moment and the months after. I am pretty proud of how I reacted to the OW, but grief has a way of spilling out that is not always appropriate.

 

When I find people talking BS about the BS and the children of WS and BS, it disgusts me and tells me more about the character of the poster than anything.

 

I'm so sorry to read of your pain, GollumsNightmare, and the horrible experience you had walking in on your H and OW. That's nothing less than tragic, imo, and would have made just about anyone lose his/her mind, as you did. No one should have to witness that and it would have been more than I could bear to have seen my WH with OW, I believe. I can understand why you'd trigger over things you read on LS and I pray for your complete healing from that awful experience.

 

I can totally understand why the pain you felt as a BS was a million times greater than the pain of your A ending after what you have suffered. To me, that's a no brainer.

 

After reading your post I've tried to consider whether I've gotten past my own hurt, from being a BS, both times. I can honestly say that I mostly have. Especially with the wayward fiance.

 

Oh, about the term "wifey," I have seen it on LS but, to me, the usage of it makes the poster appear jealous and/or insecure, so rather than be insulted by it, I might feel a little smug, if I was still the wifey that is!!! Since I'm not I don't feel smug when I read it, and also haven't ever triggered (that I can recall) while reading LS.

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote ~6