Looks like I'm being ghosted, no idea why...

[xyz1234]

Hey guys,

 

So I've known this girl 4 months now and we've been on 2 great dates (yes only 2, long story). We have great conversation and tons in common, and both dates ended with us making out in my car, and after the second she invited me back to her place (explicitly for sex). I agreed to go back to her place but told her that I really needed to be somewhere in the morning and asked if she would be ok with it if I head home after so I can be ready to go in the morning, and she said that's fine. Here's where things get weird...

 

We make the half hour drive to her place in our own cars. We walk in, I go to the bathroom, and when I come out she has Netflix on and is eating leftovers on the couch. I sit down and she offers me a bite and a beer. I decline the beer and say that I'm all set since I'm going to be driving. Once she's done eating she asks if I want to lay down, so we lay down on the couch watching Netflix and she passes out IMMEDIATELY. I laid there wondering what to do for a while since I had planned on going home, but shaking her gently wasn't waking her up and I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye, so I stayed. I tried to sleep but that didn't go well since I was uncomfortable. She ended up sleeping for like 4 hours until 6 am!

 

Then she finally got up and groggily made her way to her bedroom. She saw me grab my phone and asks "are you seriously going home right now?" in a kind of upset tone. I said no, thinking I might as well stay since I was exhausted and not up for driving. So we went to bed but nothing physical was about to happen with both of us totally exhausted. I slept separated from her since I usually sleep better that way and I needed sleep BADLY.

 

We woke up in the morning and I had to make the walk (drive) of shame and get to my friends house to help him with something. So she walked me to my car and we kissed goodbye, and I felt like the vibe was off but I chalked it up to her being a little hungover (she told me she wasn't feeling great).

 

So over the next couple weeks we texted here and there, and I asked her out twice. The first time she said she was free Saturday night, but then when I followed up a couple days later to finalize plans she apologized and said she totally forgot she has a wedding shower that night (seemed plausible since she said her friend is weird for having her wedding shower at night, so that would be a weird cop-out story to make up). I asked her out again the following Friday and she said she could do something after work on Wednesday. I said that works for me and she asked what time I'd be available, and I told her. No response. On Monday I ask if that time works for her, and still no response. A few days later I ask if she still wants to hang out again or not. No response.

 

I waited a week and texted her saying it's pretty clear she's ghosting and all I could think of is that she was somehow upset that Netflix and chill turned into Netflix and sleep. I told her that disappearing seems kind of unnecessary since we had already talked about the fact that we'd want to be friends even if we don't date (*I know everyone says this but we were already friends for part of the 4 months that we knew one another). I asked her to let me know if she has a decent explanation or something, otherwise thanks for the beers (she paid on the last date) and good luck with everything. No response, of course.

 

Anyway, I'm pretty much over dating her, but I would want to hear from her again and be friendly. I just don't get it. The only thing I can think of now is that maybe she was upset that I intended go home that night and she felt I stayed over reluctantly? That's all I can think of that could explain her shift in attitude.

 

Being ghosted on suuucks...

[jen1447]

Swing and a miss on the sex invite - whatever the circumstances - left her cold is my guess. Don't feel too bad about it, if she's the sort to treat you like that on the way out you're not missing much.

[xyz1234]

Swing and a miss on the sex invite - whatever the circumstances - left her cold is my guess. Don't feel too bad about it, if she's the sort to treat you like that on the way out you're not missing much.

 

Yeah, it's just really frustrating because there really wasn't anything I could do. She passed out SO quickly.

 

I think this just may be something I don't understand about women in general. Maybe I'm generalizing but I don't feel like most guys would cut off contact with a girl they're interested in just because a "sex invite" went the way this one did, when it was their own fault. I mean, on our dates this girl compliments me so much it's a little awkward and both times that we made out in my car she was VERY aggressive. Then to take me home and fall asleep like that and after a couple weeks decide she never wants to speak to me... I just don't get it. If it was just sex she was after she didn't even get that, and stopped pursuing it for no apparent reason.

 

What sucks is that I legitimately really liked her personality and would have wanted to be friends regardless. I just really enjoyed talking to her. What's kind of funny is I always thought I was a bit superficial and needed to be very physically attracted to a girl in order to be into her, but I found this girl less physically attractive than the last girl I dated but was wayyy more interested in this one...

[smudge21]

You liked her much deeper when all she possibly wanted was something physical. Either that or she's one of those that basis any future relationship prospects on whether the guy takes charge and takes her bed on the first date. Sadly that happens a lot and people get used to that being how it is. You didn't do that (no problem with that) so she felt you were interested or it made her feel insecure... who knows really. You can only second guess her reasons without speaking to her. I read elsewhere too that there's a time limit when it comes to initial dating where a guy has to make his move, once that window has closed, it can close off the relationship. I don't buy into that thinking, but there's plenty about around the interwebs. Either way, the ghosting is off and I would return the favour now.

[jen1447]

Yeah, it's just really frustrating because there really wasn't anything I could do. She passed out SO quickly.

 

I think this just may be something I don't understand about women in general. Maybe I'm generalizing but I don't feel like most guys would cut off contact with a girl they're interested in just because a "sex invite" went the way this one did, when it was their own fault. I mean, on our dates this girl compliments me so much it's a little awkward and both times that we made out in my car she was VERY aggressive. Then to take me home and fall asleep like that and after a couple weeks decide she never wants to speak to me... I just don't get it. If it was just sex she was after she didn't even get that, and stopped pursuing it for no apparent reason.

 

What sucks is that I legitimately really liked her personality and would have wanted to be friends regardless. I just really enjoyed talking to her. What's kind of funny is I always thought I was a bit superficial and needed to be very physically attracted to a girl in order to be into her, but I found this girl less physically attractive than the last girl I dated but was wayyy more interested in this one...

 

Women sometimes have an insecurity thing going where if a guy doesn't show enough sexual interest - and hard - they feel threatened by the prospect that it's bc they themselves aren't hot enough. Then they project that onto the guy as 'lameness' and suddenly the fire's gone.

 

So my guess is it went sideways when you said you had to get up early when she invited you in. That wasn't as 'ribald' a response as she wanted when she dangled the carrot so she cooled off and got sleepy and that was it. Then after you just became the guy who cooled her off.

 

Your friendship and the interaction you shared should have spared you the no-consideration blow off tho. That says a lot about her and nothing about you - deep down there was no deep down, she was shallow.

 

Move on!

[bluefeather]

I agreed to go back to her place but told her that I really needed to be somewhere in the morning and asked if she would be ok with it if I head home after so I can be ready to go in the morning...

 

Maybe that statement hurt the mood, maybe not, but a lot of thinking can happen in a half-hour drive in separate cars.

[xyz1234]

Maybe that statement hurt the mood, maybe not, but a lot of thinking can happen in a half-hour drive in separate cars.

 

I know, exactly...

[xyz1234]

You liked her much deeper when all she possibly wanted was something physical. Either that or she's one of those that basis any future relationship prospects on whether the guy takes charge and takes her bed on the first date. Sadly that happens a lot and people get used to that being how it is. You didn't do that (no problem with that) so she felt you were interested or it made her feel insecure... who knows really. You can only second guess her reasons without speaking to her. I read elsewhere too that there's a time limit when it comes to initial dating where a guy has to make his move, once that window has closed, it can close off the relationship. I don't buy into that thinking, but there's plenty about around the interwebs. Either way, the ghosting is off and I would return the favour now.

 

I'm not really the "take charge" type when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time. I need to see some signs from the person that they are ready and willing before I make that move. I kind of feel like that's the right thing to do because a lot of girls don't want a guy going straight for sex (right?).

 

What's weird is she was giving very strong signs up until we got to her place, and then it turned into more a of "eat some leftovers and pass out watching Netflix" sort of mood...

[xyz1234]

Women sometimes have an insecurity thing going where if a guy doesn't show enough sexual interest - and hard - they feel threatened by the prospect that it's bc they themselves aren't hot enough. Then they project that onto the guy as 'lameness' and suddenly the fire's gone.

 

So my guess is it went sideways when you said you had to get up early when she invited you in. That wasn't as 'ribald' a response as she wanted when she dangled the carrot so she cooled off and got sleepy and that was it. Then after you just became the guy who cooled her off.

 

Your friendship and the interaction you shared should have spared you the no-consideration blow off tho. That says a lot about her and nothing about you - deep down there was no deep down, she was shallow.

 

Move on!

 

Ugh, I could totally see that being the case, that things went sideways when I said I wanted to sleep at my place. The thing that makes me sick is that I shouldn't have even had to get up early that day in the first place. It was something I was supposed to do weeks before that got postponed when I very much didn't want to postpone it.

 

What also sucks is that I knew how it could possibly make her feel that way, which is why I asked if she would be ok with it. And the fact that all I can do is speculate over it now...

 

Now I'm wondering if I should send one last text. In the last one I sent I basically acted totally unaware of anything I had done to cause her feelings to change and mostly put blame on her for falling asleep. But now I'm really thinking that it's because I said I wanted to go home that night. It makes sense when I think about how even at 6am after being passed out on the couch for hours and pretty clearly not going home, she said "you're not seriously going home are you?"

 

This just really sucks because I feel like with every girl I date that I really like I always make one stupid mistake to mess everything up.

[bluefeather]

Now I'm wondering if I should send one last text. In the last one I sent I basically acted totally unaware of anything I had done to cause her feelings to change and mostly put blame on her for falling asleep. But now I'm really thinking that it's because I said I wanted to go home that night. It makes sense when I think about how even at 6am after being passed out on the couch for hours and pretty clearly not going home, she said "you're not seriously going home are you?"

 

I wouldn't do it. If it's even possible that you made a "mistake," I wouldn't count that as a really big one. Did you do something that changed her mind about sex that night? it's possible.. but did you do something that was cause to be completely ignored? Respect yourself. Raise your standards.

[jen1447]

No point in texting to take blame now - it'll just make you look weak which will just make her lose more respect and feel more justified in ditching you.

[smudge21]

I'm not really the "take charge" type when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time. I need to see some signs from the person that they are ready and willing before I make that move. I kind of feel like that's the right thing to do because a lot of girls don't want a guy going straight for sex (right?).

 

What's weird is she was giving very strong signs up until we got to her place, and then it turned into more a of "eat some leftovers and pass out watching Netflix" sort of mood...

 

 

I know that feeling, plus sometimes you feel that if you charge in there, even if they are giving all the signals, then they'll see you as a ONS type when in reality you may be looking for more. I also never like the idea of getting into bed with a new girl when there's been alcohol involved. Sadly there's plenty of stories of how regret can quickly turn to blame so I like to know for a fact we're on the same page rather than the alcohol doing the talking. Basically it's a minefield - you can only do what is right for you at the time. I've done the same many times and have regretted it, but at that moment, for whatever reason, I just decided against it.

[Toodaloo]

xyz

 

Sorry mate but reading that I think you are better off with out...

 

Don't worry about it and move on.

[Miss Peach]

Some people (both men and women do this) will take the strangest things and use it as a reason not to see someone again. Sometimes the reasons can be as small as what they order to drink. I think you dodged a bullet if this is what was happening this early on and you wanted a relationship.

 

I know it sucks but I agree with Jen. If you keep contacting her after she's ignored a few texts then it's just going to come off as creepy.

[xyz1234]

I wouldn't do it. If it's even possible that you made a "mistake," I wouldn't count that as a really big one. Did you do something that changed her mind about sex that night? it's possible.. but did you do something that was cause to be completely ignored? Respect yourself. Raise your standards.

 

Yeah, that's true, nothing that I did or didn't do should have caused her to completely ignore me. I just wish I knew why, ya know?

 

She has been through a lot this past year (lost her sister, ended her 9 year relationship, thought about getting back together with him only to find he was in a new relationship...) so I'd totally understand if she was "just going through some stuff" or even if she decided to date someone else. But damn, I didn't deserve this...

[xyz1234]

I know that feeling, plus sometimes you feel that if you charge in there, even if they are giving all the signals, then they'll see you as a ONS type when in reality you may be looking for more. I also never like the idea of getting into bed with a new girl when there's been alcohol involved. Sadly there's plenty of stories of how regret can quickly turn to blame so I like to know for a fact we're on the same page rather than the alcohol doing the talking. Basically it's a minefield - you can only do what is right for you at the time. I've done the same many times and have regretted it, but at that moment, for whatever reason, I just decided against it.

 

Exactly, it's like I can never win. I've even had girls who seemed to want something serious and to take things slowly as far as sex break things off after a night where I felt like the time had come, but then for whatever reason I wasn't feeling like I was getting the right signals/vibe to take it there.

 

And you put it well, I feel like if I push too quickly "regret can quickly turn to blame." I don't want to feel like a girl isn't enthusiastic about it, so if she doesn't seem as enthusiastic as I am I'll stop at second base or whatever. And I'm fine with that and not going to get frustrated like some guys, and I have the stupid hope that they'll see the good in that... And then in all likelihood get dumped...

[xyz1234]

xyz

 

Sorry mate but reading that I think you are better off with out...

 

Don't worry about it and move on.

 

Thanks, I am moving on but I'm still not feeling 100% back to normal I guess. I'm at the stage where I could definitely meet up with 3 new girls I've met online (one is planned for Friday actually), but I'm a little reluctant. Sometimes you only feel like getting kicked in the nuts so many times in a month, haha.

 

I guess the thing that really has me the most bummed is that I really thought that at minimum we would be friends. I mean, I initiated that last date saying that we can go out and have a good time and not worry if it's as friends or more than that (since she was still technically seeing the other guy). If that night had ended with a hand-shake and with us still friendly, instead going back to her place, I'd be much happier about it.

[xyz1234]

So right now I'm thinking I either won't send another text, or I'll eventually send one just saying something like:

 

"Hey, just wanted to apologize for calling you a d*ck, haha. I was feeling a little hurt at the time because I like you. I can totally relate with not wanting to disappoint someone. If that was your worry it's cool, and we don't have to date if you realized you're not into it, but I'd really like to stay friends or at least friendly if that works for you."

 

I know it's stupid but even just getting a message back with her saying we can be friends, and then not really being friends (or even a message saying "sorry, not interested") would make me feel a lot better. I guess I just hate having things like this left unresolved.

[jen1447]

^ Closure mania. Despite what a lot of ppl will tell you, it's perfectly normal and perfectly legit to want. When things happen, given that we have human brains capable of complex processes and associations, we generally want to know why.

 

The problem is here that she's not offering any, so no amount of wanting it will change anything. It's the usual sucky cycle of breakups, sorry.

 

Don't text. You'll thank us for that advice a year from now.

[bluefeather]

So right now I'm thinking I either won't send another text, or I'll eventually send one just saying something like:

 

"Hey, just wanted to apologize for calling you a d*ck, haha. I was feeling a little hurt at the time because I like you. I can totally relate with not wanting to disappoint someone. If that was your worry it's cool, and we don't have to date if you realized you're not into it, but I'd really like to stay friends or at least friendly if that works for you."

 

I know it's stupid but even just getting a message back with her saying we can be friends, and then not really being friends (or even a message saying "sorry, not interested") would make me feel a lot better. I guess I just hate having things like this left unresolved.

 

kind of feel like you're going to do it anyway, but yeah this is going to make you look bad.

 

p.s. you called her a dick? umm.. I must have missed that part.

[ASG]

 

What also sucks is that I knew how it could possibly make her feel that way, which is why I asked if she would be ok with it. And the fact that all I can do is speculate over it now...

 

.

 

 

Well... let's be real here... what was she supposed to say? Of course she was gonna say it was ok, even if it wasn't. No one wants to feel like they're needy or clingy or a drama queen. So you smile and nod, while silently cursing you under their breath.

[xyz1234]

^ Closure mania. Despite what a lot of ppl will tell you, it's perfectly normal and perfectly legit to want. When things happen, given that we have human brains capable of complex processes and associations, we generally want to know why.

 

The problem is here that she's not offering any, so no amount of wanting it will change anything. It's the usual sucky cycle of breakups, sorry.

 

Don't text. You'll thank us for that advice a year from now.

 

Thanks for validating the way I'm feeling.

 

As far as texting one last time though, I'm not sure how I'll feel better about that a year from now than if I don't. I mean, if she doesn't respond I won't think "man, things would have been so much better if I didn't send that text!" And if she does respond, then I will have gotten what I wanted.

 

kind of feel like you're going to do it anyway, but yeah this is going to make you look bad.

 

p.s. you called her a dick? umm.. I must have missed that part.

 

I don't really see how it makes me look bad though. It's not like I'm saying "please keep dating me!"... Which actually... is what she told me the other guy she was dating had said when she started to have "the talk" with him, haha. This would just be me apologizing for having stooped (slightly) toward her level in the last text and trying to salvage a friendship. I don't think it exactly makes me Hitler.

 

Eh I didn't call her a dick exactly, I basically said that ghosting is "kind of dick move," haha. Which it totally is but I guess I could have been more tactful.

 

Well... let's be real here... what was she supposed to say? Of course she was gonna say it was ok, even if it wasn't. No one wants to feel like they're needy or clingy or a drama queen. So you smile and nod, while silently cursing you under their breath.

 

Well here's the thing, she was in my car begging me to come over. I was like "uhhh I totally would but I have to be somewhere in the morning..." She kept trying to talk me into it and seduce me basically and I ended up saying "alright, would you be ok with it if I come over for a little while and then head home so I can sleep in my bed and be ready to do what I need to do in the morning?"

 

At the time she seemed excited that I agreed to come over at all. And truthfully, should a girl who is trying to get you to come over for sex on a second date (and telling you things like that she's going to give you the best BJ of your life) be that upset that you're busy in the morning and don't want to stay over?

[Emilia]

Yes of course she would be upset. I've never had a guy not stay the night and I had sex on first dates. The two are not related. I expect him to tolerate my company enough to want to have a cup of tea with me in the morning regardless whether we are serious. I'd like to think I wouldn't beg (that was a big mistake on her part) but I'd expect the man to enjoy my company enough to want to stay.

 

It seems to me she wasn't in the right place emotionally, I think she changed her mind about you. I think you've done enough to try to convince her otherwise.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you're obsessing too much about what went wrong with that one night, when there's got to be a lot of other factors at play here.

 

One that jumps out at me: the fact that you only had two dates over the course of four months. You said long story, and we don't need it, but I have to assume that poor communication and logistical/scheduling challenges were involved, which can make do a magical job of making a new relationship feel like a chore - when it should feel exciting. And those exact same factors set you off course after the Netflix night.

 

With the latest setbacks, it seems like she made some mistakes of her own in failing to find time in her schedule for you, so you can't keep blaming yourself for pushing this relationship "off track."

 

Don't send that text. It actually made me cringe to read it. If you've already reached the point where you've expressed anger over the ghosting, and she didn't respond, that's a lost cause.

 

Yes, it's a sh*tty way for her to deal with things, it's immature and inconsiderate. But that should just be further evidence that she's not the best match for you.

[katiegrl]

I'm not really the "take charge" type when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time. I need to see some signs from the person that they are ready and willing before I make that move. I kind of feel like that's the right thing to do because a lot of girls don't want a guy going straight for sex (right?).

 

What's weird is she was giving very strong signs up until we got to her place, and then it turned into more a of "eat some leftovers and pass out watching Netflix" sort of mood...

 

You keep referring her HER falling asleep but what about this (below)?

 

 

Then she finally got up and groggily made her way to her bedroom. She saw me grab my phone and asks "are you seriously going home right now?" in a kind of upset tone. I said no, thinking I might as well stay since I was exhausted and not up for driving. So we went to bed but nothing physical was about to happen with both of us totally exhausted. I slept separated from her since I usually sleep better that way and I needed sleep BADLY.

 

 

So no this was NOT all about her falling asleep.

 

She woke up, headed for the bedroom and was probably hoping (and expecting) to have sex with you!

 

But you were tired and fell asleep....because you needed your sleep? WTF.

 

And now you wonder why she's ghosting (lost interest)?

 

Dude, you rejected her....hell you couldn't even cuddle with her while falling asleep... you had to sleep separated?

 

Another WTF.

 

Anyway I am sure she feels totally rejected... and that is why she is ghosting now.

 

Are you actually even into this chick?

 

Never heard of a guy who was super into a chick and just started dating her.... turning down the opportunity for sex because he was tired and just had to get his sleep.

 

Gotta say, THAT is a first!

Edited March 23, 2016 by katiegrl