p.u. Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Usually I discuss this kind of things with friends but I don't like sharing concerns about a new potential partner with people I know, who met her or will soon meet her. She's 27 years old, she's really hot and we enjoy each other's company. She's a great cook, she's smart, she has sense of humor, she's a dedicated worker, she just really impressed me. I have been married once and she is the kind of woman who would push many to give it another try. She moved in town last year with her mother from a foreign country and started running a restaurant, again, with her mother. She goes on holiday with her mother. She goes shopping with her mother. Cinema with her mother, spa with her mother. She spends most of her time with her mother. It does not bother me, some would say I should thank God this girl is such a "good" girl. But it does worry me a little bit that she did not befriend other women nor she has friends in her country - I assumed it when she said she found herself lonely after she broke up with her ex as all her friends were first his friends so they supposedly stopped being her friends. She's also very close to an older cousin who often comes to visit her, but that's all the social contact she entertains. So, she spends all of her spare time with her family. Her parents are not together, sometimes she pays a visit to her father and that's it. Obviously men chase her, but she seems serious. Still I am afraid all this perfection may be threatened by a red flag like this. Isn't it odd that a beautiful, young and financially stable woman loves being alone or just with her relatives? I mean she could have all the social life she wants, she's nice, cool, and she prefers being with her mother?
GunslingerRoland Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I don't see why it's a red flag... if you enjoy being with her who cares if she has a lot of friends or not? 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 You mentioned she is from a foreign country, so some of this could be due to cultural norms. In many countries, children (even as adults) grow up being expected to be at their parents' disposal. Her mom might be finding it hard to be on her own in a different country too, and perhaps relies solely on her daughter for companionship. Is there a language barrier? If this girl is fluent in English but her mom isn't, she is very likely acting as interpreter too. However, she may simply choose to hang out with her mom a lot. I don't necessarily see that as red flag, but would wonder what would happen if her mom weren't always available. Would she start cultivating other friendships, or would she keep to herself? Some people are naturally introverted and happy with their own company too. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something strange about them. 3
TunaCat Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I have no close friends. Actually I have no friends at all thanks to being dumped by friends about 3 years ago. I have a close family and I do EVERYTHING with them. I go to dinner or to movies with my mom at least a few times a month. I am also an introvert and I don't think that's a bad thing at all. If you like this girl, it shouldn't matter if she's got no friends and is close with her family. 3
SwordofFlame Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I don't see why it's a red flag... if you enjoy being with her who cares if she has a lot of friends or not? Perhaps for the same reasons why a lot of women won't date a guy that has no social circle? I've never quite understood that myself. Perhaps someone else here can chime in on that...
Lorenza Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 She's like me. I got a lot of clients and students, but almost no close friends. Just like your potential girlfriend, I spent most of my time with family - hang out with dad, two cousins, boyfriend and his family, visit my mom and grandparents and only soooometimes go out with a friend or two. I've got killer social skills and could have lots of friends. But chose not to. Now the question is why.... Some people have high energy and some have low. Those with low levels of energy run out of it pretty quickly after being among people and need time to recover, either by being on their own or spending time with people who don't demand constant interaction or feel so comfortable that hanging out with them doesn't take much energy. I'm like that. I can be bubbly and friendly for some hours, but then I almost feel anxious cause I need to get away from them and be on my own soooo badly. Also, people have a lot of things on their minds and they are... interesting to themselves - creative ideas, hobbies, thoughts. It's awesome to be on your own. I read books, play the piano, draw, discover new music and feel absolutely no need to get out of my little world. Maybe that girl is similar. She's a low energy person or has a lot fun things to do on her own. Or both. Or she's an introvert. It is only a red flag if you personally don't want a girlfriend like that. 1
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Perhaps for the same reasons why a lot of women won't date a guy that has no social circle? I've never quite understood that myself. Perhaps someone else here can chime in on that... People like the back up of other people to show them that their choice is the right one. A guy or girl with no friends is an unknown quantity, or there is a reason he/she has no friends, ie they are assumed defective in some way. A bit like when you go onto Amazon to buy a toaster, you end up with the one that everyone else bought and liked. YOU do not want to go out on a limb and buy the one with no or few likes. Similarly, people do not usually want to go out on a limb and date the guy/girl that no-one else seems to like. Also it is fun to socialise with a lot of friends, parties, bbqs, nights out, days out etc. Dating someone with no friends can end up being a bit of an intense experience, even claustrophobic and some do not like that.
SunnyWeather Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Still I am afraid all this perfection may be threatened by a red flag like this. what happens when you realize she has bodily functions too? I think you should run now, she's not perfect enough for you .
Lorenza Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 People like the back up of other people to show them that their choice is the right one. A guy or girl with no friends is an unknown quantity, or there is a reason he/she has no friends, ie they are assumed defective in some way. A bit like when you go onto Amazon to buy a toaster, you end up with the one that everyone else bought and liked. YOU do not want to go out on a limb and buy the one with no or few likes. Similarly, people do not usually want to go out on a limb and date the guy/girl that no-one else seems to like. Also it is fun to socialise with a lot of friends, parties, bbqs, nights out, days out etc. Dating someone with no friends can end up being a bit of an intense experience, even claustrophobic and some do not like that. Let people decide on their own, what's fun for them. There is no universal definition of fun. For someone with lower personal energy parties and nights out can be a nightmare rather then fun. That is a very irrational fear. Introverts will likely get tired from their partners just as they get tired of other people and need to have alone time for their own activities instead of constantly wanting to be with them. And again, being a loner might just as well be their own choice and not a result of social exclusion. 7
elaine567 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Let people decide on their own, what's fun for them. There is no universal definition of fun. For someone with lower personal energy parties and nights out can be a nightmare rather then fun. That is a very irrational fear. Introverts will likely get tired from their partners just as they get tired of other people and need to have alone time for their own activities instead of constantly wanting to be with them. And again, being a loner might just as well be their own choice and not a result of social exclusion. I agree, but I was just answering SwordofFlame's question as to "why a lot of women won't date a guy that has no social circle" 1
thecrucible Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 She could be the type of person who doesn't actively seek out friends but is social when introduced by other people and is more likely to make friends by association. I know people like this and it's because they are shy or enjoy their own company or are busy. I have a few close friends from childhood but I don't make a lot of new ones. I think it can be really tough in adulthood to make new close friendships and most of the people I am friendly with are acquaintances or professional associates.
JustGettingBy Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 You mentioned she is from a foreign country, so some of this could be due to cultural norms. In many countries, children (even as adults) grow up being expected to be at their parents' disposal. Her mom might be finding it hard to be on her own in a different country too, and perhaps relies solely on her daughter for companionship. Is there a language barrier? If this girl is fluent in English but her mom isn't, she is very likely acting as interpreter too. However, she may simply choose to hang out with her mom a lot. I don't necessarily see that as red flag, but would wonder what would happen if her mom weren't always available. Would she start cultivating other friendships, or would she keep to herself? Some people are naturally introverted and happy with their own company too. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something strange about them. There's a lot of cultures out there where 3, or even 4 different generations living in one house is the norm. Kids, the parent, the grandparent, even a great grand parent sometimes, so I could see this being the case. I'm sure some people there look at American culture go 'this person moved out at 18, they must have a terrible family life, is this a red flag?'. Anyway, OP, you've stated that she seems like the type you like, so go for it. If you're concerned that there may be an underlying issue, keep an eye out, but if you enjoy spending time with her she's likely at least worth asking out.
Standard-Fare Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 It's not a red flag unless it's affecting your relationship with this girl in a negative way. Which it sounds like it isn't. Different people have different lifestyles. This is hers. I would guess that she's not completely satisfied with it, and wishes she had other social avenues. Don't assume that she's fallen into this pattern because she WANTS to -- it may be just that she's HAD to. In short: Don't judge, don't worry... just see how your relationship develops and keep an eye on whether this detail affects YOU in any negative ways.
madyg88 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 you describe her as the woman any guy could want. this topic struck me because it shows very well that sometimes an extremely good catch can look scary because we all look for perfection but when we find it,it moves us away. i don't know this girl but if she's like you described her,it's obvious she doesn't have many friends. a woman who looks very good can't rely on male friendship's honesty,and can't rely on female friendship's honesty either.men will oftenly and naturally hope they'll be more than friends sooner or later,while more than half of the women around will feel menaced or secretly envious.so,let's face the truth,being hot is flattering but also brings social troubles an average looking person doesn't have to face. (example:if i am an average looking girl who's single,i wouldn't be too willing to go out with a stunner who catches all the attention making me feel even more insignificant.if i am not single,i could anyway feel a little insecure about my femininity if a knockout girl goes out with my friends and boyfriend.it's human.) second,if she likes cooking,reading,etc. most girls of her age are less reflective and more about fuzz (not all the girls,many of them).probably she feels uncomfortable with them and they feel uncomfortable with her as they share little interests.on the other hand,women way older than her usually have a family of their own which does not go very well with going out with a girl who hasn't children etc. third,if she moved quite recently and is taken from her job,it's completely evident she doesn't have much social life.partly because 27 is not 17,it's not so easy to make a circle of friends quickly as a stranger when you move as an adult,even if you are fluent in the language.partly and especially,if you work seriously social occasions are limited.it may take several years to make friends,unless you have so much spare time (and money) for hanging out in golf/yacht clubs,gyms,bars,hotels,etc. fourth and last,it's a very reasonable explanation that after a long term relationship she could have done the mistake of going out only with her man's group so that at the end of their story these "friendships" faded away.this is exactly what happened to my best friend too,and she's an amazing person. don't act paranoic,please. the only thing i'd keep an eye on if i were you is the relationship with her mother.it's ok to get along with your mother and to spend a large amount of time with her,but it could be a problem for your future together if this mother is too possessive. 1
mikeylo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 She is a catch. Ball is in your court. Play it well.
Jabron1 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 There's absolutely nothing wrong with her. If she were the opposite, and went clubbing with a big group of her girlfriends each weekend, you probably wouldn't like that too much... Only 'problem' I can see is that you might have to deal with her mother a fair bit. Ask her out already, before someone else does
Omei Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I'm the same, 29 loner kinda most of my time spent is with my family yeah I have some friends but i don't keep them as close I guess. I find most people these days don't value friendship all too much and everything is so media based people are willing to hang and have fun but when it comes to deeper things like a friend needs your help a lot of people are flakey today. So I tend to be with family more Perhaps she has the same thinking relationships truly aren't what they used to be everyone now is "replaceable" family is what really sticks.
Zapbasket Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 People who know me only superficially, which is most people, see me as this hugely gregarious, I-can-get-along-with-anyone, vivacious and fun person. I am that, but I also tire of superficial interactions and seek time alone, and in my private world I am kind-of a loner. This has been exacerbated by my living in a rural area, but even when I lived in Chicago, Boston and NYC, it was true of me. I like interactions that progress to greater depth, and if they don't I grow bored and choose to be on my own than stuck with the same interactions day in and day out. Not having a ton of friends is not a red flag. Especially if she is independent and goal-driven. Spending time with her mom just sounds like she's a loyal daughter, unless she's guilt-tripped by her mom to be with her so much, or doesn't know how to stand on her own two feet.
Els Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure why some of the responses here seem to imply that there are only two choices - do everything with only mummy and nobody else... or be a nightclub addict who has sex with different people and then crashes drunk every night. There is a spectrum of behaviour. There are plenty of people who are neither of the above, but rather in the middle of the spectrum. At least, that's what I prefer. I most definitely wouldn't date a man who was like the girl described in the OP. But neither do I desire a clubber. I desire someone who lives independently but has regular contact with family, has some friends, and more importantly values balance in their lives. And I am indeed with such a person. Your choice, OP, just know that it isn't a binary choice. Edited March 23, 2016 by Elswyth
Author p.u. Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 Maybe I did not make it very clear, being a "loner" is not a big deal, but I was kind of impressed because of different reasons. - She has many characteristics an ideal woman should have; this should make her very sought after by women and very sought after by men too, but instead, looks like most of women are scared of her or jealous of her and most men are interested only in chasing her (according to her own admission). I saw that most people I introduced her to really liked her (at least superficially), both women and men. So this made me think she could have personality flaws harder to be discovered, something that may surprise me negatively when we are already indeed involved. I was also surprised how a girl like her has been single for two years and accepted to go out with me. - I have nothing against a woman who has a good relationship with her mother. But I find it a little over the top that a 27 year old shares everything in her life with a 58 year old, even if her mother seems to be not only young and good looking, from how she talks about her, she is intelligent and wise as well. Her mother did not re-marry after her father went away, and the situation made me think of a possible not-very-sane new balance in which they are "partners", something closer to a couple than a mother and daughter (for instance, her mother moved with her from Madrid to Washington, which was not necessary in my opinion). They always made and still make plans together. She also works as her mother's personal interpreter (she's proficient in english, her mother is still learning). I have the suspicion she could have troubles in marrying a man and having her own family because she feels like she owes more presence than normally required to her mom as her mom made more sacrifices than average for her and did not find another partner to raise her properly.
elaine567 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Maybe I did not make it very clear, being a "loner" is not a big deal, but I was kind of impressed because of different reasons. - She has many characteristics an ideal woman should have; this should make her very sought after by women and very sought after by men too, but instead, looks like most of women are scared of her or jealous of her and most men are interested only in chasing her (according to her own admission). I saw that most people I introduced her to really liked her (at least superficially), both women and men. So this made me think she could have personality flaws harder to be discovered, something that may surprise me negatively when we are already indeed involved. I was also surprised how a girl like her has been single for two years and accepted to go out with me. - I have nothing against a woman who has a good relationship with her mother. But I find it a little over the top that a 27 year old shares everything in her life with a 58 year old, even if her mother seems to be not only young and good looking, from how she talks about her, she is intelligent and wise as well. Her mother did not re-marry after her father went away, and the situation made me think of a possible not-very-sane new balance in which they are "partners", something closer to a couple than a mother and daughter (for instance, her mother moved with her from Madrid to Washington, which was not necessary in my opinion). They always made and still make plans together. She also works as her mother's personal interpreter (she's proficient in english, her mother is still learning). I have the suspicion she could have troubles in marrying a man and having her own family because she feels like she owes more presence than normally required to her mom as her mom made more sacrifices than average for her and did not find another partner to raise her properly. I am also wary of women who say because I am so beautiful, the women all hate me and men are always chasing me. We usually get back what we give out, so if women are scared of her or hate her, I wonder why? Frankly the mother/daughter thing sounds a bit over the top, I would not date a man who spent all his waking moments with his father... I guess if you did get involved then the mother comes too, so be prepared to live with your mother in law if you do decide to pursue this further. At 58 and a doting daughter to fill all her social needs, there is no reason for her to make a new life for herself, so she will be sticking in there like glue. 1
Mjm1014 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I honestly wouldn't think into things too too much man. She moved from a different country, she probably doesn't know anyone really, and is on the shy side. I can relate to her. I've been moving my entire life for my career. When I move to a new place, I find it very difficult to meet people from scratch and form close friendships...if I ever try getting back into the dating field, a lot of times they start questioning where my friends are (even though I moved there a few weeks, month(s) ago). Usually people think it's odd I'm not surrounded by friends and when it comes to dating won't give me a chance-but again, it's because I've been moving so much and my friends live all around the country. Like her, when my parents are around, I spend a lot of my time with them... Give her a chance. Everyone situation is different. This isn't a high school popularity contest.
Dreamworld Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I call myself an introverted extrovert so I sort of understand your gf's traits. I dont have really close friends, I consider myself a drifter; I am very good at joining all kinds of different groups of people but I feel suffocated when I feel forced to consistently be joined at the hip to a particular one. Which is why I could not stand cliques back in my school years nor can I stand them today. The equivalent of that are the scary soccer moms I see when I go to pick up my daughter and I am a complete and happy loner by 100% choice in that field. I love being by myself and even going to a party on my own to check out the scene and I also love interacting with people but when they start wanting too much of my time then I feel suffocated. I also need alone time to re energize. And I spend the most time with my family too, especially my mom! So no, I would not have a problem with your gf's characteristics. However, the only red flag would be if other females disliked her. In my experience, a woman who could not get along with her fellow women usually had some issues going on.
madyg88 Posted March 25, 2016 Posted March 25, 2016 after your last answer,i think the only certain "problem" here is if "popularity" is what you look for in a relationship.if you want a woman who does a lot of p.r. for you,surely she is not the right choice.but really;that's it. from all the things you said she seems to be a reliable woman,more than the average girls of her age. a possible red flag:you stated she doesn't have girlfriends,but said your female friends who met her liked her at first sight.if they liked her,probably it's HER the one very selective.otherwise,your own friends (if sincere) wouldn't have liked her.OBVIOUSLY after a first good impression she can turn out to be a wacko,but NOBODY in the world does not have possible red flags here and there during the first months you go out.you should judge more on overall impression,not being obsessive on details (especially when such superficial details).if she would like to make friends,try to make her go out with your friends to help her.if she prefers being alone,don't force her. the close relationship with her mother is no red flag but i repeat as long as this doesn't mean that you can't live your life as a couple without her mother making rules. TO THE ONES WHO SAID THEY WOULD NOT LIKE TO HAVE A LONESOME PARTNER:it seems like a high school statement.if this person is not claustrophobic with you,leaves you the required space and has his/her interests,i wonder what the hell is wrong if he/she is lonesome or spends much time with his/her parents.
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