LivingDeadGrl Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I was told that after you get out of a serious relationship you should take at least 1 month for every year you were together before you start dating again. I was with a guy for 4.5 years and started dating someone around the 3 month mark post break up. I definitely didn't feel ready at the time but thought it would help me move on. My ex was dating women before I even moved out. It didn't pan out with the guy I dated thankfully, but what do you think? 1
Satu Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I don't believe that any formula or arbitrary rules are valid, but it took me nearly 2 years to get over my one and only devastating breakup. When I say, 'get over,' I mean getting to the point where I was really happy and enjoying life to the full. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I know a guy married to his wife for 30 happy and fulfilling years, who met a lady about 4 months after her death and married her 8 months later. Such a story is not unique by any means. Yet there are numerous threads on here from people with comparatively short relationships (I'm talking months) who still find it a struggle to move on a year, maybe two or sadly even more years later. Go figure... 1
kendahke Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I was told that after you get out of a serious relationship you should take at least 1 month for every year you were together before you start dating again. I was with a guy for 4.5 years and started dating someone around the 3 month mark post break up. I definitely didn't feel ready at the time but thought it would help me move on. My ex was dating women before I even moved out. It didn't pan out with the guy I dated thankfully, but what do you think? I was with my ex for 13 years, but it took way longer than 13 months to get through it all. Just when I thought I was done, I had a huge obsessive set back. Man, that was rough because I was so sick of having feelings, in any way, for my ex. So, for me, it was more like 3 years. One sure fire way that I've found that will tell you if you're truly over them is when your blood pressure returns to normal readings. While going through the aftermath of the break up, my pressure was around 140/110. It's been quite recently--within the last year and a half--that it's now 120/80, which is perfect for a 56 yr old such as myself. 1
CarrieT Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 The relationship that brought me to this site in 2008 was only a 2 1/2 year relationship, but it took me a full two years to get over him. I've had other, longer relationships (a marriage in my early 20s that was 5 years long) plus an 11-year relationship that didn't take me as long to recover from as that toxic one that ended in 2008. Everyone is different.... 2
kendahke Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) also to add--depending upon who does the breaking up, it seems the one who cheated/left gets on with dating at lightening speed, but the truth is that they've checked out and mourned the relationship while stringing you along, so by the time they physically walk out, they're pretty much done with the emotional stuff... it's you (the one who's left) that is left spinning and upended out of nowhere. I can distinctly remember times where he would be sitting next to me, staring off into space, the looking at me like he was fighting the words from coming out that it was over. I'd ask him what was wrong and he'd say "nothing. I just have a lot on my mind". He was manipulating me until the last when he butt dialed me while walking up to her condo. Edited March 21, 2016 by kendahke 1
Author LivingDeadGrl Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 I left my ex because he was sexting other women and meeting girls on dating sites behind my back. As I mentioned he was dating before I even moved out. I must have cried for a week straight in my new place before I was able to function. He didn't deserve even that! I think it also depends on how emotionally invested you are as well. He did however cry and beg for me to come back around the 4 month mark though. Maybe some people just mask their pain? 1
Larryville Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I was told that after you get out of a serious relationship you should take at least 1 month for every year you were together before you start dating again. I was with a guy for 4.5 years and started dating someone around the 3 month mark post break up. I definitely didn't feel ready at the time but thought it would help me move on. My ex was dating women before I even moved out. It didn't pan out with the guy I dated thankfully, but what do you think? Depends on your mental, spiritual and emotional state of mind getting out of the relationship. Women who are in tuned with the downward spiral of a relationship prepares herself. Also how you felt in your relationship, was the relationship your “be all end all” meaning did you define yourself thru your relationship? Lastly if you look in the mirror and say “I’m better off without the SOB” then you are cool. As Satu says no arbitrary time frame… But if you are NOT ready people should not jump back into the dating pool and use someone else as their healing mechanism and waste their time and effort either. 2
burnt Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 The question you are asking is a bit like asking "how long does it take to heal physically after you had a fall?" The answer depends on a number of things: a 7 year old who slipped and fell will heal in a day, whereas a 77 year old will most likely need months of healing. So to add to what everyone else has said: It all depends. On the person. There is no right answer. I had a fall out with my best friend when I was 15; she was my best friend, and actually more like my sister and my whole world at that time. My loyalty to her was unconditional and when I got hurt, I closed the door permanently. I am now 35. I have not even thought of having or wanting another girl/woman as a friend in the past 20 YEARS. Nor do I think it's possible for me to ever open up emotionally to trust any woman like that ever to form a friendship. When I trust someone it's with my life; when my trust and faith disappear, it goes permanently. Losing her hit me hard, very hard; and I am still not over it in all these years. So, you see, there are all sorts of extreme stories out there--which is all irrelevant in a way. The point is: don't focus on what time frame is statistically expected to get over someone, but rather focus on what's realistic for you. Don't try to set up an expectation on how long it SHOULD take you to be ok. One of my favorite lines from my therapist: "SHOULD is a dangerous word--it's loaded with judgement." 2
Tahirthegreat Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Was with my ex for over 9 years, was over her in a day. I didnt love her. 1
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I dumped my BF of 5 years....I was back into the saddle within two weeks going out on dates....clicking my heels all the way. 3
central Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Left my ex after 24 years, and was happily dating again within 2 weeks. Met the love of my life after about 6 months - it's now 16 years later. At the time, my first marriage had been over for a long time - it was just a matter of timing when to leave, so all the healing was going on during that waiting time. 2
Jabron1 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Entered two long term relationships over the last two and a half years, after years of playing the field. It has messed with my mojo quite a bit. I dumped my ex-girlfriend for copping a disrespectful attitude - so my hand was forced. It took me two weeks to first approach another woman. I chatted up an attractive woman that seemed keen, but bottled out of asking for her number. I obviously wasn't over it. A month later, I joined some dating sites and met a few women, but just the fact that I had started online dating for the first time in my life proved that I wasn't really motivated. And I'm just realising that now. It's funny how we behave in certain ways, but don't even consciously understand why until later. It's been six months and I still haven't found the same verve that I had for the dating game. I seem to have adopted a stop/start attitude. I'm in three minds at the moment: 1. Spend some time alone / get my head right 2. Get back to playing the libertine 3. Enter/commit to a deep LTR I alternate between the three daily. The thought of deducing my state to mathematics (the 1 month theory) doesn't seem to have any bearing on reality IMO. I think that relationships permanently change people. And I think that the challenge is to adapt to these changes, whilst maturing/moving on at the same time. Reminds me of the HiM song 'In venere veritas' (in love there is truth). 'Have no fear. There are wounds that are not meant to heal...' Just my current perspective. Could change tomorrow for all I know 1
Otter2569 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 It definitely depends on the people and the intimacy / depth of the relationship. Ive gone from one to another without blinking an eye (keep in mind the relationship was going down hill over a period of time and I was dissatisfied for a while before making my move). This last one kicked my ass on many level. I'm going on a few months with zero interest in a relationship. Most dates are friends only and I am fully content with that. 4
jen1447 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Yeah, the formula's a bit of a trope. Some 20 year marriage ppl walk away w/out and hitch and some 2 week relationship ppl get really messed up. There's no magical turning point anyway. Eventually you just wake up one day and realize around noon that you haven't thought of them yet, and at that point they occupy less than 50% of your psyche and you're pretty much 'ok' from that point onward. Could happen in 2 days or 2 months or 2 years. 4
Shanex Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I dumped my BF of 5 years....I was back into the saddle within two weeks going out on dates....clicking my heels all the way. Must have crushed him.. I also recover fast enough whether I'm the dumper or the dumpee, depend on the lady. I don't mourn or empty vodka bottle listening to sad love songs.
thecrucible Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 The first one I had was so devastating because I hadn't experienced it before so it felt like the end of the world. I was only 18 at the time. It's hard for me to know how to separate relationship heartbreak from other issues I've experienced throughout my adolescence and early twenties - specifically my anxiety disorder, which I think has caused me many more tears and pain overall than some breakups. But I do find that because I am so sensitive, breakups can really affect me. However, with some experience behind me I can usually intuitively tell when a break-up might be on the cards so I would usually not be taken by surprise. If I feel like crying I cry but I only let myself do this for a day before I start focusing on other things in my life. I feel ready to date when the ex no longer occupies the forefront of my thoughts and I no longer regularly bring him up in conversation. In fact I think bringing up an ex in conversation at all is a dead giveaway so I know I am not over him when that happens.
Standard-Fare Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 As you can see, there's no right answer and the formula you presented is bullsh*t. There are two different people from my past who I truly loved who I still think about on an almost daily basis. Not in a longing "I wish we were back together" way, but in a "They're always going to be a part of me and nothing's changing that" way. Though I do go over past regrets and mistakes, none of this inspires me to reconnect with them, because that would misguided if not impossible. It's just that I've accepted them as possibly permanent features of my mental landscape, and all I can hope for is to get something positive out of that. Other relationships, some even longer than the two mentioned above, I've been able to turn my back on without thinking back. Every scenario is very different. 1
Toodaloo Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 It varies. Took me less than a week to recover from a 7 year relationship. Took around 6 months to get over a short 1 month fling. Difference is that I was over the first before it ended... a long time before it ended. The second I wasn't even really into yet so was mourning the loss of what could have been... Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time and don't try to compare to others. Follow the advice given as it helps you heal faster and come out stronger. 1
iphone_user1 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I still have feelings for her, I do like her, but not the way it used to be, and it's been like a year (and we dated for a few months only). I mean, I have learnt to live with it. I can go out, date other girls, have fun, etc... But everytime we talk or see each other, sweet memories come back for both of us I guess that's the way it's gonna be for a long time. Edited March 22, 2016 by iphone_user1
nadzz Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I was told that after you get out of a serious relationship you should take at least 1 month for every year you were together before you start dating again. I was with a guy for 4.5 years and started dating someone around the 3 month mark post break up. I definitely didn't feel ready at the time but thought it would help me move on. My ex was dating women before I even moved out. It didn't pan out with the guy I dated thankfully, but what do you think? I don't agree with that number at all...plus I heard it takes half the time you were in a relationship to get over it. Personally I believe as soon as you stop being sad then you can start because, in all honesty, sometimes seeing someone else helps you forget the ex. I say as soon as you stop being sad because no one wants to date a sad girl. If you find someone good then don't miss out on him and let your ex waste any more of your time. Good luck!
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