Ex gf has come back into my life to apologize

[Hrtbroken316]

Hello friends!

 

I posted a few months ago about my awful breakup and how it had affected me. About 7 months ago, my gf of 6 months at the time randomly broke up with me. She broke up with me in the worst fashion (went to Europe and completely disappeared, came back and then wouldn't see me, with no explanation, accused me of cheating (I obviously wasn't), and made me feel stupid for being upset, list goes on and on). Anyway, it hit me the hardest a relationship hit me due to the fact that I was "ghosted" on.

 

Fast forward to last week, and I get a HUGE text from her basically apologizing in the best way I know is possible. One of those messages you dream about during the breaking up and all the tears. She covered EVERYTHING she did wrong and then some. In all my years of dating, this was the most well thought out, thorough apology I've ever read, not to mention she took FULL accountability for what happened. When I first read it, it didnt seem like a "lets get back together message" but rather a message of redemption. She seems like she wanted to clear her conscious and redeem herself. Of course it rocked the boat and made me feel slightly uneasy at first, but eventually I came to terms with it and it made my insides feel better knowing she was taking accountability. I responded along the lines of "no hard feelings, you live and you learn". She continued the next evening with "I need you to believe me, im being 100 genuine no bs" I responded with "seriously, no hard feelings, I understand and appreciate the explanation"

 

All is well right?? My insides feel great, and although I still have some feelings, I'm ready to move on and conquer the next stage of life

 

Fast forward a week and she messaged me again last night. "How have you been? I need to see you I really do" I responded with "Why? We are cool, believe me we are good. I understand what you are saying but you should know I am at peace with it She responded with "ok thanks :)"

 

 

I guess it shouldn't matter at this point, but what is her agenda? Why is she persistently trying to apologize/ see me? Is she wanting to get back together and this is her way? Or is she just trying to redeem herself. Do I even continue to analyze this? I feel like i shot her down pretty hard by saying "you should know I"m at peace with it"

 

I feel like a part of me wants to move on, be done with this and look at this whole thing as an experience. But know myself, I can be insecure, and a hopeless romantic. Part of me is DYING for her to beg for me back just so I can decide what to do at that point. A part of me also is wanting to explore the option of possibly just having sex with her and then calling it a day (I know its awful, but I was OBSESSED with our sex). I just feel like I dont have a clear vision as to what is going on or what I should be doing.

 

I know most of you will say to "move on", but is there any situation in which the girl comes back in this fashion, actually grows up and learns from her mistakes, and then comes back for real? And actually stays committed? Or is this a consequence of GIGS syndrome?

 

Thank you so much for your help.

[frigginlost]

Hello friends!

 

I posted a few months ago about my awful breakup and how it had affected me. About 7 months ago, my gf of 6 months at the time randomly broke up with me. She broke up with me in the worst fashion (went to Europe and completely disappeared, came back and then wouldn't see me, with no explanation, accused me of cheating (I obviously wasn't), and made me feel stupid for being upset, list goes on and on). Anyway, it hit me the hardest a relationship hit me due to the fact that I was "ghosted" on.

 

Fast forward to last week, and I get a HUGE text from her basically apologizing in the best way I know is possible. One of those messages you dream about during the breaking up and all the tears. She covered EVERYTHING she did wrong and then some. In all my years of dating, this was the most well thought out, thorough apology I've ever read, not to mention she took FULL accountability for what happened. When I first read it, it didnt seem like a "lets get back together message" but rather a message of redemption. She seems like she wanted to clear her conscious and redeem herself. Of course it rocked the boat and made me feel slightly uneasy at first, but eventually I came to terms with it and it made my insides feel better knowing she was taking accountability. I responded along the lines of "no hard feelings, you live and you learn". She continued the next evening with "I need you to believe me, im being 100 genuine no bs" I responded with "seriously, no hard feelings, I understand and appreciate the explanation"

 

All is well right?? My insides feel great, and although I still have some feelings, I'm ready to move on and conquer the next stage of life

 

Fast forward a week and she messaged me again last night. "How have you been? I need to see you I really do" I responded with "Why? We are cool, believe me we are good. I understand what you are saying but you should know I am at peace with it She responded with "ok thanks :)"

 

 

I guess it shouldn't matter at this point, but what is her agenda? Why is she persistently trying to apologize/ see me? Is she wanting to get back together and this is her way? Or is she just trying to redeem herself. Do I even continue to analyze this? I feel like i shot her down pretty hard by saying "you should know I"m at peace with it"

 

I feel like a part of me wants to move on, be done with this and look at this whole thing as an experience. But know myself, I can be insecure, and a hopeless romantic. Part of me is DYING for her to beg for me back just so I can decide what to do at that point. A part of me also is wanting to explore the option of possibly just having sex with her and then calling it a day (I know its awful, but I was OBSESSED with our sex). I just feel like I dont have a clear vision as to what is going on or what I should be doing.

 

I know most of you will say to "move on", but is there any situation in which the girl comes back in this fashion, actually grows up and learns from her mistakes, and then comes back for real? And actually stays committed? Or is this a consequence of GIGS syndrome?

 

Thank you so much for your help.

 

If she was trying to relieve guilt, she succeeded after your first reply to her.

 

The follow-up from her asking to meet are not the actions of someone continuing to want to relieve guilt. She is reaching out in a big, big, way. Her intentions are clear as day.

 

Your intentions are clearly not inline with hers, though. You are looking for further ego stroking because she hurt you (it's understandable). Tread carefully...

 

And yes, people do change, grow up, and become relationship material...

[TXGuy]

She just broke up with the guy she dumped you for.

 

She might want to get back with you for a while to get the ego boost of reeling you back in. If you let her, she will be very happy. Because you will have confirmed that even when she treats you horribly, you are still in her back pocket.

 

I think you have handled things very well so far. I'd advise against letting her back in your life. The self-respect you gain by not engaging with her further will feel far better than any feelings you will get from talking with her, even sleeping with her, again.

[serial muse]

OP, I went back to read your previous posts so I can understand your story. I agree with TX Guy - I think she had someone else and now that's ended. I'm sorry, I know she was awful to you...but it doesn't make sense to me that suddenly she's seen the light. She accused you of cheating and lying, and was pretty cruel about ending things - even if she's now admitting that, it's still a pretty terrible thing to do to a person.

 

You seem like a person with his head on straight, who deserves a lot better than this. Don't get sucked back in!! Your initial response was perfect, and sufficient.

[Larryville]

I know most of you will say to "move on", but is there any situation in which the girl comes back in this fashion, actually grows up and learns from her mistakes.

HELL NO!! move on! I say this without any hesitation, women don’t just apologize without a specific agenda.

 

I also make this point to say there is ONE woman I have not seen in years and I fell freaking hard for and if she texted/called me today could still likely manipulate and just might be able to put me back on the freaking hook.

 

keep in mind a truly good, honest woman with any emotional depth who truly cared(s) about you would NEVER try to reconnect with you and screw with you I will say again UNLESS SHE HAS A SELFISH AGENDA!

[Satu]

Leave it exactly where it stands and BLOCK her on everything.

[Hrtbroken316]

If she was trying to relieve guilt, she succeeded after your first reply to her.

 

The follow-up from her asking to meet are not the actions of someone continuing to want to relieve guilt. She is reaching out in a big, big, way. Her intentions are clear as day.

 

Your intentions are clearly not inline with hers, though. You are looking for further ego stroking because she hurt you (it's understandable). Tread carefully...

 

And yes, people do change, grow up, and become relationship material...

 

Thanks for the reply. I guess you are right in the sense that i will feel some kind of "high" or ego stroke.

 

Some people on other threads are saying she just broke up with the guy she dumped me for. And now is coming back. They are saying that its hard to believe "shes seen the light"

 

I guess its hard for me to let this go, I want to believe she's changed and we can be happy together. I want to believe that people grow up. We had a great relationship with the exception of her randomly breaking up with me. I just don't know what to think! Sure, my gut says I can get myself into a big mess with this, but another part of me says "wow, that was an amazing apology"

Edited March 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added quoted text; clean up from merge ~6

[Steven1]

She may want to get back with you after the time apart etc and she may have realized that what she had with you she wasn't having with anyone else, with her time in Europe she might have thought she wanted different things than what the relationship was offering her at that point and just didn't know how to end it when she got back.

 

Could be that she wants to right wrongs and apologizing to you and in person is to make up for not doing it properly last time, she might not want to be back with you, she might just want to do it properly and apologize for her behavior the first time around.

 

The next bit is the hard bit. If you are over her or feel you have comfortably moved on or come to a level of acceptance, and if seeing her would NOT bring you back to how you were when it happened, then see her and see what she says and whats happening. If you feel that it would be to much and would rather move on, accept the apology etc but leave it at that.

[Saracena]

I'm curious to know why she left it this long to contact you? And her answer if you asked her. In addition how she explained the ghosting?

 

Like others I think you handled it remarkably well.

[Hrtbroken316]

Ugh, I know theres a good chance you are right on this. And everything i've learned about girls SCREAMS that this is how they function and this is what the situation is.

 

I guess I'm just holding on to the hope that people learn and grow up and realize things. Her apology was AMAZING, and I'm not just saying that because I still have some feelings. It was the kind of accountablity and apology that people just DONT take initiative to do these days. It was truly heartfelt and makes me think she is genuinely sorry.

 

That being said, I do believe some people have agendas/malicious intent. If she is trying to get me back using this apology because shes having a moment where her ego needs to be stroked, thats just sad and makes what she did/doing to me even worse. I just can't figure it out. I don't want to give up for some reason! I want to think that she actually learned!

[Hrtbroken316]

I'm curious to know why she left it this long to contact you? And her answer if you asked her. In addition how she explained the ghosting?

 

Like others I think you handled it remarkably well.

Im curious as well. Other posters above are saying she left me for another guy, and then is now coming back to me....but I'm not sure if thats accurate based on information from other mutual friends.

 

At the time, she used me as a scapegoat for wanting "out" and basically accused me cheating/lying. She basically blamed it on me and then bailed. Which was the worst experience ever! Her apology was amazing and took full accountability, but didn't really go into specifics. She just acknowledged that it was her fault for everything and that she understands how she was wrong.

[Hrtbroken316]

She may want to get back with you after the time apart etc and she may have realized that what she had with you she wasn't having with anyone else, with her time in Europe she might have thought she wanted different things than what the relationship was offering her at that point and just didn't know how to end it when she got back.

 

Could be that she wants to right wrongs and apologizing to you and in person is to make up for not doing it properly last time, she might not want to be back with you, she might just want to do it properly and apologize for her behavior the first time around.

 

The next bit is the hard bit. If you are over her or feel you have comfortably moved on or come to a level of acceptance, and if seeing her would NOT bring you back to how you were when it happened, then see her and see what she says and whats happening. If you feel that it would be to much and would rather move on, accept the apology etc but leave it at that.

I don't trust myself in these types of scenarios. I dont believe I'm generally strong enough (no matter how long its been) to put my fragile emotions aside and be able to think about things rationally. In an idea world, a girl that wants to make amends and get me back would have to do ALL the work to get me back, and if she isn't I would probably get very scared that she is going to leave me again. My gut says this is trouble, but my heart says it has potential. Oh what to do!!!

[Steven1]

To be honest there is nothing wrong with seeing her IF you can go into it as a neutral. Nothing more. You need to try and have an objective view on it otherwise you are potentially setting yourself up for failure either way. If you go and see her with the hope she wants to get back and doesn't, then it comes back onto you, if you see and she wants to get back and you snatch her hand off for the chance without thinking about it properly as to why she suddenly wants you back, again it will play on your mind.

 

If you are going to follow it through to some extent you need to have a very long talk with her from a neutral standpoint imo.

[Hrtbroken316]

I'm curious to know why she left it this long to contact you? And her answer if you asked her. In addition how she explained the ghosting?

 

Like others I think you handled it remarkably well.

Do you think my answer of "but you should know I'm at peace with it, believe me we are good" was too harsh? Did I basically indirectly say "back off, I'm good where i am?"

 

I tend to overanalyze these things to regain a sense of control. Right now I feel like my responses were ok but feel that i maybe was too cold

[contel3]

She's apologizing because she wants to get something out of it. It may be a friendship, a FWB arranggement, an ego boost, getting back together....the list goes on.

 

Considering she seemed upset you didn't give a move elaborate answer, I'd guess she was looking for some kind of reaction. She's fishing for attention.

 

I wouldn't engage any further with her if you don't want to get burned.

 

Apologies are just words, unless they are proven with actions.

Edited March 21, 2016 by contel3

[Hrtbroken316]

She's apologizing because she wants to get something out of it. It may be a friendship, a FWB arranggement, an ego boost, getting back together....the list goes on.

 

Considering she seemed upset you didn't give a move elaborate answer, I'd guess she was looking for some kind of reaction. She's fishing for attention.

 

I wouldn't engage any further with her if you don't want to get burned.

 

Apologies are just words, unless they are proven with actions.

Thanks contel3,

 

I feel like I'm getting such a wide range of answers from everyone. Some seem more cynical than others and are telling me to MOVE ON asap. While others are more sympathetic to the situation and telling me to tread lightly.

 

Can more chime in on this if possible? I feel like I need more consensus. And yes, I'm leaving it up to the public because this is something I can NOT decide on my own. I will take whatever consequences come of my decision but it's one Ive decided to leave up to others. Thanks!

[266696687]

Thanks contel3,

 

I feel like I'm getting such a wide range of answers from everyone. Some seem more cynical than others and are telling me to MOVE ON asap. While others are more sympathetic to the situation and telling me to tread lightly.

 

Can more chime in on this if possible? I feel like I need more consensus. And yes, I'm leaving it up to the public because this is something I can NOT decide on my own. I will take whatever consequences come of my decision but it's one Ive decided to leave up to others. Thanks!

 

I think for the time being you should do nothing. Sit and wait it out a bit. Don't make contact with her.

 

The reason I'm saying this is because if she really wants you back she will reach out again by text or she will show up at your door. She will find a way to see you or speak you. I think you will find out her intentions very quickly if you remain quiet.

 

If she wanted an ego stroke or was hoping to be friends your previous message will hopefully have deterred her however if she really and truly wants you back she wil let you know. Clearly and directly. You shouldn't accept anything less than that. Wait for her to make the next move.

[Otter2569]

My take on this was that you handled the situation well and to move the F on.

 

I have rarely taken anyone back, especially if the burned me like that. The few I have taken back were ultimately on borrowed time. The take back is one of the hardest tricks in the book.

 

You got your apology. You should be happy with that.

[Steven1]

I must admit that if I was with someone and they disappeared and came back without speaking to me, even coming back with an apology later that would ring alarm bells for me personally....

 

In my mind (this is not to say this happened, just what my understanding of it would be)

 

If I was with someone and they disappeared to Europe or anywhere etc for x amount of time, came back with no word spoken, and then randomly down the line give me a huge apology, my mind would automatically think that she had been with someone, got the elbow, and then came back to someone that she knew was a sure thing for her as they knew how much they cared etc. If she knows that would take her back in a heart beat, that might be her reasoning. But I could be completely wrong.

[Saracena]

Thanks contel3,

 

Can more chime in on this if possible? I feel like I need more consensus. And yes, I'm leaving it up to the public because this is something I can NOT decide on my own. I will take whatever consequences come of my decision but it's one Ive decided to leave up to others. Thanks!

 

 

You see the difficulty here IMO is that none of us here actually know your ex, her character etc. I think it would be far more beneficial if you could discuss this with a mutual, sensible friend.

 

One thing I did notice when I glanced at your break-up post was your remark about the relationship not going to work before she broke up with you! So I'd have a good think back on that if I were you!

[Hrtbroken316]

I think for the time being you should do nothing. Sit and wait it out a bit. Don't make contact with her.

 

The reason I'm saying this is because if she really wants you back she will reach out again by text or she will show up at your door. She will find a way to see you or speak you. I think you will find out her intentions very quickly if you remain quiet.

 

If she wanted an ego stroke or was hoping to be friends your previous message will hopefully have deterred her however if she really and truly wants you back she wil let you know. Clearly and directly. You shouldn't accept anything less than that. Wait for her to make the next move.

I think you make some great points. Her intentions will be clear as day. I guess I'm worried that she wants to take the chance and try and get me back, but she is maybe taking my response as an "I'm moving on, so should you" type thing.

 

This is part of my ongoing problem. I felt like I was too harsh with my "rejection" to meet and now she wont try again, even if she really wants to.

 

Ugh, I feel like a 16 year old girl who overanalyzes things and can't come to a proper, stable conclusion about what's best to do for myself.

 

I re-read some of my posts and some of the memories of what she did to me definitely came back. She was so cold, so hurtful, so in the wrong that the fact she has apologized has turned me on a little bit. My mentality is almost like "wow, she was so cold but now she knows I was right." It's almost like a power trip.

 

I guess ill wait it out and see if she does anything further. I feel very comfortable with that game plan. Part of me just wants to be in a loving, committed relationship that I havn't had in many years. I guess maybe I'm just afraid of being alone so now that she seems like she might be back, I'm desperate to jump on the bandwagon. Or am I? lol

[266696687]

I think you make some great points. Her intentions will be clear as day. I guess I'm worried that she wants to take the chance and try and get me back, but she is maybe taking my response as an "I'm moving on, so should you" type thing.

 

This is part of my ongoing problem. I felt like I was too harsh with my "rejection" to meet and now she wont try again, even if she really wants to.

 

Ugh, I feel like a 16 year old girl who overanalyzes things and can't come to a proper, stable conclusion about what's best to do for myself.

 

I re-read some of my posts and some of the memories of what she did to me definitely came back. She was so cold, so hurtful, so in the wrong that the fact she has apologized has turned me on a little bit. My mentality is almost like "wow, she was so cold but now she knows I was right." It's almost like a power trip.

 

I guess ill wait it out and see if she does anything further. I feel very comfortable with that game plan. Part of me just wants to be in a loving, committed relationship that I havn't had in many years. I guess maybe I'm just afraid of being alone so now that she seems like she might be back, I'm desperate to jump on the bandwagon. Or am I? lol

 

If it takes one message from you to deter her getting you back then she didnt really want you back in the first place. She broke the relationship it is up to her to fix it. Therefore you should do nothing.

 

Have some self restraint. If you chase after her you show her you're still pinning after her and she'll have her ego stroke.

 

She apologised. Nothing more than that at this point. Stop reading into it. She could be contacting you for any number of reasons (probably selfish ones on her part) keep your self respect. if she wants you back really and truly she knows where to find you.

 

Let her come to you. In the meantime i suggest you carry on with your life and keep moving on regardless.

[Zahara]

Why is she persistently trying to apologize/ see me?

 

It's because your short and dry responses aren't making her feel good about herself. She doesn't feel that you're sincere in your acceptance therefore in order to alleviate her guilt, she needs more affirmation from you. This is just about her own struggle with her own feelings.

 

Is she wanting to get back together and this is her way? Or is she just trying to redeem herself. Do I even continue to analyze this? I feel like i shot her down pretty hard by saying "you should know I"m at peace with it"

 

You did great. She doesn't get to ghost someone and expect everything to fall back into place. If she wants to get back, it's her responsibility to win you over. One apology will not suffice. You need to do nothing.

 

A part of me also is wanting to explore the option of possibly just having sex with her and then calling it a day (I know its awful, but I was OBSESSED with our sex).

 

You're not capable of it. You can't even handle an apology text.

 

I know most of you will say to "move on", but is there any situation in which the girl comes back in this fashion, actually grows up and learns from her mistakes, and then comes back for real? And actually stays committed? Or is this a consequence of GIGS syndrome

 

Personally, I would never want to go back to someone that just disposed of me like I was nothing. If that is the way someone deals with issues, I would have to wonder if 7 months is enough time to actually mature and have any significant self-reflection. I couldn't risk it. When someone can be so callous and dysfunctional in how they treat you, I think those roots run deep.

 

I think her plans fell through and now she's back.

Edited March 21, 2016 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you make some great points. Her intentions will be clear as day. I guess I'm worried that she wants to take the chance and try and get me back, but she is maybe taking my response as an "I'm moving on, so should you" type thing.

 

This is part of my ongoing problem. I felt like I was too harsh with my "rejection" to meet and now she wont try again, even if she really wants to.

 

Ugh, I feel like a 16 year old girl who overanalyzes things and can't come to a proper, stable conclusion about what's best to do for myself.

 

I re-read some of my posts and some of the memories of what she did to me definitely came back. She was so cold, so hurtful, so in the wrong that the fact she has apologized has turned me on a little bit. My mentality is almost like "wow, she was so cold but now she knows I was right." It's almost like a power trip.

 

I guess ill wait it out and see if she does anything further. I feel very comfortable with that game plan. Part of me just wants to be in a loving, committed relationship that I havn't had in many years. I guess maybe I'm just afraid of being alone so now that she seems like she might be back, I'm desperate to jump on the bandwagon. Or am I? lol

 

You aren't the one who should be jumping through hoops, she should. Not to punish her, but to a) protect your heart and b) because it's only fair. It's one thing if you guys parted on amicable terms, but she went scorched earth on you. She needs to earn your love -- don't be cheap and give it away like a putz.

 

I agree with the waiting philosophy. I thought what you said was perfect -- don't be a weakwilled wuss and sabotage it. If she wants it, she'll make it known. If she was fishing for an ego boost, you likely won't hear from her again.

 

I also think that her most recent thing died and she's looking at you because she felt you were a layup, a sure bet. You showed that you weren't, so stick to that.

 

Now, if you were over it and couldn't care less, then I'd tell you to do what you want. But obviously you aren't anywhere in that galaxy.

Edited March 21, 2016 by Simon Phoenix

[Hrtbroken316]

It's because your short and dry responses aren't making her feel good about herself. She doesn't feel that you're sincere in your acceptance therefore in order to alleviate her guilt, she needs more affirmation from you. This is just about her own struggle with her own feelings.

 

 

 

You did great. She doesn't get to ghost someone and expect everything to fall back into place. If she wants to get back, it's her responsibility to win you over. One apology will not suffice. You need to do nothing.

 

 

 

You're not capable of it. You can't even handle an apology text.

 

 

 

Personally, I would never want to go back to someone that just disposed of me like I was nothing. If that is the way someone deals with issues, I would have to wonder if 7 months is enough time to actually mature and have any significant self-reflection. I couldn't risk it. When someone can be so callous and dysfunctional in how they treat you, I think those roots run deep.

 

I think her plans fell through and now she's back.

LOL thank you for being honest. You are absolutely correct. I probably wouldn't be able to handle it. If she wants me, she definitely needs to come to me. But the more I've been thinking about it, the more I'm not convinced or deterred from my original plan. This woman seems like she just has a bunch of issues and uses others to feed her blank spots