kikik Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 In a few weeks I will visit my boyfriend's family for the first time. I will travel to America and stay with his mom for a few days, then with his dad. Of course, I am nervous, because I will meet everyone at once, and I really want to make a good first real life impression. I have a feeling his mother already does not like me, because her son will move to my country to be with me soon, and I have this feeling I am the evil witch that takes away her son from her, all across the Atlantic (I am German, he is American). Also, I am 6 years older than him, and feel a bit insecure when it comes to our age difference... wondering what they may think. So there are a few questions going through my head... What are the chances they think less of me because I choose to date someone so much younger than me? Do you think I should bring a gift from my country? What kind of visitors gifts would middle class people from Massachusetts enjoy? (Even though I lived in New York for a while, I am unsure if I can impress the usual rural American with my Europeanness, and I don't want to make any faux pas...) What is accepted to talk about? What should I not mention? My boyfriend is, whilst wearing his rose tinted glasses, completely blind to the idea that they could dislike me... I, however, am so nervous, because I literally NEVER had a good relationship with any moms of my exes who came from a different country than I, and I am 100% that was partially my fault... I feel I have bad, how do you say, cultural boundaries, perhaps... I find it very difficult to adapt to the American mentality, and feel my European demeanor has, in the past, often come across as rude, audacious... But I find it hard to be someone I am not... What do you suggest? Any uplifting words or tipps are appreciated... 1
GunslingerRoland Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I, however, am so nervous, because I literally NEVER had a good relationship with any moms of my exes who came from a different country than I, and I am 100% that was partially my fault... I find this interesting. It sounds like you keep dating men from different countries? Why do you do this... I mean Germany has some 30 million men. I'm not saying romance can't work from across the world, but you are going to disrupt this man's entire life. Can't blame the parents for wanting to make sure you aren't doing it for nothing. The only advice I can offer, is just be genuine and be yourself. Trying to put up a false façade, won't help you. 1
TXGuy Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Try not to overthink it too much. Sometimes when you try too hard, you make things worse. Bringing something from Germany would be a nice gesture. Unfortunately, Germans are most famous for precision engineering. It isn't practical to give them a BMW or Mercedes. Some Ideas that come to mind: - Reidel stemware (some wineglasses). they are very nice and not too expensive - German sausages (factory sealed to avoid airport/customs issues). - Those little chips of the berlin wall in a plastic coin sized container and decorative package. I'm not sure if they still sell them, but you could find them all over berlin souvenir shops about 10 years ago for ~10 euro (a local could probably find them for 2 or 3 euro. 1
Author kikik Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 I find this interesting. It sounds like you keep dating men from different countries? Why do you do this... I mean Germany has some 30 million men. I'm not saying romance can't work from across the world, but you are going to disrupt this man's entire life. Can't blame the parents for wanting to make sure you aren't doing it for nothing. The only advice I can offer, is just be genuine and be yourself. Trying to put up a false façade, won't help you. I have lived abroad for most of my adult life, which is why I have mainly dated non-Germans. I don't see how I am disrupting his entire life, it's his decision to be with me... :/ But yes, I feel the father is pretty supportive, he even helped pay for my plane ticket (I am a student and couldn't afford it). And I talked to the mom on Skype, but it's of course not the same as staying in someone's house for a week. 1
Satu Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Don't discuss politics, religion, abortion, or gun control. 3
GunslingerRoland Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I have lived abroad for most of my adult life, which is why I have mainly dated non-Germans. I don't see how I am disrupting his entire life, it's his decision to be with me... :/ Sure it's his choice, but he's going to be the one moving away from everything and everyone he's ever known, to live in a country where they speak a different language. 1
Author kikik Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 Sure it's his choice, but he's going to be the one moving away from everything and everyone he's ever known, to live in a country where they speak a different language. He speaks the language ;P 1
Author kikik Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 Don't discuss politics, religion, abortion, or gun control. Oh what a shame... politics.. my favorite subject of all! I will really have to force myself to shut my mouth then. 1
Satu Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 He speaks the language ;P It's a nice language too. Anyone who hasn't read German poetry in German, is missing out on something beautiful.
Miss Peach Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Oh what a shame... politics.. my favorite subject of all! I will really have to force myself to shut my mouth then. Unfortunately in the US people can't discuss it without forming opinions on others over it. So it's considered polite to just avoid these topics generally. I think it sounds like to bring them a small gift. Things like food, wine, and flowers usually goes over well when meeting parents. Other than that just be yourself, show them you care about your BF. I think it also helps to offer to help them with things they are doing for you (i.e., setting the table, preparing food). It's also a good idea to compliment them if it's sincere. For example if the mom makes dinner one night telling the mom you love the dish she made or that she's a good cook usually works well on moms.
d0nnivain Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Yes you should bring a a hostess gift from Germany. . . something they can't get here -- a great German beer if they drink; sausages, chocolates . . . something edible. Be gracious. Offer to help out, make your bed, set the table etc. Pick up a check or two when you are out. Just be your best kindest most thoughtful self. You already understand that she's concerned about her son moving to another country. Talk about ways to stay in touch. Suggest they should come for a visit once son gets settled. 1
SandraTempleton Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Hi Kikik, I hope that you are looking forward to your upcoming trip. I understand why you would feel nervous about meeting your partner's parents. If I were you, I would try not to focus on your previous ex's mothers disliking you. That has nothing to do with the present situation. I hope that your current partner's feelings towards you will persuade his parents to give you a chance. As for bringing a gift, I don't think you can bring sausages or other meats (even if cured) into the US without having a customs verification stamp on it. Do you know if his parents drink alcohol? If so, maybe it would be nice to bring a bottle of wine from Germany? You could also bring some packaged cookies, cakes, or candy. Another idea is you could make a traditional German meal one night while you are visiting. If his family cooks for you offer to clean up the kitchen afterwards or help clear the table. I had similar fears about my now ex boyfriend's mom and sister disliking me when I visited them in the UK several years ago. We met in the US while he was studying here. We stayed just outside of London with them for 3 weeks. I got along great with them though. I think a big part of that was making the choice to help around the house, cook several meals (they were working and my ex and I were on vacation so had lots of free time to cook), and going with the flow when it came to planned activities. For example we went out for his stepdad's 50th birthday to a Tunisian restaurant and I just went with it.
Sweetgirl28 Posted March 27, 2016 Posted March 27, 2016 European demeanor? I hope you mean German mentality... Having lived in Germany for a while myself, I find Germans generally rude and cold. You may want to tone down a bit.
Author kikik Posted March 27, 2016 Author Posted March 27, 2016 European demeanor? I hope you mean German mentality... Having lived in Germany for a while myself, I find Germans generally rude and cold. You may want to tone down a bit. The only thing rude and cold on this thread is your comment, in my opinion. I am certainly not cold, I am quite warm hearted, why do you think I posted this thread? Also, I am from East Germany, where people are much warmer than in the rest of the country! But also bold, I speak my mind. I am never trying to be rude and I never purposefully offend anyone, but I have in the past noticed people being annoyed by my openness, and me talking very freely about everything that comes to my mind.
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