Is it over?

[marineguy]

So my girlfriend and I have been together 11 months moved in together after 3 months and it has been rocky mainly due to the fact I'm a combat veteran with severe PTSD. About three months in I became very controlling and when she would become cold and distant I would destroy the apartment in anger. After many fights and destruction about 5 months ago I began seeking help for my PTSD. Things would go great for a few days then I would have another flash of anger. I've never stopped seeking help, after about a week of things going great three months ago we decided to get a larger apartment but she kept hers and never put it up for rent after we moved in. This made me paranoid and again more flashes of anger until one day I told her to move out and she came over with a friend and did. Note: I was also very verbally abusive, name calling and false accusations of cheating because she kept condoms and we never used them but would not throw them out even when I said it made me uncomfortable.

 

She said after she moved out she wanted to stay together but see long term changes from the help I've been getting before moving back in.

 

After the move out and we both calmed down we would talk everyday and meet up regularly, have some fun hook up and sleep at each others places. a few days a week

 

Every few days after we would see each other she would become cold and I would lash out then she would come back and we would make up and repeat.

 

Recently twice in one week she came over we got into a fight and I drunkly shoved her after a guy friend in another state called her while we were in bed. She left, the next day I apologized the next day, we had a few days of not seeing each other but talking then she came over again for the evening and dinner and we got into another argument after I have a flashback and I shoved her again and she left and went radio silent for a day in which I blew up her phone and said a bunch of nasty things and accused her of cheating.

 

The following day we talk and she said in that time she decided she did not want to be in a relationship anymore and after about an hour of me apologizing and talk to her calmly on better ways to respond to me when I'm having a flashback she said that this was it and I needed to change once and for all.

 

It's been a week and I'm in a new type of therapy and started a medication that is really helping me we have been talking but she has declined to meet up yet except for a work related thing we are going to.

 

I have not had any flashbacks, I've been sleeping well again and had zero anger outburst on her even when she is cold. She has been pleasant for the most part on the phone but gets a little snippy if I say something she does not agree with (work related stuff) where she is actually seeking my help and contacts. Then cuts the conversation short.

 

I know the meds and new treatment are working as this is something that if it happened even a few weeks ago I would lash out at.

 

I have not been reacting when she gets angry, letting her initiate all the contact, try to keep the convo on work related stuff as I've already apologized for my wrong doings in the past but it still bothers me that she blames all the bad behaviors she did on how I was acting.

 

Anyway I've let go of wanting her to apologize and stayed very calm and collected and focused on my work and treatment.

 

I really love this girl and she says she loves me and calls me everyday but I just don't feel it as she really does not make the time to see me right now and really just talks about her business.

 

I know it's soon after everything that happened but it's eating me up inside.

 

Should I just cut contact for a while and continue to focus on myself?

 

I also don't want to play games with her because she knows about the NC thing and I've used it to manipulate her in the past and I don't want to resort to past behaviors or her to think I'm manipulating her doing it as I want her to see the changes I've made.

 

But on the other hand I feel like I'm being strung a long even though she contacts me everyday.

 

It's really confusing as she has stated she wants to give the relationship a chance and see consistent long term changes.

 

How can she see them if she is not around me? Also a week is the longest I've gone without a flashback and she has lashed out at me over the phone a few times and I've not reacted. So she has to notice this but has not said anything about it.

Edited March 21, 2016 by marineguy

[mightycpa]

Hell yes, you need to work on yourself. Did you read what you wrote? The last thing you need to do is to complicate your life even further by bringing someone who has needs into the mix. Focus on getting that anxiety out of your head. You're not too different than the usual lovelorn people on this forum, who let the past control their present and fear for the future. So, just like they're not ready to date, neither are you.

 

Fix yourself, that is your best path to getting a great relationship that will last.

[hippychick3]

I hope and pray it is over, for her sake.

 

Leave her alone and get the help you need. Continue to work on yourself before attempting to get involved with anyone else. It could take years. Please don't put another woman through that kind of abuse ever again.

[marineguy]

I hope and pray it is over, for her sake.

 

Leave her alone and get the help you need. Continue to work on yourself before attempting to get involved with anyone else. It could take years. Please don't put another woman through that kind of abuse ever again.

 

As I mentioned in my post I am getting the help I need and the treatment and meds are working. Also I'm not initiating contact with her she is the one calling me everyday and says she still wants the relationship to work. She just has not made time to see me

 

Also pretty much 80% of our conversations are business related for something she ask for from me and I did not offer.

[marineguy]

Hell yes, you need to work on yourself. Did you read what you wrote? The last thing you need to do is to complicate your life even further by bringing someone who has needs into the mix. Focus on getting that anxiety out of your head. You're not too different than the usual lovelorn people on this forum, who let the past control their present and fear for the future. So, just like they're not ready to date, neither are you.

 

Fix yourself, that is your best path to getting a great relationship that will last.

 

The thing is she wants to stick by me and see the treatment working, she is very understanding of my condition and is aware of the effects PTSD can have on a person especially a veteran.

 

She says she wants to be there and support me through my treatment

[PegNosePete]

As I mentioned in my post I am getting the help I need and the treatment and meds are working.

For 1 week.

 

When they've been working for 6 months, maybe then you'll be able to tell her you're better, and reboot your relationship on the right foot.

 

Until then, you need to be very very patient and understanding with her. You have treated her horribly, and abusively. If you want her to give you a 2nd (or rather 3rd, 4th, 5th, 100th??) chance, then you need to eat humble pie for a long, long time.

[marineguy]

For 1 week.

 

When they've been working for 6 months, maybe then you'll be able to tell her you're better, and reboot your relationship on the right foot.

 

Until then, you need to be very very patient and understanding with her. You have treated her horribly, and abusively. If you want her to give you a 2nd (or rather 3rd, 4th, 5th, 100th??) chance, then you need to eat humble pie for a long, long time.

 

Thanks for the advice, I hope it does not take 6 months, I'm really focusing hard on my treatment and very happy these new meds are giving a great sense of relief I have not had before.

 

We got together after my 9th and last tour right when I retired so I'm also in the middle of starting a company as well which helps keep me busy.

 

When she wants to talk about the abuse I listen and do not blame her, I acknowledge now as I've made my apologies already. I also keep her up to date on my treatment and how I'm feeling overall.

 

I'm being helpful with her needs for her company and trying to keep our phone calls light and with some added humor which she likes.

 

She has done a ton of research on PTSD and has said to me she understands what I'm going through and is there for me but I miss seeing her in person and sleeping with her.

 

I was never abusive in any past relationships, in fact she has talked to a few exes I've remained friends with and they have actually also supported her and assured her this is what war has done to me although I don't fully blame my PTSD. My last tour was pretty bad so our relationship started out very rough.

 

I feel disgusted with myself not getting help in the beginning and still angry it took the VA so long to approve curtain treatments for me i.e. the one I'm on now is actually been clinically proven to cure PTSD Symptoms in 70% of vets but it's still costing me 1000's of dollars.

 

I try to feel happy and grateful to have someone that put up with so much **** from me to seemingly see it through and calls me to check on me everyday even if it's business related mostly. I have not pushed her to see me and will let her do that when or if she ever wants to again it's just really hard.

 

Sometimes I feel like my treatment came too late but I'm still grateful to have the relief.

[mightycpa]

The thing is she wants to stick by me and see the treatment working, she is very understanding of my condition and is aware of the effects PTSD can have on a person especially a veteran.

 

She says she wants to be there and support me through my treatment

Uh-huh. I'm going to ask you once again if you read what you wrote:

Every few days after we would see each other she would become cold and I would lash out then she would come back and we would make up and repeat.

She has needs. You're not meeting them. Her good intentions are great, until such time as her unmet needs become more important than her good intentions. Then she gets resentful, which baits you into releasing some of your pent up anger for the wrong reason. Then she comes back for a little more attention, you give it to her, and then lather, rinse, repeat the cycle of madness.

 

This doesn't really help either of you. I'd say she's not equipped to support you. For that, you've got to be selfless.

[marineguy]

Uh-huh. I'm going to ask you once again if you read what you wrote:She has needs. You're not meeting them. Her good intentions are great, until such time as her unmet needs become more important than her good intentions. Then she gets resentful, which baits you into releasing some of your pent up anger for the wrong reason. Then she comes back for a little more attention, you give it to her, and then lather, rinse, repeat the cycle of madness.

 

This doesn't really help either of you. I'd say she's not equipped to support you. For that, you've got to be selfless.

 

I totally understand what you're saying. I'm unclear as to what needs I'm not meeting now with the treatment and meds working well. I'm financially stable, have remained calm and not reacted to her when she lashes out at me or becomes distant. I've also helped her business a great deal recently.

 

Honestly I never asked her to support me, I just want her to be in my life and not act hot/cold.

 

I think she is just really unsure if I'll revert back to my past behaviors, she has done things this past week which she knows very well triggers me and I've kept my cool and plugged a long with treatment and work

 

Now she just literally texted me 5 minutes ago saying she had good news and wanted to meet for lunch near her office. I'm unsure if I should do this now even though I really want to see her.

 

She has made it clear she does not want to break up and see my treatment working consistently, I just feel like cutting her off completely after I was a terrible partner would further hurt her when she has stated she wants to see me well and have me when I'm well.

 

Since I was an abusive person I feel like I'd be cutting off a person who has stuck with me even I put her through some rough **** before I found a better treatment plan and meds.

 

One thing to note: I just texted her regarding the lunch meetup following a former case workers advice and told her I wanted space to focus on my business and deal with my PTSD. She freaked out screaming and crying that I used her to help me out of an emotional rut and now that my PTSD is showing signs of getting better now I'm leaving her.

 

Not the reaction I expected, I assured her that was not the case and that I loved her and said she could call me once she calmed down.

 

She said if I was not using her I would be able to meet her for lunch.

 

Not sure what to do now

Edited March 21, 2016 by marineguy

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, I have been on the receiving end of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It's great that you're seeking treatment and it shows signs of helping. But one week is nowhere near long enough to undo months of mistreatment. That takes a very, very long time. She might never be able to look at you the same way, if I'm being totally honest. Her memories of your abuse and anger are not going anywhere any time soon, even if she wants to forget. The scar that leaves is a deep one. I speak from experience.

 

Give her space. She was willing to see you and she now feels rejected, even if this came at the suggestion of a case worker. For her, it feels like a rejection. I suspect you'll hear from her in a little while, but in the end she is right: she will need to see changes over the long-term, not just seven days.

Edited March 21, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[marineguy]

OP, I have been on the receiving end of verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It's great that you're seeking treatment and it shows signs of helping. But one week is nowhere near long enough to undo months of mistreatment. That takes a very, very long time. She might never be able to look at you the same way, if I'm being totally honest. Her memories of your abuse and anger are not going anywhere any time soon, even if she wants to forget. The scar that leaves is a deep one. I speak from experience.

 

Give her space. She was willing to see you and she now feels rejected, even if this came at the suggestion of a case worker. For her, it feels like a rejection. I suspect you'll hear from her in a little while, but in the end she is right: she will need to see changes over the long-term, not just seven days.

 

Thank you for being honest and not attacking and labeling me a monster, I'm really sorry someone put you through what you went through. Your comment reminded me of an exercise I've been doing where I use the abuse and trauma I experienced to relate to my g/f (my victim)

 

I don't want her to feel, used, rejected or abandoned, I just want to love her in a way she can feel free and that I'm not going to try to control her or get physical.

 

I kinda now regret denying her lunch offer, I see she is trying to make this work and be there for me and share good moments which I never really entertained when we were living together.

 

I want her to get the space she needs but I think me pushing her away while I work on myself is further hurting her because it hurts me when she pushes me away.

 

Pushing her away was something I used for manipulation and control in the past which I have admitted to her recently. When she did not do what I wanted or would say something I did not like I would detach and leave to scare her into thinking I was going to cheat or leave her. That is essentially how I kept her captive in her mind so she had to walk on eggshells or I would cheat or leave. I want to avoid her feeling that is what I'm doing now.