Married man, relationship, life and morality and stuff...

[Quiet Storm]

Most kids lives don't improve after their parents split, unless it was a hostile, abusive situation. They cope because they have to. They get through it because they have no choice. But it is optimal to have both parents in the home, even if it's "mediocre" by your standards.

 

It's easy to say a childhood would've been better without bickering parents, but a mediocre model for a relationship is much better than what many kids of divorce face. The fact is, kids are self centered. They really don't care too much if their parents are affectionate or in love...they just want them there, to support, to encourage, to provide love and stability. It doesn't have to be a perfect marriage for kids to thrive and grow.

 

Kids of divorce often feel unimportant, helpless, torn, depressed and angry. They feel they have no control over their lives. They feel like afterthoughts on their parents quest for happiness. They have to deal with their parents new boyfriends/ girlfriends. One of a father's most important job is protecting his kids. Kids without fathers in the home are at a much greater risk of being sexually abused.

 

You imagine everything falling perfectly into place and the kids being better off... What if all goes as you plan and a year from now Mom's new boyfriend sexually abuses the kids (1 in 6 kids are sexually abused, so this is a real possibility)? What if the kids can't cope, and it leads them down a self destructive path such as cutting, eating disorders or drugs? What if splitting the income over two households results in a lower standard of living...maybe they can't afford sports, or piano lessons or have to move to a tiny apartment in a bad neighborhood?

 

It is selfish of you to think you know what's best for them. You don't.

 

I do agree with others that you are projecting your issues from childhood on this situation. You are in an unhappy relationship and you are looking for that lifeline, something to give you hope. You felt an attraction that people (both married and single), feel all the time. But you are assigning special meaning to it, when it's just typical attraction. You don't have to be a slave to those feelings. They are only as important as you build them up to be.

 

I also think you should get your meds stabilized before making any big changes in your life. Drugs are chemicals that can alter your feelings and thoughts, just like hormones and pheromones affect us. Sometimes a feeling is just a feeling- it doesn't mean you have to do something about it or take action.

 

Be introspective, get real with yourself. View this situation realistically, not through the filter of your messed up childhood. Focus on getting your depression and emotions under control. Work on making a decision about your relationship, regardless of this other guy. You don't need a soft spot to land. You don't need a prospect on the horizon. You don't need an attraction to another guy to escape your relationship. You can leave, be on your own and be OK.

Edited March 22, 2016 by Quiet Storm

[SweetiePi]

I will not lynch you. I am a person who also feels a lot of guilt and is constantly questioning what is moral. At the end of the, I have to live with my actions and thoughts.

 

My situation was similar to yours. Both him and I are unhappy in our marriages. Only difference, neither of us have young children. There is a strong chemical attraction between him and I. I saw him hurting and reached out to him. We became close friends. I have grown to love him deeply. As much as I adore him and how our friendship has grown to something beautiful and caring, it pains me at times that we are unable to hold each other and have a legitimate relationship. At the end of the day, all we can do now that we have allowed this closeness that is at times inappropriate, is to set up boundaries (such as not being alone with each other). Both him and I need to resolve our home situations regardless of the outcome the other has.

 

Since you brought up your bad relationship with you dad, consider that your attraction to this man might be dysfunctional and your way of finishing unfinished childhood business. I urge you do not reach out to him. Do not explore that attraction. There are children involved. Do you want to be the person that blows up their world... the person they blame.... Deal with and resolve your relationship first. Let him resolve his relationship whether he chooses to stay or not. If in he future you are both single, then that is fine to pursue.

Edited March 22, 2016 by SweetiePi

[Cymbeline]

Quiet Storm is right: all the research shows that children (older ones too) are damaged by divorce. Not just economically, but educational outcomes are worse and psychological issues very common. Not to mention problems with adult relationships later.

 

The only caveat is where the marriage is openly antagonistic and the parents quarrel and are constantly unpleasant to each other. Most marriages are not like that.

 

The refrain of 'children are resilient' is rubbish.

[minimariah]

Most kids lives don't improve after their parents split, unless it was a hostile, abusive situation. They cope because they have to. They get through it because they have no choice. But it is optimal to have both parents in the home, even if it's "mediocre" by your standards.

 

AWESOME post.

 

unless it's an abusive situation --- children are always better with both parents in one home.

[sandylee1]

I don't understand why anyone would actively seek out a married man.

 

.

 

Some women like the thought that they can sleep with another woman's husband. ... and he leaves wife and kids for her ..... it's .like a confidence booster of sorts. To be able to say he left his wife of 20 years and didn't care about seeing his kids part time or loosing assets because he fell in love with ME. You know because love conquers all.

 

I remember a true movie where I first saw the alienation of affection lawsuit. .... where this secretary set out to seduce her boss knowing fully well he was married.

 

Coworkers testified about how she would wear really short skirts, she started wearing contact lenses instead of her glasses, sitting on the edge of his desk, complementing /paying attention to her boss. ... until an affair ensued and he ultimately left his wife. They all noticed what she was up to.

 

Then she (OW) started saying how their marriage was already dead... until the BW produced evidence in the form of love letters from her WH ...... he testified in court that he was indeed happily married. .. and never had thoughts of divorce before

but started noticing the OW (when she ramped it up) then he fell in love with her.

 

It was a calculated plan from the time this OW finalised her own divorce to get this rather wealthy guy.

[jenkins95]

Hi Karys

 

Well done for finding LS and posting before you went any further with this. Credit to you for that! Many people (myself included) only come here when disaster has already struck and it's then about damage limitation. You don't appear to have stepped over any lines yet other than flirting, so it's great that you have come for advice now when you can put things right without causing significant damage.

 

I do know that you are confused and unsure and have all sorts of doubts about your future and what you want from life. I know it's horrible and I really do sympathise. But all I would say is that nearly everyone who has replied to your thread has been involved in some way or another with an affair, and the advice is almost universally telling you to stop it now. I agree 100% with this stance. Many of us have also been in your shoes. At the beginning when you feel that spark and have so much energy and excitement for this new person, you see the future possibilities simplistically and idealistically. It is quite normal - many of us here did that! But if you continued and if you really did make it your goal to make him exclusively yours, despite your BF and his wife and family, pain, frustration and devastation are almost certainly ahead of you for many people. Please, please stop now - for your own health, sanity and future. Something you said jumped out at me...

 

I get the impression that he isn't happy or fulfilled, they've been together a long time. I dunno what I think on this.

 

Having been stuck in that type of relationship before, I have sympathy with him. To me, it's a very bad idea to have children growing up witnessing even a mediocre relationship, as I don't think you should encourage them to think that is normal, or acceptable.

 

I think that you are jumping to huge conclusions here, Karys. How long have you known him? How deep have your conversations been regarding his marriage? Has he told you categorically that he is unhappy in his M, or is it just an "impression" that you get? When MMs want to flirt and pursue a potential OW, it is very easy for them to give this impression, even if they don't actually say it. Often just the fact that they hardly ever mention their W and family in your presence may give this impression. I know because I was in his shoes once, and I'm ashamed to say that I pushed my family to the back of my mind when I was with the OW. She may have thought I was unsatisfied at home and/or in an unhappy marriage, but the reality is that us guys are very good at compartmentalising. He may want just to flirt, he may want a relationship or he may just want to get you into bed, but whatever, you can be sure that, even without words, he will play down the importance of his family and be quite happy to let you think that he is unhappy if he is pursuing you in any way at all. Please don't believe it. Also, bear in mind anika's wise words: -

 

If you don't believe in staying in an unhappy relationship then you should never stay in an unhappy relationship but your beliefs don't entitle you to decide what is best for others. You want to break up the home of some innocent children because you imagine that would be best for them? You don't care what is best for them, you want their father and you are thinking about yourself. If you were so concerned about children being raised in unhappy homes you would have done something for all these poor children in the world before now.

 

......In any case I don't think you have really thought this through. You think you are going to walk away from your partner and then get this guy to walk away from his family and then the two of you will be happy together. That is so far from reality. If you did start a relationship with him that way it would be soooo toxic.

 

......You sound unhappy and you are looking for happiness in a taken man. That is a big mistake that will only result in even more unhappiness for you.

 

Yes. If you have problems in your own relationship, meeting this new guy will only confuse you further. Six years is a lot to just throw away. If you think here is any hope at all, end the affair now and try 100% to fix things with your BF. If it can't be fixed, walk away knowing that you have tried. Once thing is for certain - the closer you get to the new guy, the more your mind will skew your perceptions of your BF. It would be so much more convenient if you could see your relationship as dead so that you could pursue the new man, and your mind could twist it so that you believe this. Very dangerous ground. Stop the affair, deal with your primary relationship first, and only if you end that should you go anywhere near another potential partner again - and only if he is completely unattached.

 

Another great quote that you should read over and over again. And believe me, the author of this comment knows exactly what she's taling about (read her threads) as do the other posters: -

 

The affair hasn't even begun so there's hope for you to stop and run now. Read pages and pages of all of our stories throughout your week and use the painful experiences to help you not do it.

We all thought we were the exception and special and our stories and connections were unique.

Please help yourself to the examples of pain and make the right choice.

No shame in divorce if you need to leave.

But he has a family.

You have choices.

 

Karys, we are only being harsh because we have been burned ourselves and we see you standing on the edge of a chasm. We want to help save you from awful pain - that's why our advice is so strong and forceful. Please step away from the edge and head back in the other direction. I know how difficult it is when you feel that spark with someone, but please do it now. You won't believe the world of pain that could lie ahead if you let curiosity and recklessness take over you.

 

Keep posting here. LS is a great resource. Welcome to LS! I wish you only the very best.

[Liam1]

Kary:

 

The fact that you are attracted to someone else so deeply does indeed indicate there is a problem in you marriage.

 

You also already mentioned that you are unhappy in the marriage and are thinking of divorcing. So, marriage counseling might help but based on your post it seems unlikely that marriage counseling would change your mind and improve your marriage.

 

If you divorce, your decision should not be because you met another man and then left the marriage for this man.

 

It would be far healthier if you divorced first and then began dating single available men.

 

Maybe this married man would leave his wife for you, but then again, maybe not.

 

If you are looking to remarry why waste your time dating a married man with the hope that he will eventually leave his wife and marry you.

 

It seems as if you are jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

 

You deserve better.

Edited March 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[georgia girl]

Karys,

 

I hope I can help you to see that your musings have a very self-destructive element to them. Imagine that your best friend told you that she was going on this fabulous trip. She didn't know how long it would last or what the outcome would be, but that she had a pretty good idea it wouldn't be forever and that the outcome may in fact actually be pretty bad. That she may lose a part of herself on this trip and that the struggle to get that part of herself back could be incredibly painful. That she had a huge risk of getting her heart broken and that the very likely outcome in taking this trip would be that friendships would be damaged, her career could be harmed and that she and potentially her family wouldn't see her in the same way. (I would emphasize that the people who truly love you will always love you and I don't think your friend would be jeopardizing that. Just perhaps their respect.)

 

Imagine that she told you all of this and that she would be risking her health and her own belief system as well. Would you encourage your friend to take this trip? Or would you believe that on some subconscious level she was deliberately sabotaging her own life?

 

A bunch of strangers on a website can all tell you this is a bad idea and many of them stood in your shoes. They are telling you from their experience how awful it was and how if they could, they would go back and not take the same trip you are contemplating. Please, please, please read all of the stories on here for your own sake.

 

Also, and I say this gently but also honestly, please consider the pain you would be inflicting on others by taking this course of action. Nearly every person out there who is going to cheat is going to talk about how bad their spouse is or how bad/unappealing their relationship has become. It doesn't give them or you an excuse to hurt another party beyond words. No betrayed spouse nor children deserve that kind of pain. It's a deliberate course of action to hurt another person. It isn't simply the married person's "crime." It takes two. Walk away. And if he pushes it, say no. It may feel like you're unfairly denying yourself, but in truth, it's that you are respecting and valuing yourself. There's no greater self gift you can give.