zimperson Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Sorry if this ends up being long. This is my first time posting here and I need advice on something that's been going on for quite a bit. I'm 19, my boyfriend (let's call him Marcus) is 18 and we've been dating for about 7 months exclusively so far, and I've only met him a month before we dated. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, I already knew he had a female best friend of 4 years (let's call her Anna). They've never been romantically involved and my boyfriend says he's never had feelings for her. He claims that their friendship is like brother and sister, but he has many other female friends and no other friendship makes me feel like this one does. I have mixed views about opposite sex friends being "best friends" because my last relationship ended with my ex sleeping with one of our mutual friends who was actually close to me. I accepted my current boyfriend having a female friend since I had no reason (at the moment we began dating) to be insecure and after all, I try to keep an open mind about opposite sex friends since I have them as well. Over the course of our first 4-5 months, an accumulation of things that he's said about her has cranked up my insecurity, angered, and hurt me. I'll try to keep these little things short and chronological. The first day I meet Anna in person (sometime within the first month of us dating), I'm already at Marcus's house and she comes over so we can all watch a movie. So as we start watching the movie, he tries to cuddle both of us. That doesn't fly with me, so I managed to get him to cuddle only me for the rest of the movie. Also within the first month, we were having a conversation that led to him telling me that my body is "eh." It takes huge cut at my self esteem. Within that same month, he talks about how Anna thinks she's ugly or whatever because she has depression/anxiety, and how he disagrees because "she's hot." Fast forward to around November, and he reveals to me that around spring break time of last year (months before we met), Anna had sent him a nude and tried to sext him but he had turned her down as he had no interest in her that way and he already had his mind set on a girl he was dating. I would have let this go since it's in the past and I expect Anna has the common sense to not do it again now, but upon telling me this, he admitted he thought she was hot. Lastly, he told me he was gonna buy a vibrator for her because she wanted one. I told him no way in hell was that happening, and he fought and argued and even claimed I was "emasculating" him because I was telling him what he can and can't do, and that he thought it was totally okay because he doesn't see her as a sexual object. Most of these things are coming from Marcus, but Anna is also quite as oblivious as he is when it comes to boundaries (and she's quite immature). She brings up certain topics to Marcus that I don't want her to talk about, such as masturbation details, her period, anything to do with her vagina. Seriously, my boyfriend doesn't need to know that. He doesn't entertain those topics, but he doesn't shoot her down either and it took him like the 5-6 month to finally tell her that she's crossing boundaries. On top of that, she constantly brings up inside jokes between she and him when all three of us are talking and it makes me feel like I'M the third wheel. Let me make it clear that I do trust Marcus and that he is a genuine guy, but he is VERY oblivious. He forgets things very easily in general and he's always been a socially awkward person so I'm not excusing what he's said, but I can see how someone in their first serious relationship can make these mistakes. Anyway, so I snapped around the winter break time and these situations have been argued pretty much for about two months straight. I was livid every time we argued, asking him if he has a thing for her, why did he say those things, and I even told him that if he doesn't figure out and set his boundaries, I'm walking out. He's cried a lot from the argument and now if I even bring up something related to this, he cries. He eventually brought up these issues to Anna and she kind of seemed to brush it off a bit since I guess this is her way of dealing with it and she hasn't directly contacted Marcus since he brought it up. His female friend and I get along fine and sometimes talk in a private chat just us two, but I can't help but feel some resentment towards her because of my boyfriend and that it probably hasn't even crossed her mind that just /maybe/ talking about certain things with my boyfriend and excluding me with inside jokes will anger and make me uncomfortable. A lot has cooled down in the past several weeks, but the frequent arguments have made him scared to talk to Anna now and it stresses him out if I even bring up her name. He's expressed to me last week that he doesn't even want to talk to her anymore because of the remorse he feels and he just feels plain uncomfortable talking to her. So essentially, he made the decision to not talk to her anymore. That's fine by me. He brought it upon himself and he could have stayed friends with her if he hadn't made such awkward remarks. But the thing is that he doesn't plan on telling her that he no longer wants to talk to her and he says he's not going to remove her on social media. So not telling her is my problem here; He never asserts himself in this situation and leaves too much wiggle room. I honestly just want this ripped off like a band-aid. I think he needs to get some closure with her and then not contact her. Should I just leave it like it is? I think it would be too much if I asked him to get closure and then cut complete contact since he already decided not to talk to her, but I'm just bothered a bit that he's leaving contact open. What should I do? Should I even do anything?
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