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I don't wanna get hurt again.How can I keep from being worried in my new relationshp?

Flower1212

By Flower1212
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Flower1212 Member

Flower1212

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I have constant paranoia in my new relationship. We have been together for 5 months (almost 6) and we are happy so far, he already is planning our 1 year anniversary date/trip. My new boyfriend Ryan lives 45 mins away and he will be moving near me in 5 months when his lease is up and he already got hired at his new job in my town as well...its perfect so far. But im still paranoid.....

 

Back story:

 

I am always scared that what happened in my last relationship will happen again in my new one. My last relationshop was a LDR. My ex bf Kevin lived 6 hours away from me (we met online) we got along well and skyped every night and really fell for eachother,he was christian and so was I we agreed on almost everything, and though we did move a bit too fast it was wonderful... to the point where he came to see me three times in the 6 months we dated for a week at a time, And then two months later he drove me to see his family for 4 days, he told me he loved me and that i was perfect for him and he wanted me to be the one he married one day down the road. I felt the same. A few weeks after visiting his family he called me and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore and had no explination why. He said he thought he loved me but didnt and we broke off cold turkey that night. I was shocked because a few momths back i talked to him about taking it slow and he got teary eyed because he said he didnt want to lose me. Now I couldn't even get a reason why he wanted to leave. A month later i saw his profile pic and it was him holding a cute blond girl...i guess that was the reason.

 

Now the guy I'm with is amazing and sweet. We are in a serious relationship but are moving going slow. We dont text or talk on the pbone constantly as much as me and my ex did but in person we really care about each other and have lots of fun and connect . I feel so lucky. But im petrefied that if i continue to give my new bf the affection and love i did my ex he will abuse it. If my ex can drive hours to see me,wanna marry me one day and i met his family... and then he leaves me for no reason how can I expect my new bf not to do the same. ...how can i get rid of this fear? What do I do? I feel like giving up on him before it even starts.

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cjt1 New Member

cjt1

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In my opinion it seems like your last relationship started to go bad when you both consistently talked and I guess told each other how much you cared/loved each other etc. Im a guy and to be honest when we feel and hear how much a girl cares about you it's simply taken as two ways. 1 being like holy Moses she feels exactly how I do I've got her she's mine and all I want or in your ex's case decided to test the waters knowing that he had you to fall back on. So my opinion would to be either talk to your bf and make sure YOU are what he wants and ALL he wants or to just take things slow and make him to confess too you and if you are capable of making him do that then I'm sure you will be like the 1st option of guys perspectives haha. Hope everything works out for you and God bless (:

  • Like 1
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted

I know it can be hard to move on and get full release after you've been hurt and to be honest, most of us keep that pain for a long time. It does affect everything from that point on, especially when it comes to letting new people in. You have to remind yourself that these are two totally different people. The chances of the same thing happening are up there with both of them winning the lottery on the same day. I'm not saying that this new love won't be perfect, I'm sure like every relationship it will have it's ups and downs, but to presume and expect the worse based on your past is to damage something the could be wonderful before it's had a proper real chance to grow. You're remembering the past and focusing on the future. Think of the now and everything that is happening. Take each day as it comes and always always be open and honest if you have concerns. If he truly loves you then he will understand and be there for you. Also remember that the concerns you have are all yours, not his. He can't truly understand how you feel so don't project your issues on to him. And by that I mean, when people feel angry or hurt, they often take it out on the person closest to them, often when it's not their fault. You have worries based off the actions of one man from your past, and we should never let our past dictate our future.

  • Like 1
Toodaloo Established Member

Toodaloo

Posted
Posted

Not all men are the same.

 

Look around you. Look at your friends boyfriends and husbands. Look at your father, brother, cousins, uncles, grandfather, work collegues etc.

 

You will see that there are many really great men out there. If you don't want to stick with this one then you don't have to. If this one goes off and wants someone else it doesn't matter as there are more out there.

 

What is so wrong with being single? If you can give me an argument that is so totally against being single that I can not blow totally out of the water then I will take my hat off to you.

 

Relax.

 

Men are a nice pass time. If you don't find the one that is perfectly OK and if you do then they will enhance your life as you will theirs.

 

Quit defining yourself by who is on the end of your arm.

salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
I feel so lucky. But im petrefied that if i continue to give my new bf the affection and love i did my ex he will abuse it. If my ex can drive hours to see me,wanna marry me one day and i met his family... and then he leaves me for no reason how can I expect my new bf not to do the same. ...how can i get rid of this fear? What do I do? I feel like giving up on him before it even starts.

 

Here's the deal. You cannot give you heart and protect it at the same time. This is as fundamental as the old cliché, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Your capacity to love and be loved is equal to your ability to tolerate feelings of vulnerability. It's the same for everyone. You have to open up to let him in.

 

If these anxieties are merely passing moments of uneasiness then count yourself as one of the lucky ones. But if they're eating you alive then you may need to address the core issue––the fundamental belief in your own worthiness. Usually people who were loved and accepted as children, just for who they are, have a stable sense of self and few doubts that they are indeed lovable. Those who were abused or neglected or whose parents were unable to bond may have deficits that interfere with a solid belief in their own worthiness.

 

Observe your feelings and try to understand if you fully believe you are worthy of being loved. If you do then just smile at the anxieties as they pass overhead like puffy, white clouds on a sunny day. But if you're constantly, seriously fearful of being abandoned by anyone who gets a glimpse of the soft core behind the shiny facade, then find a good therapist and start dealing with the issue head on.

 

I am at the 6 month point in a wonderful new relationship as well. I had similar feelings at first, but they've mostly passed now. I was open with my girlfriend about having these feelings. She understood and confided that she had some of that too. Once I understood that she is loving/accepting me just for who I am, that she is authentic, that the attachment is mutual, the anxieties mostly subsided. The occasional little twinge... I smile as it passes knowing that this is the price of admission for being in a healthy, loving relationship.

 

I've dated several people since the divorce five years ago. I accept that most dates don't progress into relationships, and the most relationships don't last forever. Nevertheless, I am looking for the real deal, and I want it more than I'm afraid of it. My real fear is not finding it, therefore I tolerate the ups and downs.

 

How strong would you say the anxieties are? Do have a strong sense of worthiness?

  • Like 2
todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

Posted
Posted

hey flower...love is tricky ...there are no promises...no guarantees i can give you to help you feel like it wont happen again...because it could...all i can say is...do you fear him leaving so much that you would rather not have him in your life ...if this is the case you arent really ready for love yet with him....or probably any other guy...but...if you can say you would rather have him in your life and risk losing him by him walking away...then you are ready for love with him.....

 

 

love is meant to be a jump......a leap of faith..of trust....of honesty and sacrifice.......of loyalty in spite of the flaws you find in him later.....

 

 

if you are ready to stand beside him thick or thin...you are ready and you can do this......in spite of your worries...your worries are preferable than saying goodbye

 

 

.. jump in whole-heartedly never with half a heart....and dont look backwards ever again.....only forward....with him....this guy is not your ex.....give him that respect of being who you are really with now........deb.......

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted
I have constant paranoia in my new relationship. We have been together for 5 months (almost 6) and we are happy so far, he already is planning our 1 year anniversary date/trip. My new boyfriend Ryan lives 45 mins away and he will be moving near me in 5 months when his lease is up and he already got hired at his new job in my town as well...its perfect so far. But im still paranoid.....

 

Back story:

 

I am always scared that what happened in my last relationship will happen again in my new one. My last relationshop was a LDR. My ex bf Kevin lived 6 hours away from me (we met online) we got along well and skyped every night and really fell for eachother,he was christian and so was I we agreed on almost everything, and though we did move a bit too fast it was wonderful... to the point where he came to see me three times in the 6 months we dated for a week at a time, And then two months later he drove me to see his family for 4 days, he told me he loved me and that i was perfect for him and he wanted me to be the one he married one day down the road. I felt the same. A few weeks after visiting his family he called me and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore and had no explination why. He said he thought he loved me but didnt and we broke off cold turkey that night. I was shocked because a few momths back i talked to him about taking it slow and he got teary eyed because he said he didnt want to lose me. Now I couldn't even get a reason why he wanted to leave. A month later i saw his profile pic and it was him holding a cute blond girl...i guess that was the reason.

 

Now the guy I'm with is amazing and sweet. We are in a serious relationship but are moving going slow. We dont text or talk on the pbone constantly as much as me and my ex did but in person we really care about each other and have lots of fun and connect . I feel so lucky. But im petrefied that if i continue to give my new bf the affection and love i did my ex he will abuse it. If my ex can drive hours to see me,wanna marry me one day and i met his family... and then he leaves me for no reason how can I expect my new bf not to do the same. ...how can i get rid of this fear? What do I do? I feel like giving up on him before it even starts.

 

You need to understand that your ex and this new guy are completely different people and it's unfair of you to assign Ryan Kevin's baggage for Ryan to sort. If you're this messed up around what Kevin did, then you're not emotionally ready to be in any relationship with anyone yet. You clearly still have some processing and resolving you need to be doing if the above is your thought process.

 

Kevin was shady a.f.; he lied in your face while chasing another girl. The whole fact of him going at break-neck speed was one huge red flag. He manipulated you with tears when you reasonably requested for him to slow his roll.

 

Ryan has a job lined up in your town. Kevin didn't do that. Also, a 45 minute drive is nothing compared to a 6 hour drive. Ryan can see you far more often than Kevin could. I mean, it's great he's moving to your town, but a 45 minute drive is nothing these days, unless you're going by horse and buggy.

  • Like 2
contel3 Established Member

contel3

Posted
Posted

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you saw Kevin for a total of 4 weeks over the 8 months you were dating?

 

You probably see your new boyfriend a lot more. When you're long distance it's very easy to get blindsided. In real life you will be able to pick up the signs a lot more easily. Don't stress yourself out over this.

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