TextnHate Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 So my wife and I have been married for alittle over 5 years and dated for 4 years prior. These last 5 months have been very stressful on our marriage. Neither one of us was very happy. Basically what has happened is I work alot. I drive a semi during the day and my brother and I own a video production company which I spend nights and weekends doing. This has taken alot of time away from the family. She has constantly complained about how I don't give enough attention to her and our 2 year old son. So last MOnday **** hit the fan and she said she wanted a divorce. She stayed home a few days and we slept in separate rooms. Well she started leaving at night and I was alittle suspicious cause that is not like her. Friday night she texted me asking if I was going to be home and I said Yes. Well she never came home and came strolling in at 7am Saturday morning. As you would assume I asked if there was another guy and she said yes. Now of course I have like the biggest emotional meltdown. She was very stern on saying she just started talking to this guy two days after she said she wanted the divorce. She wont tell me who he is or how she met him. Im guessing its someone from work but she swears its not. She also said that her wanting a divorce has nothing to do with this other guy. I talked to my dad about it and he said she is probably just eating up the positive attention from this new guy and covering up the hurt. I asked my therapist the same thing and she said probably. Its been a nightmare all week. Like when im at work I cant stop thinking about this other guy, its consuming me. I can handle her wanting to divorce me for not giving her the attention she needed but another guy two days later is just to much. She claims the issues started when my son was born. I honestly cant even think of why she would think that. I know the last year has been bad cause my company has gotten so busy. I just dont know. Im still living in our apartment with my wife and son. She said I can take time to move out and there isnt a rush. Now we separated 4 years ago for separate issues which lasted for 3 months. She came back saying she missed me. Now when she came back she ended up telling me she wished I would of tried harder to save the marriage like sending her flowers or writing letters while she was gone. So now im in that boat wondering if I should try stuff or let it go. Last night we sat down and talked, I basically told her I understand but just cant handle another guy. She rolled her eyes and said I would be just upset if it happened now or a month from now. She said she doesnt want it to work and has 0 fight in her for the marriage. My best guess is just to get out quickly as possible. I dont know im so lost.
WomenWubber Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 She has left the marriage. She should be the one to leave the marital home unless the apartment is hers. Before you do anything else, talk to an attorney and get a game plan for divorce. I'm sorry you have to deal with this crap. 6
SSJROMANCE Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 It doesn't smell right to me. She finds a guy 2 days after she says she wants a divorce? I find that extremely hard to believe but now it complicates things. Are you wiling to give up the production company if she agrees to work things out? Is there any compromise left in her? I suspect she has been seeing this other guy prior to letting you know she wants a divorce and that tells me she has no respect for you. If that is true then you don't have many options. 4
MightyPen Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 It doesn't smell right to me. She finds a guy 2 days after she says she wants a divorce? I find that extremely hard to believe but now it complicates things. Are you wiling to give up the production company if she agrees to work things out? Is there any compromise left in her? I suspect she has been seeing this other guy prior to letting you know she wants a divorce and that tells me she has no respect for you. If that is true then you don't have many options. Yeah, I second this. She's had something going on with him for some time, no doubt. Tell HER to leave. There is no reason for you to leave your home. Why in the hell would you be the one to leave?? 3
d0nnivain Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 How old is your son? If she's getting custody & her leaving the apartment could mean he has to change schools, that becomes a factor in who leaves & who stays. I otherwise echo what other's have said. This guy was in the picture long before she dropped the bomb on you. Because he exists I don't think flowers or a poem will fix this. Sorry.
PegNosePete Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 If you believe her story that this guy only came on the scene after she said she wanted a divorce, I have a bridge to sell you. But it's really a bit irrelevant. She has made it clear that the marriage is over. There is nothing you can do except to get the best possible divorce settlement that you can - which of course, means the least bad divorce settlement. DO NOT move out! DO NOT sleep on the sofa / spare bed! She is the one who wants the divorce, let her be the one to leave. See a lawyer ASAP!!! You can't avoid the coming storm. All you can do is batten down the hatches and brace for impact. Cancel all joint credit cards and any access that she has to your money. Do not give her any money or pay any bills for her. If she wants to be divorced then make her live like a financially independent divorced woman. 2
amaysngrace Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 She sounds like a serial cheat to me. And an attention whore. Call a lawyer. 3
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) I'm sorry, brother. Just about everything I'm about to say has already been said, but it bears repeating. She wont tell me who he is or how she met him. That's because she's more interested in protecting him than your marriage. That tells you everything you need to know. She also said that her wanting a divorce has nothing to do with this other guy. That's bullsh*t, of course. It has everything to do with this guy, and now she's rewriting history to make you the villain because she sure as hell doesn't want to fill that role. Im still living in our apartment with my wife and son. She said I can take time to move out and there isnt a rush. Hell to the no. Starting right now flip that around and ask her when she's moving out. She wants to choose this path? She's the one who gets inconvenienced by it. There may well be legal reasons not to move out, too. Lawyer up, pronto. It may not feel like it now, but you can handle this. Edited February 10, 2016 by GorillaTheater 6
GorillaTheater Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 Oh, and another thing. If you follow our advice not to move out, things will likely get uglier. Start carrying a voice-activated recorder (VAR) with you whenever it's even possible you may be around her. Available pretty cheap at WalMart or Best Buy. Use long-lasting batteries. 4
Author TextnHate Posted February 10, 2016 Author Posted February 10, 2016 Ok I left some parts out. We are both moving out but she is just waiting till I do. She can't afford the place by herself. I guess I could stay but I think the memories and loneliness of my family not in there with me would be to much. She would sleep on the coach if I said so but I don't, I really don't mind. My son is only 2 and I know he knows something is wrong. He said yesterday when I got home " daddy home, mommy home, I'm happy". I starting balling like a baby. But as far as the divorce we are civil. We are not fighting at all. My guess is with this other guy is that he was just someone at work she was attracted to and now started perusing it. It's all speculation.
testmeasure Posted February 10, 2016 Posted February 10, 2016 (edited) It's critical that you talk to a lawyer before anyone moves anywhere. You need to talk to a lawyer in your county, who is familiar with the local courts and judges. The critical issue is your son. A lot of states will give the guy as much as 50% of the time with the child these days. You may have to do some very quick thinking about how much time you want and how you work it with your schedule. Your son is younger, so there's a chance the divorce itself won't effect him as much. He's going to need his dad. This may be 1 in a long string of guys the mom goes through. Your son needs a good father as a good role model. Anyway, the first thing is you need to talk to a lawyer, figure out what's possible and from that, what you actually want and can manage. Do you need to ask for as many weekends and holidays as you can possibly get because you're busy every other time? The faster you can figure out what you want, the better. Here's why: Different combinations of people moving can dramatically effect the custody outcome. If you don't have much history of caring for the child or spending time with the child, and she moves out, takes the child and months later when it's finally in the court, you haven't seen the child for months, that establishes a very bad "status quo" (current situation). The courts place value on the "status quo" because it's what the child is used to. So, the longer you and the child live together and the more time you spend with the child, the easier it is to get that much time going forward. Suppose you could actually work it so that you stall, keep everyone in the apartment, and you take care of the kid all weekend, every weekend while she's out having her new fun. Document it with photos with a date time stamp turned on and a journal. Suppose you hold that situation together right up till you're in court for the temporary custody orders, then go in there and show the court with your documentation that you've been taking care of the kid every weekend, all weekend, then say that is what he is used to, so you feel it is in the child's best interest to maintain that schedule going forward. That's a very powerful argument to the court. If the mom wants something different than what is currently happening, she has to have very strong reasons why it's in the child's best interest to change what the child is used to. If you haven't been in the kid's life much, and you let the mom move out and take the kid, and you haven't even seen the kid for a while, when you go into that temporary custody hearing, you're in the opposite situation. The mom will argue the kid is used to being with her, and it's in the child's best interest not to change that in the middle of a divorce. It puts you in a position where you have to give strong reasons why it's in the child's best interest to change things and give you more time than you've had in the past. There may be other ways of going about this that an attorney could tell you. For example, if it's inevitable that you all are moving out, then maybe at least before that happens, the two attorneys can work up a parenting schedule that both of you sign. The point being, you need to figure how much time you want to and can manage to spend with the kid. Then you need to start doing as close to exactly that as soon and as much as you can while documenting it. And keep and preserve that situation however you can. That way she's the one who has to give good reasons why things would need to be different. By the way, some weight is given to who has the marital residence that the child is accustomed to. Even if she's very amicable about the child and lets you spend as much time as you want, I'd still favor figuring out what you want and can manage and start doing exactly that, on that schedule and document it. Maybe it's as simple as that and she just lets you do it because she wants you a part of the kids life. And then maybe it hits the courts and gets finalized that way. If so, that's easy, simple, and great. She cheated on you in the marriage. So, I'm considering it up in the air as to how she is going to behave with the child. It's fine to hope for the best, but in a divorce you also need to prepare for the worst. So I wrote most of this from the prepare for the worst perspective. I'm not a lawyer and this isn't legal advice. It's just opinion from personal experience or whatever. My personal experience does include a divorce with a young child around that age. . Edited February 10, 2016 by testmeasure 1
oldshirt Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 -Take this seriously and get a lawyer to protect your assets, property and access to your child. - In addition to the bridge mentioned up above, I have some great swamp land to sell you at a great price if you believe she only met this guy after she announced her desire to divorce. - But even if she did meet him the next day, it doesn't matter, she is digging in and continuing her involvement with him and continuing her exit plan, so it really doesn't matter if she met him the next day or has been living a double life with him for the last year, what you need to do is the same either way and that is get a lawyer and start circling your wagons in preparation for a divorce immediately. - get a lawyer and get busy protecting yourself and protecting your assets and protecting your access to your child. All other things can wait. - and yes, if she is the one that wants out and wants a divorce, then she is the one that moves out and does the heavy lifting. - if she ever wants back - she does the heavy lifting. 1
testmeasure Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I 2nd Old Shirt's post. - Get an attorney. Consult some. Pick one. Do it NOW.
PegNosePete Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 We are both moving out but she is just waiting till I do. Why is she waiting? What if, after you move out, she decides to file for maintenance pending suit, and stays in the house? If I were you I would not press matters regarding the new guy. Simply let that be. It is not in your interests to try to break them up or make any kind of waves. In fact their relationship could potentially improve your divorce settlement. As has been stated, lawyer up ASAP!
elaine567 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Women who leave marriages often have thought long and hard for weeks, months or even years before. By the time they tell their partner they are usually done and often over it too. I do not know if she had been cheating on you for a long time or once she told you the divorce was through, she simply took some guy up on his offer - no idea, but as Oldshirt says it is irrelevant to the situation you find yourself in. Your finances going forward and your son need to be your focus now. What you do now, may have a huge effect on your future life, try to think carefully and logically. 1
Wheremyheartis Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 Talk to a lawyer right away. Especially regarding your son.
basil67 Posted February 11, 2016 Posted February 11, 2016 I agree that you should speak to your lawyer. As far as who should leave the house.....your child's needs trump both you and your wife's needs. Your child will suffer enough with a marriage breakdown, so don't compound it by ripping his place of residence away from him too. At least give him time to adjust before going that route.
RocketRace Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Sounds to me like you need to pay her more attention. Your wife needs your attention. All of it. What makes you think you can work so hard and ignore your wife? I know this sounds harsh - but women need to be cherished and cared for. Someone told me once that you need to tell your wife everyday that you love her. Just say it. She needs to hear it. That's how women are made up. Attention from their husbands is everything. If you are not that interested in her anymore then you have probably answered your own question. Forgive her for seeing someone else. The only way to happiness is to continually forgive your spouse. Lavish her with love and she will respond. The last thing you want to do is get all bent up and twisted with hurt, hate and revenge. This won't help you. Forgiveness can be very difficult. However - letting it go is the best thing you can do. If you really want to be married to her and love her - then show her your love - and not just for another few weeks or months - forever. Unconditional love. It's a big ask yes? In marriage we don't deserve each other and when affairs happen or strife happens we are usually reacting out of hurt. Couples will always hurt each other. The successful marriage is the couple who continually forgive time and time again and step up and make the effort to go over and above to show their love for their spouse. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Talk to a lawyer right away. Especially regarding your son. I agree. And make it clear to your wife that the OM is NOT to be around your young son!
ChickiePops Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 So if you worked days, nights, and weekends..when did you see your wife and son? When did she see her friends or have any sort of life outside of your house or her job? I'm not saying she should be excused for cheating, which I think she did..but you are making yourself sound pretty bad too.
MJJean Posted February 17, 2016 Posted February 17, 2016 Yeah, I second this. She's had something going on with him for some time, no doubt. Doubt. First, some people decisively end a relationship and move on immediately. Especially if they have been detaching for some time before they make the decision to end it. Second, it's really easy for a woman to get a date. Third, she openly admitted she was seeing someone, rather than try to hide it. Not saying she wasn't seeing this guy before, but it's certainly possible she wasn't. OP, you split up before. She gave your marriage another chance. She came back and you didn't make her and your child a priority. She decided she wants a divorce. She started dating. If you want to save the marriage, you can try to do the things she needs you to do. Just understand that it might be too late.
Author TextnHate Posted March 7, 2016 Author Posted March 7, 2016 OK little update after a month of this nightmare. Now It seems I made myself sound pretty bad. Let me state I had been trying to help our relationship these last five months. She wanted to move back to her home town to be by her family and I agreed. I stepped away from my company alot to focus more on our family. It obviously was to late. Anyways she still seeing this new guy. She stays with him on the weekends. We are still living together till April 1st. She is moving in with family and I am moving in a rental house. The first two weeks were horrendous. Alot of crying and just living in a nightmare state. These last two weeks have been alittle easier. My friends have been taking real good care of me and it defiantly helps. Now my wife and I have mutual friends who did confirm this guy is really new. She only met him a day after she told me she wanted a divorce. Now I still dont know who he is and how she met him but I guess it doesnt really matter. My wife and I dont talk alot and when we do its about our son or she bitching at me about something stupid. Example is I go to the gym everyday after work for a hour and she bitched at me for two days about it. Saying im only thinking of myself and I need to be coming straight home after work to spend time with our son. Now when I do get home my son and I are together till he goes to sleep and we spend every morning together eating breakfast and watching cartoons. This is pretty unreal. The weekends are the hardest cause I take our son and stay with friends on the weekend cause I dont want to stay in the apartment. This last Friday I told her since our break up I havent slept with anyone. She asked why I was even telling her this cause she doesnt care. Now I shouldnt of said that but I just felt she should know. She then proceeded to tell me she hasnt even thought about it once and doesnt care what I do. I said thats good to know and walked away. I heard her call my name in sort of a shameful way. She then proceeded to be really nice to me for the next fifteen minutes. Complimenting me on my appearance and just being really nice. Now why she decided to be nice I dont know. Maybe cause she didnt want me feeling like ****, maybe cause she does really care and doesnt want me going out screwing other girls. Anyways, my new life starts April 1st. The struggle has been real and I know I got some hard times ahead. Thanks for listening guys.
whichwayisup Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Bull crap!!! She has lied to mutual friends about the timing of her meeting this new guy. No way did she 'just' happen to meet him and date him so quickly after mentioning the D bomb to you. Again, don't let this new guy/OM around your kid. 3
road Posted March 7, 2016 Posted March 7, 2016 Ok I left some parts out. We are both moving out but she is just waiting till I do. She can't afford the place by herself. I guess I could stay but I think the memories and loneliness of my family not in there with me would be to much. She would sleep on the coach if I said so but I don't, I really don't mind. My son is only 2 and I know he knows something is wrong. He said yesterday when I got home " daddy home, mommy home, I'm happy". I starting balling like a baby. But as far as the divorce we are civil. We are not fighting at all. My guess is with this other guy is that he was just someone at work she was attracted to and now started perusing it. It's all speculation. WW is never moving out. This because as soon as you move out WW is moving in the OM. 1
aliveagain Posted March 8, 2016 Posted March 8, 2016 Please read up on the 180 and implement it immediately. Give her what she wants, you can't make someone love you, at least now you know where you stand with her. There are things worse then divorce, sharing your wife with another man is one of them.You are and always will be your child's father but that doesn't mean you have to be her friend so make that clear to her fast. Protect yourself, get a lawyer, change your finances, don't make her affair a good place. Start your own life now, you don't need to be home to babysit while she goes off to have porn star sex with the other man, she can pay for a babysitter because you have commitments. Let her see what real life without you is like, let other man POS pay for a babysitter. Take her off all your banking, credit cards and make sure she doesn't rack up a ton of debt and leave you hanging with it. Let the other man have your leftovers, she's tainted now and you deserve better and trust me friend there are a lot of beautiful trustworthy women out there just waiting to meet a guy like you.
Recommended Posts