Dumped but she misses me

[AdventurousDan]

I'm 49 she's 40. Her past includes abuse as a teenager and she ended her ended after 14 years due to an abusive ex. He has had zero contact with his children. She is the sole provider for a 6 yo girl and two teen boys.

 

We dated for almost 6 months. She professed her love for me and we entered a committed relationship at the 2 to 3 month mark.

 

Our work and parenting duties made getting together difficult although she put in a tremendous effort. I took that as a very positive sign. We never argued, I thought everything was going well except once early on she had some doubts because our lives are different in that I have money and a supportive ex wife to co-parent, she doesn't. She shut down, until I went to her and chatted about the issue. She told me she shuts down on people to avoid conflict. I told her I didn't care how much money she had ( I don't). She began to chase me a lot at the 2 month mark.

 

Valentines Day was wonderful, we spent it with our daughters, she made me two very thoughtful and meaningful gifts.

 

3 days later, she cancels our date says "My boys need their mom tonight, maybe we can get together this weekend". I heard nothing from her for 5 days so I texted asking what why............she sent me an email basically telling me she had harbored bad feelings about some things I had said during our relationship and they stuck with her. She is unable to forgive and forget. She mailed me my house key with a short letter saying she was letting go of the relationship. She also said she was going to return the gift I had given her.

 

I waited a few days and texted her that I wanted to return the gifts she made because they didn't represent in my heart what I felt she intended. If I threw them out, it felt like an angry move, which I'm not - just extremely sad and disappointed. So, on the prearranged time, she invited me in to talk and we ended up having a meaningful conversation that ended with her in my lap kissing me. She then asked if we could talk some more. I responded yes, and we made plans for 3 days later. She brought up that there was nobody else in the picture. The day before we were to meet, she texted and asked if we could postpone 2 days because her boss needed to meet and she had family coming that evening and wanted to "ensure we had ample adult time and not leave anything open ended". Two days later she calls me and is very sick, coughing etc. I know for a fact she was very sick. I asked her if she regretted kissing me because I had gotten a sore throat and might have given it to her. Her reply was "No I miss you". We made plans for 3 days later. On that day, she cancels because her kids are home sick with the flu. (I noted this as true as she put up some FB posts).

 

I waited a few days and left her a voice mail. She texted me back and said "The reason I didn't call back was because I didn't know how to tell you I don't want a relationship".

 

Sooooooo That evening, I bring her stuff over to her unannounced and she invites me into her office and with tears in her eyes says "I don't know what to say". I said you don't need to say anything, I love you, I think you are incredible and I'd love to date you. If you change your mind, please call me. She said OK and I walked out.

 

I know I can't force someone to talk to me. I know I messed up my side of the communication, I didn't see her signals. My opinion is that she is pulled by being 100% of the parent (which I would love to be a part of) and feels guilty to her children by being in a relationship. She also suffers from low-self esteem based on her history, although that is just my theory. I think she has trust issues with the men in her life, and as soon as she doesn't get validation she runs before she gets hurt for fear of being betrayed again. That is the furthest thing from my mind, I am family oriented, have a career and truly desire to build a relationship.

 

I've been in NC since a week ago after returning her things. I'm miserable inside and love the girl even though I don't love the situation. However, I always looked at the situation as temporary since our kids will be adults in 4 years except for her youngest.

 

I know I can't force her to talk with me. I do believe she misses me and is overwhelmed with her situation and felt she needed to choose her kids over a relationship even though I'd love to be a part of her family she doesn't believe it based on her past.

 

If nothing else, I'd like to know what I messed up so I don't repeat the same mistakes with my next partner.

 

I've been dumped before and I've also done the dumping. I truly love this girl and I believe she feels the same (cliche' I know)

 

Any harm in contacting her? How long of a NC before I attempt? I know the standard is 30 but I feel like this situation is different. After a week, she was missing me and wanted to talk more then did another about-face.

[rbrt1986]

Never. Contact. Her. Again.

[Elsy]

It seems as though she pulls you back in just enough to ease her own pain and for reassurance that you are missing her. But then she quickly remembers that she doesn't want you for whatever her reasons are. I know, I have done this to my ex, and it's not fair.

 

She probably needs significant help overcoming the effects of abuse. And rbrt1986 is right, let it go.

[Satu]

You can be sure that she did a lot of thinking and explored her feelings deeply before she made her decision.

 

A person doesn't make that kind of decision overnight.

 

Nor do they change their mind overnight.

 

Don't contact her for the moment.

[Zahara]

Any harm in contacting her?

 

Absolutely. If you want to dig into your wound then yes, the harm is you hurting yourself again. Accept her decision.

 

How long of a NC before I attempt?

 

You don't attempt it. NC is to help you heal and move on. If anyone is responsible for fixing this, she needs to be the one to reach out.

 

After a week, she was missing me and wanted to talk more then did another about-face.

 

She's the kind that rubberbands. Wants you when you're not there. Doesn't want you when you're there. It's dysfunctional. Stay NC and keep moving forward.

[mightycpa]

What makes you think you did something wrong? Even if you did, what kind of relationship can't weather somebody doing something wrong?

 

She has doubts because your lives are different, she gets annoyed by something won't discuss it, won't let it go, uses it as a pretext to dump you, tells you by message rather than face to face, too cowardly to tell you to take a hike, trust issues, blah, blah, blah.

 

And all that is from the mouth of the guy who loves her. Imagine what the rest of us might have to say if we knew her.

 

You really ought to examine the source of your infatuation with someone like this.

[thespacey1]

Ok, I'm going against the grain, so don't shoot me.

 

But people are always so quick to say "don't contact him/her ever again, Move on," etc. Is that really always the best next step...? Maybe he is the right balance for her. It seems like men like the chase and especially if a woman doesn't have malicious intentions, is she so bad? Does her pulling back make her unlovable.

 

I'm coming from this angle mainly because she sounds like lots of women /good women who just require a man who has patience. Like I said before perhaps OP is a nice balance for her. I do not think the best protocol has to always be, "don't call,not contact,abandon all options,etc.

 

OP, I say go with your gut on this. She seems worth a bit more patience... Like I said guys, don't shoot me.

Edited March 25, 2016 by thespacey1