Almond_Joy Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 They are new parents. It is common for new parents to have diminished sexual interest with each other. Understandable, and if that was the only behavior being witnessed, it would be unfair to think badly of the guy. The fact that he had 'wilder' sex with previous partners is not necessarily a good reason to break up with someone. In fact, the more typical instance of this type of thing is the wife having wild sex with jocks/thugs, but giving vanilla sex to husband. That is suboptimal, but would LS posters suggest the wife do all her previous dirty acts with her husband, or alternatively tell the husband to leave her? I think most suggestions would be for the guy to get over it and concentrate on his children. I didn't bring up the variety of the sex prior to the relationship, as that seems irrelevant to this. The guy is particularly commenting on her physical body, and has expressed a preference for something that she is likely physically incapable of attaining (thigh gap). What is the benefit of telling your partner that you wish they had something that they don't ? Your partner, at this point, is hearing that you'll never be happy with their body.....how is that not hurtful? There's no positive intent behind saying something like this. I go back to her statement that he does tell her she is sexy, she just doesn't believe it. Or doesn't believe he finds her 'sexy enough.' Would you believe a partner that says you're sexy once in a while but regularly refuses to have sex with you and comments on sexual attraction to a body type you don't have? It's the combination of these behaviors in addition to the possible "new parent low libido" that paints the picture of this guy being inconsiderate. It's not just that he doesn't want sex, which in and of itself isn't something he can help. He's got the mother of his child throwing herself at him, basically begging for sex, and all he can think to do is refuse her and remind her he's not particularly attracted to her (at a time when she is already sensitive about her body with post-baby weight). This alone shows him to be highly inconsiderate at best. This here: I didn't go looking for an ex. He f*cked his best friend for 3 years as a FWB. She's still around. Is what seals the nail in the coffin for him being a jerk. You don't keep socializing with an ex who actively disrespects your current relationship by bringing up your partner's sexual preferences or activities, which I imagine is what the ex-FWB brought up that was so uncomfortable. That's a clear sign of disregard for the relationship he has with OP, it's pretty likely she's done this before, and the bf does not address it. He's a jerk.
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 He found you sexy at 120-lbs but not at 130-lbs ? Not sure I understand his problem. Is it because you now have a baby-tummy? How old is your child? He would like you to lose 10-lbs. That's nothing to cry for. Just watch your portions and walk each night, you'll lose that in 30 days. It's ok to tell our partner he/she gained weight and we are being bothered by it, It's smart of him to mention this at 10 extra pounds and not 50. 1
GunslingerRoland Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 So your weight went up what, 8% after having a baby and he doesn't find you attractive anymore? Yeah I don't think he has a realistic expectation of what women look like. Thigh gaps are something that 18 year old girls have... not grown women.
Almond_Joy Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 He says he does, but I don't think he does. I'm 24, 5'2 and 130lb. I need to lose some weight, I'm going to work on it. I was 120 before I had a baby. This isn't exactly relevant, but I'm only 2 inches taller than you. I would LOVE to be your weight right now. I started gaining weight gradually about 4 years ago. A healthy weight for me is 135. I'm currently hovering around 165. I get it. It feels unnatural, nothing you own fits right lol. Most men I've encountered consider me average weight for my height right now. When I was your weight they thought I was a stick. I'm telling you, you are NOT fat. Your guy has a thing for very skinny women. That's not you and that is OK. Please believe that you probably look great, and there are plenty of men that would love you just the way you are.
GenuineAttraction Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 He simply feels like you are a sure thing and that you will never leave him. People will only do to you what you allow them to. Get your power back and you'll get your sex life back. You are not fat, you are probably very attractive. He also simply doesn't know how to talk to women. He should be praising you. The point of relationships is to give and uplift. Not take and get what you want. The problem lies with him and you should only change yourself to make you love you. He may have a porn problem... This leg gap thing... Obsession with the physical and not connecting from the heart. Lack of interest in real sex... He may have gotten into a relationship with you out of security. You may need to scare him with leaving. He needs to wake up. But you also must be willing to walk away and never look back. 2
stillafool Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I've met one girl he's slept with (a frequent lay). She said things along the lines of how good he was, sex all the time, multiple times a day. I've asked him how sex was in his previous relationships and it was miles better than our sex life. I can't believe she would tell his wife this. Did you come right out and ask her? It makes me just want to stop eating totally until I lose a bunch of weight. Don't do this it will make you sick plus the weight will come back after you eat a few meals. Lose weight slowly by eating healthy and exercising. Maybe go vegan for a while. 1
stillafool Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Umm, thigh gaps are real, I can assure you... Just cos you don't have one, doesn't mean they don't exist... Ask an Asian lady to show you... You are right that thigh gaps most certainly are real and Asian women are not the only ones who have them. I've never thought thigh gaps looked attractive. I remember when I was little my older cousin said they had gaps because they had had too much sex and their legs wouldn't close properly. 1
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I remember when I was little my older cousin said they had gaps because they had had too much sex and their legs wouldn't close properly. Yep, that's exactly what we said as well. It's also considered a masculine trait on a women, so not attractive. 1
introverted1 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 He says he does, but I don't think he does. I'm 24, 5'2 and 130lb. I need to lose some weight, I'm going to work on it. I was 120 before I had a baby. The types of women that he says are sexy, hot, etc. do not look like me at all. Not facial features or body type. He thinks a thigh gap is very sexy, sexiest thing possible on a woman. I don't have that, at all. Never have, never will. His ex's have looked nothing like me. He always went for very similar girls, then me. A type doesn't change, right? He said that I should lose weight (in as nice of a way possible). He doesn't tell me that I'm sexy or hot, just pretty. Pretty to me means face. Same goes for personality. He always went for a certain personality/interest type. I'm the opposite. He has hardly no sex drive with me, even if I throw myself at him he says no often. When we do have sex it's once and done. But apparently that's only been with me. I've met one girl he's slept with (a frequent lay). She said things along the lines of how good he was, sex all the time, multiple times a day. I've asked him how sex was in his previous relationships and it was miles better than our sex life. It makes me just want to stop eating totally until I lose a bunch of weight. Now I'm embarrassed about my body and hate going out, I feel like everyone thinks I'm fat. Not sure why everyone is jumping on the bf here. Sounds like OP's bf has backed off on sex and perhaps it would be better for OP to figure out why (many new parents are too tired for sex) than to jump to a bunch of self-defeating conclusions. As for the much debated thigh gap (which many non-Asian women over the age of 18 have )... how is this any different than a woman saying that she thinks a beard is the sexiest thing ever (when her guy is clean shaven) or that [insert movie star here] is the hottest guy ever? Yes, it's possible that the bf is being a jerk, but it's also possible that the OP is jumping to conclusions that may not be accurate. Very odd to me that the first reaction is that she should ditch this guy, who doesn't appear to have done anything heinous and is the father of her child. 1
preraph Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 We have a baby together though. I can't just walk out anymore. You also don't have to keep having sex with someone who berates you. You can just file for child support and not have to keep him happy at all. I bet HE doesn't think of this as permanent. 1
preraph Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 You should tell him, If I get a space between my legs, don't you think then I'd probably want to date a guy who doesn't have space between his ears? 2
introverted1 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I'm trying to imagine this thread in reverse. Guy comes on and posts that his gf doesn't think he's sexy. They've recently had a baby and she ends up turning him down sometimes when he asks for sex. He gained some weight while she was pregnant -- sympathy eating -- and he's about 10 pounds over what he was when they met. His gf has told him in the nicest possible way that he should lose the weight. But even at his thinnest he's pretty sure he isn't the "type" his gf likes. She's told him that she thinks beards are the sexiest thing ever, but he's clean shaven! Plus, all her ex's have had beards, too! None of her ex's has been clean-shaven like him. And her ex's have been nothing like him personality-wise. He was out one night and ran into a guy who used to sleep with his gf and this guy said the sex was always great. But she doesn't want sex with him all that often! All this just makes him want to stop eating so he can try to become the type of guy his gf will find attractive. What are the odds that everyone would be telling this guy how awful his gf was and why he needs to ditch her immediately? 3
thecrucible Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Well I have a few male childhood friends whose girlfriends have fluctuated between various weights and they have never thought they weren't sexy when they gained weight; and it never affected their attraction towards their girlfriends to such a degree that they would want to leave the relationship or change their girlfriends. These guys really love their girlfriends and wouldn't dream of telling them to lose weight. Because I have come across guys like them, I think OP's man is being unreasonable. It seems to me like he is trying to mould her into some kind of aesthetic ideal. I'd feel really uncomfortable with that. I've experienced similar from a few guys I have dated and this was when I was at my skinniest. In fact I lost weight naturally due to the stress their judgement of me put on me and my losing a lot of my appetite. They thought it was great I had lost this weight, even though their making me feel uncomfortable had been what caused it in the first place.
Lorenza Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I'm trying to imagine this thread in reverse. Guy comes on and posts that his gf doesn't think he's sexy. They've recently had a baby and she ends up turning him down sometimes when he asks for sex. He gained some weight while she was pregnant -- sympathy eating -- and he's about 10 pounds over what he was when they met. His gf has told him in the nicest possible way that he should lose the weight. But even at his thinnest he's pretty sure he isn't the "type" his gf likes. She's told him that she thinks beards are the sexiest thing ever, but he's clean shaven! Plus, all her ex's have had beards, too! None of her ex's has been clean-shaven like him. And her ex's have been nothing like him personality-wise. He was out one night and ran into a guy who used to sleep with his gf and this guy said the sex was always great. But she doesn't want sex with him all that often! All this just makes him want to stop eating so he can try to become the type of guy his gf will find attractive. What are the odds that everyone would be telling this guy how awful his gf was and why he needs to ditch her immediately? There has been a lot of threads where people condemned the behavior of a girl/woman and adviced the Op to dump her. Why must there always be someone who comes and whines "boohoo what about men, what about reversed roles" if people defend the girl. Sure, offer a different take on a situation, but it seems to me that some male posters are trying to make an impression that guys are oppressed or something. They're not. Especially not on these forums. 2
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Might be real for a cittin type of ethnicity Asian women also have a cirtin color skin and often dark hair as well so unless the OP is Asian or has some Asian in her genetic background? its a moot point. There is a very different body style between say a person with a Asian family tree and a Irish or German one so sorry but that comment isn't really helpful for the OP as it is shes not really over weight its not like shes "let herself go" like some women do...shes just got a asshat BF from the sounds of it who is not man enough to ether treat her right or leave.. Ferret where do you get your information? I live in southern California... I would say at least 80% of the women here have thigh gaps.. Thin and in shape! Have you tried yoga and Pilates? Trust me it works wonders! I am white, and from Eastern European descent ....I have always had thigh gaps. I never realized it was some sort of great accomplishment, it's just my body type. Always has been. And has zero to do with ethnicity. And if you head to the beach down here ... you will see most of the women here do as well. 1
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) Might be real for a cittin type of ethnicity Asian women also have a cirtin color skin and often dark hair as well so unless the OP is Asian or has some Asian in her genetic background? its a moot point. There is a very different body style between say a person with a Asian family tree and a Irish or German one so sorry but that comment isn't really helpful for the OP as it is shes not really over weight its not like shes "let herself go" like some women do...shes just got a asshat BF from the sounds of it who is not man enough to ether treat her right or leave.. Ferret where do you get your information? I live in southern California... I would say at least 80% of the women here have thigh gaps.. Thin and in shape! Have you tried yoga and Pilates? Trust me it works wonders! I am white, and from Eastern European descent ....I have always had thigh gaps. I never realized it was some sort of great accomplishment, it's just my body type. Always has been. And if you head to the beach down here ... you will see most of the women here do as well. Edited March 22, 2016 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Apologies for the double post....not sure what happened....
GildedLily Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Thigh gaps are airbrushed! Everyone has a little pouch on the upper thigh. He's a jerk. Plenty of guys would find you sexy. Guys love petite women and you're not fat, and so what if you are, some guys would still find your curves delightful. Don't stay with someone who is trying to make you feel bad. Not true, I have a thigh gap and I'm 8 months pregnant, having said that I think the thigh gap phenomenon is so dumb, has nothing to do with fat or skinny, just how your hips and legs are structured, just another way to make women feel insecure. 3
SammySammy Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Whoever deemed thigh gaps to be a standard of beauty should be slapped. Repeatedly. 2
Popsicle Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I am Asian and I don't have a thigh gap... What a stereotype *facepalm* I'm NOT Asian and I DO have a thigh gap. Regardless, I think her boyfriend is a jerk. Every woman wants her man to prefer her body type. Edited March 22, 2016 by Popsicle
Ferret Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Ferret where do you get your information? I live in southern California... I would say at least 80% of the women here have thigh gaps.. Thin and in shape! Have you tried yoga and Pilates? Trust me it works wonders! I am white, and from Eastern European descent ....I have always had thigh gaps. I never realized it was some sort of great accomplishment, it's just my body type. Always has been. And has zero to do with ethnicity. And if you head to the beach down here ... you will see most of the women here do as well. I get it from the 30 something plus years of life ive had on this earth and in that time I haven't really seen many women with thigh gaps..if that's your personal "body type" with out having to to do those "yoga and Pilates" then ok fair enough but I bet with out doing them you wouldn't have that gap totally naturally.. I was talking about genetics cause that's in essence what that poster was saying he pointed out it was a trait of "Asian" women and it very well could be more prevalent in that genetic line from that part of the world. Just like in my family tree there are a good amount of red heads and pale skin cause we are of a Irish decent body types also follow that same thinking to a degree that's were im getting my deductions cause to me its just common sense.. 1
faithfully Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 He needs to go asap!!!! If a guy was behaving like your boyfriend or saying them things he's ass would have been gone. Not having any man make me feel like that..... nope
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I get it from the 30 something plus years of life ive had on this earth and in that time I haven't really seen many women with thigh gaps..if that's your personal "body type" with out having to to do those "yoga and Pilates" then ok fair enough but I bet with out doing them you wouldn't have that gap totally naturally.. I was talking about genetics cause that's in essence what that poster was saying he pointed out it was a trait of "Asian" women and it very well could be more prevalent in that genetic line from that part of the world. Just like in my family tree there are a good amount of red heads and pale skin cause we are of a Irish decent body types also follow that same thinking to a degree that's were im getting my deductions cause to me its just common sense.. My yoga and Pilates comment was a joke Ferret. My point was that yes it IS most likely based on genetics (my mom had the same body type as I ... so got it from her) NOT ethnicity like being Asian or any other nationality as was suggested earlier... it is simply not true Ferret. I have always had a gap whether I work out or not, again just my body type... inherited from my mom who was born in Lithuania! And IMO has zero to do with anything, let alone one's attractiveness. I have never even thought about it nor ever heard it being discussed until this thread! I do agree with with you that OP's bf is an asshat!! Edited March 22, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Popsicle Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I have always had a gap whether I work out or not, again just my body type. Me too. But I don't pay attention to whether other women have it or not. The whole thing is weird. I don't know why women's bodies have to be scrutinized and talked about so much. Makes you feel like cattle. 4
katiegrl Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I get it from the 30 something plus years of life ive had on this earth and in that time I haven't really seen many women with thigh gaps..if that's your personal "body type" with out having to to do those "yoga and Pilates" then ok fair enough but I bet with out doing them you wouldn't have that gap totally naturally.. I was talking about genetics cause that's in essence what that poster was saying he pointed out it was a trait of "Asian" women and it very well could be more prevalent in that genetic line from that part of the world. Just like in my family tree there are a good amount of red heads and pale skin cause we are of a Irish decent body types also follow that same thinking to a degree that's were im getting my deductions cause to me its just common sense.. Yes having red hair is an Irish characteristic, as is my blonde hair being a northern European characteristic. Typically, not always. Those things can be based on one's ethnicity, but "not" having a thigh gap. Again there is just no evidence that suggests that is true except maybe you know a few a few Asian women that have one, but there are many women from other nationalities that have them as well. This entire convo is just so silly anyway... having a thigh gap/not having a thigh gap means jack shyt in the grand scheme of things. Edited March 22, 2016 by katiegrl
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