What is going on with us?

[Beautifultoknow]

He broke up with me about a month ago and as much as I've tried to have NC it hasn't been working and maybe I don't want it to. We were only together for a year and a half but we lived together and it was a big deal for both of us. I've never been in more serious relationship. In a month from today I will be 20 (will probably be the worst birthday of my life) and in the summer he will be 21.

He truly loved me and wanted to marry me during the relationship but I found out he had been talking to other girls online "just to jerk off". When I found out I broke up with him but it didn't last long before we were back together like nothing happened. Of course from there things went downhill as I never trusted him and for that I was more insecure and not as nice as I'd want to be. I felt terrible inside for a while. Soon he wanted other girls for real, not just to get off from. He even said he would get off to girls less attractive than me and that he would be with someone less attractive than me because it's not all about looks. I find this unbelievable because I can easily treat him wonderfully, if he simply was faithful. But he blames the fighting for why he seeked other girls to talk to. It just built up more and more and when I was questioning him about "other girls" one time he broke up with me shortly after. It really stung and made me feel like I was dying, he never broke up with me like that even though we had little break ups by my initiation, it was serious this time.

I moved out and everyday he would call multiple times. I'd hold the phone in my hand while he was calling, secretly happy I still had his attention. It let me prolong feeling the heart break because it felt like I still had his heart when he would call and text so much. He called me while drunk saying he loves me and misses me all the time. He said I was his "rock" and he doesn't know why we're broken up anymore. A few times he "accidentally" said things as if we would end up back together like "when you move back in" or "when we get our own place". Just three days ago he came all the way over to my house because I wasn't responding. He thought I was seeing another guy (I went on one date but it meant nothing to me) and I guess he was jealous. He said how he still wants me, he still wants to marry me, have kids with me, and spend the rest of his life with me. I was so delighted to hear this, it felt like he had such a weakness for me. We the spent the day together as if it were old times, but better. He took me to a restaurant and looked at me saying how beautiful I was. He said he would change for me by going to God for help with his lust for women. I said I couldn't be with him for a long time and he would have to change. Then he tried to be affectionate with me and I was like "am I just a booty call to you?" And he was like of course not "you're much more than that, you're worth a million times more than that to me" I believe that I'm more than that to him, but the "million times" more seemed like added sugar.

That was three days ago. He kept up his calling and texting and I would still ignore most of it.

 

Then yesterday afternoon it seemed like it all of and sudden stopped which alarmed me. I remembered how in his texts he said it was torture that I never responded. So about 2 hours ago I called him and when he answered I hardly knew what to say. I felt silly for calling, he was at Petsmart with his buddy and I tried to say bye quickly but he really wanted to know why I called. I told him how I noticed he stopped calling and he was like "aww you care" then he told me how he still plans to go to New York with me towards the end of the year. (It's something we wanted to do since the beginning of the relationship). Then he told me to call him later at 11pm, probably when he's done chilling with our friend Matt who I guess is hardly my friend anymore but that's neither here nor there. I said "you're supposed to call me" and he said I never answer and that I should call him.

Even at our worst he said he wants me in his life forever, and when he was telling me how he still wants me he said he couldn't live with himself if he didn't at least know me forever, if we can't be together.

 

However I'm not cool with just knowing him or being his friend. It's all or nothing. How do I make sure I don't slip into being friends with him, and would I be an idiot to call him later at 11pm? I promise I will deeply consider it and likely do it if I don't see clear reason not to.

Thanks for reading, any help is appreciated.

[Steven1]

It comes across to me as though he wants you but he also wants an uncommitted tag to it if that makes sense? Talking to other girls "just to jerk off" when he has a girlfriend in you, is completely disrespectful, insulting and rude. Fighting is no excuse to run off to the closest women he sees. That would be alarm bells for me personally.

 

I've often found that people the way you described your boyfriend/ex recently, come across as people who are genuinely nice when they think they are going to lose someone, but when they know they can get them back when they want, they turn into someone else very quickly. That's just the way it's coming across to me.

 

You could call him or leave it, that is really up to you as only you know how you personally feel about it. I would maybe leave it and see if he bothered to get back in touch with me, you can easily say you fell asleep etc. Or see if he gets in touch before midnight since there'll be an hour inbetween.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You want the honest truth? He is just too young to settle down. He is going to keep straying towards other girls.

 

The problem with continuing to prolong this situation, the more compromises you will be willing to make to keep him. It also means that if you date someone else in the future, you will probably put up with be treated the same way because you will think that it is normal for a boyfriend to behave that way.

 

It isn't normal to be talking to other girls in order to get off. It is called cheating.

 

He isn't ready, perhaps in a few years that might change, but right now he isn't offering you what you truly want or deserve.

 

Right now you are caught up in the emotional pull and need for him so it is hard to think clearly. I agree that friendship is a bad idea. However, I also think you need time and space away from him to gain some perspective on the situation.

[Beautifultoknow]

Yeah that sounds right. He seems very confused himself with his conflicting feelings of wanting me but wanting other girls. He even asked what I would do if he "made out with another girl just to get it over with" this was after we broke up when he told me how he wanted me and would change for me). It's like a need in him, to add to the list of girls he's been with, but seems to want to end up with me.

However the sad thing is I would not be able to wait for him. I'd have to treat it like there is no chance for us if I truly want to move on.

Of course I'm still in the stage where I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone I'd like and would like me back. So far two guys have tried to go out with me but neither of them are someone I want.

It seems impossible to get over the hill of wanting and needing my ex I feel like I can't have fun or be happy without him.

[Steven1]

Yeah that sounds right. He seems very confused himself with his conflicting feelings of wanting me but wanting other girls. He even asked what I would do if he "made out with another girl just to get it over with" this was after we broke up when he told me how he wanted me and would change for me). It's like a need in him, to add to the list of girls he's been with, but seems to want to end up with me.

However the sad thing is I would not be able to wait for him. I'd have to treat it like there is no chance for us if I truly want to move on.

Of course I'm still in the stage where I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone I'd like and would like me back. So far two guys have tried to go out with me but neither of them are someone I want.

It seems impossible to get over the hill of wanting and needing my ex I feel like I can't have fun or be happy without him.

 

 

I recently just came out of a 7 year relationship and this was about 6 weeks ago, it takes time to heal, and everyone is different. Being honest as much as you don't want to hear it, you'll probably feel that way for a while, BUT you will be happy again with someone you deserve who will treat you a lot better. My ex said to me before after about 6 years of being together that she's felt before that she's wanted to experiment with different people instead of just being with me, that hurt a lot so I know how you feel.

 

You will meet someone again, like I said right now, you will think everything oppositely, that you won't be happy again etc, but you will. Get over him the way YOU need to, whether that is reading, going out with friends, or simply just letting time take it's course to make you feel better. Try not to let it get you down, I've been there and it's no good. But you do deserve someone better in my opinion, if anything this is a learning curve as to how some people are treated in relationships sadly, but you know the warning signs at least now.

[mightycpa]

Your goal of not being "just friends" with him will happen in one of three ways. Either you will:

 

1) Have the discipline to avoid him at all costs

2) Get sick of getting treated to a combination of his advances, uncaring attitude and praise of his new girlfriends

or

3) Make him sick of you hanging around like you have no respect for yourself

 

Your choice.

[Beautifultoknow]

Thank you to the replies, it's so helpful.

 

I had great discipline in the first week but he kept showing up everywhere that I totally let NC fly out the window. He would show up and remind me how fun it was spending time with him. It felt like I was crazy to throw it away, when he clearly wanted to see me...regardless of our title. However you are so right. I do NOT want to be around, nowhere near the proximity to even hear of him dating a new girl. I became used to him talking/flirting with a bunch girls, writing it off as him being unable to control his male needs. (Lies to myself) but him actually being with a girl or having a relationship with one is not something I want to be around for.

 

He makes me feel so special still, how he says he wants to marry me. Is he really going to find a new gf while still having feelings for me?

He even wants to help renovate my room by helping me paint the floor and buy new stuff for it. He's already started helping me. What do I make of that? Why is he doing this?

 

I can't handle him loving and wanting me, and them him not wanting me day to day. We're definitely broken up but it didn't feel like it the whole time

[Steven1]

The problem is, well two ways I see it -

 

1 - He doesn't want to lose you as you are his 'safety' , he knows that no matter what he does that you are very likely to go back to him as he knows how you feel about him, going on from what I said before, people like that often act nice when they think they are losing someone, and then change completely later on, again ALARM BELLS, you have to ask yourself if he truly means all these things he is saying to you, why would even feel any urge at all to tell you that he wants to makeout etc with other women?

 

2 - He might mean what he is saying, but I don't think he really WANTS it. You are both still very young, neither of you are even 21 yet (I know you're not kids but you know). When he's telling you he would change for you, again you have to ask, do you really want to be with someone like that?

 

It's very easy for anyone here to offer advice based on looking in from the outside, and advice can only go so far sadly, only YOU know what's best for you in all of this. If it were me, I would cut him loose, go back to the no contact and say thanks but no thanks with regards to help with the room etc. MAYBE in time, you can be friends if he does change, maybe even in the future things could work out. But I think for the here and now, he isn't good going to be good news for you.

[Beautifultoknow]

Yes I agree, I think it's somehow a mixture of 1 and 2.

Yes we are young and compared to many of the stories here, like your 7 year relationship and someone who was engaged, my break up seems kind of insignificant. However it affects me as if I was in a 10 year marriage, at least that's how much it hurts at times.

Half of the time my thoughts tell me of course I don't want to be with him, he lied and didn't treat me as well as a girl should be treated in a relationship. But then I feel guilty for thinking bad thoughts of him, and when I hear him on the phone he seems like a completely normal, nice person (who isn't capable if cheating and being so deceitful).

I'm already worried he's not going to call later. (Even though I'm "supposed" to call him, I'm going to try not to because of the advice on here)

I have no clue if he'll call, it hurts to think he won't. If I'm in a lot of pain later I might just do as I'm told and call him, which is terrible.

 

It's so crazy to think, how he chased me so hard, wanted to be with me so much before I gave it a go. And it could all turn to dust. This whole thing is not what I expected.

 

We're broken up, but not seeing or talking is a whole other ball game that seems even more painful...even impossible

[Beautifultoknow]

I feel like I have to give up all of my friends because they are friends with him too. I can't help but feel they are more on his side than mine. During the relationship I seemed like the "crazy" one because what he did behind closed doors bothered me and it was noticeable through my behavior, while he could remain mostly cool and chill. I would just be withdrawn or easily angered while we were all hanging out.

Also the fact they would be on his side instead of mine makes me not want their friendship anyway. But now it's like I have no friends and no one to love/love me back.

 

Plus my one friend that was sort of removed from our group, is ruined because of my ex as well. He said he wanted to be friends with all of my friends and get to know every one who was close to me. He seemed genuine. So he ended up texting that "outside" friend and who knows what he said. Even if it was nothing inappropriate I feel like it's all I'll think about if I ever hang out with her.

 

I basically have to start a whole new life with no friends. Who would want a girl with no friends? My ex made me feel like I didn't have enough friends, but I'm not someone who needs a lot of people. A man to love and a few friends to hang with and have fun with every now and then are all I want. I'm focused on other things. Now those "other things" are all I have.

[Beautifultoknow]

He just called at 1:50 AM

The he texted saying "You never called at 11 like you promised, I was waiting but I guess you forgot about me"

 

Hell no I didn't forget, I was hoping he would just decide to call me. He's making it sound like I broke up with him. I'm so confused. Do I call back before he falls asleep?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

No, please don't do it. You need space right now. Also, responding to a text that late lets him know he still has control over you.

 

You deserve better than this. Stay strong.

[Beautifultoknow]

I feel like I hate everyone else in the world who isn't him.

I don't want to see or talk to anyone else.

 

Yet I have a hard time bringing myself to reply to his text.

 

So I caved and I talked to him last night. He still keeps saying he wants to marry me and be back with me? Is this the gold? Is this what I want?

 

He just seems like he isn't trying super hard, like he is depressed and defeated. I don't understand still.

 

I feel like he could try harder if he really wanted to be back with me. However it's possible I expect too much. It's not like he can drive to my house everyday and stalk me like he did.

 

He broke up with me, is he lying? He said he was scared of commitment and thinking of "our future". So thinking of being with me forever is what scares him?

 

He says he wants to be back with me, but I don't completely believe it right now!

[Beautifultoknow]

I just wish he would treat me as wonderfully as the men who post about their ex gf's on here.

I've had emotional problems or mental ones eg: cutting myself, having eating disorder, being suicidal. I feel like he cared a lot in the beginning then totally went the opposite direction and made me feel worse.

 

I'm probably such an idiot to still want him. Should I just let it all spiral out or be patient and hope for a future together?

If I do want to be back with him, should I still ignore his texts? When he says a simple "morning"? Is that almost an insult for how simple that text is? Like he doesn't truly care?

 

Any advice could help!

[Steven1]

I just wish he would treat me as wonderfully as the men who post about their ex gf's on here.

I've had emotional problems or mental ones eg: cutting myself, having eating disorder, being suicidal. I feel like he cared a lot in the beginning then totally went the opposite direction and made me feel worse.

 

I'm probably such an idiot to still want him. Should I just let it all spiral out or be patient and hope for a future together?

If I do want to be back with him, should I still ignore his texts? When he says a simple "morning"? Is that almost an insult for how simple that text is? Like he doesn't truly care?

 

Any advice could help!

 

The main problem you have at the minute it is that all this is still fresh and you're still going through the first set of pain and emotions that come with it. As others have said you can go back with him but you risk falling into a relationship where you get nothing out of it, he could continue to treat you the same with if not worse in the future, and then you go through all of this again but only worse because you will have been with him longer.

 

Like I said last night too, you need to try and occupy yourself and probably for now at the least still reading his texts isn't helping, you don't have to delete his number but you could block texts from him for a while etc.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I just wish he would treat me as wonderfully as the men who post about their ex gf's on here.

I've had emotional problems or mental ones eg: cutting myself, having eating disorder, being suicidal. I feel like he cared a lot in the beginning then totally went the opposite direction and made me feel worse.

 

I'm probably such an idiot to still want him. Should I just let it all spiral out or be patient and hope for a future together?

If I do want to be back with him, should I still ignore his texts? When he says a simple "morning"? Is that almost an insult for how simple that text is? Like he doesn't truly care?

 

Any advice could help!

 

What is the point in giving you more advice when all you do is ignore it?

 

Nobody is going to encourage you to hang in there with a guy was cheating and then dumped you so he can hook up with more girls.

 

He wants to have sex with other girls while keeping you as a backup, which is why he is trying to soften you up with sweet words about the future. That is the sad reality of the situation. He isn't the guy you want him to be. His words and promises are empty.

 

If you are willing to put up with that, fine. If not, block his number and begin to focus on building your self worth again. He can't give that to you, only you can.

 

Taking care of yourself needs to be your number one priority right now. I don't think you are going to be able to do that with him in the picture.

[Beautifultoknow]

You're so right. No matter what he says, it's all empty.

Guess what happened at work today!!! I used to have his number as my number for coworkers because I was in between phones, and one of the girls forgot to update with my new number. She sent a picture thinking I would get it. Today she told me how she realized she had my old number because my "little brother or someone who has my old number"replied with ""you're cute" and she realizes it wasn't me. Lol what a joke, even as my ex comes up with new promises and claims to love me more everyday, he's thrilled to see a pic of any random girl. It's pathetic and I'm done. I was embarrassed bur tried to play it off like I had no who clue who it could be. Still I think my boss who was standing there new I used my bf's, (now ex's) number.

A life with him would be terrible never knowing what he truly means, who he's talking to....if it's all a lie....

 

Well it is. And I'm going to text him something like "just to make things clear, I'm not interested 8n a future relationship". Is that good?

 

Earlier he said he wanted me to come over for Easter because if we end up together he wants to say he never missed an Easter with me. He even said he bought me imported chocolate. Yet he's broke....he doesn't really know how to spend his money.

 

Ugh he's not going to change anytime soon and I'm not going to wait around.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

You are doing the right thing. He is pathetic and is not going to change.

 

Don't bother messaging him and giving him that satisfaction, just block his number and ignore any attempts he makes at contact. Your silence will say everything!

 

Please don't get sucked into another conversation with him, you know the truth of what he is doing behind your back. It is all false promises!

 

Trust me, you deserve so much better than this loser.

[Beautifultoknow]

How is everyone able to go so long without contacting their ex?

I can't even go one day.

It's not even noon yet and I want to call him. Yesterday I told him I'm not interested in a future with him and he seemed to take it hard. Of course I don't know if his emotions are a lie or not!

He said he knew I didn't want to be with him ever again even though he "loves me so much". But he's wrong, I wanted nothing more than for him to want to be with me again....I didn't know it would happen so quick (2 or 3 weeks after the breakup). He said he effed up and that he wants to have me in his life forever.

I wanted to talk to him and of course tried calling (I'm sorry, in the moment I can't help myself) and he didn't want to answer. It felt reversed, because now I'm calling the person who I sort of rejected. Funny how things work. He said he was going to get drunk/move to another state/join the Marines as sort of a way to runaway I guess?

 

Is this ridiculous? Or to be expected? It seems we both love each other and sort of want to be with each other but are heartbroken and have other ideas in our head. Of course my brain/heart seems to change on the daily, multiple times.

 

All I know is I want to call him! He doesn't want to talk all of a sudden, even though he still wants me over for Easter.

[Zahara]

How is everyone able to go so long without contacting their ex?

 

NC is difficult. It's no cake walk. It's akin to getting over an addiction. You're suffering withdrawals. Trying to detach to what's been a habit to you. It's going to take time and self-discipline.

 

Yesterday I told him I'm not interested in a future with him and he seemed to take it hard. Of course I don't know if his emotions are a lie or not!

 

Of course he took it hard. He's lost control over you. His behavior has nothing to do with the true definition of love but more so control and possession. If someone truly loved you, you wouldn't be where you are today. You wouldn't have to compete with other women to hold his attention. You're idealizing him based on his words but his actions have shown you where you truly stand.

 

He said he knew I didn't want to be with him ever again even though he "loves me so much". But he's wrong, I wanted nothing more than for him to want to be with me again....I didn't know it would happen so quick (2 or 3 weeks after the breakup). He said he effed up and that he wants to have me in his life forever.

 

It's called gaslighting. A bunch of talk to make you doubt yourself and distract you from the actual truth of your situation. So you sit there and actually question your reality and soon enough...just as you did...he got you to call him back.

 

Is this ridiculous? Or to be expected? It seems we both love each other and sort of want to be with each other but are heartbroken and have other ideas in our head. Of course my brain/heart seems to change on the daily, multiple times.

 

You don't love each other. You both have a toxic attachment to one another. What do you love about someone that disrespects you?

 

All I know is I want to call him! He doesn't want to talk all of a sudden, even though he still wants me over for Easter.

 

It's game playing. Manipulation. Push pull. Now he has the power and you're sitting there shaking because he's giving you the silent treatment.

 

Call him. In your case, you're going to learn the very hard way. You'll get sick and tired of being disrespected -- maybe a few more rounds of watching him flirt with other women -- then you'll decide you've had enough and hopefully learn the lesson.

[Beautifultoknow]

Thank you Zahara, your post gives ms a LOT of clarity, that for some reason I refuse to see on my own.

You say we don't love each other, and that we have a toxic attachment...I agree with the latter, and I guess you're right...I've slowly been falling out of love with him just as I've slowly...very slowly been realizing he's not what I wished/hoped he was. I guess I'm stubborn with what I hope for and don't want to give up believing.

However maybe it's me wanting to feel special, but I have a hard time coming to the conclusion he doesn't mean it when he says he loves me. I guess he thinks he loves me but is mixing it up with his attachment to me.

 

You're so right when you say of course he took it hard because he lost control. One thing he said when I was asking why he didn't want to talk to me was "You don't love me anymore like I would want you to".. so I even said then it was all about him wanting me to love him, not his love for me...then of course he did some more gaslighting.

 

I truly can't love someone who disrespects me....but still I have that hope there for him to change as he says he's going to God for help. With my faith I have a hard time denying that he can be helped. But at the same time I know him, and have yet to see any actions that show he's changing for the better.

 

It's the usual....and he probably just got imported chocolate for himself and is writing it off as being for me. He likes importing weird fruit and all that stuff...such as waste...but even ad i think of his weird quirks it feels like I love him.

 

 

Why do I feel like you're right, why haven't I had enough? Will I ever? I've had plenty of rounds already. Why am I so difficult and make life terrible for myself? I don't want more pain...but right now he seems like something I can easily cuddle and get momentary happiness from (it doesn't last because obviously I know it's all a joke, no matter how much fun it seems like I'm having with him. I can never feel at ease completely for obvious reasons.

 

I've considered asking him to be a FWB, not really to have sex because of my faith, but cuddle and I guess do some "bad" things...It's strange to think, but maybe I do just want his body/friendship for the time being. Before I thought noway but now I realize he's internally for the long road not what I want or deserve, but I can still have fun?

[Zahara]

I guess I'm stubborn with what I hope for and don't want to give up believing.

 

Believing what? He'll change? Somehow the 27th time you get back with him things will suddenly be different? You're not stubborn. You're just afraid to let go.

 

However maybe it's me wanting to feel special, but I have a hard time coming to the conclusion he doesn't mean it when he says he loves me. I guess he thinks he loves me but is mixing it up with his attachment to me.

 

His definition of love is warped. It isn't healthy in its nature. In that sense, no he doesn't love you the way you hope.

 

I truly can't love someone who disrespects me....but still I have that hope there for him to change as he says he's going to God for help. With my faith I have a hard time denying that he can be helped. But at the same time I know him, and have yet to see any actions that show he's changing for the better.

 

Really? Only yesterday he was flirting with some girl.

 

Why do I feel like you're right, why haven't I had enough? Will I ever? I've had plenty of rounds already. Why am I so difficult and make life terrible for myself? I don't want more pain...but right now he seems like something I can easily cuddle and get momentary happiness from (it doesn't last because obviously I know it's all a joke, no matter how much fun it seems like I'm having with him. I can never feel at ease completely for obvious reasons.

 

The sad part about this is at your age, you're conditioning yourself to accept poor treatment and unfortunately, if you continue this way, you'll set a pattern and likely keep making bad choices when it comes to men. You have to ask yourself -- you seek comfort in a man that disrespects you? You're lacking self-love and self-respect that you'd settle for just about anyone who can give you a little bit of attention. A few cuddles to make you happy? You should be working on making yourself happy rather than depending on a man to fill whatever void you have in your life.

 

I've considered asking him to be a FWB, not really to have sex because of my faith, but cuddle and I guess do some "bad" things...It's strange to think, but maybe I do just want his body/friendship for the time being. Before I thought noway but now I realize he's internally for the long road not what I want or deserve, but I can still have fun?

 

People downgrade themselves to becoming a f buddy because that's their last sad attempt at keeping a foot in the door.

 

Best to prioritize your self-respect rather than your fun. Go find other guys you can have NSA sex and fun with. You can't be a f buddy to someone you're emotionally attached to.

Edited March 22, 2016 by Zahara

[Beautifultoknow]

Wow you're right on so many levels.

Self worth and self respect is 100% more important than "fun". It's just I hear people tell me "now is the time where you should be having the greatest time of your life" that's actually what his mom told me. His parents noticed I was sad a lot! It was because their son doesn't know how to treat a woman. However his mom is self absorbed and very screwy by my definition....I'm literally scarred by her. Another reason I don't want him in my future!

His mom was a great annoyance to me, it's like she was jealous and strived for her son's affection. I tried but I could not be her friend, even though her maturity was about the same as mine, someone who plans to grow and be better.

 

What really bothers me is when guys I'm not interested in flirt or want to see me. It makes me miss my ex SO much.

Some guy just texted me (and of course everytime I get a ring or a buzz I hope it's my ex, just to be dismayed by whoever else it is)...and him pleading to see me today just makes me distressed and wish it was my ex, a guy I'm so comfortable with. It makes me want to call my ex, to feel safe again.

 

Also, half of my clothes remind me of my ex, or what he thought of me in them. Like his favorites and it's bothersome but it's not like I can throw out all my clothes and wouldn't want to. Not that he was THAT attentive to what I wore all the time, but when he noticed it stuck out.

I just want life to be good that I settled for life "seeming" good, so much so that I'd ignore the bad. Which is what I still want to do, because it's what I'm used to and life just seems terrible without pretending.

 

And yeah I won't ask about being fwb. It's all in my head. He's only as desirable as I convince myself at this point.

[Beautifultoknow]

Also do you think being on this site ever sinks you deeper into the pain by understanding everything better? Or is that good and necessary? To heal and grow?

 

It's like I don't want to face it.

 

Reading how someone said guys under 30 can't really commit even if it appears so, because eventually they'll notice other pretty girls. I don't know why but that kills me, that it would be worth breaking up with me because there are other pretty girls. But now he says he wants me!?

 

It's like why bother having hope to date another guy within my age range, if eventually I won't be enough.

[Zahara]

It's just I hear people tell me "now is the time where you should be having the greatest time of your life" that's actually what his mom told me.

 

Yes, having the best time of your life doing things that are fulfilling for you. Not chasing someone that makes you sad hoping it's going to someday make you happy.

 

It was because their son doesn't know how to treat a woman.

 

You were given a warning but you didn't take heed. Then he even showed you and you still can't grasp it.

 

wish it was my ex, a guy I'm so comfortable with. It makes me want to call my ex, to feel safe again.

 

But he doesn't make you feel safe. He makes you feel inadequate and anxious. This is you romanticizing what you have rather than focusing on who he truly is.

 

Which is what I still want to do, because it's what I'm used to and life just seems terrible without pretending.

 

Well, if pretending seems easier that there is nothing that anyone can say to help you. You have to want to help yourself. Maybe one day the pain of pretending will start to outweigh the pain of facing your reality and maybe then you'll move forward.

 

Understand this -- when you teach a man that you can be disrespected and manipulated, he doesn't see you as anything more than someone he can use. When you teach a man that you are tolerable of bad behavior, trust that the only thing left is more bad behavior. If you don't respect yourself, no one will. If you're thinking things are going to change, it isn't, because there is no incentive to "change" on his part because you have minimal expectations and standards for yourself. You've taught him this.

 

If anyone should be changing behaviors -- it should be you.