is she telling the truth

[Marc878]

oh I did and gives nothing. He actually went to the cops and told them I was harassing him so if anything happens to him they will come straight to me. He actually taunts me with the fact. one day there will be no cameras or others around and this will get sorted in a manly fashion as it is intended to be

 

You pretty much know one thing. He's a coward.

[66Charger]

Can you clarify something. She says she only kissed and cuddled for 30 minutes and left. And she woke up naked in his bed. Were these 2 seperate incidences? Or did she wake up naked, in his bed and proceeded to kiss and cuddle (while naked?), then she left?

 

In case number 2, the bridge is dirt cheap.

[ex digger]

Can you clarify something. She says she only kissed and cuddled for 30 minutes and left. And she woke up naked in his bed. Were these 2 seperate incidences? Or did she wake up naked, in his bed and proceeded to kiss and cuddle (while naked?), then she left?

 

In case number 2, the bridge is dirt cheap.

 

she woke up naked in his bed and didn't know how she got there as she was heavily intoxicated, it was when she woke up that they engaged in the kissing and cuddling, she also said that neither of them touched each other in any of their private parts nor seen any of each others private parts. Quiet a story hey

[ex digger]

Thanks. That's a pretty long marriage. Are you a lifer? (career military?) Military marriages can be tough on both spouses.

 

If you had to characterize your marital foundation prior to the change outlined above, how would you characterize it?

 

Do you see any path to reconciliation? Can you visualize the signposts of how you could get there?

 

Would you be interested in reading the posts of a male BS who was military and who did reconcile successfully with his spouse? If so, here's a list of threads they started.

 

Your choices are wide open and you're in complete charge of them.

 

life was good while I served, never home though, Infantry. either out bush or on OPS. Discharged after Iraq, couple years later PTSD, she was never really there for me and I was distant. Then she did what she did. I trick myself in believing there is a future and its what she says she wants but to be honest, once another man has touched your wife she just seems like tainted goods now. we sleep together but im not making love to her if you know what I mean. its just sex to me to keep her happy, makes me feel sick a bit and I don't exactly think of her while we do it

[sandylee1]

What a nonsensical story ....my word...does she take you for a fool or something.

 

That story is a load of tripe.... I'm sorry you're in this position.

 

If your wife drinks to the point of not recalling anything ... then she shouldn't drink unless you are with her.

 

There is a lot more to this story and I'm skeptical that it was only once.

 

Unless she realises you won't put up with this and are prepared to leave her.. she won't come clean.

 

Have you consulted a lawyer to find out your position in a divorce?

 

You said your not in love with her anymore...is this as a result of the incident? Or had you fallen out of love with her before this happened?

[heartwhole]

Best of luck with everything. I'm glad you have drawn a line in the sand.

[drifter777]

Dude - you already know the answer and you say it over and over in your post. Your words:

 

 

 

1. In the following couple of weeks they exchanged messages through facebook messenger which have all now been deleted
   
2. she has no recollection of the night due to her intoxication she swears they didn't have sex on that night
   
3. he could have done all matter of things to her while she was passed out including taking photos of her, she flatly denies this happened but how would she know if she was passed out!
   
4. She is pissed off with me for being concerned and she is adamant that they didn't have sex or photos taken but claims she remembers nothing of the night
   
5. I personally think she has something to hide as none of this makes logical sense and she has lied about this for over a year now.
   

So there it is in your own words. They had sex. This is the simple conclusion that any rational husband would reach given these facts and this evidence. You are looking to us for confirmation that she is gas-lighting you and that you are NOT crazy for putting 2 & 2 together and coming up with 4. You're right - she's lying like a rug. She had sex with him that night and probably many other nights. I mean, waking up naked and then cuddling up to his (very likely) erection and kissing him for 30 minutes. Even kids in junior high have intercourse in this situation.

 

I have no idea how you could look at this cold, hard proof and let her convince you that it wasn't so. But, well, she did it and I can't help but wonder if you simply don't want to admit you knew you were right but it was easier and safer to ignore it and hope it just went away. Well, now you know that she had sex - maybe still is - having sex with at least one other man and has been lying and gas-lighting you all of this time.

 

My gut tells me you really don't care about her cheating all that much but you would like the truth from her. Well, you might get some out of her but she will never, ever tell you a single thing that she knows cannot be proven. Never. She will take as much of this to the grave as possible. So to save your family you are just going to have to swallow all of this, compartmentalize it, and then toss it to the back of your mind and hope it dissipates over time. Maybe it will. Good luck.

[lolablue17]

In my eyes, waking up naked in a guy's house, and literally suggesting to have sex with him, is no real difference from having sex with him, it's almost the same, just a matter of timing.

 

You also give to much importance to this event, because this is an evidence you've got by accident. What about the time you've been out of the country? A wife who is able to spend the night naked in another guy's bed, can also easily cheat with other guys while you're away. So the funny thing is she may be telling the truth about this guy (0% chance to my opinion), but is hiding from you her other cheating .

 

You're too dependent. I can understand why her admission is so important you, but you give it too much importance. Assume that she did have sex with him, or with other guys, and make your decisions based on that.

[Try]

she woke up naked in his bed and didn't know how she got there as she was heavily intoxicated, it was when she woke up that they engaged in the kissing and cuddling, she also said that neither of them touched each other in any of their private parts nor seen any of each others private parts. Quiet a story hey

Even though we all know that she had intercourse with him, it really does not matter if she did or not. According to her, she was alone with another man at his house, got drunk with him, woke up naked in his bed with him, and her response to this was to cuddle, kiss, and make plans to see him again? Even if you were to accept her unbelievable claim at face value that no intercourse took place, what she just admitted to is enough cheating that most spouses would divorce her on the spot.

[Buckeye2]

she woke up naked in his bed and didn't know how she got there as she was heavily intoxicated, it was when she woke up that they engaged in the kissing and cuddling, she also said that neither of them touched each other in any of their private parts nor seen any of each others private parts. Quiet a story hey

 

So her story is that she woke up sober and naked with a strange man. She then proceeded to kiss and cuddle him. For the sake of argument let’s say that this is all that happened. Is her position that this is OK?

Edited March 21, 2016 by Buckeye2

[harrybrown]

has she been tested for stds?

 

have you had DNA tests on the kids?

 

how do you know she has stopped lying naked in his bed?

 

How would she feel if you were naked in bed with another woman?

 

Do see your attorney now.

[elaine567]

ONSs tend not to send love letters in the form of email.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Few things to always keep in mind. These apply to just about everyone.

 

1. Yes. he/she is lying.

 

2. Yes. They had sex. Most likely unprotected.

 

3. Yes. That thing you are worried that they did....uh huh...they did that.

 

4. Yes. he/she talked badly about you to him/her, and made you out to be the bad guy/gal.

 

5. Yes. It was completely intentional. No mistakes, No accidents.

 

6. Yes. he/she remembers every single detail of what happened. ( Disclaimer: Unless OM was Bill Cosby )

 

7. Yes. It was fun. Which is why it probably happened more than once.

 

8. Yes. he/she knew the consequences and risks, and took them anyway.

 

9. Yes. They still spoke at least once more after you made it clear that was a dealbreaker.

 

and 10. Yes. They will expect you to get over it, and quickly.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Few things to always keep in mind. These apply to just about everyone.

 

1. Yes. he/she is lying. No I did not lie

 

2. Yes. They had sex. Most likely unprotected.

 

3. Yes. That thing you are worried that they did....uh huh...they did that.

 

4. Yes. he/she talked badly about you to him/her, and made you out to be the bad guy/gal. I did not talk bad about my husband

 

5. Yes. It was completely intentional. No mistakes, No accidents. I intentionally went to lunch I did not intentionally plan to jump into bed

 

6. Yes. he/she remembers every single detail of what happened. ( Disclaimer: Unless OM was Bill Cosby ) there are many details I do not remember

 

7. Yes. It was fun. Which is why it probably happened more than once. It happened one time

 

8. Yes. he/she knew the consequences and risks, and took them anyway.

 

9. Yes. They still spoke at least once more after you made it clear that was a dealbreaker.

 

and 10. Yes. They will expect you to get over it, and quickly.

 

Not every act of infidelity is exactly the same... Not every cheater is exactly the same

 

While we are indeed all vile... Everything is certainly not applicable on this list

[sandylee1]

Few things to always keep in mind. These apply to just about everyone.

 

1. Yes. he/she is lying.

 

2. Yes. They had sex. Most likely unprotected.

 

3. Yes. That thing you are worried that they did....uh huh...they did that.

 

4. Yes. he/she talked badly about you to him/her, and made you out to be the bad guy/gal.

 

5. Yes. It was completely intentional. No mistakes, No accidents.

 

6. Yes. he/she remembers every single detail of what happened. ( Disclaimer: Unless OM was Bill Cosby )

 

7. Yes. It was fun. Which is why it probably happened more than once.

 

8. Yes. he/she knew the consequences and risks, and took them anyway.

 

9. Yes. They still spoke at least once more after you made it clear that was a dealbreaker.

 

and 10. Yes. They will expect you to get over it, and quickly.

 

I think this is a fair assessment ..... even with the responses from Mrs JA below. many on the list apply.

 

Unprotected sex is usually always the case and most will lie unless they confess.

 

Not only lie ... but gaslight and make you out to be crazy with your suspicions.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Not every act of infidelity is exactly the same... Not every cheater is exactly the same

 

While we are indeed all vile... Everything is certainly not applicable on this list

 

Agree. Which is why I chose my words carefully. I think that list applies to the vast majority of people on here, and cheaters in general. It's a pretty safe list.

 

 

Even your assertion that your betrayal wasn't intentional...it surely was. You could have stopped yourself at every turn, but did not. You chose to keep going, and when you reached the point of no return, you purposefully went forward. That's how it goes. You, above all, know that these things don't "just happen" Maybe that's not why you went over there ( I don't know your whole story ) but you certainly knew where to draw the line and knowingly crossed it.

 

I happen to believe there is no more intentional act than infidelity. I imagine the adrenaline rush just before one crosses the line might blur reality a bit, but it is an definite choice to keep going.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree I was given the opportunity to stop several times.. Guilty as charged...but the intent was not to be in a sexual encounter with this man. The intent was to go to lunch.

 

Intent means to plan ... So the sexual act was indeed not intentional.

It doesn't make me any less guilty or vile... Don't misunderstand me.

 

There are situations where people cheat and they had absolutely no intention of doing so.

 

Everyone can stop ...everyone can change their mind.

 

sometimes we get carried away with trying to put everyone in a neat little box that defines us all.

 

Your intent was a good one... I just wanted to point out that sometimes... Cheaters like those cheated on... Differ

[William]

Let's get back to whether or not the wife of the thread starter is telling the truth and the dynamics which that person brought to the forum for discussion. Thanks!

[TrustedthenBusted]

I agree I was given the opportunity to stop several times.. Guilty as charged...but the intent was not to be in a sexual encounter with this man. The intent was to go to lunch.

 

Intent means to plan ... So the sexual act was indeed not intentional.

It doesn't make me any less guilty or vile... Don't misunderstand me.

 

There are situations where people cheat and they had absolutely no intention of doing so.

 

Everyone can stop ...everyone can change their mind.

 

sometimes we get carried away with trying to put everyone in a neat little box that defines us all.

 

Your intent was a good one... I just wanted to point out that sometimes... Cheaters like those cheated on... Differ

 

I think we are on the same page in general. And I don't mean to harp. I guess it's just a hot button for me when I see someone say there was no intent.

 

When you left the lunch table to head to the apartment ( for example ) you intended to take the discussion elsewhere. When you opted for a glass of wine, rather than another cup of coffee, you intended to sit and relax. When he made extended flirty eye contact, and you responded in kind, you intended to send him the signal that his flirting was ok. When the kissing starts, and the clothes start coming off, the intent is to get naked...and so on and so on.

 

Tons of intent along the way. I don't get hung up on when the planning STARTED, because I'm sure most affairs don't start with a plan....but I also don't dismiss the fact that intent is displayed at every turn.

 

Maybe it's a word-smithing issue, but I think you catch my meaning.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ttb.. Taking this to pm since William has warned we are off topic

[Wookin Pa Nub]

As far as her drinking, yes she gets pretty hammered but not enough to not know what is going on I don't think.

 

My wife would drink a lot but would still be functioning. It took years to be able to tell the difference but sometimes while she was hammered and functioning she still did not remember the events of the night before.