is she telling the truth

March 20, 2016

Over 12 months ago my wife had a one night stand which I only found out about by accident a few months later through a love letter in the form of an email sent to her. At first she said they only kissed and then several months later it was discovered that she woke up in his bed naked with no knowledge how she got there.

This didn't seem to bother her as she admitted to engaging in a kiss and cuddle for around 30 mins before she left. In the following couple of weeks they exchanged messages through facebook messenger which have all now been deleted where they discussed the possibility of having sex. Although she says she has no recollection of the night due to her intoxication she swears they didn't have sex on that night, morning or any time after.

I was concerned that maybe he could have done all matter of things to her while she was passed out including taking photos of her, she flatly denies this happened but how would she know if she was passed out!! Now on her facebook there is what possibly is a spam message from a person saying they liked the nude photos of her and this person cannot be replied to despite all my efforts. She is pissed off with me for being concerned and she is adamant that they didn't have sex or photos taken but claims she remembers nothing of the night. I personally think she has something to hide as none of this makes logical sense and she has lied about this for over a year now.

Any thoughts would be appreciated as all I want is the truth to a logical question. For what reason would she be denying they had sex or is it possible she is telling the truth.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

March 20, 2016

Welcome to LS.

Prior to a couple months ago when you discovered the love letter e-mail, how was your marriage?

How long have you been married?

Is it common for your wife to get blackout intoxicated?

March 20, 2016

Her story sounds very fishy. She keeps changing it to fit the information that you have. "It was discovered she woke up naked in his bed" . . . The way you worded this is very telling. She wasn't black-out drunk when she woke up naked in his bed, so she lied and omitted this on purpose.

She's pissed off at you . . . that's a very common deflection. You have done nothing wrong. There is a great possibility either that your wife was sexually assaulted while she was unconscious, which would greatly concern any husband, or that she willingly had sex with another man, which would also concern any husband. So for her to get angry at you for worrying about these possibilities is just a tactic to get you to stop digging for the truth.

Regardless of the details (which you do need to know if you are to move forward in your marriage), you have enough information to know that she has been unfaithful. She has been sending love emails. She has been kissing and cuddling another man. So the fact that she's saying, "Well, it wasn't sex, so stop bothering me about it" tells you a lot about the state of your marriage. Even if it was "just" love letters and cuddles, she has violated her vows to you and a lot of work must be done if you are to move forward.

I'm afraid the moving forward part can't happen until you have a truthful and remorseful wife. Since she's clearly not truthful or remorseful right now, I would move forward in your life without her. Focus on yourself. Get into counseling. Consult a lawyer. Ask for a separation. When she sees that you aren't going to tolerate her ridiculous behavior, she may then choose the path of truthfulness and remorse. But she's not there at all right now, and that is something you must face. Your choices are to remain in this toxic status quo or to change yourself. You cannot change her; only she can do that.

March 20, 2016

marriage was going through some changes as I had been diagnosed with PTSD after my service in the Middle East. She agrees that I was being attentive to her but she had put a wall up because I was not the man I used to be as I was adapting to what was going on at the time. As far as her drinking, yes she gets pretty hammered but not enough to not know what is going on I don't think. She told me that she didn't have sex and I asked how she could be so sure and her reply was that she is a women and she would have felt or known if she had and then later revealed that she had to ask him if they did or didn't.

March 20, 2016

We do not know you or your wife...so asking us to determine if she is telling the truth is difficult.

Here is what is important...do YOU think she is telling the truth? and if not...what do you plan to do? and if you do....what do you plan to do?

March 20, 2016

Her story sounds very fishy. She keeps changing it to fit the information that you have. "It was discovered she woke up naked in his bed" . . . The way you worded this is very telling. She wasn't black-out drunk when she woke up naked in his bed, so she lied and omitted this on purpose.

She's pissed off at you . . . that's a very common deflection. You have done nothing wrong. There is a great possibility either that your wife was sexually assaulted while she was unconscious, which would greatly concern any husband, or that she willingly had sex with another man, which would also concern any husband. So for her to get angry at you for worrying about these possibilities is just a tactic to get you to stop digging for the truth.

Regardless of the details (which you do need to know if you are to move forward in your marriage), you have enough information to know that she has been unfaithful. She has been sending love emails. She has been kissing and cuddling another man. So the fact that she's saying, "Well, it wasn't sex, so stop bothering me about it" tells you a lot about the state of your marriage. Even if it was "just" love letters and cuddles, she has violated her vows to you and a lot of work must be done if you are to move forward.

I'm afraid the moving forward part can't happen until you have a truthful and remorseful wife. Since she's clearly not truthful or remorseful right now, I would move forward in your life without her. Focus on yourself. Get into counseling. Consult a lawyer. Ask for a separation. When she sees that you aren't going to tolerate her ridiculous behavior, she may then choose the path of truthfulness and remorse. But she's not there at all right now, and that is something you must face. Your choices are to remain in this toxic status quo or to change yourself. You cannot change her; only she can do that.

You have said exactly what I have been thinking but is she lying to save herself from feeling [badly] or because she thinks its not important enough to worry about and that way she can always use my bad behaviour against me as she has done no real wrong.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

March 20, 2016

My friend if she gets pissed off at you because of her bad choices and you let her get away with it, then raise the white flag because you lose big time.

All she's doing is stonewalling you and hoping that you'll let it blow over without finding out exactly what happened.

Remember. She's the one that cheated. You have every right to question her and dig for the truth and if she can't handle that, then you let her know that it's either your way or she can take her lying cheating ways someplace else and let her know that your lawyer will be in contact with her or her lawyer.

The minuet you back down and give in will be the day she has the upper hand and you wont get it back.

March 20, 2016

Her story sounds very fishy. She keeps changing it to fit the information that you have. "It was discovered she woke up naked in his bed" . . . The way you worded this is very telling. She wasn't black-out drunk when she woke up naked in his bed, so she lied and omitted this on purpose.

She's pissed off at you . . . that's a very common deflection. You have done nothing wrong. There is a great possibility either that your wife was sexually assaulted while she was unconscious, which would greatly concern any husband, or that she willingly had sex with another man, which would also concern any husband. So for her to get angry at you for worrying about these possibilities is just a tactic to get you to stop digging for the truth.

Regardless of the details (which you do need to know if you are to move forward in your marriage), you have enough information to know that she has been unfaithful. She has been sending love emails. She has been kissing and cuddling another man. So the fact that she's saying, "Well, it wasn't sex, so stop bothering me about it" tells you a lot about the state of your marriage. Even if it was "just" love letters and cuddles, she has violated her vows to you and a lot of work must be done if you are to move forward.

I'm afraid the moving forward part can't happen until you have a truthful and remorseful wife. Since she's clearly not truthful or remorseful right now, I would move forward in your life without her. Focus on yourself. Get into counseling. Consult a lawyer. Ask for a separation. When she sees that you aren't going to tolerate her ridiculous behavior, she may then choose the path of truthfulness and remorse. But she's not there at all right now, and that is something you must face. Your choices are to remain in this toxic status quo or to change yourself. You cannot change her; only she can do that.

Welcome to LS.

Prior to a couple months ago when you discovered the love letter e-mail, how was your marriage?

How long have you been married?

Is it common for your wife to get blackout intoxicated?

marriage was going through some changes as I had been diagnosed with PTSD after my service in the Middle East. She agrees that I was being attentive to her but she had put a wall up because I was not the man I used to be as I was adapting to what was going on at the time. As far as her drinking, yes she gets pretty hammered but not enough to not know what is going on I don't think. She told me that she didn't have sex and I asked how she could be so sure and her reply was that she is a women and she would have felt or known if she had and then later revealed that she had to ask him if they did or didn't. been married 15 years

March 20, 2016

If you believe this story then I have a bridge to sell you. You both need to get tested for STD's. You have giant problems in your marriage. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly believe that she would believe such a story from you?

March 20, 2016

We do not know you or your wife...so asking us to determine if she is telling the truth is difficult.

Here is what is important...do YOU think she is telling the truth? and if not...what do you plan to do? and if you do....what do you plan to do?

I think she is lying but we have three young boys who I don't want to see suffer. I love her but am not in love with her anymore.

March 20, 2016

If you believe this story then I have a bridge to sell you. You both need to get tested for STD's. You have giant problems in your marriage. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly believe that she would believe such a story from you?

not a chance, who in their right mind would believe a story like that. Is this why she gets so pissed off at me for try to protect her honour. she tells me its my problem and not hers now

March 20, 2016

This is your problem and not hers? Unbelievable.

I really feel for you. She has you over a barrel and knows that you will not leave. She clearly does not care how much she hurts. I am very sorry for you. You deserve better. Maybe you should have a talk with this guy?

March 20, 2016

My friend if she gets pissed off at you because of her bad choices and you let her get away with it, then raise the white flag because you lose big time.

All she's doing is stonewalling you and hoping that you'll let it blow over without finding out exactly what happened.

Remember. She's the one that cheated. You have every right to question her and dig for the truth and if she can't handle that, then you let her know that it's either your way or she can take her lying cheating ways someplace else and let her know that your lawyer will be in contact with her or her lawyer.

The minuet you back down and give in will be the day she has the upper hand and you wont get it back.

well as of tomorrow she is gone. she wont speak to me about it so I said she needs to leave and work out her ****. She probably doesn't believe me but when she wakes up in a few hours I will greet her with a cup of coffee and a packed bag, then ill drive her to her parents place.

March 20, 2016

Regardless of the details (which you do need to know if you are to move forward in your marriage), you have enough information to know that she has been unfaithful.

When she sees that you aren't going to tolerate her ridiculous behavior, she may then choose the path of truthfulness and remorse. But she's not there at all right now, and that is something you must face. Your choices are to remain in this toxic status quo or to change yourself. You cannot change her; only she can do that.

Agree with heartwhole. Being angry at you is not the appropriate response and indicates complete lack of remorse. She's angry because you're not making it easy for her to sweep it all under the rug with a few nonsensical lies.

In the most important sense it doesn't make any difference. You know what she's capable of and what her predilections are. Doing the right thing is about avoiding consequences, not because it's the right thing to do. Given what you know, do you think you could ever trust her again?

March 20, 2016

Chearers lie, hide and deny a lot. With all the correspondence between them. I wouldn't believe anything coming out of her mouth.

If you want to salvage this polygraph her. Best option as she's left you no choice.

Unless you want to live with this long term. Good luck with that.

This is her mess she should clean it up

March 20, 2016

This is your problem and not hers? Unbelievable.

I really feel for you. She has you over a barrel and knows that you will not leave. She clearly does not care how much she hurts. I am very sorry for you. You deserve better. Maybe you should have a talk with this guy?

oh I did and gives nothing. He actually went to the cops and told them I was harassing him so if anything happens to him they will come straight to me. He actually taunts me with the fact. one day there will be no cameras or others around and this will get sorted in a manly fashion as it is intended to be

March 20, 2016

Agree with heartwhole. Being angry at you is not the appropriate response and indicates complete lack of remorse. She's angry because you're not making it easy for her to sweep it all under the rug with a few nonsensical lies.

In the most important sense it doesn't make any difference. You know what she's capable of and what her predilections are. Doing the right thing is about avoiding consequences, not because it's the right thing to do. Given what you know, do you think you could ever trust her again?

I will never trust her again nor will I forgive in a sense or forget. I just want what is best for my kids. I can remain in this relationship if I get a decent explanation. when the kids are old enough then I will make my choice about leaving her for good which is highly possible. Until then she can have some time out at her parents like it or not

March 20, 2016

I think she is lying but we have three young boys who I don't want to see suffer. I love her but am not in love with her anymore.

Then do you have a plan? Have you talked to a lawyer?

Unfortunately her choice wil cause suffering regardless of what you decide to do.

It is one of the perils of infidelity.

I understand your boys welfare comes first as it should and I am glad to hear you say that. But the right answer is not always staying in a broken marriage.

You believe Your wife is not telling you the truth... You cannot rebuild the relationship on lies.

March 20, 2016

I will never trust her again nor will I forgive in a sense or forget. I just want what is best for my kids. I can remain in this relationship if I get a decent explanation. when the kids are old enough then I will make my choice about leaving her for good which is highly possible. Until then she can have some time out at her parents like it or not

Lets see...they kissed and cuddled and she woke up naked in his bed. And sent love letters to each other, which rules out the "I was drunk" excuse.

I am a little lost as to what type of explanation would be considered "decent".

March 20, 2016

You have said exactly what I have been thinking but is she lying to save herself from feeling [badly] or because she thinks its not important enough to worry about and that way she can always use my bad behaviour against me as she has done no real wrong.

A married woman with children kissing and hugging another man for 30 minutes, waking up in his bed is hardly the behavior of a good wife but more like what is described above.

Edited March 20, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

March 20, 2016

I have gotten drunk enough that I (1) do not remember what happened that night (how I got to bed, etc.) and (2) know that I had sex with my husband but don't remember it whatsoever.

Any woman waking up naked in a man's bed had sex with him.

Sounds like a bigger issue is why is she getting sh*tfaced drunk - at someone ELSE'S place, when she's a wife and a mom? I wouldn't let her come back until that is dealt with in therapy.

March 20, 2016

Lets see...they kissed and cuddled and she woke up naked in his bed. And sent love letters to each other, which rules out the "I was drunk" excuse.

I am a little lost as to what type of explanation would be considered "decent".

that's just it, there isn't even an explanation. Im supposed to believe that no sex took place at any stage even though by her own admission, she cant remember how she ended up naked in his bed. Yet in the following weeks she admitted suggesting they have sex and apparently this still didn't occur. I feel more like an idiot to even give her the benefit of the doubt on such a deplorable excuse. A child could come up with a more believable story than that

March 20, 2016

She doesn't seem that remorseful about what she's done.

Since she has a blackout issue when drinking, it's time for her to stop drinking and also learn boundaries. Not to have sleepovers with guys.

Instead of her being loving, supportive and taking care of you while you were suffering from PTSD, she chose to look elsewhere and not be there for you.

March 20, 2016

marriage was going through some changes as I had been diagnosed with PTSD after my service in the Middle East. She agrees that I was being attentive to her but she had put a wall up because I was not the man I used to be as I was adapting to what was going on at the time. As far as her drinking, yes she gets pretty hammered but not enough to not know what is going on I don't think. She told me that she didn't have sex and I asked how she could be so sure and her reply was that she is a women and she would have felt or known if she had and then later revealed that she had to ask him if they did or didn't. been married 15 years

Thanks. That's a pretty long marriage. Are you a lifer? (career military?) Military marriages can be tough on both spouses.

If you had to characterize your marital foundation prior to the change outlined above, how would you characterize it?

Do you see any path to reconciliation? Can you visualize the signposts of how you could get there?

Would you be interested in reading the posts of a male BS who was military and who did reconcile successfully with his spouse? If so, here's a list of threads they started.

Your choices are wide open and you're in complete charge of them.

March 20, 2016

Over 12 months ago my wife had a one night stand which I only found out about by accident a few months later through a love letter in the form of an email sent to her. At first she said they only kissed and then several months later it was discovered that she woke up in his bed naked with no knowledge how she got there.

This didn't seem to bother her as she admitted to engaging in a kiss and cuddle for around 30 mins before she left. In the following couple of weeks they exchanged messages through facebook messenger which have all now been deleted where they discussed the possibility of having sex. Although she says she has no recollection of the night due to her intoxication she swears they didn't have sex on that night, morning or any time after.

I was concerned that maybe he could have done all matter of things to her while she was passed out including taking photos of her, she flatly denies this happened but how would she know if she was passed out!! Now on her facebook there is what possibly is a spam message from a person saying they liked the nude photos of her and this person cannot be replied to despite all my efforts. She is pissed off with me for being concerned and she is adamant that they didn't have sex or photos taken but claims she remembers nothing of the night. I personally think she has something to hide as none of this makes logical sense and she has lied about this for over a year now.

Any thoughts would be appreciated as all I want is the truth to a logical question. For what reason would she be denying they had sex or is it possible she is telling the truth.

Friend, your wife made a date, she went out on the date, she ended up at his place naked and in his bed and claims nothing happened, really? We are all grown people here, when is the last time you took a woman home, got her naked and did nothing?

The onus of proving her innocence is on her because she is guilty of everything else. If you want the truth one of the requirements of reconciliation should be a polygraph test because she is no different then any other lying cheating spouse that got caught and never confessed. How do you forgive her if you don't know how deep the rabbit hole is? How do you know this is her first affair, maybe it's just the first time you caught her. Have you ever been deployed? How do you know she was faithful to you while you were away fighting for your country? Her story stinks, I can smell it from here. You will never feel safe with her if you can't establish that you have the truth from her. Book the polygraph and if she refuses, well, that's as good as a confession to me because a remorseful honest wife would do everything possible to prove her storey is true.

Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights, protect your children and staying with their mother isn't what I mean by protecting them. Don't compromise yourself.

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