Troubled64 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 I have been happily married for almost 28 years until recently, hubby 59 and I 51. This my story - My best friends are both 40 and we often drink way too much wine, we live in a very isolated where your only social life is hanging out with friends. We are in agriculture & mostly work 7 days a week. Around 8 months ago MBFH started wooing me a little after his wife went to bed. We often stay up chatting and drinking after she has gone to bed, talking about business. I have always enjoyed his company. I resisited his advances and said I was married etc. Over next 2 months things developed to the point that we have had intimate relations 4-5 times. We have both vowed we are done but seem helpless when together to do this. We are often intoxicated. We have talked soberly several times inpast few weeks and have admitted to each other we wish we had been more sober when we had hooked up and that this has gone past us just been intoxicated. But we need to go back to our marriages and move on. As 2 couples we often socialize together and we are very platonic but this is not easy. We both feel like 15 year olds and have both commented that we are nervous around each other etc. We have had very little time together but are close as friends also. We are both trying to put some distance between us but I see his wife 1 -2 times a week mostly at their home so avoiding him is difficult. I often look after their kids but have never done anything whilst kids around. I am now a mess, the guilt, the sadness of missing him etc. I lost my Dad a month ago and my best friend and hubby think that the reason I down which is only part of it!!!! I can only talk to AP about this as no-one else I can trust so this is my lifeline!!!! plus internet resources. My hubby a good man, provider etc but after 28 years we take each other for granted and he not at all romantic and married to our business!! We both responsible for taking each other for granted but when working 7 days a week we crash most nights. All I can think about is the AP and the guilt is unreal and consuming. Oh man how do I get past this and find the peace I used to have, he also feeling the same way although we both so fighting this!!! I would have never believed I could do this:( I suspect we can never go back as we the waywards here!!!
JourneyLady Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 I have been happily married for almost 28 years until recently, hubby 59 and I 51. This my story - My best friends are both 40 and we often drink way too much wine, we live in a very isolated where your only social life is hanging out with friends. We are in agriculture & mostly work 7 days a week. Around 8 months ago MBFH started wooing me a little after his wife went to bed. We often stay up chatting and drinking after she has gone to bed, talking about business. I have always enjoyed his company. I resisited his advances and said I was married etc. Over next 2 months things developed to the point that we have had intimate relations 4-5 times. We have both vowed we are done but seem helpless when together to do this. We are often intoxicated. We have talked soberly several times inpast few weeks and have admitted to each other we wish we had been more sober when we had hooked up and that this has gone past us just been intoxicated. But we need to go back to our marriages and move on. As 2 couples we often socialize together and we are very platonic but this is not easy. We both feel like 15 year olds and have both commented that we are nervous around each other etc. We have had very little time together but are close as friends also. We are both trying to put some distance between us but I see his wife 1 -2 times a week mostly at their home so avoiding him is difficult. I often look after their kids but have never done anything whilst kids around. I am now a mess, the guilt, the sadness of missing him etc. I lost my Dad a month ago and my best friend and hubby think that the reason I down which is only part of it!!!! I can only talk to AP about this as no-one else I can trust so this is my lifeline!!!! plus internet resources. My hubby a good man, provider etc but after 28 years we take each other for granted and he not at all romantic and married to our business!! We both responsible for taking each other for granted but when working 7 days a week we crash most nights. All I can think about is the AP and the guilt is unreal and consuming. Oh man how do I get past this and find the peace I used to have, he also feeling the same way although we both so fighting this!!! I would have never believed I could do this:( I suspect we can never go back as we the waywards here!!! Your husband is married to *providing* for you. For men, this is what they do - for them, "romance" is not needed when they've got the girl, and they set their minds to providing for their family. What you've got to do is quit this and come clean. You should check out Marriagebuilders with Dr. Harley (google it). The forum will not be "kind" but they will tell you exactly what you and your husband must do to save your marriage. IF they are too rough - read Dr. Harley's books and follow their instructions. I wish I had! I had an internet fling with an old guy who I had very little chance of being with and ruined my marriage enough that my (former) husband had a "revenge affair" and ended up divorcing me and marrying her. Would you like this to happen to you? If you're living in a small town, think of this... suppose your husband finds out on his own (you are lying about it) and ends up divorcing you - and the other man does not divorce. That small town is all you are left with to pick from. *Don't* depend on your husband for your happiness.You are responsible for your own and your actions accordingly. Find a spiritual center - doesn't have to be church but some moral code and sense of the universe that can make you whole - you obviously are not if you "need romance". If your husband works hard to provide, you are living a romance whether you know it or not... Even if you divorce and marry this other guy, you won't be able to trust him - read some of the horror stories... I'm doing okay (just became "dis-engaged though") and happy on my own, but it's awful out there trying to date at this late stage. Get off the alcohol, confess to your husband and become transparent. It could be that your husband already has some inkling anyhow. Good luck! 5
heartwhole Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 Look down the road to where this will lead. You won't be able to keep things platonic with the other man when there is alcohol and opportunity. Things will get worse and worse until one of your spouses discovers it. The other man might confess to his wife in a moment of guilt. Either way, chances are high that you will be discovered. Your best option is to confess to your husband. This will mean ending the friendship with that couple. But that's not a reason to keep it a secret. The time to worry about losing that friendship was when you decided to cross the line with him. They'll survive without you to watch their kids. Give the other wife the dignity of not having a woman who slept with her husband watching her kids. Tell your husband. Work on yourself. Go to AA. Get into counseling. In time, the peace will return. I think you know that there's no hope of peace if you stay stuck where you are. 1
aliveagain Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 (edited) The best way to save yourself and your relationship is to stop the deception, find out why you allowed yourself to become this woman after 28 years. Your husband trusted you to protect him when he left you talking to your mutual friend. The cheating has nothing to do with him, it's all about you. Your both in the same marriage, he's not banging your 40 year old best female friend is he? Decide if the marriage is what you want or the fantasy of starting a new life with your best friends husband. Destroying two families will be the cost to do so. If you choose the marriage then you will need to expose your infidelities to your husband because a secret this big will eventually destroy your marriage. The chances of your marriage surviving are much better if he finds out about your betrayal from you. You will need to go no contact with your affair partner starting now. You will need to be tested for STD's, your infidelity has not only put your health at risk but also the health of your husband. You have crossed over the line, there is no going back without a consequence so choose wisely because up until now you have been choosing very poorly. Everyone you love is affected. Get professional help with a counsellor that has experience with infidelity, one of your life's has to end, you can't have both. The longer it takes you to confess and the more times you have sex with your affair partner the harder it will be to explain your infidelity and the lower your chances of reconciliation will be. Edited March 20, 2016 by aliveagain Didn't want to start another post as no one has replied 4
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 One of the things I always find interesting here on loveshack is...a Wayward comes here and confesses and the first thing they want to do is SAVE their marriage....but of course....they have not told their spouse....about their affair. Your spouse may not WANT to stay in this marriage and once you tell him about this affair...you stand to lose everything....but it is too late now. You want your peace back? You have no idea what you are now in for....PEACE is the last thing you are going to be worried about. You will lose your friends...and you will likely lose your husband. So before we start telling you how to try to save your marriage or save your PEACE.... Confess...and then tell us your husbands reaction. Your life will NEVER be the same and neither will his.....and the only person to blame for this...is you. Welcome to the wayward club...... 10
Bryanp Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 So you do not have any problem cheating behind your husbands back and putting him at risk for STD's with a family you socialize with? If the roles were reversed would you mind if your husband was screwing a woman behind your back, putting your health at risk for STD's with a female friend you know very well? Your actions define who you are. You need to be honest with your husband so he may choose the type of life he wishes as well. It is the least he deserves. 4
Cephalopod Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 (edited) Notice you never mentioned your husband once in your story. Only a fleeting reference that you are married. 28 years of happy marriage and he's not even mentioned. Does your husband factor at all in your decision making, or have you detached from him to such an extent that he is nothing but a stranger you share a house with? Edited March 20, 2016 by Cephalopod 1
Author Troubled64 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Posted March 21, 2016 Thank you all for your input, plenty to think about. I have no access to counsellors(remote area in Aus) so online it is. Have found some hypnosis onlne for affair addiction which I am using, are a great fan of hypnosis. I have been cold turkey for several weeks now so feel I am on the way to ending this relationship, one day at a time.
privategal Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Could you divorce and stay business partners? Ive never said confess once on these boards ever and dont believe in disclosure so this is my first. I think Id sit your spouse down and just tell him. I truly dont see another way at all out of this unless you moved or they did. Tell him. The agony is within you and all around you anyways. Your in misery. Its not like your blissfully happy and only worry about getting caught to protect your happiness. The guilts consuming you, uou have lost control. So just tell him. The pain will be equal and at least the disclosure pain will end it and bring relief and get your marriage out of this rut. The pain of dday will be severly traumatix and then you will wish you were the one to be strong and not let his wife or your husband find out. 1
Liam1 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 I have been happily married for almost 28 years until recently, hubby 59 and I 51. This my story - My best friends are both 40 and we often drink way too much wine, we live in a very isolated where your only social life is hanging out with friends. We are in agriculture & mostly work 7 days a week. Around 8 months ago MBFH started wooing me a little after his wife went to bed. We often stay up chatting and drinking after she has gone to bed, talking about business. I have always enjoyed his company. I resisited his advances and said I was married etc. Over next 2 months things developed to the point that we have had intimate relations 4-5 times. We have both vowed we are done but seem helpless when together to do this. We are often intoxicated. We have talked soberly several times inpast few weeks and have admitted to each other we wish we had been more sober when we had hooked up and that this has gone past us just been intoxicated. But we need to go back to our marriages and move on. As 2 couples we often socialize together and we are very platonic but this is not easy. We both feel like 15 year olds and have both commented that we are nervous around each other etc. We have had very little time together but are close as friends also. We are both trying to put some distance between us but I see his wife 1 -2 times a week mostly at their home so avoiding him is difficult. I often look after their kids but have never done anything whilst kids around. I am now a mess, the guilt, the sadness of missing him etc. I lost my Dad a month ago and my best friend and hubby think that the reason I down which is only part of it!!!! I can only talk to AP about this as no-one else I can trust so this is my lifeline!!!! plus internet resources. My hubby a good man, provider etc but after 28 years we take each other for granted and he not at all romantic and married to our business!! We both responsible for taking each other for granted but when working 7 days a week we crash most nights. All I can think about is the AP and the guilt is unreal and consuming. Oh man how do I get past this and find the peace I used to have, he also feeling the same way although we both so fighting this!!! I would have never believed I could do this:( I suspect we can never go back as we the waywards here!!! I think you need to get individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. Also, you need to stop seeing this couple. 1
aliveagain Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Most priests, pastors have some training in counselling. Talk to your spiritual leader, there may be help through your church that is available to you. You can't leave things the way they are, you can't be friends with the other couple. 2
Buckeye2 Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Do a search for: Helen Fisher "Why We Cheat Why We Love" for a 20 minute video. It may explain what’s going on. 1
harrybrown Posted March 21, 2016 Posted March 21, 2016 Tell your H before someone else tells him. (or before your AP brags about his A with you and it gets all over town) How would you like your H to have an A? Would not bother you at all? Then tell him and get a D. 1
jnel921 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 I don't get how you start your post by saying you were happily married for 28 years....then you blame what you did on the alcohol. Not only did you betray your H, but you betrayed your BF by sleeping with her H. Tell your H. He may D you. Prepare yourself for the consequences. 2
sandylee1 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Apart from the obvious.. I think it's made worse by the fact that your life is very boring. Being so remote to the point of no access to counsellors... I imagine there aren't any kind of gyms or other places of recreation either. That life isn't doing you any good. I'm not sure about your financial position ... but could you buy/rent another property in a more urban area with modern amenities, take some time off and have a change of scenery. Any thoughts of retiring to a nicer place in Australia? You need more exposure ... I think that lifestyle would drive me round the bend ... there seems to be so little excitement or fun. No opportunity to meet new people. It all seems so stifling... just seeing your life go by and not really accomplishing or enjoying much. 1
aliveagain Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) One of the hardest things I have ever had to endure in life was knowing that the person I was so deeply in love with was laying beside me but at the same time knew that she really wasn't there, she was gone. I cried silently every night until I got to a place where I was the one that wasn't there anymore and I was now the one that was gone. She can't undo what she did but sometimes when I'm weak I wish I was still beside her. I no longer belong to her and I am no longer there to help her. Troubled64, wake up. Edited March 22, 2016 by aliveagain 2
merrmeade Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) One of the things I always find interesting here on loveshack is...a Wayward comes here and confesses and the first thing they want to do is SAVE their marriage....but of course....they have not told their spouse....about their affair. Your spouse may not WANT to stay in this marriage and once you tell him about this affair...you stand to lose everything....but it is too late now. You want your peace back? You have no idea what you are now in for....PEACE is the last thing you are going to be worried about. You will lose your friends...and you will likely lose your husband. So before we start telling you how to try to save your marriage or save your PEACE.... Confess...and then tell us your husbands reaction. Your life will NEVER be the same and neither will his.....and the only person to blame for this...is you. Welcome to the wayward club......Exactly x 1000. The damage has been done. It's not in the future. All the things you suggest involve how to hide it and will only make it worse. It's not undoing what's already been done. In recent threads the importance of confession and facing "dire consequences" have been discussed as essential to end past mistakes and offer any possible hope for the future. Essential. Also, read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. One of the few things I did right in the early months after I found out about my husband's infidelity with my sister-in-law was to write the email below in a moment of white hot anger. Like you, they continued insisting they were mostly friends and 'only' had "intimate relations 4-5 times." Like you, they tried to 'quit' and failed. Like you, they thought it was only a matter of moving on and 'protecting' us from the truth. We did protect my brother for health reasons. The result was that she never 'got it.' My husband is the winner in the long run in comparison though he never embraced the value of full, voluntary confession and, hence, our reconciliation has been hampered. Read and think about all the advice you're being given... [ "B" refers to my brother.] Wait a minute. You did it again: "We were just friends - mostly," you said this morning. WTF! You can still say this to me - now? You still think this? Let's have a little review: If B and I were not part of it 100%, it was 100% wrong. Period. Anything you had to hide from anyone, any question you could not answer about where, when, how much or how you saw each other or talked to each other - if you evaded, avoided or omitted, it was wrong. 100% wrong. Your need to evade, avoid, omit? Or worse, saying you evaded, etc. because I and others would be "uncomfortable" with it? This was your own signal that it was wrong which you both chose to ignore. Even if you think you can justify having an opposite sex friendship outside of your marriage (legitimized because you called yourselves ' family ' ** ), what about the other part? The leftover after "mostly"? That part - however itty bitty - cancels out the "mostly" and does so 100%. Which is why prudent people have boundaries. Social taboos. Rules. Mores. Norms. No one is above them. Circumstances do not change this. There can be no "mostly." ** In your case - 'friends'. Edited March 22, 2016 by merrmeade 2
bubbaganoosh Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 How about this. Stop drinking OK? I don't care how far out in the country you are, the booze is getting you in trouble and if you think it's lonely out there now, just wait when the $h!t hits the fan when your husband and his wife find out. Sooner or later there's a slip up and especially if your boozed up then it's going to get real lonely when you by yourself with a bottle of your favorite wine as your only friend. Sorry I can't feel sorry for you. You made this happen, you own it. 1
Mr Blunt Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 By troubled64 - My best friends are both 40 and we often drink way too much wine, We are often intoxicated. I am now a mess, the guilt, the sadness of missing him etc. I can only talk to AP about this as no-one else I can trust so this is my lifeline!!!! plus internet . My hubby a good man, provider etc but after 28 years we take each other for granted and he not at all romantic and married to our business!! All I can think about is the AP and the guilt is unreal and consuming. Oh man how do I get past this and find the peace I used to have We both feel like 15 year olds I am reprinting your statement above for those that have not crossed the line like you have. Hopefully they will see the folly of your foolish and immature thinking and actions and stop before crossing the line. You get drunk with another man that is not your husband. You are 51 years old and you think and act like a weak 15 year old. Your feeble attempt to explain your betrayal is that your husband takes you for granted and is not romantic. That is such weak and pathetic talk that it is only good for warning someone else about such a cop out. You now want peace and you are riddled with guilt and sadness. You are not going to get peace anytime soon . I am not saying that you cannot get better it is just that your decisions for a 51 year old tell me that you have a whole lot of changing to do; like 180 degree changes. You need a complete overhaul. Where did you get your views on how to live life? You have been advised to get help with professional help, spiritual help, or any and all other help. Your excuse that you live in a remote area seems like you are trying to avoid doing the hard things you need to do. You can get help if you really wanted to. You need some outside strength because you are a weak woman. You can get a lot better but you will have to struggle while enduring pain for a long time. You have allowed yourself to get into a perverted emotional state where you are so weak that you will look to a man that has a wife and family that is a betrayer to lift you up; WOW, such twisted thinking! You cannot afford to continue to be weak as your emotional healthy and quality of life is now at stake. There is hope for you if you are willing to not cop out and do the hard things for a long time. 2
summerdowling87 Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 I don't get how you start your post by saying you were happily married for 28 years....then you blame what you did on the alcohol. Not only did you betray your H, but you betrayed your BF by sleeping with her H. Tell your H. He may D you. Prepare yourself for the consequences. I also hate to say it. But the kids that you're watching did you think of them? What if they parents marriage breaks up because of the affair what about the innocent children?
merrmeade Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 Thank you all for your input, plenty to think about. I have no access to counsellors(remote area in Aus) so online it is. Have found some hypnosis onlne for affair addiction which I am using, are a great fan of hypnosis. I have been cold turkey for several weeks now so feel I am on the way to ending this relationship, one day at a time. On the way... ending... That's not about the damage done. The betrayal and infidelity DID happen. There's no "on the way." The beginning made the ending completely irrelevant. Don't you see this? Yes, you should end it for your own sake, but for your husband the injury has been done; you cannot undo that. Fixing it is a whole different question and depends completely on what he wants. Keeping him from finding out is also a different matter. First, it is questionable whether you can at best. Betrayed spouses find out all kinds of ways, usually from just feeling something is wrong. Second, it is a terrible soul-destroying path you take when you start the cover-up. You add deceit and lying on top of the infidelity, which makes the whole situation and you worse. It's hard to forgive. The like like the infidelity cannot be undone. There's only owning it. If you try to talk yourself into anything less for any reason, you've lost. Even if your husband finds out another way, it will be impossible for you to regain marital harmony. Your marriage will never again be the same for either of you — even if he "doesn't know" (and most likely he will). Because you know. Your best chance is to tell your husband EVERYTHING now and don't see or talk to the other man for any reason. It only seems like the hardest because it requires the most character and respect for truth and others' rights. The reason it seems destructive is because you've already compromised your character. You just think you have a choice; you really don't. 1
merrmeade Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 P.S. I didn't mean as a finality that your marriage will never be the same - just a fact. Nothing in your life can be the same now, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for you. I believe that nothing is ever final, and no one is irredeemable—unless wrong is hidden. I think that you begin to save yourself (and maybe your marriage) by admitting and living the truth openly. You may or may not be forgiven, but you certainly cannot consider his attitude and feelings toward you valid if he thinks you're his same faithful wife because you simply are not. That makes everything a lie. The only way you can hope to be worthy of your husband's forgiveness is to tell him voluntarily. Saving yourself means - disclosing the full truth about what happened and whatever your husband asks; - informing the other man that what you did was wrong and cruel and you must never see or communicate with him again.Doing the right thing by your husband going forward involves other steps, but that is up to him. You have to accept that, too. It was never your right to cheat, and it's not your choice whether or how to remedy it. Anyway, you said you're "a mess." If you really want to save yourself, that's the only way in my opinion. 1
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