abby_tx Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 This seems like a stupid question given my age (early 30's). I have a date lined up with a guy next week but I'm starting to see that we don't have much in common aside from our sense of humor. I'm having doubts about even going on the date now. I love dogs. He's not a pet person. I'm an adventurous eater and love to eat at local places. He's a pizza and wings guy. I'm pretty obsessed with good food and dogs, so finding this out was a disappointment. if we were in high school, he'd be the jock or the funny kid who cut class and ended up in the military. I'd be the quiet girl in art club. What attracted me to him was his sense of humor. We send texts all day just joking back and forth. It puts the biggest smile on my face and he makes me feel giddy. But is this enough? I've never been with a guy this different than me. Maybe I'm scared because a guy like this wouldn't have liked me in high school.
Empire87 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 What else do you have going on that day? If there's nothing else you feel like doing or have going on, then what the heck, go out with the guy and see what happens. You can't make a decision based on how you match up on paper. If that was true then everyone would just use online dating matches to figure out who they're supposed to marry. Go out with the guy. At the very least, you'll get a free dinner, and a change of the regular routine you typically go through. You don't have to see him again, you don't have to sleep with him, you don't have to do anything other than sit, have a conversation with someone new. And then boom, you're done. 4
Author abby_tx Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 What else do you have going on that day? If there's nothing else you feel like doing or have going on, then what the heck, go out with the guy and see what happens. You can't make a decision based on how you match up on paper. If that was true then everyone would just use online dating matches to figure out who they're supposed to marry. Go out with the guy. At the very least, you'll get a free dinner, and a change of the regular routine you typically go through. You don't have to see him again, you don't have to sleep with him, you don't have to do anything other than sit, have a conversation with someone new. And then boom, you're done. Yeah you're right. He's ridiculously attractive so that doesn't hurt.
normal person Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 In my experience, the stuff you should have in common is a value system, sense of humor, and other personality traits that mesh well together. All "interests" are more or less irrelevant. Saying "well he likes baseball, and I like art, so it'll never work" is myopic. If you enjoy each others' company, then dealing with each others' individual interests won't be such a chore. I can't say I've ever had similar interests to the girls I've dated. But we were able to coexist very well in the middle ground because the person's "bigger" ethos is a lot more indicative of compatibility than what hobby they have. 2
Author abby_tx Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 In my experience, the stuff you should have in common is a value system, sense of humor, and other personality traits that mesh well together. All "interests" are more or less irrelevant. Saying "well he likes baseball, and I like art, so it'll never work" is myopic. If you enjoy each others' company, then dealing with each others' individual interests won't be such a chore. I can't say I've ever had similar interests to the girls I've dated. But we were able to coexist very well in the middle ground because the person's "bigger" ethos is a lot more indicative of compatibility than what hobby they have. This makes a lot of sense. Thank you for this! You've eased my anxiety. I've tended to date guys pretty similar to me. Also, my last 3 boyfriends weren't exactly the most manly men ever. Maybe a guy like this will be good for me despite intimidating me! Now to obsess over what I'll wear on the date. ha
losangelena Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 Maybe I'm scared because a guy like this wouldn't have liked me in high school. Well, it's a good thing you're not in high school anymore! 4
kendahke Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 How open is he to experiencing new things and widening his horizons? I think that would be more important. He might be willing to try new things, but you won't know that if you refuse to meet him in person. The fact that you two can make each other laugh is huge--see if you can build upon that.
Author abby_tx Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 How open is he to experiencing new things and widening his horizons? I think that would be more important. He might be willing to try new things, but you won't know that if you refuse to meet him in person. The fact that you two can make each other laugh is huge--see if you can build upon that. I have a hard time finding someone whose sense of humor meshes with mine, so it is pretty awesome. Humor is so important to me. I guess I will find out if he's open to trying new things.
Versacehottie Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 You just need to go. It's ONE date. You can decide about the SECOND date (but don't think past that since that is a tendency) after the first. It's a fact (though I don't have a link) that it is less important that you share the same hobbies and interests than have similar values and approach to life. if you are texting all day and find his humor in line with yours, I would say you are on the right track. As far as hobbies and interests go, one of the great things about a good relationship is that you can expand the other person's horizons and vice versa. You can get him more into adventurous eating and maybe he can get you more into sports bars or wherever he picks up those chicken wings! But it all doesn't matter at this point. It's ONE date, try not to think so far down the road. One date is hardly an investment nor requires that you determine if there is a future for the two of you. If there is enough traction (i would say texting all day long and enjoying it is enough), then go on the one date. Be careful because you need to slow down from jumping too far into the future and trust yourself some more. If you can trust your instincts you will know when it isn't right or worth pursuing any further. Be more free with it all--otherwise your desire to have a "relationship" and evaluate things from that point of view and strategize that will prevent the VERY thing you want! Goodluck
Author abby_tx Posted March 20, 2016 Author Posted March 20, 2016 You just need to go. It's ONE date. You can decide about the SECOND date (but don't think past that since that is a tendency) after the first. It's a fact (though I don't have a link) that it is less important that you share the same hobbies and interests than have similar values and approach to life. if you are texting all day and find his humor in line with yours, I would say you are on the right track. As far as hobbies and interests go, one of the great things about a good relationship is that you can expand the other person's horizons and vice versa. You can get him more into adventurous eating and maybe he can get you more into sports bars or wherever he picks up those chicken wings! But it all doesn't matter at this point. It's ONE date, try not to think so far down the road. One date is hardly an investment nor requires that you determine if there is a future for the two of you. If there is enough traction (i would say texting all day long and enjoying it is enough), then go on the one date. Be careful because you need to slow down from jumping too far into the future and trust yourself some more. If you can trust your instincts you will know when it isn't right or worth pursuing any further. Be more free with it all--otherwise your desire to have a "relationship" and evaluate things from that point of view and strategize that will prevent the VERY thing you want! Goodluck You brought up another one of my problems with dating. I always look way too far into the future and put my eggs in one basket. He has a kid, so it makes me take it even more seriously. I'm trying (at the suggestion of all my friends) to multidate for the first time just to prevent myself from making these same mistakes!
Mccoy321 Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 He's ridiculously attractive so that doesn't hurt. Aaaand...there's the explanation. 2
Versacehottie Posted March 20, 2016 Posted March 20, 2016 You brought up another one of my problems with dating. I always look way too far into the future and put my eggs in one basket. He has a kid, so it makes me take it even more seriously. I'm trying (at the suggestion of all my friends) to multidate for the first time just to prevent myself from making these same mistakes! Yes, I know! I was trying to say that subtly without being confrontational. I remember from your other threads and how situations play out for you that this is likely too much of a factor in your dating. And here you are doing it (albeit from another angle) again. You enjoy your time with him (texting) so far. Take the other factors out of it. It is one date. You will be a much more attractive dating partner if you stop jumping so far into the future. I'll tell you one reason why. You are effectively making sure he "fits" into what you think you want/need first and then, if so, will be trying to sell yourself to him. In reverse, if you wait to see what you discover about him, you will put him in the position where he will need to prove to you that he is dating material and long-term material after that. You may be pleasantly surprised if you just let things unfold and see the person in front of you rather than what you conjure up based on what he is on paper or via some basic facts about him. You also will rely on your personal judgement skills more since you won't have it all "figured out" or be blindsided. You will also be more inclined to speak up about what you want and need since you won't have it all strategized and are afraid of upsetting the apple cart and the unspoken. AND yes you should ABSOLUTELY multi-date! I am fairly sure I said that to you about a year ago. One of the threads on which if I recall that I got slammed for saying so. I think when you are the type to jump too far into the future, put all your eggs in one basket and date a fantasy rather than see the guy for who he is standing in front of you, multi-dating balances out those tendencies for the better. Also importantly, makes it really clear that you can't want a relationship more than wanting to be with right person and only that right person. You can date and have fun in the meantime. I think a lot of girls think they are concealing that they don't have these strong, overwhelming desires to be in a relationship, get married and start a family, but I can tell you that is not how most guys feel. It's is completely transparent! You want to hook a guy and the best guy for you, put those goals on the backburner and just see first of all if a guy (as the individual he is) can meet your threshold of being the kind of person you would let into your life and give your time to. That's it. Make it simple. Have fun in the meantime. I'm rooting for you but yeah you need to change your approach. Good luck and keep us posted.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 I just got back from the date and it went really well! Sure, we both don't like the same pizza or other shallow things but overall it went really well. Excited for a second. P.S. I have been back 2.5 hours and wish he'd text me that he had a good time! 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 I just got back from the date and it went really well! Sure, we both don't like the same pizza or other shallow things but overall it went really well. Excited for a second. P.S. I have been back 2.5 hours and wish he'd text me that he had a good time! Have you texted him that YOU had a good time? If the date was on him, you need to text a thank you. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 A shy quiet girl secretly desiring a more masculine dominant guy? Not surprising actually. It's usually the shy, more demure women that like a take charge guy. My guess is that it'll actually be a refreshing change of pace for you from the "similar" guys you've been dating. ETA - Just saw your date report. Cool! What'd you end up wearing?
Methodical Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Yep, I agree with Mid. You are interested in a second date so take the bull by the horns and initiate. Tell him you had a good and would like to do it again. 1
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 Have you texted him that YOU had a good time? If the date was on him, you need to text a thank you. No. I've never had to because on almost every online date I've been on (aside from one or two that failed) the guy has texted me back almost immediately that he good time. Just started assuming the role of the lazy one. Leading up to our date, he texted me at very specific times. Morning, noon, 5pm, 10pm. He didn't text last night or this morning. I sent him a quick text. Just an inside joke. If I don't hear back by noon I can assume he wasn't into me.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 A shy quiet girl secretly desiring a more masculine dominant guy? Not surprising actually. It's usually the shy, more demure women that like a take charge guy. My guess is that it'll actually be a refreshing change of pace for you from the "similar" guys you've been dating. ETA - Just saw your date report. Cool! What'd you end up wearing? I think you're right. Walking next to him even felt nice because he was tall and strong with nice posture and more manly. Swoon. My last boyfriend used to mention that he was mistaken for being gay quite a bit. I came straight from work so I wore jeans, a sweater, and boots. Kinda boring.
Author abby_tx Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 Yep, I agree with Mid. You are interested in a second date so take the bull by the horns and initiate. Tell him you had a good and would like to do it again. Being the one to ask for a second date makes me terrified but I have nothing to lose.
GunslingerRoland Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Meet in person, text is a poor way to get to know someone... But really nothing sounds insurmountable about your differences.
Miss Peach Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 As long as there aren't any deal breakers I would give it another date. Sometimes it just take a little bit of time before I stumble on things in common with people. I had met up with a guy from OLD once and it seemed the same. Then we got onto a topic that we were both very passionate about and had very similar views on. My first date with my XH was the same - I would have been perfectly fine to walk away after out coffee as we hadn't hit on much in common initially.
Miss Peach Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Being the one to ask for a second date makes me terrified but I have nothing to lose. I personally wouldn't. Most men know if the date went well they should ask you out again. If a guy doesn't IME it means he wasn't into something. The men I've met who let you do all the work early on are there just because it's easy; not because they want to put in the work to win you. 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Being the one to ask for a second date makes me terrified but I have nothing to lose. I wasn't saying ask for a second date. I was saying text him thank you. It's simple courtesy. Now he's assumed YOU'RE not interested enough for him to ask you out again. Every guy I've not texted back has not bothered me again. For good reason on my part. 'Hey, I'm home safe. Just wanted to say thanks again and let you know what a great time I had'. It's not difficult. But, yea, you could ask him out.
Versacehottie Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 yeah i think it's most common (and expected) that the girl text to say thanks after a date. it certainly wouldn't hurt. And since a lot of guys are expecting that thank you text, if you don't do it, it can cause problems of what he thinks you are thinking. It's a reassuring text that says you had fun, and thank him and lets him know you'd love to see him again (implied or stated). It's also good manners. If a guy is asking, planning and paying on a date, this is OP's responsibility on etiquette alone; dating etiquette too IMO. I think he should ask for the second date but that's up for debate I suppose. Take him to the halfway point by being gracious about his generosity and grateful about him showing you a fun time. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted March 24, 2016 Posted March 24, 2016 This seems like a stupid question given my age (early 30's). I have a date lined up with a guy next week but I'm starting to see that we don't have much in common aside from our sense of humor. I'm having doubts about even going on the date now. I love dogs. He's not a pet person. I'm an adventurous eater and love to eat at local places. He's a pizza and wings guy. I'm pretty obsessed with good food and dogs, so finding this out was a disappointment. if we were in high school, he'd be the jock or the funny kid who cut class and ended up in the military. I'd be the quiet girl in art club. What attracted me to him was his sense of humor. We send texts all day just joking back and forth. It puts the biggest smile on my face and he makes me feel giddy. But is this enough? I've never been with a guy this different than me. Maybe I'm scared because a guy like this wouldn't have liked me in high school. Anyone can find any reason not to do something. Do something different, and actually do something.
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