Larryville Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Yeah I do know what I'm talking about You do? Ok so you are telling me you understand this conversation or dynamic from a “man’s” perspective? I work full time and cared for my child for 10 years so far on my own and guess what I'm on a dating site..... That is from YOUR perspective… But hey Omei if you are able to deal with dating and raising a child and all is cool with you then, YOU are rare! I’m not saying single moms can’t do what you do or are doing… but you are trying to carry the banner for single moms everywhere and you can’t know what guys have experienced without walking and experienced what they have. I dated and eventually married a single mom over 30 years ago two kids one a baby and I can tell you my ex was working her ass off, working two jobs and struggling I get it, but was so “in love” went against mothers advice and not dated her but married her and it was hard as hell! If the same situation were today and I browse her profile there is no way in hell I would attempt that again. Later I dated a single mom who was going thru all kinds of crap with her daughter which put me in the middle of all sorts of other family dynamics I had not considered later in life. Was in debt, still at 45 paying back student loans for a masters program she took in her early 20's, struggling to keep her daughter in activities and sports some of what I helped her pay for! But again If you can date effectively and play the mom role too more power to ya!
Omei Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) I know that some guys have had an experience so from then forth it applies to all single moms just like it seems to have you a little bit Okay yes you married her when you marry someone you will be taking on the responsibilities of the household 50/50 if you live together and you made that choice, children are not easy and became apart of that and soon you discovered that. My last relationship was 5 years long at no point did my ex have to help me with anything regarding my child, we didn't marry or live together. I did live with a boyfriend for a year and a half once he did the bills 50/50 any parenting done was on me tho she called him by his name and they were friends. I'd never try to fix someone else debt that's on you kinda I prob wouldn't be with someone long term knowing I'd have to struggle with them in their debt and I'm the single mother lol there's no way I'd agree to live with someone knowing I'd have to be in debt with them, and paying for her child's activities you kinda took some things on you shouldn't of had too didn't have too but did anyway and are now applying that to the burdens of a single mom. When really it applies to just your ex being bad with money and you willing to help her. You put yourself into that role you decided to go above and beyond if you were doing these things I assume you did take on the father role being called dad or not? So like many men you agreed and then complain when you realize yes kids are hard, and expensive if you wanna date a single mom please do but that doesn't mean you gotta now take care of her kids. Edited March 22, 2016 by Omei
Larryville Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Let’s try this again, how did this start? truth_seeker Single Moms are looking for a Daddy replacement. They will tell you it's not the case but that's the truth. Then you said… No it's really not Only a crazy woman would try to make her children who has grown and lived without a father suddenly try to call a stranger daddy. My main point was a bunch of women via OLD is indeed like TS stated and I in fact dated someone like that and on a number of sites where men speak of this also confirms that fact as well. But you keep going on about YOU… Making this about YOU… Obviously I’m not talking about YOU! My last relationship was 5 years long at no point did my ex have to help me with anything regarding my child… I'd never try to fix someone else debt I'm the single mother lol there's no way I'd agree to live with someone knowing I'd have to be in debt with them, and paying for her child's activities Alrighty then so you are the rare woman via online dating that takes care of her business AWESOME! I get it! You put yourself into that role you decided to go above and beyond if you were doing these things I assume you did take on the father role being called dad or not? FYI I was the dad and raised them and did a pretty damn good job and all is cool I have 9 gorgeous grandkids because of the situation just so you know. BUT even with all of that I still say and would advise any dude to stay away from single moms online because it is not just about being “dad.” What do they say the cost of raising a child today is about $250,000! In addition there are more worthless deadbeat dads circulating today than ever before. Fewer men are going to college, significantly more single moms out there, so some dude is thinking that oh this is cute, hot single mom, sure I can handle this, really!? So like many men you agreed and then complain when you realize yes kids are hard… I said: I dated a single mom who was going thru all kinds of crap with her daughter which put me in the middle of all sorts of other family dynamics I had not considered later in life. I raised 3 kids, so I already understood, but you know what that relationship did not end because I had a problem with the relationship or the single mom status, THE MOM DID. Her daughter communicated with me, she trusted and confided with me. I did everything the mom asked but she stated that: “I was interfering with the dynamic between her and her daughter.“ Not because I was a bad man or not supportive she basically was JEALOUS, the daughter could and would communicate with me and hated her mom WTF! So when the relationship ended, I lost both the GF and the daughter, we were close, I still miss her to this day and that is the other thing a dude would have to deal with dealing with a single mom. This site is about sharing experiences and sharing opinions and any dude who reads this thinking about getting into a relationship with a single mom and discover what OP did better think real hard. If they take the leap cool, good luck and if all works out they can come back here 20 years from now and tell me how wrong I was.
Omei Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 (edited) Sorry for sharing my experience that involves myself just like you are for you? And then you go onto state that yourself haha lol You took on some things you didn't have too so that's on you, with the woman you dated, not married. And you are still generalizing single moms but now online ones. Dunno what else to say but again each parent is a different as each person is And I'm not a magical special unicorn most parents do what I do and the jobless daddy seekers are the rarity. I changed this post you're right they are your experiences so you should share he should know what could happen. But because of these tales I'm saying most men won't even give us the time of day and were not the rarity. So your problem wasn't the fact that she was a single mom at all this woman had insecurity issues brought out by the normal relationship you had with her child, you can't fault the rest of us for her craziness having to deal with that type of jealousy isn't normal. Anyway nice talking to you I have to go! Edited March 22, 2016 by Omei
Larryville Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 And you are still generalizing single moms online as all one in the same so. But you're so convinced from your experiences so w/e just keep them as your own and try not to pollute other men's minds that we're all somewhat the same. O this is a site that gets what from a conservative estimate a few million visitors a year, there are thousands of threads going back years on all sorts of topics and I’m certain there are hundreds of single mom’s topic threads here. You are telling me “not to pollute other men’s minds?” really!? Ok so apply your advice to any number of relationship dating threads here right now. Those who have experienced whatever should just shut up and not express an opinion, based on their experiences, then tell the people who run this site to take it down so it does not “poison” minds. If a woman expresses an opinion about abusive men should she keep quiet? Because of course ALL men are not abusive... If someone speaks up about relationship disagreements from a man or woman perspective should they keep quite? Because maybe only women are right and men are all wrong... Interracial dating yes or no? "I would never date an Asian guy because they…" whatever should that be kept silent so not to poison minds? Financial disagreements – Someone dating someone unemployed? Broke? Age disparity – Guys dating someone half their age, is that off the table? Bringing this back to OP’s first post… We went on one date but the thing is she basically confirmed every personal reason I had in the past about not wanting to date single moms. She talked about how she barely has time for herself, and whenever she does have some time off, she spends it with her daughter. (So this date was probably really an exception) Also everything she says is so serious. About what she's looking for, that she misses a man in her life, planning a future with someone, etc* It all pretty much sounded like "instant family" to me, skipping the whole fun dating phase, so it was a huge turn off.Several times I tried to make it more about her, her hobbies, or some lighter topics, but she kept bringing up her kid and what she wants in life. During all this I was thinking about how it would probably never be possible to do anything fun with her, besides dinner. So I highly doubt it will go anywhere. This isn't how most single moms who are dating act right? Yes, OP this is pretty much how single moms are, in my opinion, based on my experiences. If someone wants to now post the counter arguments and countless examples to prove me wrong about single women and online dating, cool I will look forward to reading.
William Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Did I stutter? *All* viewpoints are welcomed as long as they are topical and focused on assisting the topic starter in resolving or furthering their interpersonal relationship or other topic brought to the forum for discussion. Last opportunity to bring it back to the starter of the thread......
Larryville Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Just curious William did I not do this twice? just clarifying... Bringing this back to OP’s first post… Quote: We went on one date but the thing is she basically confirmed every personal reason I had in the past about not wanting to date single moms. She talked about how she barely has time for herself, and whenever she does have some time off, she spends it with her daughter. (So this date was probably really an exception) Also everything she says is so serious. About what she's looking for, that she misses a man in her life, planning a future with someone, etc* It all pretty much sounded like "instant family" to me, skipping the whole fun dating phase, so it was a huge turn off.Several times I tried to make it more about her, her hobbies, or some lighter topics, but she kept bringing up her kid and what she wants in life. During all this I was thinking about how it would probably never be possible to do anything fun with her, besides dinner. So I highly doubt it will go anywhere. This isn't how most single moms who are dating act right? Yes, OP this is pretty much how single moms are, in my opinion, based on my experiences.
carhill Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 Thanks for the replies. Her daughter just turned four, and it appears that the dad is totally out of the picture. I think she's really looking for someone to settle down with soon, while I just want to hang out, go on fun dates, and just let it happen if there's a connection. But I guess were not compatible. Like I was talking about a concert I went to, and she said she basically never has time to do anything, and can't stay up late because she has to get up early every morning... Any more contact or did one of you do the fade? FWIW, my first LTR was with a lady in her 30's with two kids, 7 and 10, boy and girl, in a similar situation with no father in sight and I never got the 'instant family' vibe with her. Yeah, I was around her kids some because, well, she was a full time working mom but she balanced things pretty well IMO, for awhile anyway, in retrospect probably during the 'I'm on my best behavior' period. My part in that was being too easygoing and a bit of a dope about letting things which annoyed me go, enabling behaviors which otherwise might have ended things or at least clarified them. IMO, I'd look at this as any other dating experience. You met one person with one unique circumstance who approached things her way. The next single mother, or single non-mother, will be the same, unique. If casual dating and socializing is your preference, childless women probably will work out better. It's just easier, generally.
Miss Peach Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 It's funny because BF and I have had this talked a few times. He had tried to date a few single moms and they went like the OP described. I am a single mom. I'm an awesome parent but I don't make everything about my kids. I will mention them sometimes but it's not an all consuming thing. I do make time for myself. I do keep a social life and a good career. BF said I changed his mind about single moms and that I have my life together better than most single, childless women he's met. I have run into similar issues trying to date a single dad. I've also tried to have some single moms as friends but found many of them flaky. That's why if you go there it's important to ask some basic questions like custody schedule, what role the other parent has in the kid's life, what the co-parenting situation looks like, etc. I didn't bring BF around until around 6 months in. He's been the one pushing for more family time; not me. It's not I don't want him around. I just didn't want to push myself on him before he was ready and we were solid and could see it going somewhere.
og19 Posted March 22, 2016 Posted March 22, 2016 yeah I'm literally repulsed by the idea of dating a woman with kids. That just brings a bad taste in my mouth. I don't even really think I want kids myself.
carhill Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 ^^^... that brings up a good point, OP, one I didn't see addressed in your first post.....how do you feel about children, in general? Not having any of your own next week, but rather being around them and interacting with them out in the world? If you enjoy them, IMO keep single mothers open as an option. If you generally find kids annoying, cross them off. You're always welcome to change your mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all. 1
Author Erik30 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 Any more contact or did one of you do the fade? FWIW, my first LTR was with a lady in her 30's with two kids, 7 and 10, boy and girl, in a similar situation with no father in sight and I never got the 'instant family' vibe with her. Yeah, I was around her kids some because, well, she was a full time working mom but she balanced things pretty well IMO, for awhile anyway, in retrospect probably during the 'I'm on my best behavior' period. My part in that was being too easygoing and a bit of a dope about letting things which annoyed me go, enabling behaviors which otherwise might have ended things or at least clarified them. IMO, I'd look at this as any other dating experience. You met one person with one unique circumstance who approached things her way. The next single mother, or single non-mother, will be the same, unique. If casual dating and socializing is your preference, childless women probably will work out better. It's just easier, generally. I think it's probably done. I texted her a couple of days ago about something and she didn't reply. Didn't bother to send anything else after that. I guess she could sense that I wasn't really into it. Anyway, I doubt I'll be dating another single mom any time soon. Well I mean I'll skip them online at least. If I happen to meet a single mom irl, who knows... but I prefer someone without kids. It's just the little things, like sometimes you're having an amazing date and the both of you forget about time so the date ends up lasting way longer than expected... things like that can't happen with someone who has kids because they have to think about the babysitter
Author Erik30 Posted March 23, 2016 Author Posted March 23, 2016 ^^^... that brings up a good point, OP, one I didn't see addressed in your first post.....how do you feel about children, in general? Not having any of your own next week, but rather being around them and interacting with them out in the world? If you enjoy them, IMO keep single mothers open as an option. If you generally find kids annoying, cross them off. You're always welcome to change your mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all. I feel indifferent towards kids, don't even know yet if I want any myself. I never deal with kids in my daily life (maybe even by choice, never thought about it) and have zero experience with them, so suddenly being around children all the time would be a huge change for me.
Miss Peach Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 It's just the little things, like sometimes you're having an amazing date and the both of you forget about time so the date ends up lasting way longer than expected... things like that can't happen with someone who has kids because they have to think about the babysitter Not necessarily. Not all single moms have deadbeat exes and have to rely on babysitters to go out. I have 50/50 custody (which is very common in my area) so I get 3-4 days to myself each week. This is plenty of time IMO to start a relationship or have a little fun without thinking about the clock. This is why I stress it's necessary to ask about custody to see if there is any free time. It's also wise to ask about the situation with the dad as some are civil and others are hostile.
Imported Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Are you still dating her OP? If you are, don't ever let her try to mix her kid into meeting you till months later or till you know you want to stick around and know the whole deal of what you're getting yourself into. Which is a life of cuckhood being the dad of some other guys child. Kids get attached like, immediately. You'd think their mom would act in the kids best interest, but no. They use their kids and it just becomes a horrible feeling if you decide she is not for you.
Timshel Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Not necessarily. Not all single moms have deadbeat exes and have to rely on babysitters to go out. I have 50/50 custody (which is very common in my area) so I get 3-4 days to myself each week. This is plenty of time IMO to start a relationship or have a little fun without thinking about the clock. This is why I stress it's necessary to ask about custody to see if there is any free time. It's also wise to ask about the situation with the dad as some are civil and others are hostile. Good point, this is my situation as well. My ex and I share 50/50 custody as well, so we both have plenty of days and nights child free to enjoy a relationship without worry for our children. We also have a friendly/cooperative relationship, so there is zero drama. These things will effect availability and ease in a relationship/dating a single mom. You may well find it easier to steer clear of a dating single moms and that is certainly your prerogative. I think single mothers do add a different dimension to dating, especially if they are doing the majority or all of the child rearing without reliable assistance. That said, many women will have some inconvenience or another whether work, social life, health or lifestyle choices. It all needs to be compatible and sorted for any relationship to work regardless of children. 1
Timshel Posted March 23, 2016 Posted March 23, 2016 Are you still dating her OP? If you are, don't ever let her try to mix her kid into meeting you till months later or till you know you want to stick around and know the whole deal of what you're getting yourself into. Which is a life of cuckhood being the dad of some other guys child. Kids get attached like, immediately. You'd think their mom would act in the kids best interest, but no. They use their kids and it just becomes a horrible feeling if you decide she is not for you. Wouldn't some or a few be a more accurate assessment? Surely you have not interacted with enough single mom's to make such a sweeping statement. 1
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